Life consumes

A picture of you and our friends pops up

I cant seem to shake off these midnight blues

I still think of you

In this midnight blues

Confident you and time left untouched

Hoped you were different with all the world’s luck

But oh, how the world is so cruel

You’d never be the jewel

That lights up the sky you made to be dark

You’ll never get picked to fly up from the start

A jewel I wish to be...

Why not me?

Wanted to make it in the flashy cities

Made myself up all to fit all the pretties

But inside I knew, I was not enough so kill me

Abandoned and shamed

No one here to blame

Only myself for my time never came.

Watching my friends live in glory

When will I get to tell my story?

Why not me?

I live each day hoping for better

A chance to be the next shows header

But now I’m too old to be ever considered...

Why not me?

Okay so my father has made me feel like a total reject after moving back home to his ass. (I wouldnt be in this mess if he didnt force us to move back home) so I get that meme about trading in financial stability for ones mental health. Anyways, he’s made me feel like a cash cow before and now he is making me play the honorary housemaid. I honestly feel like the reason he had kids was for his own benefit. And now if we dont do everything he asked, he throws a fit and uses us as his verbal punching bag.

Anyways, I am the only one who cleans the house, my sister cooks dinner practically every night and my brother takes out the trash, checks the mail and complains about everything...even when I clean the house my dad says theres still more to do and asks me to do better. I literally do everything for him (i.e. mails his shit, do his errands, do his laundry and I pretty much picked up all the chores around the house, etc.) and he still has the audacity to complain. I swear he uses the fact thag I have no fucking job and no money against me so that I feel guilt enough to pick up around the house but the thing is, I AM!

I get that he has a job and all And I am grateful for that but he is so manipulative and uses it to guilt my siblings and I into doing anything and everything for him. He literally at the moment forcing me to buy stocks even though I dont know the first thing about it. And when I dont read him whatever he wants on his phone he bitches and calls me lazy and a good-for-nothing child.

A nightmare from one too many hours of Genshin Impact 🎃

Okay some context.

Im on a quest where I have to defeat this robot looking thing with the swinging arms. As I am fighting it I realized its a lvl 20 and I am only level 20 with a lvl 17 archer. I am struggling to defeat this dude and I panic and log off the game 😅. And I haven’t touched it since. I know this may not sound that difficult but I struggle with games like this where theres pressure to lvl up and defeat everything to get there. I get too caught up in this pressure and give up instead. But I decided to try this game since my friends were all playing it. Given that, I had a nightmare involving the same premise.

For the first instance, my dad and I argued over money and I wasn’t having it when he said he was sending our money to *** once again. He yelled at me and then told me to live my life and he will live his. In his words, this probably mean’t that he wants to cut ties with me. I wouldn’t blame him. He literally poured all of his life into raising me and I am bringing nothing in return. Sometimes I feel like a cash cow for him. Anyways, I cried for 5 hours that night and ate only a couple of grapes and a sugary drink the next day. I knew at this moment, he was no longer the father I once respected and trusted. I did everything for him to the best of my abilities and he has the audacity to tell me off. When we both know, what is going to happen once he sends that money again. But I guess I am the only one that can act on their mistakes or own up to their mistakes. He has this dream of owning a home but he does stupid ventures like this and expects my brother and I to feed into his dream too.

Onto the recent encounter, my dad and I had a heart to heart about life and what he wants my sister to be. He wants her to be an eye doctor. Before it was a pharmacist, and before that it was a doctor. You can see why I lay crying in stress? Anyways, I told my dad that she doesn’t want to be any of that and he dares to call me a failure in my life. I graduate with a degree in broadcasting and he dares to blame it on me; not on the pandemic, not on him, not on this falling systematic government, but ME. I’ve done everything I can to get close to him being even an ounce proud of me but not once, has he given me the benefit of the doubt. He doesn’t trust me. He just doesn’t.

I don’t know if I should call it being homesick, anxiety, or an unwell feeling but it was something to be feared.

I laid in bed and all of a sudden I am hit with a sudden feeling of anxiety? I used to get this same feeling when I sleepover at a friend’s house or when I moved to SF for the first time but tonight, I am in my own home.

I hate that my dad has this constant hold of my life. I had to move back home because he wanted me to. and now that I have he now wants me to find a job...

My plan was to rest for a year and see where music and my Youtube channel takes me. and if that doesn’t work then I will move to LA and find a job pertaining to my major. But with this pressure from him, I don’t know if this plan will see through. It would be so much easier for me to find a job or internship if I didn’t move back home too. We literally live in the middle of no where. If I had stayed in SF maybe this would’ve been much easier but no, he made me move out making me lose so many opportunities...

This may just sound like rambling and excuses but I feel like my life isn’t mine and my life isn’t fun anymore...I used to find it so exciting but now its plagued by stressed and pressure from the unknown and my dad..I know you want money, but I am too lost to worry about that at the moment. 

“What do you want to do for the rest of my life?” you may ask. Well the honest answer is that I don’t know. It would be nice if I could be the next Billie Eilish but I lack the talent and support to get there. I just feel like giving up and shutting down but I am more scared that I’ll lose everything I already have. I know I can’t always rely on my dad for financial support but I don’t know where I want to go...Anyone have any words of advice? Cause at the moment, I can’t see myself doing anything or amounting to anything in life...

00:00 (Zero O’Clock) BTS

Here comes the night

That takes away my smile.

I want to disappear for a bit or maybe a while.

In this world where Im struggling to find where I belong.

Here? There? Im lost

No matter how hard I try to chase this dream, this dark cloud above me continues to grow on.

The world is so mean. Superficial in all.

I can’t seem to succeed without a filter on my faults.

The standard of beauty hurts the ones excluded

Im hating myself when I know I shouldnt...

My passion, my drive outweighs my looks

But because of a greedy man at the top, I’m being overlooked.

My time is running out, I dont know If i can keep going

This passion in me wants to stop flowing.

Drink Drink Drinking 

is all you care about.

A world gone bad 

is all you talk about.

Still, I find the warmth...Or am I kidding myself?

I’m losing hope 

to find the good in others. 

One too many dramas in

I may be over reacting.

But still, I feel this.

Long time friend you still haven’t changed.

A recent friend, you’re becoming distant.

I’m kidding myself, if I think I am going to find comfort in these kinds of men.

Gotta run, gotta change, to find my missing piece.

Cause Nobody in this world is for me. 

Sex, sex, sex

Is all you talk about.

My first kiss

I have yet to do.

Who do I give the honor to?

So I just finished the first week of my last semester in collage and it was hectic. Being the first days of classes, we were forced to introduce ourselves with the generic questions of “what is your name, major, and etc.” but the one question that mind tripped me up every time was “What is your goal/purpose?” 

Honestly, I didn’t know myself. But, I gave it some thought for 3 seconds before I had to announce to the class and I’ve decided ‘Self Produced Artist’. It sounds kind of imposter-ish of me  to say that considering I really have done nothing to claim this goal but if I am being COMPLETELY honest with MYSELF, it’s always been my dream to make music and escape my somewhat miserable mind through my songs. It is the only thing that’s made me feel alive and happy. So, hopefully after I graduate, I can dedicate more time to my newfound mission. 

This whole self loathing and my hatred for myself keeps growing and I feel like there is nothing in the world that can help this feeling pass. I am constantly reminded of my growing selfishness and greed that lingers with an echo of “thats why I will never have anything good in my life”. My family hates me, my dreams don’t seem to be moving or improving, and I am getting tired of being this person who hates herself. But most of all, I hate that I don’t know how to get better…

Watching the Stephanie Soo, Nikoavocado confrontation videos, brought another demon knocking to my door. I kept wondering, “What if I was the bully that led to this life of having no friends? And having no one to call home.” The more I thought about it, the more I kept thinking, “I am the manipulator, I am this immature person, I am this, and I am that. I am a Nikoavocado” and that scares me. And makes me feel like an even smaller person who deserved to be in this mess of fighting her demons.

I honestly dont want to live life anymore…singing is getting me no where, my career seems to be a dead end. When will things look up? Im tired of momentary happiness…right now all of my shortcomings outweighs those moments of joy…

Hey.

It’s me.

I know I really shouldn’t be writing you this because we never really were anything to begin with but, you came to me in my dream again.

The regret, disappointment, and anger that I have towards you still hasn’t faded. and I don’t know why. 

I deleted your number, I erased our messages, deleted our photos, and unfollowed your life. It’s been over a year now. What more can I do to ensure you won’t come back into my late night thoughts? 

I felt so comfortable around you. No one has ever made me feel the way that you have. And, I really thought you would be the first real relationship in my life.

Maybe our timing was off...Or maybe we were never mean’t to be...but we won’t ever know that because we never gave us a shot. You never gave us a shot. 

Despite my friends’ constant stories of your broken past, “He is going to hurt you...Be careful”, I was going to give you a shot.

I regret giving you my last hope that life was good. I regret getting involved. If I had known you would have ghosted me, I never would’ve given you a place in my world. But, you have moved on to give a damn about the aftermath. And you have the audacity to like my post...I really don’t know what to think. Stop making me go around in circles and tell me upfront...I want to get over you.

I used to be in a forest surrounded by nature and serenity. The scenery, the clear blue skies, everything. I had it all. The sounds of the winds rustling in the trees kept me happy. The running in open lands kept me on my toes. One day, I ran too far out and found a tree in flames. Slowly, acre by acre the forest began burning down. 

I wondered, “What is happening?” I tried to save them. I tried to revive them. But nothing seemed to work. So, I moved on...

This orchestrated a cycle of burning, saving, burning and saving that left me alone in a bubble. I realized, I was the one burning down the trees, the scenery, the clear blue skies; I once had.  No matter how much I wanted to save it, the worst of me took the best of it and it became a distant memory. a distant regret...

Eventually, I weeded my way out of this forest and isolated myself in a Bubble far far away; where no one could touch me and I couldn’t touch them. 

I have been battling thoughts on my image of myself lately and its becoming a hole that is manifesting into this monster destroying my confidence. 

Stress of boy problems, dress shopping, and my never ending angry moments contribute to my constantly decreasing self-image I have for myself. My aunt tells me I am getting fatter; my cousin tells me I look old; and I am constantly punishing myself for getting angry. Like after I get angry, I reflect on myself and ask myself, “Maybe this is why no one will ever love me? I am this aggressive, short, ugly girl who can’t seem to achieve anything” I honestly feel like the world is against me more these days and I have been hating myself but I know it’s not healthy. 

I should be enjoying myself by eating all the foods and going out but I am stressed about this wedding I have to attend and I am stressed about just EVERYTHING. 

Hello tonight, I am feeling a bit down but I have reflected a bit. 

Here is the gist of how I started to feel. I don’t know if I like this guy but I would be lying if I haven’t thought about us being a cute couple, but pretty much I have came to a realization that he only sees me as a friend of a friend/ co-worker (because we work at the same place).

I have another co-worker who is a good friend now and she was actually the one that gave me the idea that we would be a cute couple butttttt on the basis that we both like Kpop. But, I have seen the way this guy acts around her. He messes with her, tricks her, and annoys her and from my little to none experience in the love department, he may have a crush on her. 

My realization: He needed someone to cover his shift and I said I would be able to and he told me that if my good friend wasn’t able to then I could cover for him and I don’t know why that lowest of keys hurt. To be someone’s second isn’t the first for me but man does it hurt. In addition, I needed him to cover my shift and he said that he probably could to keep it even for me taking his shift before…

That part doesn’t bother me as much because I should be happy that at least this quiet boy found someone to bring out the silly side of him. But its the fact that I wasn’t the one he could be like that too even as a friend. It may sound like I do have feelings for him but I guess its more of me questioning my appeal to the opposite gender. Is it because I am not tall? Not skinny? or maybe because I am quiet? Maybe I don’t fit into the definition of beautiful. I have no idea. but I am reflecting on myself and trying find my confidence I lost last year.