Epilogistical

Thank you! So I have somewhat unsuccessfully attempted not to be Really Negative about Homecoming, except on twitter where I’ve clearly given up altogether, but heads up: I’m about to be pretty negative because I care way too much about Peter Parker. My opinions are my own, etc. Right off the bat: I actually do think Spider-Man: Homecoming is going to be a fun summer movie. It’s probably well-written and engaging! It looks like a good movie about a teenage superhero coming into his own and I’m excited about the diverse cast. 

It also, in my own opinion, looks like a terrible movie about Peter Parker.

There was nothing wrong with the review (it was in USA Today) so much as that literally everything it described made me, a person who loves Peter Parker, cringe. Full disclaimer that I haven’t seen Homecoming yet and it’s plausible I might like it in the end! I won’t, but it’s plausible! So everything I’m talking about is based on interviews with the cast and creators/trailers and released scenes/etc. 

But I’ve got so much beef with this movie I practically own a cattle ranch. 

I’m just going to try to hit my main complaints: Ned Leeds, or, This Should Have Been a Miles Morales Movie, Peter as a New Yorker, Peter Parker vs Spider-Man: A Fake Argument, and Why We Actually Do Need To Know How Ben Died, Thanks. “Traincat, how much have you thought about this?” I don’t want to talk about it! Except I do, under the cut:

They forgot to put this scene after subtitles. Fixed it.

Steve, your decorating aesthetic is … something. 

I mean it’s early Steve. Obviously it’s neither of those.

But what if it were.

if there is a weird noise that sounds kinda like a fire, even if that wouldn’t really make any sense in context, put at least 25% effort into finding the source of the noise

just in case

it is

There’s 90s Spider-Man plot where a multimillion dollar bounty is placed on Spider-Man’s head. Peter, being Peter, does not do the sensible thing and lie low for a while – no, he keeps swinging around, sighing every time a civilian tries to capture him because he is now worth millions of sweet cash dollars. Mary Jane finally gets fed up with Peter promising he’s not going to swing around in spandex and then immediately swinging around in spandex and comes up with a solution: a new costumed identity. Except they go way too hard and end up with four. Four separate new secret identities. All at the same time. The Hornet, Dusk, Prodigy, and Ricochet’s thigh high boots.

I’ve been shipping Peter/Tony since like 2005. Why is it the thing that gets others onboard the one where Peter’s literally 15? What Monkey’s Paw did I wish on?

Maybe there will be aged-up fics.

I’m sort of very miffed at Sony on this one. I’m a live-and-let live for, like 99% of things out there, so as long as the people shipping this wee!Peter are tagging for it that’s fine, chase your rainbow. But dammit Sony, if you’d just come to your senses earlier we could have had it all. And I even think Garfield was good as an (older; older than he was even supposed to be) Peter, it’s just so much of the rest of those movies was, to put it delicately, crap. Soooooony. Sony my unhappiness right now is your fault.

We weren’t really having to stretch to make threesome cracks.