I am begging every ADHD/Autistic person who's been "armchair" labeled with an "avoidant attachment style" to reevaluate themselves and consider the possibility of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) because those two things can co-exist and have symptom overlap, but are tiggered by very different things.
Avoidant Attachment is usually the result of emotional neglect or having to prioritize the emotions of others in adolescence that develops into a discomfort or fear around emotional vulnerability or intimacy that is exclusive to relationships such as romance, friendship, or familial bonds. What triggers the avoidancy is people usually being too clingy, emotionally needy—high-maintenance partners who require higher validation and support needs that can make the individual feel as though they are being depended on—where their own emotional needs are yet again being neglected or put second in comparison to the partner—the emotional stability of the partner being reliant on the individual, causing the discomfort and avoidancy.
PDA is a neurobiological response that is triggered by any kind of demand or expectation for control for the sake of protecting autonomy on the basis of extreme anxiety, a genuine nervous system response, where even tasks you WANT to complete feel impossible/unable to complete if they are demanded, typically co-existing with executive dysfunction and effect your day to day life, not just exclusive to relationships. It is a feeling of being genuinely paralyzed by demands and expectations that result in avoidance or flat out refusal.
Avoidance: "Depending on me makes me uncomfortable and pull away. I am uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability, intimacy, and people depending on me as a result of how I was treated as a child."
PDA: "Demands and expectations make me shut down and mentally paralyzed, so I avoid them or refuse them. Don't pressure me, or I will pull away from you as well, as you are a trigger. I enjoy things like intimacy, and I am okay with emotional vulnerability, but when it is demanded of me or turns into an expectation, that is when I avoid. It has to be my decision with no pressure or expectation."
I can't count the number of other autistic people I have come across with PDA issues that have been demonized and labeled as "avoidants" or even narcissists due to attachment style discourse when most of the time it is directly tied to Autistic/ADHD neurodiversity and not childhood trauma.
