my ex-husband would make my life hell if I didn't fuck him, scream at me for hours or days which often led to him hitting me. later, when talking about it with people, it became very clear that a lot of them were thinking, "but you're bigger than him, why did you let him do that?"
he told me point blank that if I called the cops, he'd lie and say I was the abuser. we both knew who they would believe. I was more scared of losing my cool and fighting back than I was scared of being hit. I preferred being hit to the screaming.
it didn't start out like that, of course, he started out by guilting me about the fact that I didn't want to fuck him. I didn't fuck him because he was abusive about other things. it's always stuck with me that sex was essentially the last thing he got abusive about before I left, I think it took him that long and had to start slow because he was protecting his image of himself as a victim.
he had to build that protection up before he could try to actually force me to fuck him. he did not, of course, ever threaten me before I said no. that would've made things too clear to ignore, it was always a day or a week later. it always started as "I feel undesirable because you don't want to fuck me".
you understand that this is rape, right? I waited until now to mention that we were both "cis" at the time because "husband beating his wife" is understood differently than if the genders were the other way around, especially for transfems.
you understand that the difference between being understood as "abused wife" and not "man who probably deserved it" is razor-thin, right?
