. M O O N C H I L D .

What holds him back is he doesn’t believe he’s desirable romantically. He especially doesn’t believe that he deserves Shane. That insecurity and that low self worth given to him by his family, the one group of people who are supposed to love him unconditionally, is what drives their miscommunication.

He’s staring himself down in the mirror, disgusted with himself for needing Shane so much. Of course Shane doesn’t want him outside of sex. That’s all he’s good for. Of course Shane found a nice, sensible, beautiful woman.

Shane is a ‘good boy’. He’s going to settle down and get married and do all the things a professional hockey player should be doing.

Ilya is so deeply hurt and embarrassed that he thought for even a second he could be something more for Shane. Embarrassed that he wanted that.

He opened himself up for the first time in his adult life and got a knife through the heart- because of course he did. That’s what always happened when he was a kid. When he played a game and expected his father to be proud of him, only to be dismissed and belittled at every turn.

His brother calling him a ‘whiny faggot’ for expressing even the most surface level emotions.

My watercolors are available as prints in my shop!

things to cry about this morning:

the way shane's eyes fly open when ilya says his name