EyesOf

That's it. A patriarchal woman who loves the idea of the decadence, luxury and softness that being a patriarchy princess will "give her" is just a fascist. She is just as dominating and authoritative as her man counterpart, she is just doing it to not be the conqueror at the end of the world, but the conqueror at the end of the world's kept woman.

So, here's to another goal to add to my life!

6/21/2022 - 6:35pm

The relationship between Hate and Humiliation

Last night, Hunter came back to Clubhouse and made a room on their Undesirables on the "Burden of being Special". Hearing the queer and trans leftist headliners of CH talk about the weight that comes with being mere entertainment and a talking head for their followers, but deitized and therefore stripped of humanity and the ability of human error, changing their minds or being vunerable. The only good thing to come from being known is simply being known. They do not get paid for their labor, people are incredibly overfamiliar and there are many who intend to harrass or do harm. It makes me think about how I am so far from special, and that I spent my social existence completely insignificant. I remember even writing to myself once that I didn't even have the luxury of being the wallflower - I was the wallpaper color behind the wallflowers that you don't even notice and can't even tell if it is a pale yellow or an off white. I know that being forgotten scares me so much, but I haven't been thought about since my childhood. I just don't want that to be me forever. I do want to be known, and I know some of the creative things I want to do is apart of that too. Yes, my dreams are for me, because they set my soul on fire. Part of them is also cementing myself in time so that when we of this timeline are all gone, I have things that last longer than be and can be visited and shared. I can outlive my body through art and memory. I can be remembered. But I would be lying if I didn't admit part of it is also wanting to be seen, heard, talked to, validated and made known now while I am alive and breathing.

Tamaraneans are still Troqs.

Last night, but technically this morning since it was after midnight, I had a panic attack again. I haven't had a thanatophobic panic attack in so many years. I have felt like I was coming close, but never did the dormant volcano erupt until now. It was just as terrifying as it been when I was younger. I scrambled to call my mom, similar to how I would run to her room when I was a kid. This time, she validated me and calmed me down - even made me laugh - when those years ago she would disregard me because she was asleep. I wonder if the build up of stress is doing this to me. I wonder if it is just three years of a pandemic. Is it because I am now mid-to-late twenties and I am thinking about if I am succeeding or not? Is it because I am so aware of my peers reaching the checkpoints of being fiancés, husbands and wives, fathers and mothers? Do everything make me feel like I am on a conveyer belt being pulled, sliding so smoothly to an expiration date?

My Icarian Feminism Collage to pair with my little essay soon!

Okay... so last week I was naming the word 'empty' as to how I am feeling. I thought it was mainly due to the draining days from being overworked and burning out past burning out. Yesterday I felt fear, fear that I will be nothing, that this emptiness will just be my life. I woke up at 5:25 and snoozed, then snoozed again for 5:30. I woke up at 5:45 and fed Pepper and Puff and filled my water bottle. I brushed my teeth in time for and did Ponder at 6. The first question it gave me was to rate my life on a scale of 1-10 and explain why. I said this: "I would say mid-6. I have been feeling empty and fearful lately that I will just slip through time and never achieve anything I want. Between the pandemic, my birthday passing making me 26 and yesterday being Valentine's Day, I am just seeing markers of time and people hitting check points in life as a reminder of my expiration date." This, is how I am feeling. People getting hitched and having babies en mass are my age group and the slightly younger zillenials. I am not concerned about not having a romantic love, even though cishet and amato and allo norms do make me feel deviant sometimes. I am scared that this is a check point closer to the finish line and even if I don't get a ring and have a baby I am still passing that checkpoint with everyone else as far as age goes. Here is the twenties - now thirties. Here is the forties - now fifties. I can't even continue or name the check points that come with those decades because my stomach knots and my heart races. I feel like I am being dragged across a conveyer belt towards my end through a lackluster and empty life of working to survive and an absence of me. I can't let this be true and become reality. So, I will now wash my face and make my bed. Do the cats' litter and sweep. Get to this Domestika course for content strategy and my DBTCs. I will keep on this long road of persistence and creativity. I will flourish, I will.

Humans in caste is as deludedly Icarian as trying to manufacture a cat's purr and expecting to beat God at godliness. A man amongst man is a man equivalent.