Finding Beauty

I'm going to keep everything anonymous and vague while getting to the point here. This being my first post I find it necessary to introduce myself. I'm a 22 y/o trans woman and sex worker. I came out at 17 and my parents split up a few weeks later. My dad and step mom accepted me without hesitation but my birth mother and I haven't spoken in years. I do sex work on the side to build confidence mostly. I have finally found my style and love my body more than ever, yet I feel like a shell. I have things I love I have people I love. But none of it feels permanent.

I've been thrown gh alot and couldn't handle keeping up with this. But I want to keep in touch. So here goes.

I was fired from my job and was unemployed for a month or two. Finally got a new job that I hated at first but I'm feeling better about it now.

My boyfriend and I joined a polycule and are having an amazing time.

And I have been thinking about my own happiness and feelings. I've come to a few conclusions and most are very small. Stuff I want to work on with myself, like being more organized. another is a bit bigger.

The big one requires a little help from anyone willing to. My plans to get bottom surgery have become concrete. I want to start getting stuff put together and ready for when the time comes... One major part of that is getting the funds together to pay for it. And it's no small matter...

I'm going to be blunt now and just say it. I will be needing close to $30k USD. And I'm in no position to aquire that money. So I would like to post a GoFundMe link here to spread or donate to.

And I do realize this breaks my anonymity thing on this blog. But this means more to me than that.

Anything helps sharing with tags, donating, sending to friends, ect.



I know its not. But i cant help but imagine it.

I know how to flip a car if i wanted. Crash my moped. Sleep in a bath.

The girl is monogamous, I'm not sure I can give up being poly.

The hyperfocus is draining my life and I can't think of anything else.

The promotion is more work for only $1/hr more.

And I'm moving in with my ex who I've been having issues with lately.

It's like I mean nothing, but you still want me Around, even if you seldom show it.

Everything is Falling apart, yet the world keeps going. I have work tomorrow. But I have nothing else going for me.

I'm done trying with them, I always get hurt, I don't understand why I keep pushing for something I'm not getting from them. It ALWAYS backfires. I give up.

Dreading work tomorrow. But I've gotta do it.

I feel like how I've been being treated this week has been completely unfair, not just by you but everyone in general. I've gotten to a point in my life where I am able to establish and uphold boundaries better than I could previously. That being said I am also feeling like my niceness has also been taken advantage of.

I am finally to a point where I'm not jealous of what the person I love does, I'm so proud of myself. But at the same time. I want the support that is expected of me to be returned. And it hasn't been.  This specific situation this morning is a good example. You expected me to care about your date and be excited outwardly, which I am content doing and I'd love to. But if the tables were turned and I was going out with someone the same support wouldn't be instilled. When I told you about [REDACTED] there wasn't any excitement outwardly, and eventually it was turned at me and weaponized. I feel like my emotions have been disregarded lately and it hurts to have to hold it all in.

I am confused where you and I stand, you act like you don't care that I exist and seldom even hug me. You come to me as a safe space but I don't have the same from you. When I tell you something about what's bugging me I hardly get anything from you. I'm feeling used in a way. I don't know how to explain it.

So, yes I'm excited about your dates, I'm excited you're going out again and trying to have fun. But I am also feeling empty like I am no longer important to you.

Again this isn't all you, my coworkers and even roomate are treating me differently too. I'm struggling with my emotions, and I am just trying to figure out how to handle them, And it's draining me.

I understand that you are having a lot of emotions and stuff keeps happening to you, and I wish I could take it from you. But I can't. And I can't handle being a scapegoat.

Work has been very toxic as of late and no matter what I try to get things to be less so, I end up getting pointed out as toxic or too sensitive. It makes a person want to run away and disappear.

I was shunned from a friend group the other day for setting a boundary, asking them to not talk about eating disorders. "You're too sensitive" they said. I'm not sensitive for setting boundaries.

... it makes a person want to run away and disappear...

My cat got out yesterday and is still missing I asked a few people to help me get the word out. I hope she comes back.

And...

It's ...

Draining....

I've spent the last week trying to figure out where I stand with people, and honestly, I've discovered nothing. I haven't left square one.

My therapist asked me if I've been having suicidal thoughts, and boy was that loaded. I had to lie. I don't want to be locked up. I know I won't do it. I have too much unsolved I need to figure out.