Sitting pretty with a cup of Prince Vladimir

"Actually, I LOVE HIM."

Imagine being ilya in that moment. I love the way his eyes keep sliding over to Shane. How quiet and meek he is. He's standing in front of Shane's family, who are so unlike his, and he's unsure, and he's just been outed too, and Shane just says it. Says he loves him. Fully just owns it. To his mother and father.

I mean. MY FUCKING HEART, y'all.

Give me Shane "hates clubbing and bars" Hollander not minding Kingfisher in the afternoon but refusing to go at night. Give me Shane never understanding the slang (he's never online) and being overstimulated by drag brunch (it's so LOUD and nothing fits his diet even once he loosens it a little and brunch as a concept throws off his entire routine) and utterly bored by any TV show that isn't the latest game replay (is this reality TV? Is it a drama? He can't remember and he can't tell the difference but honestly he'd rather be watching hockey) and unable to remember the difference between Lady Gaga and Cher (he never listens to music anyway) and completely disinterested in changing his wardrobe (for fancy events he wears whatever his stylist tells him to but not anything adventurous, because he just wants to look acceptable not make a statement).

Give me Shane feeling alienated from gay culture the way he sometimes feels alienated from Japanese culture and being so frustrated that being himself, exactly as he is, still isn't good enough for anyone.

Give me a Shane Hollander who doesn't want to be "the gay hockey player" the same way he doesn't want to be "the Asian hockey player" but he'll suck it up because he's such an inspiration, don't you know how many kids look up to you? Don't you know how much it matters to them to see you out there loud and proud?

Give me Shane finally snapping at Ilya that clearly he's not "super gay" if he's so bad at it, because he's sick and tired of everyone being disappointed that he's not up on whatever the latest queer culture trend is and he does not want to be a "gay icon," he just wants to play hockey and love his husband, and he's not magically a different person now that everyone knows he's gay.

Give me Ilya reckoning with how coming out has only put more expectations on Shane's shoulders and noticing the roles Shane is always forced into - the Asian player, the gay player - and understanding a bit more why privacy seemed like a better guarantee of freedom to Shane than openness.

Yes absolutely he is becoming a PWHL coach. He’s doing constant promotional work to expand the league and its audience and doing interviews where he talks shit about all the creeps and losers in and running the NHL. “if me and my husband, Shane Hollander, had been female hockey players, we would have been criminally under paid and almost entirely ignored despite our epic love story. These women take their jobs incredibly seriously and play outstanding hockey. Of course some of them want to kiss each other. Would happen more in the NHL if the vile behavior of some players was not both tolerated and supported by teammates, coaches, and administrators.”

His players love him, the owners don’t understand his methods but can’t argue with results, and the NHL is actively pursuing their second defamation lawsuit against him even as they are actively trying to prevent Luca from doing public appearances with his new husband.

Now that they have his undivided attention, Shane becomes a regular guest commentator for PWHL games (never for Ilya’s team though, he’s in the stadium for those generally) and becomes a highly regarded figure for many PWHL fans.

heated rivalry twitter (34/?) in honour of hudson's birthday have some of shane being "secretly the funniest guy I know"

bonus: ilya's contact info for shane

They’d raced each other out to the long tree to the left of the dock, swimming hard and fast, competitive here too, in the water- anywhere they could be. Shane had won by half a second and Ilya had argued he cheated and when Shane had asked how on earth he could have cheated Ilya wined about how short his swim trunks were and that they were an obvious distraction. Very dirty play from Shane, as per Ilya.

Ilya and Shane hadn’t gone inside until the sun was slowly starting to dip and go orange warm, the air still thick with heat and Ilya complaining about his pruny fingers, while simultaneously trying to shove said wrinkly fingers down Shane’s swim trunks.

They’d showered and eaten, salad and chicken breast because it was too hot to face anything heavier or what required more than just the grill to cook. They’d packed away and cleaned, Ilya asking for a kiss every time Shane passed him a dish to dry. He explained it was payment for his labour. Shane thought it was a pretty good deal, considering how well he likes to be kissed; and how well Ilya kisses.

Shane had been tucking yawns into his elbow by the time they walked to the couch but it was Ilya’s choice for movie night tonight and he was very excited to watch Die Hard and Shane does like Die Hard. He can make it through a movie he’s sure. They make themselves a nest on the couch, the aircon on to make the room nice and cool so they can get cosy, because Shane doesn’t want to let a heatwave stop him from getting to cuddle with Ilya. There are enough things that keep them apart already.

They have just one blanket, a waffle knit that isn’t as warm as the others, but still lovely and heavy like Shane likes and Shane is leant back against the arm of the couch, fucking around on his phone- clearing out some emails and texting his dad back as he waits for Ilya to come back from the bathroom. Shane isn’t paying attention really as he waits so suddenly he just has a big lapfull of Ilya.

Ilya draws the blanket up as he lays on top of Shane, his head on Shane’s chest turned to face the tv, lying between Shane’s legs. Shane just scoffs a laugh and tucks his phone down the side of the couch and reaches to fix at the blanket where Ilya had just half heartedly pulled it over him.

Shane clicks play on the movie and his next yawn makes his eyes go wet with the depth of it and he turns his head away to muddle the sound. He tilts his chin down and rubs his mouth over Ilya’s soft curls. Eyes half on the tv and half drooping. Ilya’s hair is half damp from the shower and he smells like his body wash and hair products and he’s such a nice weight on Shane. Shane takes a greedy deep inhale through his nose again. The smell of Ilya is home. His baby. He hums under his breath as he continued to nuzzle his lips over Ilya’s soft half dry curls, the comfort of it enough to make his limbs all heavy.

Ilya rubs his cheek against Shane’s chest, over and over until Shane grunts out a “what?” and grabs at the back of Ilya’s neck. “You are going to put yourself to sleep like that my Shane” Ilya groans and Shane huffs out a laugh. Ilya knows him well. Fucker.

Shane tightens his hand on the back of Ilya’s neck and turns his head to his cheek is resting on top of Ilya’s head, facing the tv. “I’m watching” Shane sighs and he feels Ilya’s smile against his chest.

“Good boy” Ilya mumbles and Shane smacks the back of his head gently with a cupped palm.

Ilya nips at his chest through his tshirt and it makes Shane squirm but then they settle for a while. A few minutes. Then Ilya is shifting against Shane again, wriggling and Shane just lets him, assuming he’s getting comfy, but then Ilya grunts and says “scratches” and Shane smirks, ah of course. Shane puts his hand under the blanket, and sets his nails between Ilya’s shoulder blades, over the thin fabric of his tshirt. He starts slow long scratches of his nails gently up and down Ilya’s toned tall back.

Shane feels Ilya go heavy with the pleasure of it, the extra weight of him on his body, the way he groans soft and content on every few exhales. Affection bleeds heavy through Shane’s chest. There’s nothing he enjoys more than making Ilya feel good, feel safe, settled. He loves seeing Ilya relaxed, feeling him relaxed. Shane can’t believe he gets to be the one to give him that. Boyfriends. His boyfriend. His love. Shane’s.

“You can’t fall sleep either” Shane says after a few moments of slow heavy breathing from Ilya.

“I am so awake” Ilya says after a thick swallow voice rumbly.

“You better be” Shane gruffs and he feels Ilya’s belly shift against his lower body, moving with his sleepy laugh.

“Yes boss” Ilya nods

“We will both stay awake” Ilya confirms

“Definitely” Shane agrees and his next yawn cracks his jaw a little.

Shane keeps the slow tickle of Ilya’s back, and lets his head lean back against the arm of couch, watching John Mclane on the screen. His blinks are heavy but he’s got this, he can keep himself up and then he and his big sleepy log of a boy can crawl into bed for the night, they have fresh sheets on the bed. It’ll be so good.

The next thing Shane knows, he can hear the soft rustle of fabric, his body is heavy in the wrap of sleep and he feels movement around him, he frowns, only very a little bit awake as he tries to orientate where he is.

“Shane” Ilyas voice is low and warm, and Shane turns his face towards it. Ilya. He’s too tired to make his tongue work but he hums, draws in a deep breath as he tries to draw himself up into consciousness. Closer to Ilya.

“Ah. Sonnyy zaychik” Shane frowns, too half asleep to even try translate and he gets his eyes a tiny half blink open, heavy arms moving, tugging the heat on his chest closer, tighter, Ilya.

“Come on, we need to move, you’ll be very mad zaychik if I let you sleep on couch. Neck will be sore and back will be sore, too sore for yoga. This is not good” Ilya’s voice is warping around him and sleep is so nice and heavy and he’s so warm. Why would they move? Ilya is crazy and sleep is here.

Shane whines and shakes his head. “Sleep” Shane mutters, tilting his head down to rub his face into Ilya’s hair. Soft.

“Soft” Shane exhales, and squeezes his arms firm around Ilya, pinning him to his body, tight.

Ilya grunts and Shane turns his face down more, burrowing, trying to find Ilya’s face with his, he wants to be closer.

“Super human strength to crush poor boyfriend” Ilya grits and Shane whines again when heavy warm is pulled away from him, squirms and blinks hard to get his eyes open.

“Nooooooo” Shane looks in the low light, the room dark besides a light shining in from the kitchen down the hall and the dark light of the tv screen running credits.

“Ilya” he asks, and Ilya’s heart pinches.

He’s stood at the end of the couch and Shane is a fussy little mess, tangled in his sweat pants and the blanket, face pink with sleep eyes heavy and bleary and a deeep frown on his face. His grumpy grumpy boy.

Shane repeats his name and holds a sleepy arm out toward him. “Cuddle. Sleep” his boyfriend/caveman requests monosyllabically, mouth mostly closed still.

Oh god. What is Ilya going to do with him. Do with himself. Shane might kill him, really. The picture he makes and Ilya feels mean for pulling back from their cuddle but he know how annoyed Shane would be if he woke up with a crick in his neck and couldn’t do his usual yoga flow.

“Yes zaychik, cuddle, sleep” and Shane lets out a low tired “yessssss” and Ilya pushes his smile into his mouth with a press of his lips and leans down over the couch, gets an arm under the back of Shane’s head, thread under his knees and Shane is trying to turn into the warmth of his body already, squirming toward Ilya’s chest with a sleep drunk determination.

“But in our bed” Ilya whispers and Shane’s sad little “noooo” is smushed against Ilya’s chest as he lifts him up off the couch. That seems to wake Shane more, he flinches and his hand comes to grip at the front of Ilya’s shirt. His eyes blink all the way open and Ilya thinks this has to be what newborn kittens look like. Must be. No other way. His nose is wrinkled hard, and brows set in and his pretty cheeks are all pink. Ilya needs to bite his face. As soon as feasible. And maybe find a safe place for Shane to exist, like behind his ribs or between his fingers. Where Ilya can keep him safe and warm and fussy like this always.

“What” Shane manages to get out and he’s blearily looking around and Ilya has to look away from his sweet handsome face before he trips and kills them on the stairs from the way his heart is squeeze squeeze squeezing.

“We are going to bed, I am carrying you because your legs broke in your sleep, this is very sad” Ilya sighs, holds Shane tighter to his chest as he rounds the corner, watches carefully to make sure his head is clear of the wall.

Shane just sighs, like Ilya is torturing him, and the Ilya feels his face smush into his chest, warm and no doubt just as grumpy as before.

“I know. I am very evil man” Ilya laughs under his breath and then he’s stepping into their room, he manages to get the covers down on Shane’s side before he deposits him on the bed. Shane, in all his sleep haze rolls tighter into Ilya’s chest when he tries to pull back. “Cuddle. You said” Shane’s voice is pleading, young. Just for Ilya. Ilya’s heart surely can take much more.

“Yes, my Shane, cuddle” Ilya whispered and can’t help but to lean his head down to kiss over Shane’s soft warm cheeks. Tiny little pecks of his lips that he can feel Shane following, tilting his face up into each of them, nuzzling their faces together like those videos he’s seen of kittens cleaning each other with licks.

“Let me get us to bed yes?” Ilya whispers, lips on the corner of Shane’s pretty mouth.

“Okay?” Ilya asks and Shane nods, loosens his viper grip on Ilya. “Quick” he mutters and Ilya can feel something so horribly beautiful in the back of his throat his chest. This gorgeous boy misses him for a few seconds apart, Shane asks for him so shamelessly, in the way that Shane rarely openly asks for anything at all, he asks for Ilya. He wants.

Ilya makes good on his earlier wish and parts his mouth to drag his teeth in a gentle light scrape over the apple of Shane’s cheek, taking the meat of is gently in a feather soft bite, pressing his teeth once, twice before letting go.

Shane has a huge dopey smile and Ilya’s saliva on his cheek when Ilya pulls back. Ilya feels like he might of left his heart pressed to Shane’s chest somewhere back on the couch, the two of them beating together. It would explain the way his chest feels bruised.

“Top off?” Ilya asks, his hands already pushing at the bottom of Shane’s shirt because he knows Shane doesn’t like sleeping with a top on, sometimes he wants boxers or sweats or soft shorts but never ever a top.

Shane nods and Ilya eases the fabric up off his body, says a soft “arms up” that for some stupid second makes him miss home (home to him is still just only one room in his first home in Russia, his bedroom, the smell of mamas perfume, the weight of care). Shane flops his arms heavily over his head and Ilya folds the fabric once it’s off, places it on Shane’s beside table.

“Pants on?” Ilya asks and Shane nods, his hand moving back out trying to find Ilya again.

“Okie Okie hang on” Ilya says, stripping off till he is just in his boxers and then he’s peeling back the other side of the covers and climbing in next to Shane. The little leech beside takes all of two seconds to roll over into Ilya’s space with a whine under his breath.

“Sheets cold” Shane mutters and Ilya shushes him, strokes a hand down the back of his head, thumb rubbing at the base of his neck.

“I’m warm yes?” Ilya asks, pulls Shane up onto his chest and Shane sighs out heavy and happily, rubbing his face all over Ilya’s chest, like a sleepy milk drunk kitten looking for something soft to snuggle into. This vicious kitten deems him acceptable, his arm reaching up, hand laying over his pec, cheek pressed to the other one and his small frown finally smoothes out.

“Mmhm” Shane confirms on an exhale.

“Love your warm” Shane slurs and Ilya’s hand massages steady at the back of his neck, can feel how close his Shane is to dropping off to sleep.

“Love you” Ilya replies, leans down to kiss kiss kiss at Shane’s head, over his hairline, thinks into his kisses ‘rest rest rest’ his thoughts aimed at that gorgeous brain of Shane’s that he knows can tick on and on and on even in his sleep.

It is the most impressive thing Ilya has ever seen and he brings it up constantly to everyone, at the slightest provocation, "did you know my husband is like... Hollander, what's his name? McArthur?" "MacGyver" "Yes! Like MacGyver, he picked a lock using a gum wrapper!" And of course he's asked Shane how he learned to do that but he just said he learned it as a kid because he thought it might come in handy one day.

It isn't until much later that Ilya actually manages to get the whole story out of him and finds out that when Shane was barely 13 he was moved up to U15 AAA despite being younger. He was placed on the first power play almost immediately and it was clear the coach favoured him, even before he was moved up to first line centre. All the parents and coaches talked about him constantly and scouts were already taking note of him. Some of the older 14-15 year olds really hated him for it and would "pick on him a bit," as Shane puts it. This apparently included locking him in the equipment room. When Shane tells him that he'd been stuck in there for almost two hours before someone found him, he says what he remembers being most upset about is the fact that he missed almost the entire practice.

Hollanov: “Erm! actually! Shane is the one that was repressing his true self!

(if you are good than maybe it makes up for the ‘bad thing’ you are doing)

and Surprise he is ALSO a cocky asshole when he’s no longer scared of the world!”

Shane: *chirping his ass off and flirting loudly with Ilya*

And where did all that media training get him? Run out of Montreal on a rail. From now on Shane will not be holding back any longer. His public image is bland. His actual personality is not. And he’s reached the point where he’s starting to care less about presenting the perfect media trained image. Since it did him no good at all when the chips were down.

I think the OP is right. The public will be seeing a much funnier, much more savage, and more truthful Shane from now on. I’m not saying he’ll forget all his media training. But he’s going to lighten up and let bits and pieces of his cunty, hilarious real personality show through from time to time.

Yuna will be worried at first . But in fact, behaving like a Real Boy (with a wicked sense of humour) somehow makes him more popular. Finally, a Shane Hollander who occasionally breaks free of his Most Boring Man in Hockey public persona and turns out to be hilarious.

i also hate this. but hear me out. i don't think they mean it maliciously. i don't think they realize how it makes shane feel. cus like imagine you spend your whole life killing yourself to be as perfect as your mom hopes you’ll be. you don’t have a childhood because you’re always training for your adulthood. you sign away your life to her favorite hockey team the second you’re old enough to do so. you do everything she tells you, you sign every contract she hands you, you attend every social event she recommends, you bend over backwards to show her that you love her and respect her and want to do what she asks. you starve yourself and punish yourself and deny yourself and push and push and push yourself. and in a way you still fail to measure up. you still fail to achieve the perfection she so sincerely hoped you had inside of you. and then along comes this friendly handsome blonde white man who’s bigger than you, more outgoing than you, almost or just as good at hockey as you. and your parents love him. and he doesn’t starve himself or punish himself or deny himself or push himself. he walks into their life and just Is, and they love him. and in a way they make it clear you pale in comparison to him. and they all tell you that maybe you’re trying too hard, because look at ilya. he doesn’t try that hard, and he’s our favorite.

and we have to keep in mind that shane already thinks he's doing a bad job. he's bad at being a man, he's bad at being their son, he's just failing in literally every single aspect of his life. we see it manifest in his fear and anxiety and control issues and his eating disorder. and at every turn, it's reinforced. the way his life is managed & the way it plays out tells him that he SHOULD worry. he SHOULD feel bad. it's constantly reiterated to him that there is so much riding on him, there is so much he's responsible for, so much he has to achieve, that he cannot possibly let any of it slip for even a second. and even after all that he is still not their "favorite". i actually think shane should’ve gone crazy. i actually think shane should’ve snapped. he should’ve bought a gun. idk if that's easy to do in canada or not but i would have supported him if he'd tried.

and you could say “it’s not that deep!” it absolutely is. shane is their son. he is their only son. he has been making himself miserable his whole entire life in order to be the son he thinks they want. and i know people will also think “but ilya deserves to have parents that love him!” so true bestie nobody said he didn’t. it's possible to bring a partner into the fold without, like, acting like he's a replacement. without making it seem like he's finally filling the hole shane left by not being a good enough son. & i'm sorry but the way that the dynamic is written is so unfair and so damaging to shane. what has he ever done except try? and they expect him to try. and then they’re like goddamn do you ever do anything but try? lighten up, weirdo. like… would you not just want to go ape shit?

but here’s the other thing that i think is interesting. shane is basically his mother’s employee. and he knows it and he hates it and he thinks their entire relationship hinges on how well he performs as an employee. their familial relationship is somewhat secondary to shane's public image & career. to clarify, i’m not saying shane’s parents don’t love him. i think they love him a lot. i think shane's mom is just as bad with feelings as he is, and this is how she shows him that she loves him. they have created a vicious cycle for themselves. because she shows him that the love is inextricably linked to his success, his image, his obedience, his conformity. if he loses his career, he loses his mother. if he loses his deal with rolex, he loses his mother. those things are not true, but the worst possible thing shane believes he can do is disappoint someone. he's terrified of it. quite literally petrified to paralysis of it. and their entire relationship is built on his success, both the existence of it and the ways they can continue to make it bigger. and yuna doesn't really realize this, because she thinks she's doing such a great job at showing shane how valued he is by investing so much time and energy into his success. and i do not doubt for a second that they love each other, i really don't. but i think shane was severely emotionally neglected. i think he was a quiet kid who excelled at a lot, and because of this, they considered him pretty self sufficient. i think they assumed he didn't need reassurance or excessive affection or anything like that. he was always able to handle himself. but he wasn't. he was internalizing everything. he was strapping it all down. i think shane thinks he is a machine. i think he thinks he is a vessel for all of his parents hopes & dreams, and if he fails, he ruins everything. he is no longer worthy of being their son because he couldn't live up to their expectations.

re: the emotional neglect, he did not develop those neuroses in a vacuum. he is the thing they made him. now obviously RR wants him to have become the way he is all by himself, despite his loving parents. but that is not the case. they're helicopter parents, absolutely. i think his father, while kind and clearly very proud of him, was not much better than yuna as far as making sure shane understood that he was still valuable as a person (and their child) without a million trophies and a calvin klein contract. i think they feel entitled to his time and his space. pressing on him so hard to go to london is a good example of this. and he folds, obviously, like they knew he would. in e6 when shane says "please text" his mom immediately says "why? we told you when we'll be there" and ilya says "no. please text" and then david says "don't worry we will" is like... i mean it's kind of nothing and it's kind of everything. shane lays down a soft boundary that his mom walks over because that's her son and they love each other and she doesn't need to worry about not being welcome. and then ilya and david are like omg for real... please text. and she gets it, obviously, but the boundary has to be reinforced by two other people who aren't shane before she accepts it. the bit where shane's crying and then his mom goes "okay enough, stop crying, we have other things to worry about" is also so... insane. i love that hudson has commented on this a few times too. every time i write shane meta i refer back to hudson. so terrific. but he said on andy cohen that shane was not satisfied with his coming out experience, because, "there's still a clinical nature to it. like, what about reebok? so it's not perfect open arms." and he refers to the end of e6 as "bittersweet" which i think is so fabulous.

in later episodes we see shane pushing back against this dynamic but it's in a soft, almost childish way. he gets annoyed, and uses a pretty unpleasant tone of voice with his parents when he feels he is not being heard. he’s used to not being listened to, and it exasperates him because he knows they won't listen, and they'll just end up talking him into doing whatever they want him to do anyway. “not during training”, the whole london argument, “no mom nobody knows”, “i’m always wearing skates”. like he is very childish at those moments because she makes him feel like a child. and sometimes he is happy to have this direction. "i don't know, my mom told me to bring wine", for example. but sometimes he is so worn out. "i didn't feel like being managed" is great it's thrown into another scene about something else but it's so... telling. to me.

re: coming out, i don't think shane was afraid of his parents being homophobic. but i think he is so so so obsessed with perfection that he couldn't imagine letting them down like that, because he knows that something like being gay could make or break his career. he's in a uniquely precarious position. and he engages in some behavior that i think, quite frankly, could be considered self harm/self destructive because of it. his pursuit of perfection is absolutely agonizing for him. but he thinks that is his only option. his only choice is to be the best, or to be nothing. and i will clarify again: i don't think his parents are "abusing" him or neglecting him on purpose. i think they just think that's he tough and a hard worker, and that he's fine with enduring such high expectations. they know he can reach their standards. and they think he's handling it really well. i DO think they notice that it gets harder for him to endure as he gets older—we see them trying, a little bit, to poke at him, trying to find out if he's hiding something, if he's happy, if he's doing okay. but they've always taken his stoicism at face value and it's hard for the three of them to break that cycle. because he has only ever offered them the version of himself that lives to make them happy. he doesn't let them see anything else, because he's afraid they won't like what they see. obviously they would not care but he does not allow himself to know that.

and again: none of this is ilya's fault. i think it's awesome that they love him. i think shane also loves that they love him. i think it's super. but i just think maybe we could, like, ease up on my buddy shane. like we could cut him a little slack. we could give him a break. i think what shane really needs, sometimes, is a hug from his mom. not a lecture from his manager. and i think they forget how to be family, somehow, and it's going to be difficult for them to reestablish a new framework for their relationship, so that shane is free to be himself and yuna is able to express her support and approval.

And Ilya abruptly realizes that Something Is Happening when the music starts and both Hollanders just. INHALE. The sound of wind. Achingly sweet piano. Shane clears his throat.

"THERE WERE NIGHTS WHEN THE WIND WAS SO COLD," Yuna and Shane all but yell.

They pull into the driveway of the Hollanders' house just as the song ends. Shane has those not-tears clinging to his eyelashes. Yuna's face is blotchy.

"Something happened on the way here," Ilya says when he stumbles into the kitchen to find David.

"Oh?" David holds a spatula aloft as his family flows into the room. "A moose again?"

"Celine Dion," Yuna says, voice still a little thick.

"Ah," David says. "I didn't realize it was a Celine Dion kind of day. I'll pull out more wine."

So Ilya forgets about it a little, because wine, and then it's 2021 and everyone in the world suddenly thinks they belong in Ilya's fucking bed and Shane is falling apart at the seams, just a little, and Ilya is thinking about all of it while the Hollanders are helping them drive back and forth between Ottawa and Montreal for the third time that week, moving cars and people and lives between two cities.

And he looks at Shane, who's beside him in the back seat this time, and Ilya leans forward between the two front seats and puts his head on Yuna's shoulder and says, "Celine Dion."

And Yuna puts the CD on and thinks about the precious cargo in the backseat, like she has every time she's heard this song for the last twenty years. Double the cargo now. Her two babies.