it puts the lime in the coconut.

It was normal for a Divine Smite to feel like a mean orgasm. Occasionally, like a regular one. That’s what Porter told her.

It wasn’t normal for a mortal to eat ambrosia. Occasionally, there would be consequences. That’s what Porter told her.

What Porter didn’t tell her is that this newfound divinity increased his desire – to the point that Divine Smites could no longer provide him the satisfaction he craved. She figured that out all on her own.

She wanted this scheme to be a success. That wouldn’t happen if Porter was too horny to think straight. Clearly, they’d need to fix that, and having sex with her would be the fastest way to do so. That’s what Kipperlilly told him.

---

She might as well address the elephant in the room: Porter had a Goliath dick and Kipperlilly had Halfling holes. She made it work. What kind of adventurer would she be if she couldn’t handle a little pain?

---

After their first time (a quick blowjob beneath his desk), Porter said they had to keep their arrangement a secret. 

She was insulted. Did he think she was an idiot? Of course she wasn’t going to tell anybody. Her parents would immediately withdraw her from Aguefort Adventuring Academy if they found out. She couldn't become Student Body President if she wasn’t enrolled. Even if they did let her stay, the scandal would ruin her campaign.

(She knew her campaign was already dead. It had been the moment that Kristen fucking Applebees decided that she wanted to become president. Whenever a Bad Kid wanted something, they got it. 

But buried deep within her was an idealist, a pigtailed girl who believed in justice and fairness and progress. Who thought that a candidate with an actual platform would prevail over a candidate who only spoke nonsense.)

Belatedly, she realized his concern was more for his own reputation. That was understandable. He was a teacher, after all – it’d be bad optics if he was caught sleeping with a student. People would get the wrong idea. 

---

Did she like having sex with him?

Physically, no. Porter had never been concerned with her own pleasure, and Kipperlilly never asked him to be. That wasn’t relevant. She was a vessel to relieve his stress, not the other way around.

Emotionally, yes. Not in any romantic sense: their relationship wasn’t like that, and neither of them wanted it to be. It was purely business. And that’s what she liked about it – it was proof that she was valuable to the mission, that she was useful. 

---

A couple of weeks after Kipperlilly went to Hell, she was burdened with Figueroth Faeth’s company. 

“I’ll get straight to the point, Kettlecunt. I don’t like you–”

“The feeling is mutual, Pruneroth,” she snapped. When she revisited this conversation in her mind (over and over, consistently searching for what the right words would have been to make this asshole finally understand), this was always a low point for her. 

If she were a better person, she’d think that the whole thing was beneath her. If she were a better person, she’d think that fighting hate with hate (and that was what this was, hate – subconsciously and unintentional, most likely, but still hate. The kind she had been dealing with her entire life, the kind that made her embarrassed to be a Halfling) was no way to solve her problems. 

She wasn’t a better person, though. She was mainly upset that Pruneroth was such a lame insult. 

Fig looked unimpressed. “But, if you’d let me finish – I recently learned Porter was sexually abusing you. And it doesn’t matter how I feel about you as a person, I still think that’s fucked up.”

Kipperlilly explained to her that it wasn’t like that. She gave her a condensed version of the spiel: she wasn’t a victim, it was purely for the sake of their scheme, and she was the one who initiated it. 

“Wow. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there - I mean, not with Porter, but kind of similar. Wanting older men to give you romantic attention–”

“Did you listen to a single word I said? I didn’t want him romantically. I didn’t even want him sexually.” She over-enunciated each word, as if she were speaking to a small child. That was certainly what it felt like. “I wanted him to become a new God. I did whatever was necessary to make that happen, and yes, that included making him cum a couple of times. I fail to see why you even care.”

“If you’d let me speak a complete sentence before interrupting me, then maybe you’d see why!” Fig didn’t even seem mad, just disappointed. Kipperlilly was loath to admit it, but Fig had a point. She pantomimed zipping her mouth shut, and motioned for her to continue. “First of all, pretty much anyone is going to care if they learn a high school teacher sexually assaulted a student. I know you don’t want me to call it that, but that’s what it sounds like to me. Second of all, it doesn’t, y’know… feel great to send a kid your age to eternal damnation? The Shatter-Stars were a valid reason to get the rest of the Rat Grinders pardoned, but it didn’t count in your case, since you asked for it. But this could be a way to get you out of Hell, if I argue you only did it because you were groomed. And you want to get out of here, don’t you?”

Against all odds, Kipperlilly did not immediately flip out at Fig. Instead, she took a moment to consider her words. Mainly the last part, about her potentially getting a pardon. And while Kipperlilly couldn’t be convinced that she was a victim (she knew better)... whose to say that she couldn’t scam whoever it was that had jurisdiction over her soul?

It was a tempting prospect. But an impractical one. 

“Of course I want to get out of here,” Kipperlilly begrudgingly admitted. “But it’s not going to work. You already said the Shatter-Star wasn’t enough to get me out of here, so there’s no way this business would. My deal with Ankarna and my deal with Porter were basically the same: I offered my body willingly and they accepted it.”

“But that’s different,” Fig immediately said. Kipperlilly wished that she had pretended to think about it, at least.

“How?”

NOTE: smth smth, religious themes

i went a bit cray cray with this one and decided to make fuck ton of tiny brush strokes by hand

from my sketch, and also the unfinished version i accidentally posted