liwayway

hi tumblr! it’s nice to be here again~

actually almost every day i’m here to read fanfics haha. anyway, it’s been a long while, a long four years since i’ve last written here! a lot of things have changed obviously, if not all. having read my past entries, it may be all summarized into two words -- mentally ill haha. i clearly remember how it felt, how it hurt, how it was empty but very overwhelming. it was a phase i would never want to go back again.

i was diagnosed with depression three years ago, in 2020. i gathered up the courage to talk to a psychiatrist but once i diagnosed i kinda ghosted my doctor. i never talked to a psychiatrist again ever since, and i never planned to again, not until about a month ago.

to save you some time, yes, it did get better. everything went better for me. is this surprising? to me, it really is. one major concern that i was writing about four years ago was college. having been raised in a family full of UP graduates, i was expected to be one also, and four-year-ago me never believed i could. another was my parents. i couldn’t survive living with them -- i couldn’t survive them at all. next, well, my harasser haha. and another was just full of suicidal thoughts.

all lo and behold, i am in UP now. believe it or not, i’ve just actually submitted my thesis topic proposals to my thesis adviser a few hours ago. yes, thesis! i’m more than three years in with this college shit, with an unbelievably above bare minimum cumulative gpa. crazy, right? and i couldn’t even get a line of 8 in my math subject when i was in elementary. 

my parents are, well, better. but, you know.

let’s unpack what i’ve written before.

i want to take my time with my friends without worrying about their scolding afterwards. i want to study my readings without worrying about their satisfaction on my grades. i want to take a philosophy course. i want to be an activist. i want to write. i want to have a tattoo. i want to have a septum piercing. i want to wear black outfits.

all that i’ve (thankfully) experienced already. almost four times a week i get home late at midnight from hanging out with friends. everyday i study my readings without worrying about my grades. i’m able to attend rallies. i’m writing (now haha). i do have a tattoo already. i have a very sexy septum piercing. and there’s literally not a day i don’t wear black

except one. i’m not majoring in philosophy. and for the past three years i think about it everyday. but it’s not worth hyperfixating on that yeah?

i acknowledge that everything got better to me. this is a phase that i never ever imagined i’d be going through. i experienced maximum level of happiness at times. and i’m surrounded with people who make me want to keep going everyday. i’m given responsibilities i never expected i could handle, and i receive bigger and bigger blessings everyday.

it is worth noting, however, that i also acknowledge having the same mental illness(es), haha. is this something to be sad about? perhaps yes, but not all the time. these four years taught me that this is really sickness. being depressed is not something we could cover up with “time will heal”, as i thought it would. continuously i believed that i’m completely okay. because i was laughing everyday, because i had all the reasons to smile everyday, and because i wasn’t sad anymore -- i couldn’t understand why there were still days that i couldn’t get up, that i couldn’t sleep, that waking up and functioning for the day were the hardest, hardest part. for the past four years, it took me time to realize.

i think the hardest thing about this, is that i never planned on living this long. i’m scared of graduating because i never thought i would. i’m scared of having to maneuver my own career path because i never thought i would. i completely thought i would kill myself, and i was always so sure, now i don’t know what to do.

i have goals, finally. i do want to graduate. i do want to maneuver my own career path. i want to experience touching my first designer bag for the first time. i want to book monthly appointments to maintain a sexy eyelash extension. i want my own apartment some day.

but having to do that everyday, having to wake up and get up for the day. i don’t often see the light to go through the process. i don’t think i can explain this properly. i know this feeling all too well. for years, most days, this is exactly how i feel. at times i don’t, which i consider the lucky days, but how do i actually work on having lucky days every day?

i know the answer is therapy. and i hope i’ll get there soon.

will get back to you when i finally get a job, i guess.

thank you for keeping me alive,

behind a glass window

is a pot with a planted seed.

it faces the outside,

witnessing everything that passes by—

sunbeams, storms, snowflakes

people, birds, and pets.

everyday, i look at it from behind

relieved and proud of the red rose’s growth—

though i only watered it once,

someone else had to do it.

i didn’t need to be beside it

every single day to appreciate

every single night to talk to

every single midnight to cry with.

what only mattered to me was

seeing its beauty,

and witnessing its growth

even without my presence.

i’ve been asking, screaming for someone to help me. though i don’t know how, i don’t know if it’s possible. i don’t know what one could do to help me. i don’t know if anyone, at all, could help me. i feel like drowning in an eternal dark see that i can do nothing to escape. i’ve done everything and distracting myself isn’t an effective solution.

please, i want everything to stop. i want this to stop. i want my life to stop.

hi. i’m having a difficult time for the past 17 years. i hate myself for not having anyone to talk to, i mean, to let all these out. yes, i do have friends, i chat with them and i tell them how my day was (note that every negative shit that happens is concealed), but everything is just not okay. i’m writing this to try to vent out atleast this once. to let this all out of my chest. it’s ridiculous to wish that no one ever sees this, but yeah i still hope so lol

i don’t know what i did on my previous life to deserve this. i am very, very, very, very envious and jealous with everyone who has a great and understanding family. you all are very lucky and blessed. maybe i am a privileged bitch to wish this, but i wish i could have a new one. i am nothing like my mother nor my father. i do not like the things they do. they do not like the things i do. i want to take my time with my friends without worrying about their scolding afterwards. i want to study my readings without worrying about their satisfaction on my grades. i want to take a philosophy course. i want to be an activist. i want to write. i want to have a tattoo. i want to have a septum piercing. i want to wear black outfits. i want to take up entrance exams on other universities. i want to love a man. i want to laugh without context. i want this and i want that. i want to be myself. i want to do things. i want to live. but all of these— i just can’t. i can’t. i can’t. and it’s killing me. i want to. i’m all choked up now. please i wish they let me be. they let us be.

i may talk about how i hate my family so much, but i just can’t stress it enough. i can’t tell anyone how it damages me. i can’t describe, i can’t find the right words. and i do not want to be annoying all the time. i don’t want to talk about it sometimes.

tw self harm

i apologize if i also blab so much about how i hate myself. and guess what— i still do! i am still that insecure piece of shit. oh no, i don’t bring people down because of my insecurities. instead, i pull myself down. help, i can’t find a healthy coping mechanism that does not harm me. all i want to do is slice myself until i bleed to death. no joke, these days i’ve been really thinking of s/uicide but good lord what’s new with that. i’ve been planning s/uicide since 2015 and they don’t all come to plan. only reason is i believe in my God, and i want to be with Him in the afterlife forever. if i give up today, that won’t happen. lifetime is a really short time so all these should be tolerated because that infinity that my God has promised is going to be really fucking worth it.

i just want to explode, to hibernate, to really give up. i’m so confused in between things; i don’t want to talk to anyone but i want to, i don’t want to go to school but i have to, i don’t want to live but i need to. i don’t want to go on with my life, i need to pause everything, but i just can’t because life doesn’t work that way. i really want to give up. everything is killing me. crying doesn’t help anymore. everything is just so empty yet overwhelming. i want to scream, to explode, to -- i don’t even know. everything is killing me.

i really don’t know what to do to make everything less painful. i don’t even know if this is pain because i don’t know, i don’t know the word. all i know is i’m not okay and i want help, i think i need help, and no i don’t want to open up to anyone. if you’re reading this, i hope you don’t feel the same. you don’t deserve this, no one does.

if anyone knows how to deal with this shit hmu lol

nag-iisip. walang ibang ginagawa kung hindi mag-isip.

hello, universe! this is just going to be another kalat post - i have to vent this out, because i really don’t talk to anyone about any of my predicaments.

*ultimate sigh* 

life has been testing me a lot lately - i’ve been thinking of it this way, but it’s not just lately. i have been saying that way too often. i don’t know where this would lead to. when i was younger, i used to convince myself that after all these difficulties, better things will come. i was pretty much reassured with that thinking though, but right now it doesn’t anymore. apparently, it seems to be an unending cycle and there’s no bacon at each end. it’s extremely tiresome and i don’t know what to do anymore.

college entrance exams are near and you know what i would say - UP has always been my dream school, ever since i was in elementary. growing up in los baños, i’ve always pictured myself walking around the campus with my pastel pink hair as a student of UP. and now the admission test is in three months. i’m almost certain that it’s impossible for me to make it. i’m just still hoping. 

i’m also not having a very great time with my family (this has always been my issue ever since i was born). i don’t know when this anger would totally diminish though, time doesn’t help. as days pass by, it just keeps on building and building up. i don’t know how i will be able to get through this, but i pray for a miracle that i would.

..and many other else. i wish i could talk about anything to anyone. if only opening up weren’t as difficult as it really is. i just want to explode.

hello wow it’s been awhile!!!!

and i’m still ugly and useless and dumb wow!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, so much has happened and i’ve been meaning to open my tumblr. unfortunately ares (my phone) passed away four months ago, and now i’m struggling with an outdated apple ipad, which happens to be stuck at ios 9 and tumblr requires ios 10 to download. 

my phone dying aside, third term was shit and i got low grades, i’ve been very blue these days, i haven’t studied for cets, and i’m still a trash. SO YES ASIDE FROM ARES DYING, NOTHING MUCH HAS STILL CHANGED WOW.

i guess i wouldn’t have posted much also even though i had phone, my life is uneventful because of my ever supportive guardians (i hope you smell the sarcasm). 

i’ve also been deciding to stop writing because i’ve seen my works and it sucks. i mean there’s really nothing i’m good at right?

am i not a pessimistic bitch LOL. so it’s finally two weeks since my vacation started and i’ve just been dozing myself with movies and series. AND OH i finally finished watching all mcu movies in chronological order (except the incredible hulk). my love for tom holland is now revived as it took a nap two years ago, my love for tom hiddleston that just wakes up every thor movie, AND my brand new love for sebastian stan!!!!!!! YES

also i’m back to one direction fever. let’s all be honest, it never died. i just now realize harry has always been very beautiful but now he is adonis. not only he looks hot as fuck but his heart is one of a kind. i love how articulate he is, i love how he is extremely fucking kind to people, i love his husky voice, i love his curls, i love his dimples, i love is four nipples, i love his fashion, i love his rings, i love anne, i love him so much! i hope niall doesn’t get jealous though 

we also went to calaguas two months ago, boy it was breathtaking, literally a paradise and the food there was the bomb. apparently i was with boring people so i couldn’t say i enjoyed much. i got to finish communist manifesto there so it was okay. i didn’t have good photos, which was sad because it was a very nice place. what a lovely trip. 

also saw munimuni two months ago! it was quite unforgettable, and my whole day then was exhausting. we did a mural painting and my crush was hell of an artist so i participated. it was a pleasing experience, it was my first time to do that.

i went to plenty of rallies within four months. each one is unforgettable, and i sure will never regret immersing with the masses. it will always be my passion to scream what needs to be heard. i even spent my birthday at calamba. celebrating your birthday while fighting for the rights of our workers is definitely the best.

AND ALSO!!!!! it’s pride month AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! <3 <3