a hell that i call home.

A dazed smile feels permanent on Dina’s features over the last few months, thankful for what she has in this hell they call life… but mahogany orbs that glint with mischief are signs Dina’s slowly starting to reawaken beneath the bog of sleep deprivation and motherhood. “ Sweet, sweet silence. The sound of a baby actually sleeping. ” Dina hums thoughtfully to herself, removing her hand only to tangle it with Ellie’s. “ What’re we gonna do with all this free time? Feels too good to be true. ” Ellie won’t like the answer. Chores. But Dina might be willing to hear her out.

Dina smiles at her, and Ellie puckers her lips to lay a kiss to Dina’s index finger, still against her lips, ordering her to keep quiet. ( Lest she wake the beast. ) “ You’ve gotta be shittin’ me, ” she whispers at last, Dina having removed her finger from her lips and giving her a moment to speak. Ellie falls silent, again, and cups her hand behind her ear, as if listening for even the tiniest of sounds from their sleeping son. “ Nope, he’s down for the count. We’re not dreaming, are we? ” She wouldn’t doubt it, at this point in their lives. They were both so sleep deprived …

brushing   snow   off   their   shoulders

offering   to   carry   their   bag

humming   a   lullaby   beside   them

making   sure   their   drink   is   just   right

touching   hands   under   the   table

sharing   a   quiet   moment   in   an   elevator

pulling   the   blanket   up   over   them

fixing   a   crooked   button   on   their   shirt

gently   resting   a   hand   on   their   knee

bringing   them   flowers   “just   because”

watching   them   in   the   soft   morning   light

adjusting   their   glasses   for   them

saving   them   the   last   bite

quietly   placing   their   favorite   book   in   their   hands

squeezing   their   arm   in   silent   support

brushing   dust   off   their   shoulder

letting   their   head   rest   on   your   chest

warming   up   a   heating   pad   for   them

kissing   the   top   of   their   head   in   passing

whispering   their   name   like   a   secret

setting   their   phone   to   charge

pouring   their   tea   before   your   own

tucking   a   note   into   their   pocket

drawing   a   small   heart   on   their   wrist

holding   the   back   of   their   neck   gently

pulling   them   away   from   the   cold   wind

leaning   into   each   other   on   a   train

pressing   their   hand   over   your   heartbeat

offering   your   hoodie   on   a   cold   night

packing   a   snack   for   them

gently   rubbing   their   shoulder   while   they   talk

picking   them   wildflowers

saving   a   seat   beside   you   for   them

mouthing   “you   okay?”   across   the   room

standing   behind   them   while   they   cook

helping   with   their   coat   sleeves

asking   if   they’ve   eaten   today

tracing   their   laugh   lines   when   they   smile

turning   their   playlist   into   a   shared   one

leaving   a   mug   of   cocoa   on   their   desk

tying   your   scarf   around   their   neck

brushing   your   thumb   across   their   wrist

sitting   beside   them   during   a   tough   day

helping   them   put   on   a   bracelet

resting   your   head   on   their   lap

carrying   them   when   they   fall   asleep   somewhere   strange

painting   their   nails   for   them

pressing   a   kiss   to   their   wrist

gently   holding   their   chin   to   meet   your   gaze

leaving   your   scent   on   their   pillow

guiding   their   hand   while   drawing

humming   a   song   they   like

quietly   whispering   “i   missed   you”

brushing   a   tear   from   their   lash

hiding   a   gift   for   them   to   find   later

gently   pulling   them   into   your   arms   during   a   bad   dream

braiding   their   hair   without   asking

waiting   up   for   them   to   get   home

offering   your   lap   as   a   pillow

warming   their   hands   with   yours   in   your   pockets

shielding   their   eyes   from   the   sun

holding   their   face   during   a   long   hug

wrapping   your   arms   around   their   waist   while   cooking

softly   squeezing   their   pinky   when   anxious

sharing   a   hoodie   without   asking

resting   your   head   on   their   shoulder   during   a   movie

lightly   stroking   their   hair   while   they   read

offering   to   write   something   for   them

sneaking   a   Polaroid   of   them   smiling

casually   interlocking   fingers   while   walking

wrapping   an   arm   around   them   in   their   sleep

offering   a   tissue   before   they   ask

kissing   their   knuckles   one   by   one

gently   drying   their   hair   with   a   towel

placing   their   hand   over   your   heart

taking   their   photo   when   they’re   distracted

watching   them   laugh   and   smiling   to   yourself

opening   the   car   door   for   them

waiting   to   make   sure   they’re   inside   safely

gently   tugging   on   their   sleeve   to   get   their   attention

letting   them   nap   on   your   chest

setting   an   extra   place   at   the   table

lending   them   your   favorite   book

adjusting   their   jewelry

putting   a   hand   on   their   back   when   guiding   them

whispering   “you’re   okay,   i’ve   got   you”

resting   your   foreheads   together   mid-hug

brushing   rainwater   from   their   hair

slipping   your   hand   into   theirs   in   silence

bringing   a   warm   drink   to   their   bedside

folding   their   laundry   with   a   soft   smile

reaching   out   instinctively   to   steady   them

tracing   the   veins   on   their   wrist   with   your   finger

taking   off   their   shoes   after   a   long   day

straightening   their   tie   gently

offering   to   help   them   undress   when   tired

letting   your   head   fall   on   theirs   in   a   quiet   moment

playfully   hiding   behind   them   when   nervous

buttoning   up   their   cardigan   slowly

nobody is coming to save you. get up.

let us live, since we must die.

don't trust the beginnings, truth is told in the last moments.

i don't think i'm the hero type.

this was supposed to be closure, not the beginning of another mistake.

underneath your hands, i become poetry. this is the alchemy that you do.

two souls don't find each other by simple accident.

how do i look away now that i've seen you?

it is okay to be gentle, it does not make you weak.

let me fall if i must fall. the one i will become will catch me.

you said i killed you – haunt me then!

tell me every terrible thing you ever did and let me love you anyway.

i'm, as the poet says, a mess!

i am a collection of dismantled almosts.

do you exist? have i made you up?

ignore every instinct to flee. remember: you are a monster, too.

you were destined for me. perhaps, as a punishment.

i crave affection and run from it.

forever is a dangerous word.

you left fingerprints on my soul, but they feel more like bruises now.

am i suffering beautifully? is my agony laveable?

i desire violently – and i wait.

i died a lot to live a little with you.

not yet corpses. still, we rot.

i am made of untamable demons and unfillable voids.

…what i am aches in me.

do not mock a pain you haven't endured.

blood will be spilled. i know it. let it be mine, not yours.

i feel as if i belonged to another world.

memory is punishment.

i dream of you in fractured ways, in hollow nights, and haunted days.

Not fully…

Out of sight out of mind would’ve been a hell of a lot easier than the torture Dina was putting herself through. Seeing Ellie constantly with JJ never gave her a chance to move on fully, texts filled with regret were sent drunkenly, slight relapses of weakness gone by morning’s light. A pounding headache serves as a lingering reminder during a school Winter Cabaret, reprieved with the offer of pain killers from Jesse, former lover reunited. Back from Mexico for the holidays… after a relationship too had crumbled, and interested in sticking around to be part of their son’s life.

It’s selfish of Dina to bask in the past, reminiscing on fond memories in giggling whispers, smug noticing Ellie’s attitude shift and stiffen, cold and snappy. With the intermission and JJ’s class next, Dina corners Ellie on her way to the bathroom. “ Seriously? You’re gonna get all jaded ex on me with Jesse being here? ” Ellie knows she’d lost the damn right when she’d walked out that door.

The divorce papers had come soon after.

Her heart had shattered into a million tiny pieces, yet still, she marched on. She continued to be apart of JJ's life, never wanting to rip one of his parents from him. But seeing her ex - wife in the home they had once shared, leaving her within again and again each time she'd pick up the young boy, each time she'd drop him off, each time she'd leave after visiting . . . it killed her.

( Not to mention texts sent in drunken stupors, never receiving replies, never being acknowledged . . . )

And now, she is forced to sit beside Jesse, her best - friend and JJ's father. Dina's ex - lover. Freshly returned from Mexico, his own relationship having crumbled at his feet, now making an effort to be more of a constant in his son's life. His return meant spending far more time with Dina, and though Ellie had no reason to be jealous, the envy manages to boil in the pit of her stomach. The two of them got along well. They always had. And the laughter and friendly banter between them came easy, even now. It is a major point in Ellie's sudden desire to rush to the bathroom, the school's program on brief intermission before JJ and his class take center stage. What she plans to do in there is beyond her, and, regrettably will never see the light of day, as Dina manages to corner her.

“ What do you want Dina? ” Ellie forces out. She swallows the lump that begins to form in her throat. “ You really think throwing him in my face at our son's play is a good move? ” Green eyes look to the side, unable to gaze upon the woman she'd lost any longer. “ You wanna fuck him now that he's not with Olivia? Fine, be my guest. But don't flaunt it just to hurt me when we're all here for JJ. ”

But Ellie’s inhale and groan are the sweet sounds of victory, clear in the immediate grin tugging on Dina’s lips that pucker into a swift little kiss on Ellie’s sulking ones, chuckling with the claim she won’t be kissed until after her teeth are brushed. “ I bet you’d loveeee my pickled vegetable jam breath~ it’ll taste like raspberries afterward. Mmmmm~ ”

Dina then sits back, a thought occurring. “ Hey hang on a second — you’re not gonna have any? ” She’s offended, playfully, staring down Ellie as though she’s been insulted. It was one thing to judge her craving (cause she totally sounds insane), but to not partake?! “ What about in sickness and in health, babe? What if this is my sickness!? ”

The grin plastered across her face, however, fades quickly. Just how long would these cravings even last? ( What if they never left? What if the baby somehow inherited them, and Ellie was subjected to a life of pickled vegetables and raspberry jam, or grilled cheese with onions and maple syrup, or some other disgusting combination!? )

“ That's also totally unfair. We haven't even exchanged vows, so that doesn't apply to me. ” She realizes that she is treading mighty thin ice once the words leave her lips. Dina's hormones not only caused cravings, but also caused wild mood swings. No matter what she did, Ellie often managed to make Dina cry, be it out of anger, annoyance, sadness, or happiness. “ Not that I'd ever not take care of you! I mean, I'll always take care of you. I just mean, we aren't married, y’know? Yet . . . ” Yep. Definitely shoving her foot in her mouth. Okay, back to the matter at hand . . .

Moving quickly past her fumble, Ellie scrunches her nose in disgust. “ Nu - uh. No way. I'm not dipping pickled anything in jam. I'll make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and eat with you, but no way in hell am I eating that gross shit you're gonna call a meal. ”

𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐔𝐄 :

➔ you're gonna be okay , just keep your eyes on me. ➔ don't move - you're going to make it worse. ➔ it's not that bad. ➔ you saved me once before , now it's my turn. ➔ you fucking idiot , you weren't supposed to take the hit for me. ➔ i told you not to do that! now look! ➔ you're lucky that i know basic first aid , or you'd be dead! ➔ stay with me, okay? stay awake. ➔ i'll be as gentle as i can be , i promise. ➔ you're bleeding - oh my god , you're bleeding. ➔ you told me it was a scratch , this is not a fucking scratch! ➔ there's so much blood. ➔ next time you want to play here , just don't. ➔ stop fighting me and let me help! ➔ you're banned from doing anything remotely dangerous. ➔ you could have died , what were you thinking? ➔ if you die on me , i'm going to be pissed off. ➔ you didn't have to be so reckless just to prove a fucking point. ➔ the wound will heal but you'll have a scar.

𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 :