life

I wish you were here to love my children.

To poke fun at my boyfriend with.

To experience new things.

To plan new adventures.

To laugh and cry with.

To reminisce with.

My heart is broken because a super lost but so so beautiful soul is gone. One of the last times i spoke with him, he was looking for a therapist. Do you know how many times i wanted to message him to tell him i heard of an online therapist from another friend, but was too afraid to talk to him because my partner would be jealous. Or thought, oh im sure he found one by now. NOT EVEN A MONTH LATER HE WAS GONE....

Its my fault for letting it stop me but THIS, this is why it is important to be available to people, no matter what your partner thinks or what is going on in your life. If someone says something or hints at something, BE THERE. Like i said, it may not make it go away but it could help.

All i can do now is hope he is at peace.

Its crazy to think how fast life-changing events happen and how many aspects it effects.

A death, a break up, a new baby, a new career. Everything changes from the moment we realize whats on our plate. A mind shift, a new daily routine, a new diet, new people to connect with. It all shifts so quick because of one moment in time, one hard decision, one big surprise, one bit of info..

For years i told people a story about a guardian angel that saved my life. This is the story: me and my brother were playing outside with bubbles. The bubbles all of the sudden fell out of my hand so me and my brother decided to go inside and get some more. Well, almost as soon as we go inside someone crashes into our garden lions and halfway into our driveway, stopping right where the bubbles landed just minutes before hand. Guardian angel saving my life, right??

Wrong. Yes, my life was saved but it wasnt my guardian angel..

My brother, who has now been dead for 12 years, had been escaping death since he was young.

That was just one example of how he escaped death. He almost died choking on a quarter and cheese from pizza. CHEESE from PIZZA. He also had been in a terrible car accident with my dad. He even almost got caught up in the ocean.

Someone or something has saved him everytime. Death caught up to him, though.

Imagine loosing the closest people to you and still thinking you are not the problem.

Accountability and change are inevitable when it comes to self growth. I ask myself all of the time, where did I fuck up and how can i change it? Do i ever wanna admit that my personality has flaws? HELL NO. But i do it anyway because i wanna be a better person.

Dont do something you wouldnt want done to you.

Its kinda crazy. The trust you try to earn from someone and when they dont give you trust, you wonder why.

Is it because they are being shady behind your back and are being reflective? Is it because they dont trust you? Or is it because their past made them this untrusting person, with anyone, no matter how much loyalty there is between them?

Actions show that there is nothing to worry about along with the words that come with such a situation.

Im so glad i put 20 in my tank just to spend 5 of it in this traffic all while my truck is threatening to over heat. This truck has been with me through it all but damn ive never regretted such a big purchase. I live in colorado where it snows and ive got a 2wd vehicle-i am always sliding and am forever scared of getting stuck. When i bought this truck it was at 150,000 miles and I've already put on 100,000+. Im filling the coolant res every other week and ive already put about $2000+of repairs into it. I can hear my engine starting to loose it and theres some electrical issues but guess what, ive still got 3 years of payments left.

Why did i make such a poor decision?? I got it for the wrong reason, no doubt about that. And i think that 'wrong reason' is the reason i hate this vehicle so much. Its supposed to be HIS. So when i am faced with all of these very basic issues of owning a vehicle, i get mad and think 'fuck this truck' when in reality its not the truck, its the reason i have this truck.

Buying this truck was not a poor decision when it comes down to it. Its been a super reliable mode of transportation for myself, my business and peoples belongings. And because of it i was able to travel across the country multiple times and camp in the woods. Its a blessing in disguise.