Midnight Blues
A picture of you and our friends pops up
I cant seem to shake off these midnight blues
I still think of you
In this midnight blues
Im sad reminded of you
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Kiana Khansmith
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@excuseme16
Midnight Blues
A picture of you and our friends pops up
I cant seem to shake off these midnight blues
I still think of you
In this midnight blues
Im sad reminded of you

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Why not me?
Confident you and time left untouched
Hoped you were different with all the worldâs luck
But oh, how the world is so cruel
Youâd never be the jewel
That lights up the sky you made to be dark
Youâll never get picked to fly up from the start
A jewel I wish to be...
Why not me?
Wanted to make it in the flashy cities
Made myself up all to fit all the pretties
But inside I knew, I was not enough so kill me
Abandoned and shamed
No one here to blame
Only myself for my time never came.
Watching my friends live in glory
When will I get to tell my story?
Why not me?
I live each day hoping for better
A chance to be the next shows header
But now Iâm too old to be ever considered...
Why not me?
A sinking ship is all Iâll ever have...
Im not your housemaid...
Okay so my father has made me feel like a total reject after moving back home to his ass. (I wouldnt be in this mess if he didnt force us to move back home) so I get that meme about trading in financial stability for ones mental health. Anyways, heâs made me feel like a cash cow before and now he is making me play the honorary housemaid. I honestly feel like the reason he had kids was for his own benefit. And now if we dont do everything he asked, he throws a fit and uses us as his verbal punching bag.
Anyways, I am the only one who cleans the house, my sister cooks dinner practically every night and my brother takes out the trash, checks the mail and complains about everything...even when I clean the house my dad says theres still more to do and asks me to do better. I literally do everything for him (i.e. mails his shit, do his errands, do his laundry and I pretty much picked up all the chores around the house, etc.) and he still has the audacity to complain. I swear he uses the fact thag I have no fucking job and no money against me so that I feel guilt enough to pick up around the house but the thing is, I AM!
I get that he has a job and all And I am grateful for that but he is so manipulative and uses it to guilt my siblings and I into doing anything and everything for him. He literally at the moment forcing me to buy stocks even though I dont know the first thing about it. And when I dont read him whatever he wants on his phone he bitches and calls me lazy and a good-for-nothing child.
Any tips on how to get out of this situation? Like the only thing I can think of is move out or family therapy but hes too stubborn for that and I got no job or money...
A nightmare from one too many hours of Genshin Impact đ
Okay some context.
Im on a quest where I have to defeat this robot looking thing with the swinging arms. As I am fighting it I realized its a lvl 20 and I am only level 20 with a lvl 17 archer. I am struggling to defeat this dude and I panic and log off the game đ . And I havenât touched it since. I know this may not sound that difficult but I struggle with games like this where theres pressure to lvl up and defeat everything to get there. I get too caught up in this pressure and give up instead. But I decided to try this game since my friends were all playing it. Given that, I had a nightmare involving the same premise.
I was in a very hill filled open land with a bow and arrow. So in simple terms I was Fischl. I was being fighting the robot and I knew I wasnât going to make it so I decided to run away but it kept following me and chased me around the map! No matter how much distant I out between up I was not leaving itâs vision. I even tried hiding but then I woke up frozen in a cold sweat. That being said, I am not cut out to be a gamer đ I hope you guys are enjoying the game though!!
How does one explain this? Maybe I am just riding the anger train from yelling at my very frustrating sister but I was scrolling through my Facebook and I just realised this guy I went on a couple dates with unfriended me. Yeah, it may sound a bit over the top as to why it angered me but its not completely about the face that he unfriended me but because of the unfulfilled promises he made when we talked. He would keep telling me, âIâll always be there for you no matter whatâ and that really pisses me off because the moment I decided to just be friends, he fell off the face of earth and avoided me...I just dont understand why someone would make open statements like that and not follow through with it. But then again it could be because I hold the world to a high standard đ¤ Anyways, yeah that was my quick rant

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Iâve had a few couple rocky encounters with my dad and each time it happens, I doubt myself more and more. Fall deeper and deeper into the hole.
For the first instance, my dad and I argued over money and I wasnât having it when he said he was sending our money to *** once again. He yelled at me and then told me to live my life and he will live his. In his words, this probably meanât that he wants to cut ties with me. I wouldnât blame him. He literally poured all of his life into raising me and I am bringing nothing in return. Sometimes I feel like a cash cow for him. Anyways, I cried for 5 hours that night and ate only a couple of grapes and a sugary drink the next day. I knew at this moment, he was no longer the father I once respected and trusted. I did everything for him to the best of my abilities and he has the audacity to tell me off. When we both know, what is going to happen once he sends that money again. But I guess I am the only one that can act on their mistakes or own up to their mistakes. He has this dream of owning a home but he does stupid ventures like this and expects my brother and I to feed into his dream too.
Onto the recent encounter, my dad and I had a heart to heart about life and what he wants my sister to be. He wants her to be an eye doctor. Before it was a pharmacist, and before that it was a doctor. You can see why I lay crying in stress? Anyways, I told my dad that she doesnât want to be any of that and he dares to call me a failure in my life. I graduate with a degree in broadcasting and he dares to blame it on me; not on the pandemic, not on him, not on this falling systematic government, but ME. Iâve done everything I can to get close to him being even an ounce proud of me but not once, has he given me the benefit of the doubt. He doesnât trust me. He just doesnât.
Because of these two encounters, Iâve decided that I donât want him in my life anymore and once Iâve figured out my situation, Iâll hopefully be moving away. I donât deserve this disrespect, and constant lack of trust. My own father has made me feel tinier than tiny and I just canât take this. Maybe this is the reason why I canât accomplish anything. Heâs made me so scared to be vulnerable and Iâm more vulnerable because of it. And I donât know how to fight for what I want because of it.
I laid in bed feeling so weird...
I donât know if I should call it being homesick, anxiety, or an unwell feeling but it was something to be feared.
I laid in bed and all of a sudden I am hit with a sudden feeling of anxiety? I used to get this same feeling when I sleepover at a friendâs house or when I moved to SF for the first time but tonight, I am in my own home.
A bit weird...maybe it was because I was imagining our trip to our cousinâs house? Or maybe itâs because my room looked so dark it became unfamiliar? Either way I was scared. Scared of not having a home...yeah that makes sense
Frustrated and pressured by my own dad...
I hate that my dad has this constant hold of my life. I had to move back home because he wanted me to. and now that I have he now wants me to find a job...
My plan was to rest for a year and see where music and my Youtube channel takes me. and if that doesnât work then I will move to LA and find a job pertaining to my major. But with this pressure from him, I donât know if this plan will see through. It would be so much easier for me to find a job or internship if I didnât move back home too. We literally live in the middle of no where. If I had stayed in SF maybe this wouldâve been much easier but no, he made me move out making me lose so many opportunities...
This may just sound like rambling and excuses but I feel like my life isnât mine and my life isnât fun anymore...I used to find it so exciting but now its plagued by stressed and pressure from the unknown and my dad..I know you want money, but I am too lost to worry about that at the moment.Â
âWhat do you want to do for the rest of my life?â you may ask. Well the honest answer is that I donât know. It would be nice if I could be the next Billie Eilish but I lack the talent and support to get there. I just feel like giving up and shutting down but I am more scared that Iâll lose everything I already have. I know I canât always rely on my dad for financial support but I donât know where I want to go...Anyone have any words of advice? Cause at the moment, I canât see myself doing anything or amounting to anything in life...
sorry for the negative mood.
You know those days Those days where you're sad for no reason Those days where your bodyâ isâ heavy And it looksâ like everyone else except you isâ busy and fierce My feet won't set off, though it seems like I'm already too late I'm hateful of the whole world
00:00 (Zero OâClock) BTS
Iâve been so unmotivated for the last month...I donât feel like myself and I am getting frustrated at myself for not being able to pull myself back up and not knowing how to. I used to be super productive and active in my daily life. But now, itâs just days in bed and meals after meals only to amount to no productivity whatsoever. Usually, I am able to get back into it within a few days but this time, purgatory is seeming a bit too long for my liking.Â
Here comes the night
That takes away my smile.
I want to disappear for a bit or maybe a while.
In this world where Im struggling to find where I belong.
Here? There? Im lost
No matter how hard I try to chase this dream, this dark cloud above me continues to grow on.
The world is so mean. Superficial in all.
I canât seem to succeed without a filter on my faults.
The standard of beauty hurts the ones excluded
Im hating myself when I know I shouldnt...
My passion, my drive outweighs my looks
But because of a greedy man at the top, Iâm being overlooked.
My time is running out, I dont know If i can keep going
This passion in me wants to stop flowing.
If it ends here, I guess I was being annoying.

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Nobody in this World - A poem of a heartless romantic
Drink Drink DrinkingÂ
is all you care about.
A world gone badÂ
is all you talk about.
Still, I find the warmth...Or am I kidding myself?
Iâm losing hopeÂ
to find the good in others.Â
One too many dramas in
I may be over reacting.
But still, I feel this.
Long time friend you still havenât changed.
A recent friend, youâre becoming distant.
Iâm kidding myself, if I think I am going to find comfort in these kinds of men.
Gotta run, gotta change, to find my missing piece.
Cause Nobody in this world is for me.Â
Sex, sex, sex
Is all you talk about.
My first kiss
I have yet to do.
Who do I give the honor to?
When Nobody in this World deserves it?Â
If I am being honest with myself...
So I just finished the first week of my last semester in collage and it was hectic. Being the first days of classes, we were forced to introduce ourselves with the generic questions of âwhat is your name, major, and etc.â but the one question that mind tripped me up every time was âWhat is your goal/purpose?âÂ
Honestly, I didnât know myself. But, I gave it some thought for 3 seconds before I had to announce to the class and Iâve decided âSelf Produced Artistâ. It sounds kind of imposter-ish of me to say that considering I really have done nothing to claim this goal but if I am being COMPLETELY honest with MYSELF, itâs always been my dream to make music and escape my somewhat miserable mind through my songs. It is the only thing thatâs made me feel alive and happy. So, hopefully after I graduate, I can dedicate more time to my newfound mission.Â
Just recently, I attended a BeWhy concert and an artist named Ted Park opened for him and I feel like I found my calling. My genre. This whole underground rap and hip-hop never sounded this way to me before but after the concert, I found myself in awe. So thank you god for putting the pieces of life together to let me be there at that certain point in time. My new journey with my newfound goal is starting.Â
I donât want to live anymore
This whole self loathing and my hatred for myself keeps growing and I feel like there is nothing in the world that can help this feeling pass. I am constantly reminded of my growing selfishness and greed that lingers with an echo of âthats why I will never have anything good in my lifeâ. My family hates me, my dreams donât seem to be moving or improving, and I am getting tired of being this person who hates herself. But most of all, I hate that I donât know how to get betterâŚ
Watching the Stephanie Soo, Nikoavocado confrontation videos, brought another demon knocking to my door. I kept wondering, âWhat if I was the bully that led to this life of having no friends? And having no one to call home.â The more I thought about it, the more I kept thinking, âI am the manipulator, I am this immature person, I am this, and I am that. I am a Nikoavocadoâ and that scares me. And makes me feel like an even smaller person who deserved to be in this mess of fighting her demons.
I honestly dont want to live life anymoreâŚsinging is getting me no where, my career seems to be a dead end. When will things look up? Im tired of momentary happinessâŚright now all of my shortcomings outweighs those moments of joyâŚ
-B
To J,
Hey.
Itâs me.
I know I really shouldnât be writing you this because we never really were anything to begin with but, you came to me in my dream again.
The regret, disappointment, and anger that I have towards you still hasnât faded. and I donât know why.Â
I deleted your number, I erased our messages, deleted our photos, and unfollowed your life. Itâs been over a year now. What more can I do to ensure you wonât come back into my late night thoughts?Â
I felt so comfortable around you. No one has ever made me feel the way that you have. And, I really thought you would be the first real relationship in my life.
Maybe our timing was off...Or maybe we were never meanât to be...but we wonât ever know that because we never gave us a shot. You never gave us a shot.Â
Despite my friendsâ constant stories of your broken past, âHe is going to hurt you...Be carefulâ, I was going to give you a shot.
I regret giving you my last hope that life was good. I regret getting involved. If I had known you would have ghosted me, I never wouldâve given you a place in my world. But, you have moved on to give a damn about the aftermath. And you have the audacity to like my post...I really donât know what to think. Stop making me go around in circles and tell me upfront...I want to get over you.
- B
My Bubble
I used to be in a forest surrounded by nature and serenity. The scenery, the clear blue skies, everything. I had it all. The sounds of the winds rustling in the trees kept me happy. The running in open lands kept me on my toes. One day, I ran too far out and found a tree in flames. Slowly, acre by acre the forest began burning down.Â
I wondered, âWhat is happening?â I tried to save them. I tried to revive them. But nothing seemed to work. So, I moved on...
This orchestrated a cycle of burning, saving, burning and saving that left me alone in a bubble. I realized, I was the one burning down the trees, the scenery, the clear blue skies; I once had. No matter how much I wanted to save it, the worst of me took the best of it and it became a distant memory. a distant regret...
Eventually, I weeded my way out of this forest and isolated myself in a Bubble far far away; where no one could touch me and I couldnât touch them.Â
I thought it would be best, but I find myself waking in the full moon of nights thinking of moments in the forest where I found serenity, and was in the hands of nature. I stay long nights awake while thinking about the failures I made. No matter what I do, I stand stern in My Bubble.Â

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Am I not pretty?
I have been battling thoughts on my image of myself lately and its becoming a hole that is manifesting into this monster destroying my confidence.Â
Stress of boy problems, dress shopping, and my never ending angry moments contribute to my constantly decreasing self-image I have for myself. My aunt tells me I am getting fatter; my cousin tells me I look old; and I am constantly punishing myself for getting angry. Like after I get angry, I reflect on myself and ask myself, âMaybe this is why no one will ever love me? I am this aggressive, short, ugly girl who canât seem to achieve anythingâ I honestly feel like the world is against me more these days and I have been hating myself but I know itâs not healthy.Â
I should be enjoying myself by eating all the foods and going out but I am stressed about this wedding I have to attend and I am stressed about just EVERYTHING.Â
I look at these girls with boyfriends and they are all tall, skinny, and beautiful and I look at myself and wonder if I will ever be able to look like that. I donât know....I need my confidence back.
Be happy someone found their someone
Hello tonight, I am feeling a bit down but I have reflected a bit.Â
Here is the gist of how I started to feel. I donât know if I like this guy but I would be lying if I havenât thought about us being a cute couple, but pretty much I have came to a realization that he only sees me as a friend of a friend/ co-worker (because we work at the same place).
I have another co-worker who is a good friend now and she was actually the one that gave me the idea that we would be a cute couple butttttt on the basis that we both like Kpop. But, I have seen the way this guy acts around her. He messes with her, tricks her, and annoys her and from my little to none experience in the love department, he may have a crush on her.Â
My realization: He needed someone to cover his shift and I said I would be able to and he told me that if my good friend wasnât able to then I could cover for him and I donât know why that lowest of keys hurt. To be someoneâs second isnât the first for me but man does it hurt. In addition, I needed him to cover my shift and he said that he probably could to keep it even for me taking his shift beforeâŚ
That part doesnât bother me as much because I should be happy that at least this quiet boy found someone to bring out the silly side of him. But its the fact that I wasnât the one he could be like that too even as a friend. It may sound like I do have feelings for him but I guess its more of me questioning my appeal to the opposite gender. Is it because I am not tall? Not skinny? or maybe because I am quiet? Maybe I donât fit into the definition of beautiful. I have no idea. but I am reflecting on myself and trying find my confidence I lost last year.Â
I am happy if you guys do end up together or if you guys become best friends and I become a third wheel of friendship. As long as youâre happy, I will forever be the supportive friend that forfeits their feelings.Â