Evolving The Fox

From ages 7-14, I had Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria. I wasn’t JUST a tomboy I WAS a boy. I cut off my hair in the 2nd grade and didn’t grow it out til 9th grade. I dressed/acted like a boy, changed my name to Lee, had meltdowns when adults tried to dress me like a girl or put me on “girl teams”. I masked all my effeminate personality traits by copying men around me, like my brother, father & friends. Some of these traits are still visible today. When I was preparing for highschool, I was tired of being bullied. I always had an attraction to boys & they made it clear that I was gross. I started growing out my hair & never stopped. My hair is a HUGE part of my identity. It took me 10 years to learn how to care for it properly. To me it’s the most beautiful thing about me. I don’t wear it down a lot cuz it screws with my SPD but I love when it’s down; I feel it beautifies me & brings out my effeminate side, which often hides. I also enjoy stimming with it. I have a memory of riding in the car with my mom & brother (in my 20’s) and was sitting in the back seat, holding my hair in my arms, stroking it, looking at it shine in the sun. I’ll never forget my mom looking in the rearview & teasing me for “holding my hair like a baby”, pointing it out to my brother. Now I notice every time I do it, which is basically every time it’s down. Something else about my hair, I went through a period where I had a friend that would shame me for being confident in myself. I had lost a lot of weight after being bullied for years and between that and my hair growth, I suddenly had attention from men that I had never had before (that was scary/hard to cope with as an autistic, but that’s a different story) My friend didn’t like that I was getting attention & she told me I shouldn’t “brag” about my weight loss or my hair because it would hurt others feelings who may be struggling, so lots of shame built up around this. I didn’t actually brag about my weight loss, but to her, even having confidence was “bragging”. I already struggled badly with body dysmorphia; this made it much worse. To this day I find it hard to post confident pictures for fear of hurting feelings. https://www.instagram.com/p/CKrbACtBPfz/?igshid=awj469ke6py5

My literal autistic ass can’t figure out where to put the green bib. Is this confusing to anyone else? The one on the left says “Whites only” but the other one says “rags only”. So like. Where does this green bib go? Lol this has been like this like a month, and I still haven’t decided where to put the colored bibs. I’ve been considered insubordinate because of stuff like this Maybe not with where to put the green bib, but with phrases like “J needs an appointment made with this doctor.” My old manager used to do this a lot to me, and he would right me up for not following through with directions when I didn’t realize I had directions to follow. I have a new manager now who’s partner’s autistic, so she understands me really well, but also I request that tasks be written down either through email or text or by hand, so these misunderstandings are not longer followed up with punishment, but I still struggle with requests and tasks that aren’t direct. #asd #iamautistic #autism #autistic #actuallyautistic #autismspectrumdisorder #spectrum #takingthingsliterally #literalbrain #blackandwhitethinking https://www.instagram.com/p/CKcPTzeMMAI/?igshid=1vzin0okwjqty

I’ve had a really hard time at work. I’ve felt like I’ve been PMSing since the day my period stopped last week. I’m short tempered, my sensory is really sensitive, I’m fatigued and foggy headed. This is usually how I feel during PMS, but it’s so early...I didn’t sleep well last night and my mom and my husband were demanding and loud this morning and it really threw my routine off before work. During my shift, people were in and out all day, and usually it’s just me and my clients. Two managers came to do a dump run, then we moved around furniture, and replaced blinds. THEN my husband and I fought while I was in the middle of my 14 hour day and it caused me to have a meltdown that involved crying, stimming and punching my thighs. Every time I’d start to calm down, he would text me again, riling me back up. I asked him multiple times to please save this for when I wasn’t at work and he just had to keep getting a last word in, accusing me of our conversation being one sided and me not hearing him. I told him so many times that I was trying to not have a meltdown and to please leave me alone and he continued to text me and point out how one sided I was being and then all these things that I had said that upset him. Communication is something that I really struggle with at times and my husband does not understand that. It’s so so frustrating and exhausting. I am post-meltdown now and have to cook dinner for my clients, feed one of them, shower the other one, do both their nighttime routines and meds and I can barely move. I was already struggling so much last night, and I’m REALLY struggling now. I just wish my husband understood what really was happening during a meltdown and how my verbal communication is poor and to try not to continue having a serious and heated conversation with me, especially when I am at work. I hate adulting as an autistic sometimes. When you’ve masked so well that you’ve even fooled your partner, and they accuse you of being different when your mask falls off, it’s so so upsetting. #asd #actuallyautistic #meltdown #stimming #selfregulation #autistic #autismspectrumdisorder #masking #autism #iamautistic #iamvalid #stim https://www.instagram.com/p/CJ6zkFsjM3-/?igshid=10i7l91ak7u4s

CW: Death - My car is my safe space. I’ve had this car for almost ten years. I often come here to spend time by myself. I am more myself in my car than anywhere else. I feel safe in here, unseen by the world. I’m sure I’ve been caught in here many-a times, happy stimming uncontrollably, or having a meltdown, singing my heart out, or talking to myself. I break in my car at least once a day at work, just to get the seclusion of the cab. I love to blast the music in the car, making it so loud, I can’t hear myself think. Lately, that’s all I’ve wanted. To not think. Tonight I’ve been sitting in my car in the driveway for almost an hour. The heat is cranked. I’ve been crying and stimming the whole time. I like to stim with my portable speaker. I like the weight of it in my hand, and I like the booming bass the rattles my body. I hold the speaker close to my chest and face, to feel the bass reverberate through me. It feels like a hug to me. I have felt very lost since my brother’s death. I mostly keep my feelings to myself, and to just be there to support my family, but I feel very alone. My father has not talked to me since he slammed my brother’s door in my face and I am very confused about why he has left me out in the cold like this. I am scared to reach out for the eternal fear of saying/doing/being the wrong thing.....my brother was my best friend. I felt a closeness with him that I do not feel with any other person. He was a stand-in for my father when he left, and I depended on him very much for that support growing up. Even three years ago as I drunkenly flopped around the Tetons. I always went to my brother, and it feels weird not to have him there anymore. I keep wanting to tell him the news. Tell him the news that he passed away. #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #asd #autism #autistic #actuallyautistic #stimming #grief #death #sittinginmycar #selfstimulatorybehavior #selfregulation https://www.instagram.com/p/CJ47m2CscED/?igshid=18ifdqzybvwo6

So Sorry have really bad vision. I’m near-sighted with 20/800 vision which means I cannot see clearly a foot past my face. Which is whatever. But it means I must wear corrective lenses at all times to be able to function. Again, pretty typical. But I wreck glasses, so I got in the habit of buying my glasses from Eyemart Express, which is known for selling cheap glasses. When you must have corrective lenses to function, and you’re freakishly clumsy, and also poor and not properly insured, you don’t want to spend a lot of money on them. I spend a fortune on contacts because of my astigmatisms, plus I abused them and damaged my eyes, so I prefer glasses. This is what happens to@my glasses all day long. Every time I bend over or even look down. I was feeding. My client during this video and would look down at my phone between bites and this was happening and sending me into a rage, so I thought I would record it. It’s not usually this ridiculous, but I’m wearing a mask to work with my client and my glasses just WON’T STAY ON MY FACE. This is a HUGE rage trigger for me. Like. I will fucking LOSE IT if it keeps happening. I’ve been tucking my ear pieces from my glasses underneath the ear loops from the mask. It kind of helps. But not really. The neck-thing I do is me cracking my neck and it’s a long time stim and a lot of times I do it when I’m really frustrated, like here. This crap sends me into a RAGE. It happens all the time, and when I’m doing important shit. Like changing my client or lifting something heavy. Or literally bending over. They fall off so often that I’ve gotten extremely good at impulsively catching them mid drop. So annoying. All my glasses do this. I know, I can take them back to Eyemart Express and get them fixed.....but add it to the list of things I need to do 🙄#autistic #autism #asd #actuallyautistic #nearsighted #glasses #maskissues #selfstimulatorybehavior https://www.instagram.com/p/CIwX3F6BbJe/?igshid=1i84ws99mi6rw

The journey has begun. (at Ashton, Idaho) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHvjtWwhAUo/?igshid=141083q3bkhe2

I really struggle with boundaries. I struggle with making them and keeping them. I struggle with all things boundaries. The other thing I struggle with is small talk, and a part that comes with that, over-sharing. One of my client’s guardians likes to talk to me on a “friend” level. We are not friends. I am paid to care for her brother. I often talk to her on the phone to answer questions about her brother, and discuss things in the program, but our conversations can go on much further than that. She often keeps me on the phone for 1-2 hours, and she talks nonstop. And she barely talks about her brother. What she does talk about is a lot of stuff that makes me uncomfortable. She makes it almost IMPOSSIBLE to have any kind of professional boundaries. She tells me crazy personal information, she makes racist remarks, she’s xenophobic, she’s a Trump supporter, she’s even fatphobic...and she’s overweight! It goes on and on. She swears, but is like, REALLY OBSCENE. Makes crazily obscene jokes. And I don’t know how to handle any of this properly. I have gotten in trouble so many times with my company for “oversharing” with her, being unprofessional, giving her too much information, etc, but every time I’ve asked for help or coaching, they don’t give me any and tell me I can switch to another program if it’s too much...Today, her brother is away for the weekend...and she called the program to talk to me four times and when I didn’t answer the phone, she texted my cellphone twice. I refuse to talk to her today because her brother isn’t here, and I usually use today (my Monday) to transition back to work. If we were going to discuss her bro’s care, it would be one thing, but she’s SPECIFICALLY calling to shoot the shit. This gives me sooo much anxiety since I keep getting in trouble, plus she makes me so uncomfortable. Tonight, at 8:57, as I’m putting my second client to bed, the phone rings AGAIN. I maaaaay have ripped the phone cords out of the wall and left them out until it was time to leave...for her to text my cell...#boundaries #healthyboundaries #professionalboundaries #autistic #iamautistic #actuallyautistic #ihatesmalltalk #auditoryprocessingdisorder https://www.instagram.com/p/CHB6SUsB8Kt/?igshid=1x27udacuycuq

This is what it looks like when I plan for a meeting. I have been struggling at work the last two years. It has been a very long, ableist two years. I work for in the Direct Support field and work with adults with various developmental disabilities and I love my job. It has ALWAYS made sense to me. I have always been on a level with my clients that I do not see with the other #neurotypical staff. I have often felt shunned by neurotypical people and my job is no exception. I have been without supervision in my program for two years now, due to the constant revolving door that is staff and management, and I have been running this program single handedly. And when I would reach out for help, I would often be met with empty promises and list of everything I was doing wrong instead. Even when I was going through my evaluation process and they knew I was being screened for ASD, they continued to punish me for tiny tasks undone, when I was begging for help in all the same areas. I had finally reported my big boss for bullying me. All those papers on that desk are gathered notes from over the last two years, proof or the bullshit they put me through. This is how much I over-prepare. I only got to read ONE single sheet of paper. This is what it means when people say #autistics are detail orientated and have trouble seeing the big picture. I can see all the tiny, but bad things upper management is getting away with, but in the bigger picture, I am just a nuisance for this company that is pointing out their faults, and they don’t like that. The meeting ended well, I’m ready to put the past behind me and move forward. This isn’t the job I want to do forever anyways. #iwanttohelpotherslikeme #autistic #iamautistic #actuallyautistic #autismspectrumdisorder #asd #sensoryprocessingdisorder #spd #auditoryprocessingdisorder #apd #imnotmadeforofficesettings https://www.instagram.com/p/CHArR7GBFo-/?igshid=kvscno5s562n

Did my hair mask last night as a part of my self-care, in preparation of what I thought was going to be a very difficult meeting today. I procrastinated the entire day when I knew I should have been preparing, and then didn’t really start preparing until after 7p. My meeting was a 9a and it was a long drive, so I had really pushed it to the last minute. The was a continuation of prior issues, so I knew mostly what I was going to say, but I had a few new things I needed to prepare for. In between writing why I was going to say, I took time to do some self care stuff. I did my hair mask (3 eggs, local honey, avocado oil, and tiny splash of ACV, because I do a rinse with it afterwards.) This always makes my hair the happiest. I haven’t put anything store bought in my hair in almost six years until my mother-in-law INSISTED that she pat down my fuzzies with conditioner 😳🙄😤I hated every moment of my wedding besides marrying my wonderful husband, but that’s a story for a different day. Maybe for my #tumblr . It’s was a very autistic day for me lol. https://www.instagram.com/p/CG_ZbQuhd8q/?igshid=z59v535io3dq

My goal now, is to learn everything I possibly can about ASD, seek out more people like me, and find and share tools that help other neurodivergent like me, fit into a society that is not built for them.

#teatime #ednos #depression #anxiety #bdd #bodydysmorphia #alcoholism #recovery #pisces #selflove #selfcare #mentalhealth #iamnotalone #youarenotalone

One of my favorite things to do with food it get #creative with #leftovers and #repurpose food that's on it's way out. I forgot all my #vegetables for my meals at work except for a half Onion and some wilting salads. I always toss veggies in with my eggs so this morning when I went to make breakfast, I was BUMMING when I made this discovery. I tossed in the onion and disassembled a south west salad that had wilted greens and made the most delicious #breakfast! #eggs #bacon #corn #blackbeans #onions #peppers #feta #water #h2o #ednos #depression #anxiety #bdd #bodydysmorphia #alcoholism #recovery #pisces #selflove #selfcare #mentalhealth #iamnotalone #youarenotalone

My best friend of 23 years is addicted to meth. She's been addicted to meth for 18 months and now she is pregnant. I tried to talk to her about it privately. I tried to talk to friends. Then family. No one listened. She got upset. Then she convinced everyone I was the one with the problem to take the attention off her. I lost the respect of a lot of people. Now she's pregnant. And still using. I don't know what to do. #meth #drugaddiction #addiction #addicts #alone #scared #sad #mysister #imissyou

Leaving work. This is one of my biggest #alcohol #triggers. This will be the first time in five months I have finished a shift without my mother driving me home, where I will have the option to buy a 24oz pounder when I get out of work. To me, thats SEVERAL excuses to buy a beer. #Nostalgia: "Just like old times! 😏" #Celebration: "Congrats to my new job! 🏆" #TheHolidays: "It's Christmas! 🎄" #Pity or a #Reward "I'm working on Christmas! 😫🏅" I could probably think of more. Although I am broke, I have $3 in my wallet that I was saving for a coffee on the way into work tomorrow. I will pass at least half a dozen convenience stores where I could purchase a beverage. The urge to stop will be great. At the moment, I am convinced I won't buy one. "I don't have a craving right now. I want my coffee in the morning. That will be my reward for going without." One of three things will happen: I won't buy a malt liquor pounder 🙌🏻 I'll convince myself half way through the day with one of the above excuses that I will buy one tonight, and it will be my last and only time 🤔 (it never is) Or I will feel confident about my choice to go without until I am passing the LAST open store, where I'll stop and buy a pounder on impulse 🙄 (my impulse control is poor). Like I said. Right now I'm confident I'll resist. I'm holding myself to it that I will go straight home after work and not buy that disgusting #24oz #maltliquor #pounder that #tasteslikeshit and is #terribleforme and #rottingmyinsides #ednos #depression #anxiety #bdd #bodydysmorphia #alcoholism #recovery #pisces #selflove #selfcare #mentalhealth #iamnotalone #youarenotalone

My dinner! Had to get creative. I had another dinner planned but I forgot it so I'll have it the next two nights. Having a cup of #honeychamomile #tea with dinner to #soothe me into the night. I'm working towards eating three meals a day. Sometimes I don't eat until 5pm simply for the fact that I don't feel like and don't think about it because I've been drinking coffee all day. Then I'll start eating and won't be able to stop until I'm falling asleep with a plate of food in my bed.....Tonight my salad consists of #spinach #cukes #tomatoes #bacon #cheese #redonion #chinesenoodles and #cranberries I usually don't care for sweet things in my salad but I wanted to mix it up and try something new. I liked it! It hit the spot! #ednos #depression #anxiety #bdd #bodydysmorphia #alcoholism #recovery #pisces #selflove #selfcare #mentalhealth #iamnotalone #youarenotalone

My first fun meal I made! Food and I have a very serious, deep relationship. Sometimes it can be healthy, sometimes it can be very unhealthy. I LOVE food. I love to eat it, I love to smell it, I love to look at it, I love to cook it, I love to grow it, I love to shop for it, I love to cook for myself, I love to cook for other people. And I love healthy foods. I don't HAVE to binge on junk food. Choosing healthy options and eating junk food in moderation is something I am able to do. If I prepare properly, these things are a piece of cake. I work in the healthcare industry and caring for human beings who are incapable of taking care of themselves does not stop for the holidays. The first time I worked in this industry, I had two jobs and worked anywhere from 40 to 120 hours a week between both of them for seven years, and if selfcare and nutrition are not a part of my schedule, I have emotional and mental breakdowns. Although I am overflowing with gratitude for this job, I am also alone for the holidays for the first time in years and it could possibly trigger said breakdowns if I'm not properly prepared. Delicious food I love with MANY snacks and options keeps me happy and my tastebuds stimulated while the healthy choices I have to choose from have the proper nutrition to keep my brain functioning properly and my energy and mood up.

As soon as I walk through the door I step into mindfulness, but today, I'm being mindful about only one thing. My typical reaction and response to my surroundings. The gym can be my safeplace but it can be my worst nightmare too. Right now, I'm calling it my challenge. As soon as I walk in I create a bubble around myself. I either look down or straight ahead. My headphones are in and I don't make eye contact with anyone. But I am aware of every single person within sight of me. I keep away from everyone, leaving at least three to four feet in between me and them. If someone comes in my bubble, I tense up. When I go to the cardio machines, I look for the perfect treadmill. This means that it will be in the back row, so there can be no one behind me. Someone behind me on a machine means that they can look at me for more than a quick second in passing. They can stare at me for a long period of time if they want. Look at my huge ass and all my fluffy back rolls. I also prefer to have the machine on the end by the wall. Always by the wall or window. Whether it's the side of the bed I sleep on or the bus as a child when I was riding to school. It's easier for me to withdraw if I have a wall to turn to. I also cannot have someone within two machines of me. If someone takes the one next to me, you can guarantee within five minutes, just so I don't look like a weirdo, (it is agony forcing myself staying even a minute longer) I will stop my workout, and find something else to do. I don't want to feel their heat and moistness, I don't want to smell their body odor, I don't want to hear them breathe. It has nothing to do with them. It's not that I'm grossed out by extremely natural and human things. It's that my space is being invaded. This is not just a way I feel at the gym, it is a way I feel all the time. The gym is just where I am most vulnerable. Wearing my gym clothes which has ALWAYS left me feeling exposed and vulnerable, even if I'm completely covered, and where I feel like my strength and body size are being judged (even though, they are probably not.) It has been a huge challenge to return to the gym. Now that I am home, I can return to my favorite chain gym where I feel the most comfortable and work on breaking myself out of being so freakishly uncomfortably with myself. I am an empath, so I will always be aware and cautious of who is in my space, but my bodydysmorphia causes me to feel uncomfortable in my own skin, judge myself harshly, compare myself to every single other human being I pass, skip out on activities I enjoy, and base my worth on my size, strength, ability and physical features.