lana x

training banter, the kind that made alessia's cheeks ache from smiling. shared recovery sessions in the gym where you would rest your fingers lightly above alessia's knee while explaining something about muscle tension and alessia would try and pretend she didn't feel her pulse jump at the touch.

bus rides where seats were picked on instinct, without conversation and you would sit just close enough so that your thighs were touching the entire journey.

warm and steady. a presence alessia didn't realised she relied on until it was there every day.

it was all harmless. well at least that's what she told herself it was.

but then things changed in small, quiet increment.

you started staying later after training just to talk to her. alessia started making an extra mug of tea without asking who it was for.

one night after a good win at home, when alessia was too exhausted to exist and too wired to sleep, you drove the two of you to her home without either of you talking about it.

the two of you falling onto the sofa shoulders touching, legs eventually crossing over one another like the two of had done it a thousand time.

and then it became that, nights shared on each others couches. blankets shared and a stupid film neither of you watched. comfort so easy it felt dangerous

alessia would drift in and out of sleep with her head against your ribs, breathing in the warmth of you as you would rub slow circles between her shoulder blades, absent minded, like you didn't even know you were doing it.

sometimes there were kisses. but you never rushed. never were careless.

they were the kind that start when laughter fades. when a joke turns into a look and a look turns into a breath caught in one's another's orbit. your lips would brush alessia's, resting almost, and alessia would kiss you back like it was the most natural thing in the world.

soft at first, lingering then deeper, when hands slid into hair or fingers curled into shirt hems. terrifying, not in the intensity, but in how right it felt.

but the two of you never talk about it. not once.

the two of you never ask what are we doing?

never said ‘do you feel this too?’

because saying it aloud would make it real. and that, the world real. real was dangerous.

especially for alessia.

because alessia has never said out loud what she knows about herself. what she has known, quietly, privately, tucked-away, for longer than anyone would guess.

you understand that without having to be told. you never pushed. you let alessia come to you. let alessia set the pace. let alessia call the silence safety and for that alessia was grateful.

but there are moments, always late, always quiet, when the word sits heavy at the back of her throat.

mine.

not because alessia owned you. but because she wants to be worthy of you. the two of you live in the space between things.

not together but not apart. not named but deeply, undeniably felt.

a line you both walked every day, carefully, quietly and beautifully without ever looking down to see how far you both might fall.

the canteen was loud, the team was loud. the laughter was easy, effortless in the way that comes from familiarity and routine. forks clattering against plates, glasses touch as chairs scrape the wooden floor.

alessia was sat with beth, steph, kyra and taylor. beth recounting her weekend up in manchester visiting viv. as the three listen intently, asking questions about the trip. alessia was listening but her attention was slightly faulted to something or rather someone who was sat across the room.

beth was now halfway though telling a story with her whole body. "i'm tellin' you- katie's face when the cone just hit her? i thought she was gonna start fightin' it.."

steph who had already been laughing for a full thirty seconds already, wiped her eyes. "it-it was just the sound it made. like someone slapped a fish."

kyra nearly choked on her drink, "oh- not the fish slap- please.."

alessia laughs - really laughs and for a moment she forgets to be careful as on instinct she's looking across the room. your sat on another table, chin propped on your hand smiling softly like you'd been watching her the entire time.

you were sat with lotte and katie reid, your legs were crossed, posture a little straighter as your hair was tied loosely at the nape of your neck. strands slipping out in a way alessia always had to fight the urge to tuck back.

you were listening to lotte speak, nodding, but every so often your eyes would flick up, looking at the blonde girl across the room.

but one second too long. one beat too soft. two people paying attention would notice.

alessia snaps her gaze back to her drink, cheeks warming so she turns to focus on her plate. pushing pasta around with her fork. pretending the ache low in her chest is hunger.

beth leans back in her chair, studying alessia with that perceptive, nosy older-sister gaze women like beth mead are born with.

but all she says is, "you okay less? you're quiet, like extra quiet."

alessia forces a small smile before humming, "yeah, just tired."

beth nudges her foot under the table, "well rest up cause i've had a brilliant matchmaking idea."

kyra groans, her fork hitting the side of her plate, "beth no."

beth puts her hand on her heart, a false hurt glare going towards kyra. "hey! i'm so good at this."

taylor who had been silently observing the whole ordeal almost chokes on her slice of bread, "you could not be worse-"

beth just shrugs them off ignoring them all, "less, just listen-" and alessia just smiles cause she loves them but her stomach drops like she already knows she won't like where this is going to go.

"so you know," beth starts so casually, "we actually met this guy last week—works in media. decent looking. well, decent enough."

steph nods like she's giving a court ruling. "yeah. acceptable."

"oh! the one with the hair!" kyra perks up once again, as beth nods, "the one who kept calling the press room a 'content creation hub'?"

beth snaps her fingers. "yes! bingo! him. he's called darren!"

taylor sighs as she takes a sip of her water. "he is insufferable, but he was staring at lessi like she was an angel that descended to do crossbar challenges."

kyra grins at alessia. "which, to be fair, you kinda are."

alessia's laugh is thin this time, her mind racing as she wasn't sure what to say. "yeah, well..."

beth leans in, propping her chin in her hand. "you should go on a date with him."

alessia freezes, just for a second, but beth catches it. "come on," beth nudges, tone light. "what's the harm? you deserve some fun. and you look like you could use a distraction."

a distraction. god, if only they knew. alessia's heart beats too fast, she could feel her palms becoming clammy. "i don't- i'm not really looking for—"

"doesn't have to be serious," taylor adds gently as she's pushed her empty plate to the middle of the table . "just... something nice."

your now laughing at something or rather lotte across the room and alessia feels the sound like gravity.

kyra bumps her shoulder taking her out of her small trance. "it's just dinner. if it sucks you fake an emergency. i'll call you crying. i can do tears. oscar award level."

steph nods knowingly. "now that is true. she cried at a cat-food commercial last week."

kyra lifts a hand. "the cat was lonely, steph."

beth reaches over and squeezes alessia's arm not forceful, but warm. familar. coming from care, not pressure. "we just want you to be happy, less."

and that part is true. so painfully true which makes it worse. because alessia is happy. just in a way she hasn't had the courage to say out loud.

her throat tightens, but she forces the smile. the bright, convincing one.

"yeah," alessia hears herself say before she even had time to think. "maybe. i'll erm think about it." she rushes out afterwards.

kyra cheers a little as beth beams. steph claps as taylor looks smug.

across the canteen, your chair shifts and you don't look over this time. and alessia can feel the distance already forming even while your still in the same room.

the next day it happens slowly, intentionally. you still greet her in the morning. still laugh when someone makes a silly joke. still play hard, sharp and ruthless on the pitch.

but training ends in a blur of cold air and red cheeks, the kind of winter session that leaves everyone buzzing. players scatter back towards the building ready for an afternoon full of meetings, laughing, groaning and arguing about who fouled who.

you and alessia fell into step naturally, just like you always do.

you nudged her with your elbow, a soft grin curving your mouth. "you were hoarding the spotlight today."

alessia just scoffs, leaning slightly into you, "i scored twice."

"you stole my goal." you countered quickly, your boots starting to hit the gravel of the path, "right off my boot."

"shouldn't of hesitated," alessia fires back, but she's smiling. a real one, the kind she doesn't realise is on her face until you give her that look. the warm but teasing and a little too fond look.

you bump your shoulder against hers agin, "next time, i'm tripping you up."

"you already do," alessia says, and you laugh, low and delighted. it feels easy, comfortable and normal again.

you watch her for a moment eyes soft, curious like you can feel alessia's tension and that there’s something, you just couldn’t pinpoint it, simmering under the surface with each click of both of your boots against the gravel.

"your a little quiet today," you murmurs. "i'm fine," alessia lies, a little too quickly.

you raise a brow, unconvinced but gentle. "you don't have to tell me. just... don't disappear on me."

alessia's throat tightens. she opens her mouth maybe to promise something she's not brave enough to name.

but then: "LESS! LESS!"

beth comes crashing toward them like a golden retriever in human form. her ponytail bouncing, trainers dangling from their laces and absolutely no awareness of timing or subtlety.

alessia feels her blood turn to ice, instantly. you turn too, amused as always at beth's enthusiasm. "beth- you're gonna trip.."

"you're all set for friday, lessi!" beth announces tapping alessia on the shoulder. beaming wide as she slowed to match yours and alessia's speed. "i texted him back, told him you're excited. rooftop bar is booked!"

alessia goes rigid, stiff. you go completely still beside her hoping the small drop of your face was not that noticeable to some.

beth keeps going, totally oblivious. "told ya, i'd sort you out less. he's cute, single and he's- oh my god is steph seriously holding my coffee? no, no, no. she's gonna drink it. i can feel it—"

and just like she arrived, beth takes off bouncing towards steph, shouting something dramatic that had steph almost in stitches and leaving you and alessia in an echo of the truth.

you blinked once. twice. a tiny, stunned breath leaving your lips. not angry. not dramatic. just... quietly unraveling.

"oh," you say quietly, almost a squeak. "you have a date."

"y/n-" alessia steps forward instantly, panic clawing up her chest. "i swear, i didn't- beth just.. well she- i-"

"it's okay." you smiled, it wasn't okay. it wasn't a real smile. it was one you often used for cameras. for time when you needed to pretend everything was fine. as you felt as though everything inside had just shattered and your eyes were getting a little bit more foggier by the second.

alessia hated it.

"you don't owe me anything," you say, voice steady but too gentle. the kind of gentle that means you're trying not to break. "i'm glad um someone... makes you excited."

your eyes flick down, just once. it's barely visible. but alessia feels it like a punch. "y/n, that's not. please... just let me talk-"

your jaw tightens for half a second before you smooth it away. "it's fine, less. really."

you adjusts your boots in your hand, nodding once, polite. "have a good friday night.. i guess." then you turns and start walking quick, purposeful steps. like if you slow down, everything your holding together will spill out onto the pavement.

"y/n..." alessia calls, voice cracking. you doesn't stop. "y/n, please.. just wait—" but your already gone. and the space you leave behind is too big, too cold, and entirely alessia's fault.

you keep walking down the corridor, boot bag bumping against your hip, shoulders stiff in a way alessia has never seen on you before.

normally you would walk like you owned the hallway. loose, relaxed, half-turned toward alessia as if drawn by some quiet magnetic pull.

not now. now you walks like your choosing every step, like each one costs you something.

"y/n!" alessia tries again, louder, feet already moving. you don't turn. not even a pause and alessia can't breathe, can't think properly. can't do anything except follow.

alessia catches up halfway to the locker rooms, fingers brushing you arm on instinct. "y/n—please."

you stop. but you don't look at her. you can't. you just stand there, staring at the floor, jaw tight, throat working like your trying to swallow down words that won't stay down.

"can we.. can you just look at me?" alessia voice cracks as she's plying with the rings on her fingers as if they are going to give her the answer to solve all her problems.

and slowly, painfully, you lifts your eyes and it destroys you just that little bit more inside.

your eyes are soft in a way alessia has never seen in public. betrayed. confused. a little humiliated. and under all of it: hurt.

a deep type hurt.

"was any of it real?" you asks quietly.

alessia's breath stutters. "don't.. no, don't say that. of course it was."

you cut in, voice steady but thinning. "because you seemed very comfortable letting them think you're straight. comfortable enough to go on dates set up by your teammates while i.."

your voice breaks for half a second. it's the softest, smallest sound. alessia feels it like a punch to the ribs.

you recover quickly. too quickly. "while i'm stood next to you like an idiot-, thinking i... thinking we..." you shake your head, laughing once in disbelief, a bitter, quiet sound that doesn't suit you at all.

"i thought we were building something," you say. "i thought... god, i don't even know what i thought anymore."

"you were right," alessia blurts out quickly making your brow quirk upwards slightly. "we were. we are. y/n, please—just let me explain."

"explain what?" you whispers. "that you're ashamed of me?"

alessia flinches like she's been hit. "no. no—y/n, never. i'm just—" alessia's throat closes. "i'm scared."

you watch her, tired and wounded. "you're not the only one who's scared."

"then why are you walking away?"

"because you didn't choose me," you says softly. "not out there. not when it matters." a beat. a long, aching beat. "i can't keep being your almost," you finish.

you step back and alessia panics. fully. messily.

"y/n, please,, please don't do this. just give me a second to talk..."

"not now," you say, shaking your head. "i can't... less, i can't listen to you apologise for something you're just going to do again."

you turn before alessia has a chance to respond. this time when you walk away, you don't look back once. the sound of your footsteps echo down the hall: fading, fading, and then gone.

alessia stands there with her heart hammering, breath shaking, hands useless at her sides. and she knows this is more than likely the end and alessia has no idea how to stop it.

⸻

it had been a few days since the whole incident with the date and you still were hurting.

but you still greeted alessia with a small smile in the mornings. still laughed when someone made a silly joke. still looked over at alessia when you thought she wasn't paying attention.

nothing dramatic. nothing obvious.

but you didn’t sit next to alessia in a meeting anymore. you tape your ankles on the opposite side of the physio room. you moved a locker two rows down where alessia can't accidentally brush her arm against yours anymore.

your replies shrink. short messages. then half replies. then silence.

alessia feels every inch of distance like a bruise she keeps pressing.

it's her fault. she knows that. her chest has been tight for days like she swallowed something sharp and never got it back out.

the worst part is how normal everything looks from the outside. how no one else notices a thing.

alessia had spent the entire day trying to think of some sort of excuse as to why she couldn't go on the date with.. danny? or was it devon? well, what ever his name was alessia wasn't interested.

but every excuse alessia thought of she knew beth would just laugh at and give her a pep talk as she's walking alessia out the door.

alessia was still deep in thought when she hears the knock before she sees the message.

just one sharp rap on the door. too decisive to be beth, too controlled to be kyra, too early for any food delivery she forgot she ordered.

for a second, she actually thinks about not answering. she'd been curled on her sofa for an hour, pacing between panic and denial about the date she doesn't even want.

but then something in her chest flickers. alessia knows that knock. alessia knows that calm. she opens the door.

your stood there, hands deep in the pockets of your coat, hair damp from the rain, shoulders tense like you'd had to force yourself up the steps.

alessia's breath leaves her. "y/n?" you don't smile. not even the polite one you'd been giving her all week.

"can i come in?" you ask softly.

alessia steps aside instantly. "yeah. of course. yeah."

you walk in slowly, eyes scanning the room like your trying to memorise it or avoid it, alessia can't tell exactly which.

you don't sit. alessia's stomach tightens,, again. "is everything..."

"we need to talk," you say, the words are too steady. rehearsed. final. alessia's throat closes.

you exhale, carefully hanging your coat on the back of a chair despite your hands trembling. "i didn't want to do this at training. or in the car park. or anywhere someone could see."

your voice strains just slightly on the word see. alessia swallows hard. "y/n, please don't—"

"no, i have to." you cut her off gently. not harsh. but in that way that means you'll fall apart if you don't get it out quickly.

alessia steps closer anyway. "can we just... talk about what happened? beth didn't mean anything by it and i.. i didn't agree to the date, i panicked.."

you laughed under your breath, but the sound breaks halfway through. "i know. i know you panicked. i know you didn't ask her to set you up."

you finally look at alessia and she is just wishing you hadn't. because your eyes are full, hurt and tired and something like goodbye.

"lessi," you say, voice softening painfully. "it's the panic that scares me."

alessia's chest caves in quicker than a mountain can fall. "y/ n—"

"you looked terrified," you whisper. "like being associated with me would burn your whole life down."

"no, that's not true."

"then why won't you let anyone know what we- what this is?" your voice cracks on this, and alessia steps towards you, desperate.

"cause i'm scared," alessia says, hands shaking. "not of you..never of you. just of everything else, of everyone else, of saying it out loud before i can breathe through it—"

you shake your head, smiling sadly. "i get it. i do. i shouldn't have expected you to be ready."

"y/n, i'm trying—"

"i can see that," you say. "but i can't keep waiting in the dark like some dirty little secret while you pretend nothing's happening in the light."

the words land like a punch. alessia actually staggers, the wall behind her catching her lightly.

you look down at your hands. "i came here to say we should stop."

"stop?" alessia whispers.

"whatever we're doing- this. the... late nights. the touching. the almosts." your voice shakes. "it's killing me, less. it's actually killing me."

alessia steps forward again until your both almost touching. "y/n, please. don't do this."

you squeeze your eyes shut. "i can't be your secret anymore."

"you're not—" alessia starts, but the lie dies in her mouth.

you opens your eyes and they're wet. "that date tonight?" you say. "maybe you should go. maybe you'll like him."

"i don't want him," alessia says instantly, fiercely, louder than she meant to. you look heartbroken at that. because it's the truth you've needed and the truth that hurts the most.

"then what do you want, alessia?" you whispers. alessia tries to speak. but the words choke. every fear, every what-if, every love she's never been brave enough to name.

you nod like you expected it. like the silence was the answer all along. "yep," you say softly. "that's what i thought." you turns toward the door. and something in alessia snaps.

she grabs your wrist. "don't go. please."

your breath catches, barely audible, but she doesn't turn back.

"y/n," alessia pleads, voice shaking. "i'm not choosing him. i never was. i—"

"what?" you whisper, finally looking over your shoulder. "say it."

but alessia still can't say the word. your face crumples — the smallest, softest crumble and you gently pull your hand free.

"i can't do this anymore," you say, voice breaking. "i can't keep loving you in places you refuse to exist."

you open the door. the cold night air rushes in. alessia panics. again. not thinking, not planning. just moving.

she steps forward, grabs your jacket, and pulls you back inside, closing the door with her foot as her mouth finds yours in a desperate, crashing kiss.

you gasps against her lips. shock melting into want, want melting into the familiar ache between the two of you.

your hands tangle in alessia's hair, pulling her closer, kissing her back like you'd been starving for weeks.

alessia whispers into your mouth, breathless, frantic, "don't leave. please don't leave me."

you pressed your forehead to hers, eyes closed. "lessi..."

but the two of you are still kissing, deep, messy, heartbroken kisses, when the front door swings open behind them and someone yells:

"lessi lessi! we brought outfits for—"

beth.

steph.

taylor.

kyra.

all frozen in the doorway. all 100% staring with their jaws on the floor. you and alessia break apart slowly still half pressed together as the silence explodes into the room.

beth's jaw drops. "WAIT WHAT—WHAT—WHAT—"

steph covers her mouth. kyra blinks like her brain has blue-screened. taylor whispers, "holy shit."

you goes bright red. alessia wants the ground to swallow her whole. but her hand is still gripping your shirt and you... you don't pull away.

the awkwardness and silence doesn’t last long as beth is the first to recover, because of course she is. her eyes flick between the two of you. your hands still tangled in each others clothes as alessia’s forehead rests against yours like she had forgotten the rest of the world exists.

“oh,” beth says faintly. then louder, “OH.”

steph clears her throat, very deliberately looking at the ceiling. “right. okay. so. we’re… early.”

taylor is already backing toward the door, palms up. “we can leave. we should leave. this feels like a leave situation.”

kyra nods rapidly. “yep. definitely leaving. immediately. no questions. none at all.” as her hands come up to cover her eyes as she turns almost walking into the wall behind in doing so.

beth looks torn. curiosity warring with common sense before steph physically steers her back by the shoulders.

“we’ll,” steph says, pausing at the doorway, eyes soft despite the shock, “uh… text.”

the door shuts behind them in a flurry of muffled voices and frantic whispers. and then it’s quiet again.

real quiet.

alessia exhales, a shaky laugh slipping out of her as she drops her forehead properly against your shoulder. “i think,” she murmurs, voice small and overwhelmed, “my life just imploded.”

you don’t answer with words.

you answer by tightening your arms around her, grounding her, holding her like she’s something precious and fragile and entirely yours. she melts into you instantly, like she’s been waiting for permission to stop holding herself together.

her fingers curl into the back of your shirt. “don’t go,” she whispers, barely audible.

“i’m not going anywhere” you say, just as quietly.

she pulls back just enough to look at you really look at you, eyes glossy, lashes clumped with emotion, mouth still swollen from kissing you like she was afraid you’d disappear if she stopped.

and then she leans in again. this time it’s slower. softer.

like she’s learning the shape of this moment, committing it to memory. your noses brush. her hand comes up to cup your jaw, thumb warm against your cheek, and the kiss she presses to your mouth is gentle but certain.

no fear in it. no hiding. just choice.

she sighs into you, relief and affection and something that feels an awful lot like coming home, and you stay there wrapped around each other in the middle of her living room stealing quiet kisses, foreheads touching, breathing each other in.

slow dance, however, if it seemed and looked easy it was clearly designed for each person to have every ounce of coordination which alessia had deemed she didn't not possess.

"and left foot forward," the instructor said patiently, doing the moves in front of a wall filled with mirrors.

alessia moved her foot, "your other left foot, babe." you burst into giggles, clutching your fiancé's arm before the instructor could even finish the sentence.

"i hate this," alessia groaned into your shoulder as you tried to regain your composure as the instructor smiled sympathetically through the mirror.

"you love me, though," you replied, still laughing as a alessia glared at you clearly not finding it as amusing as you were.

"questionable at the moment." she mumbled letting go of your arms and asking the instructor if you could go from the top again.

that had been two weeks ago, since that alessia had stepped on your toes no less than seventeen times. you had counted, not because you were annoyed mostly because the increasingly horrified expression in alessia's face each time was impossible not to notice.

the wedding planning itself was now going surprisingly smoothly and wasn't causing you a headache each time someone mentioned it.

the venue was booked, the flowers were finally chosen. the seating chart had only caused one minor disagreement involving alessia's dad, mario who had requested he be placed out of direct line of cameras.

but the first dance had become alessia's personal nightmare, not because she didn't want to do it - just she didn't exactly have the best rhythm and that and the fact she was known as one of the clumsiest people you knew.

—

after training on friday, you were sitting in the players' lounge with leah, absently peeling the label off a water bottle.

the two of you talking about the wedding plans, well more leah was asking how it was going with everything and you’d fell on the topic of dances - leah trying to get out of you what song you were dancing to.

"you look concerned," leah observed, as she rested her leg against the beanbag.

"i'm concerned about my toes." you joked having already hinted at the fact alessia wasn't the best at picking up dancing.

leah snorted. "still?"

"less nearly took out three of them on wednesday." you shook your head fondly. "she gets so stressed about it. i keep telling her i don't care, but every time she does it she looks like she's accidentally committed a felony."

"that sounds about right." leah hummed as you continued.

"honestly, i think she's convinced she's ruining the wedding by being bad at dancing." you said, finally managing to peel the label off the water bottle.

leah laughed. "the woman scored in a euro final. i'm sure she'll survive a slow dance."

you smiled, but your voice softened. "i just wish she'd stop worrying so much. i'd dance badly with her every day for the rest of my life if it meant she'd relax a little."

leah opened her mouth to reply when she spotted someone approaching behind you, her lips turning into a small smirk "speaking of the bride..."

you turned, alessia was standing a few feet away, gym bag slung over one shoulder. "hey," alessia said, a little too quickly.

"hey, babe," you replied. "you ready to go?"

"yeah, just needed to grab my jacket." alessia's smile was perfectly normal, maybe a little tight around the edges.

leah's eyes flicked between the two of you, you had no idea how much alessia had heard.

—

the next dance lesson was on wednesday, from the moment they arrived, you could tell something was off. alessia had been quieter than usual on the drive over and now you were here she was avoiding eye contact with the instructor.

when you reached for her hand, she squeezed it briefly but didn't smile. "everything okay?" you asked.

"fine." that one word set off every alarm bell in your head. but still, the lesson began.

"and... step, together, turn..."

alessia was concentrating so hard that a tiny line appeared between her eyebrows. for thirty glorious seconds, she managed perfectly. then you felt it.

crush. right on your toes.

alessia just froze. "i'm sorry," she blurted immediately, her hand coming up to cover her mouth, her cheeks turning slightly red in embarrassment.

"it's okay," you said automatically, trying your best to hide your wincing.

"no, it's not. i keep doing it." alessia rambled out her mouth still slightly covering her mouth.

"less—" you tried but she just cut you off, looking over towards the instructor who bless them had the patience of a saint.

"can we just start again?"

the instructor nodded gently. you both reset. forward. side. turn. crush. this time alessia jerked back as though she'd been burned. "i- i can't do this."

"hey, breathe," you said, reaching out to grab her hands but alessia was already stepping away, cheeks flushed bright red.

"i- um, i need a minute." alessia rushed out and before either of you could stop her, she had already pushed through the studio door and disappeared into the hallway.

the sound of the door creaking back closed brought you back to reality as you looked across at the instructor who was looking around feeling quite obviously awkward.

you held your hand up for a moment, "can you just give me a moment" the instructor nodding and giving a polite smile.

you rushed out the room looking around before wandering down the hallway before finding her sitting down on the stairs, elbows on her knees staring down at the floor.

the air was cool and alessia looked anything but. "what's up?" you said softly, sitting yourself down next to her on the cold steps.

"sorry." alessia mumbled completely dismissing your question.

you put an arm around her shoulder, giving her the option to move closer to you if she wanted. "talk to me." but alessia shook her head.

"less."

silence stretched between the two of you and then, very quietly, alessia said, "i heard you talking to leah." you just blinked.

"on friday." alessia swallowed. "i only caught the end, but you were complaining about me stepping on your toes."

realisation hit you all at once. "oh my god." you turned fully toward her, pulling her slightly closer to you. "you think i'm upset about that?"

alessia shrugged, refusing to meet your eyes. "you said you were concerned about your toes."

you stared at her for a second before letting out a disbelieving laugh. "baby, i was joking."

"it didn't sound like a joke."

"i was telling leah that you're stressed, not that i'm annoyed." you reached for her hand. "i literally told her i'd dance badly with you every day for the rest of my life if it meant you'd stop worrying."

alessia's head snapped up. "you did?"

"yes." you squeezed her fingers. "less, i don’t care about my toes."

"i've stood on them nineteen times."

"twenty-one, actually."

alessia groaned and buried her face in her hands. you laughed softly. "see? this is exactly what i mean. you're treating it like a disaster."

"because i'm ruining our first dance." alessia groaned, as you sighed slightly.

"no, you're learning." you shook your head.

"very badly."

"still learning."

you gently pulled alessia's hands away from her face. "listen to me. on our wedding day, nobody is going to remember whether you stepped on my toes during practice."

"no, but i will."

"then i'll remind you that the reason we're dancing is because we're getting married." you smiled softly as you watched as alessia's shoulder start to relax a little.

alessia's expression finally cracked into the smallest smile. "you're annoyingly sensible."

"one of us has to be." you teased which earned a proper laugh.

you brushed her thumb across alessia's knuckles. "do you know what i'll actually remember from our first dance?" alessia shook her head. "that i get to be your wife."

the tension drained from alessia's shoulders so suddenly that you could almost see it happen. "even if i accidentally break your foot beforehand?"

"even then."

"what if i do it during the wedding?" alessia asked as if that was going to change your mind about marrying the girl you were head over heels for.

"then i'll limp happily into the rest of our lives." alessia laughed again, softer this time, and leaned forward until her forehead rested against yours.

"i really thought you were frustrated with me."

"never." you kissed her lightly. "and for the record, you've already improved."

"that sounds suspiciously like a lie." alessia narrowed her eyes at you not completely convinced by your tone as you shrugged lightly.

"fine call it motivational exaggeration." you said as that drew a laugh from both of you.

"better."

when you both returned to the studio, the instructor looked up expectantly. "ready to continue?"

alessia glanced at you. you offering her hand. "one more try?" alessia took it as she echoed with a small smile "one more try."

you both stepped into position. the small steps as before. forward. side. turn. no crushed toes. alessia's eyes widened. "did i just do it?"

"you did." you smiled proudly as you pressed a quick kiss to the side of her head.

two steps later, she stepped on your foot again as you winced dramatically. alessia gasped then you started laughing and after a beat, alessia laughed too.

"i’m in the kitchen, tesoro" mario called back.

you dropped your school bag in the hallway and followed the sound of rustling paper. the moment you stepped into the kitchen, you stopped dead.

the table had disappeared beneath a sea of memories.

photo albums were stacked in uneven towers. england caps sat beside old arsenal shirts. medals glinted under the overhead lights.

a pair of pink worn football boots rested carefully on a towel as though they belonged in a museum. the kitchen counter was lined with framed photographs, ticket stubs, accreditation passes, and newspaper clippings.

"woah." you gasped as you slowly walked into the room. “what are you doing nonno?”

granted you'd seen some of this stuff growing up but most of it was just passing memories and some were new and things you'd never seen.

mario looked up from a cardboard box, glasses perched low on his nose with a warm smile. "your mum needs some of this for that 'legends of the game' thing she's doing. apparently they've asked for stuff from childhood to retirement."

you walked slowly toward the table, eyes wide. "this is all mum's?"

"every bit of it." mario said looked back down at a newspaper article which no doubt had your mums name in big block writing and you could tell just from that, that your nonno wasn't just 'sorting though' it all, he was reminiscing on the past.

you picked up the nearest photo album. on the front, written in carol's neat handwriting, were the words alessia: 0–5 years. inside was a chubby-cheeked baby wrapped in a pink blanket.

"that's mum?" you laughed, holding the album up and pointing to the photo.

"believe it or not." mario chuckled as you looked at the photo, turning the page to see a one with her brothers, gio and luca - the two looking nothing like they did now but still with the same cheeky smiles.

"she looks nothing like she does now." your brows furrowed as you took in the photos which your mum has failed to ever show you except maybe from the odd one.

"she had more cheeks than face back then," mario said solemnly as he showed you a few more, which alessia definitely wouldn't thank him for showing you.

you snorted. "i'm telling her you said that."

"i survived raising her. i'll survive that." your nonno shrugged off casually as you grinned and carried on turning the page.

more photos followed: toddler alessia kicking a ball in the garden alongside her brothers; alessia missing her front teeth with a cheesy grin; alessia covered in mud after a junior tournament but still donning a sweet smile.

"mum was always this obsessed with football?" you asked as you clocked that almost every photo of not all of them has some sort of football in it.

"always," mario said. "sometimes i think she learned to kick before she learned to talk."

you giggled then reached for another album and froze as you flipped the page. "no way."

a teenage alessia stood in an england youth camp photo beside an equally young ella toone. both of them had awkward ponytails and oversized tracksuits.

"mum looks completely different!"

mario leaned over to have a peek at which photo you were looking at. "that was one of her first england youth camps."

"and auntie ella looks about twelve." you giggled to yourself, taking in the photos which to you looked so strange seeing them so small, you of course only knowing the older versions.

"they would have been maybe that, maybe 13. but they thought they were very grown up." mario smiled remembering the moment almost as if it were yesterday.

you laughed so hard you nearly knocked over a stack of programmes. "i'm showing mum and auntie ella this!"

"i don't think they'll thank you for it."

you kept flipping through the photographs, each one revealing another version of your mother you'd never known. young england player. unc player and young academy star.

then your eyes landed on a photograph that made you pause.

alessia and leah stood side by side outside a stadium. they were younger, both in tracksuits, both laughing at something out of frame.

"wait," you said. "they're not together here, are they?"

mario shook his head. "no. that was years before."

"seriously?" you asked, the closeness of the two of them looked more than friendly but maybe that's because all you remember is the two being more than friends.

"yeah, they were just friends then." mario confirmed looking at the date in the corner as he folded an old shirt to put to one side.

you stared at the picture again, "that's weird."

"why?"

"because it looks like they're already looking at each other like they're together." you said simply as you shrugged.

mario's smile softened. "maybe a little, your mum's always been a bit oblivious when it comes to things like that"

you studied the photo for another second before carefully setting it aside. next came the medals. "can i hold one?" you asked.

"carefully." mario said seriously as he placed a champions league medal in her palm.

it was heavier than you expected or remembered, "is the one from lisbon?"

"the very one, you were a little terror after that getting everyone to call you champion for months afterwards" mario chuckled as you groaned in slight embarrassment at your younger self.

"mum still talks about that match." you said quietly looking at all the dints in the medal, remembering parts of the day but not much.

"she cried afterwards," mario said, as your brow raised in surprise, you don't think your mum let you see that side of her on the pitch. "your mother cried quite a lot over football, actually."

"i thought she was all composed and professional." you quoted, the words of wisdom your mum would give you before big games so you didn't do anything silly.

mario burst out laughing. "oh absolutely not, showed she cared though"

he reached for another item: an old arsenal shirt with grass stains that had never fully come out. "this one was from a derby match," he said. "she came home with a split lip and insisted she was fine."

"was she?" you asked, not remembering the moment.

"no. but she didn't want anyone to know." mario retold the story, adding a date and time to the story as you nodded along, intrigued at your mum's past.

you traced the faded badge with your fingertips, a badge you'd worn well over a 100 times. "its strange," you admitted quietly.

"what is?"

"at school everyone talks about her like she's this... legend. like she's a statue or something." mario nodded along as you spoke "but all these photos..." you gestured to the table. "she looks normal."

"that's because she was," he said gently. "she was a little girl who loved football, then a teenager who worked very hard, then a woman who happened to become very good at what she did."

you looked down at a picture of a young alessia holding a newborn baby wrapped in a pink blanket. you. "sure she was and still is a world class legend but to me she's always been mum"

mario smiled. "yes. the day you arrived she always said that being your mum beat anything that a footballer could win" you felt your cheeks warm at your nonno's words.

you picked up the photograph carefully. alessia looked exhausted, hair a mess, eyes puffy, but she was staring down at baby you with an expression so full of wonder that it almost made your chest ache. "i've never seen this one before."

"your mum kept it in a separate box," mario said. "said it was her favourite picture."

"what's in that album?" you asked, pointing to a one which unlike the other albums didn't have carol's neat handwriting on the front.

mario's expression softened a little as he reached for the smaller book tucked beneath the pile. "this one's different," he said. "it's filled with baby photos. of you and your mum."

you sat up straighter immediately. "let me see."

mario handed it over. the first page held a picture of alessia, barely in her twenties, sitting on the sofa with a tiny you asleep against her chest. alessia looked exhausted, her hair tied in a messy bun, but she was smiling down at the baby like nothing else in the world existed.

your laughter disappeared for a second. "mum looks so young."

"she was," mario said quietly as he nodded. "you were only a few months old there."

you turned the page, again. another photo showed you maybe one and a half in a ridiculously oversized manchester united shirt, standing beside alessia's boots with one hand gripping her mum's leg.

"why was i wearing a shirt that big?" you giggled looking at it, you didn't remember much from if anything from your mum's days at united but from what you hear from her and auntie ella they sounded pretty fun.

"because you refused to take it off," mario said. "your mum tried three different outfits that day." you snorted, that sounded like you.

the next photo made her burst out laughing. little you sitting in a laundry basket wearing one of alessia's england socks like a hat while alessia crouched beside her, clearly trying and failing to look stern.

"nonno!" you wheezed. "why am i wearing mum’s sock?"

mario adjusted his glasses, already laughing. "because your mother left the room for thirty seconds and came back to find you like that."

"and she took a photo instead of stopping me?"

"that..," mario said proudly, "is when we knew you were definitely a russo."

you kept laughing as you turned another page, but this time you lingered on the picture a little longer, looking at the younger version of her mum beside the tiny version of herself. "she really kept all of these?"

"every single one," mario said. "your mother pretends she's organised. in reality she's just very sentimental."

you smiled at the photo before carefully turning the page again. "don't tell her i said this," you murmured, "but i think this one's my favourite."

by the time carol arrived home, she found the kitchen exactly as she'd left it except now you were surrounded by photo albums, clutching an old england cap while mario told an exaggerated story about alessia nearly missing a youth-team bus because she'd stopped to buy snacks.

"i leave you two alone for an hour and you've turned my table into a museum," carol said, a warm smile appearing as she placed shopping bags on what space she could find on the kitchen counter.

"but a very educational museum," you replied, head spinning back to look at the photo album.

carol smiled at the sight of her granddaughter surrounded by albums. "finding out your mother wasn't born famous?"

you looked around the room: the baby photos, the awkward teenage camps, the england caps, the arsenal shirts, the medals, the picture of her parents before they were together, the hospital photo from the day you were born.

"yeah," you said softly. "i think i'm finding out she had a whole life before i was old enough to remember it."

“and now” mario said as he closed one of the albums and slid it gently toward you, "you're a huge part of the story too."

you looked down at the final page. a recent family photo, from a tournament you played in and won player of the tournament. alessia and leah standing behind you pulling funny faces, both laughing as you rolled your eyes at the camera.

you smiled, the medals and trophies suddenly felt a little less important because spread across the kitchen table wasn't just the career of a football legend.

"ok." was the most response your mummy got this morning as you stirred a little more, leah lying across from you scrolling aimlessly through her phone.

"and don't give mama a hard time." alessia added on the end her expression a bit more firm even though you didn't see it you could hear it

you moved to sit up slightly as you shot your mummy an offended look. "i never do. i mama's angel!"

leah had laughed so hard she'd nearly spilled her coffee on the white sheets of the bed, before muttering, "my angel devil"

several hours later and leah would come to regret not checking the wardrobe before casually mentioning the england shirt.

she's been so confident, too confident of everything going smoothly.

alessia had laid everything out before leaving for matchday. your tiny england shirt. navy shorts. white frilly socks. even your favourite little trainers sat neatly by the bedroom door.

simple and easy. there was absolutely no reason this should become difficult.

"angel," leah called from the bottom of the stairs as she slipped her own jacket on, having been ready for ages now. "are you nearly ready?"

"nearly!" you callled back your voice travelling down the stairs.

leah smiled to herself. "good girl!" she checked the time on her phone, you both were running perfectly on time.

five minutes passed and leah packed snacks into your little backpack, knowing majority would more than likely be gone before you even made it to wembley.

another five minutes disappeared. still no small footsteps. still no excited five-year-old charging down the stairs announcing that you were ready.

leah frowned as she placed her keys back on the table that was next to the door, "angel?"

"still getting dressed!" you called back, sounding hurried.

"...how are you still getting dressed?" leah called back but you probably hadn't heard her as there was no response just the unmistakable sound of wardrobe doors opening and closing and drawers sliding

something falling onto the floor and a tiny voice saying, "oops."

leah laughed quietly to herself but that should've been her warning.

she climbed the stairs, already rehearsing a gentle reminder that they needed to leave soon. "angel?" she knocked lightly before pushing open the bedroom door.

"...absolutely not." leah gasps as she stood mouth wide open at the door

you stood proudly in front of the full-length mirror, one hand on your hip, the other smoothing down the front of your shirt with enormous satisfaction.

not the england shirt alessia had carefully folded onto your bed. not even one of your many arsenal tops.

instead... you were wearing a tiny barcelona shirt that reached just below your shorts. the blue and garnet stripes looked almost comically bright against the rest of the room.

leah slowly walked around until she could see the back, her shoulders dropped.

across it, in bold white letters... ALEXIA.. 11

you spun around with the biggest grin imaginable. "i look pretty."

leah pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to think of a way that was going to slowly let you down, "angel..."

"what?" you glanced at your mama through the mirror, slightly confused you were ready so why weren't you leaving yet?

"...you do look pretty." leah began, her bottom lip being bit by her top lip at she tried desperately to find the words,  "you also look.... very spanish-"

you giggled, the type that would make anyone melt, you definitely not understanding what leah was getting at, " i match alexia!"

"...you certainly do." leah sighed as you twirled twirled once in front of the mirror before holding your arms out dramatically.

"so we're ready!"

"no." leah said quickly as you stopped still.

you blinked, confused. "...no?"

"no." leah echoed as she walked over to the bed and picked up the untouched england shirt. it still had the tiny fold lines from where alessia had laid it out that morning.

leah held it up. "what happened to this one?"

you shrugged with complete innocence. "i changed my mind."

"i can see that." leah said as the england top stayed in her hands, there was no ways she could let you watch england in a barcelona shirt.. "we're watching england."

"i know."

"so..."

"so." you shrugged, you didn't get what the problem was, mama had asked you to get ready so you did.

"...why are you dressed like barcelona?" leah asked as maybe there was a compromise the two of you could make and you would wear the england shirt to the england game.

"'cause alexia plays there." you smiled, pointing to the shirt you were wearing as leah nodded, "and she's my favourite."

"i know she is."

"so..." you looked at her as though that explained absolutely everything which, in your mind, it did.

leah stared back as the silence stretched. eventually leah crouched so you both were at eye level. "sweetheart..."

"yeah?" you smiled at leah.

"you can wear this another day." leah tried slowly it hurting slightly that she was going to have to hurt your feelings slightly.

"but i want it today." you frowned, as your brow furrowed.

"but england are playing spain" leah tried again to explain, as you nodded along "alexia plays for spain... so don't you think.."

leah paused, mentally trying to solve a puzzle that had currently had no solution. "...maybe today we wear england?"

"i am supporting england." you told leah as she blinked losing your point of argument straight away.

"...you're wearing spain's captain on your back." leah pointed to your barcelona shirt.

"it's barcelona."

"i know it's barcelona."

"so not spain." you quipped back with a smile as leah was stunned slightly by your quickness.

leah opened her mouth then closed it again. technically... "that is not the point."

"but mummy knows i love alexia." you pouted, as leah held you closer rubbing a hand up and down your back as she hummed.

"she love alexia too..." you continued your ramble, as leah's face turned a little, "and alexia is mummy's friend"

"...they are?" leah asked more thinking aloud, not being totally in the loop on that apparent friendship.

"so it's nice." you finished your ramble as you looked a leah with a small smile, as she rubbed a hand over her face.

somehow every answer only made the conversation harder, "you're making this incredibly difficult for someone who's only five." leah mumbled as she looked back at you.

"i'm nearly six."

"that doesn't help."

you folded your tiny arms, deciding you weren't taking the shirt off. "i'm wearing this one."

"no.”

twenty minutes later, the england shirt had been offered and rejected. an arsenal shirt had been suggested as a compromise and again rejected.

even a plain white t-shirt had somehow been dismissed because... "it doesn't have football on it."

leah was rapidly running out of ideas.

"angel."

"no."

"angel."

"no."

"you have approximately three minutes before we absolutely have to leave." leah spoke seriously looking at the time on her phone before sliding it back in her pocket.

"i'm ready." you said with a hint of sass as you stood hand on the stair railing coming down the stairs painfully slow.

"in the wrong shirt." leah mumbled turning to grab her keys as you heard her, "in the right shirt."

leah turned back to you as you managed to come down a stair, "what if mummy feels sad?"

your eyes widened as you pressed both hands dramatically to your cheeks taking a seat on the stairs, "mummy would never be sad."

"she might." leah raised an eyebrow, this was her last gamble.

"no." you huffed.

"she could think you aren't cheering for england."

you frowned, really frowned and for a whole five seconds leah thought she'd finally won.

then your little face lit up. "i'll cheer really loud."

"...in a spain shirt."

"a barcelona shirt."

"that's... somehow worse."

"i'll shout..." you took the deepest breath you could manage. "COME ON MUMMY!"

the shout echoed around the hallway so loudly it probably reached the neighbours that leah actually flinched.

leah rubbed a hand over her face before looking back at you who was standing in front of her with all the determination of someone three times her size.

"...thank you for the demonstration," leah said dryly.

you folded your arms across your little barcelona shirt and lifted your chin triumphantly. "see?" you declared. "i told you i can shout really loud."

"i heard you," leah replied, trying not to laugh despite herself.

"so mummy will hear me too." there was absolutely no flaw in your logic, at least not in your own mind.

leah pinched the bridge of her nose. the two of you had been having the same conversation for the better part of half an hour.

england shirt? "no."

arsenal shirt. "no."

anything that didn't have alexia putellas' name on the back was apparently a "definite no." in your eyes

every suggestion had been met with the exact same answer, so with no ideas left...

leah reached for her phone. if anyone was going to convince you...it would be alessia. leah opened their messages and quickly typed.

le | we have a situation.

the typing bubble appeared almost instantly.

less | ??

leah glanced over at you, who immediately posed the second you realised a photo was being taken.

you planted your feet proudly on the third step up from the bottom, backpack already on. barcelona shirt neatly tucked into your shorts. alexia's name stretched proudly across the back.

then, just to make absolutely sure alessia understood how pleased you were with yourself. you gave the camera two enthusiastic thumbs up and the biggest grin imaginable.

leah sighed dramatically before sending the photo. three little dots appeared almost immediately. another message popped up.

less | 😂😂😂

a second later...

less | that's the one gio bought her

leah slowly lowered her phone and looked back at you. the shirt. the suspiciously smug smile and the complete lack of guilt.

"...of course he did," she muttered to herself.

leah typed another message.

le | THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

the reply came before she'd even locked her phone.

less | little bit funny.

leah rolled her eyes so hard they practically reached the ceiling.

leah | she has refused for THIRTY MINUTES.

another typing bubble.

less | gotta pick your battles sometimes babe 😂

leah stared at the message in complete disbelief.

le | you're unbelievable.

the was a pause this time before another reply appeared.

less | she's still coming to support englnad.

less | just... in a very lovie way.

leah looked over at the little girl again.

you were quietly spinning in circles now, making the barcelona shirt flare out around you as though you'd already won the argument.

which, judging by alessia's response... you probably had.

leah sighed cause as frustrating as it was...alessia wasn't entirely wrong. you weren't refusing to support england.

you were just insisting on doing it while proudly wearing the shirt of the footballer you adored most in the world.

another message appeared.

less | tell her i love her.

leah smiled despite herself, of course that was alessia's priority.

she typed one final reply.

le | she'll use that against me.

less | yeah probably 😂

leah laughed quietly under her breath before slipping her phone back into her pocket then she turned around.

you were already standing by the front door, bouncing impatiently on the balls of your feet. the second leah looked at you, those bright eyes widened hopefully. "mummy says she loves me?"

"...yes."

your smile grew even wider. "and she didn't say i have to change my shirt?"

leah hesitated, only for the tiniest fraction of a second. just enough for the guilt to settle in. "...no."

you gasped dramatically before throwing both fists into the air. "i win!"

you celebrated as though you'd just scored the winning goal at wembley, bouncing twice on the spot before rushing over and grabbing leah's hand.

"come on!" you said excitedly, already tugging her towards the front door. "we don't want to miss mummy!" leah allowed herself to be pulled along, laughing softly as she followed.

halfway down the hallway she glanced at the little barcelona shirt beside her. at the bright navy and garnet stripes. at PUTELLAS 11 stretched proudly across the back. then at the tiny hand wrapped so trustingly around her own. her heart softened despite every ounce of exasperation she'd felt over the last thirty minutes.

she let out the long, weary sigh of someone who had accepted defeat long before the final whistle. "i hope your mother appreciates how many grey hairs you've just given me."

you immediately looked up at her, studying leah's hair with complete seriousness. and after several seconds of careful inspection you shook your head. "you don't have grey hairs."

leah smiled. "...i will by kick-off."

you burst into a fit of giggles that echoed through the hallway then you tilted your head. "i still look pretty though?"

leah's entire expression melted. she crouched just enough to press a gentle kiss against the top of your head before smoothing down one of the little curls that had escaped your ponytail.

"you do." her smile grew. "you also happen to be the most stubborn child in england."

you beamed proudly, taking that as the highest compliment imaginable. "i get it from mummy."

leah laughed properly this time, she couldn't even deny it.

"...unfortunately," she said, giving your hand a gentle squeeze as you both stepped outside together, "you really, really do."

⸻

the atmosphere at wembley swallowed up almost everything else.

flags, songs, england shirts everywhere. except... one very small barcelona shirt.

several staff members smiled as you walked past hand in hand with leah

one laughed. "brave choice today."

you nodded confidently. "i know."

leah muttered under her breath. "tell me about it." as you took your seats not far from the england dugout

england won and as the final whistle blew the stadium erupted.

you were already bouncing on the balls of your feet, practically tugging leah's arm out of its socket every few seconds.

"mummy!" you squealed, already pointing towards the pitch even though alessia was still surrounded by teammates, staff and cameras.

leah laughed quietly, shaking her head. you bounced again, unable to stand still for more than half a second.

"can we go?" you asked, your voice high with excitement. "please mama? can we go now?"

"as soon as they let families through," leah said patiently, smoothing down a curl that had escaped your ponytail. "they'll open the barrier in a minute."

"but it's been ages." you dragged out the word in frustration.

"it hasn't." leah smiled knowingly.

"it feels like ages." you let out an exaggerated sigh, your shoulders slumping dramatically before you immediately started bouncing again.

every few seconds you stretched onto your tiptoes, trying to see over the crowd of waiting families. "can you see mummy?"

"not yet."

"what about now?"

"nope."

"now?”

leah couldn't help laughing. "no, sweetheart."

the wait felt endless. for you, every second seemed to last a whole minute. you practically vibrated with excitement, clutching your esme the elephant

the second the barrier finally open, you didn't even wait for leah to finish saying, "careful..." you were already off.

tiny trainers flying across the grass.

"slow down!" leah called after her, laughing despite herself. across the pitch, alessia turned at the sound of a familiar voice.

"lovie?"

there you were. tiny, curly hair bouncing behind you with every step. the bright barcelona shirt stood out amongst a sea of white england shirts like a beacon.

alessia couldn't stop herself laughing. of course, only her daughter would wear a barcelona shirt to an england match.

alessia opened both arms wide. "lovie!" she called, her face breaking into the biggest smile she'd worn all day.

"mummy!" you squealed back, your little legs somehow moving even faster. you launched yourself the final few steps.

alessia caught you effortlessly, lifting you straight off the ground with a soft grunt before spinning you around once.

"there she is," alessia laughed warmly, pulling you into a tight hug. "there's my girl."

you wrapped both arms around her neck so tightly it was almost impossible to breathe. "i missed you," you mumbled into alessia's shoulder.

"i missed you too," alessia replied softly, rubbing gentle circles across your back.

you leaned back just enough to beam at her. "i saw you score!" you announced proudly, your eyes impossibly bright.

alessia gasped dramatically, "you did?" she asked, widening her eyes in mock surprise.

you nodded so enthusiastically your curls bounced. "i shouted really, really loud."

"you did?"

"mhm!"

alessia tapped the end of your nose. "i heard you."

you narrowed your eyes suspiciously before dissolving into a giggle. "you didn't," you declared confidently.

"i definitely did," alessia insisted with a grin

"no you didn't."

"i've got super hearing."

"you haven't."

"i have."

"you were all the way over there," you argued, pointing towards the corner flag on the opposite side to where you'd been sitting.

"i still heard you."

"nuh-uh.”

"yep."

you laughed so hard you nearly slipped from alessia's arms "you being silly, mummy"

"i might be, just a little bit" alessia brushed a curl away from your face before finally taking a proper look at what you were wearing.

her eyes dropped to the navy and garnet shirt, she tilted her head dramatically. "...hang on," she said, pretending to sound confused as if she hadn't seen the photo of you before you'd left the house with leah. "where's your england shirt?"

you blinked then looked down at yourself as though you'd genuinely forgotten what you'd put on that morning. "oh."

you shrugged one shoulder without a hint of guilt. "i wanted alexia."

alessia pressed her lips together, trying very hard not to laugh. "i can see that," she chuckled.

you searched her face carefully. "you don't mind?" you asked quietly.

alessia's expression softened immediately as she shook her head. "no, baby,," she said gently. "i don't mind."

"really?"

"really."

you smiled with obvious relief. "you still know i wanted england to win," you explained earnestly.

"i know," alessia replied, nodding.

"and i cheered when you scored."

"i know you did."

"i shouted, 'go mummy!'"

"you did."

"and..." you hesitated for a second before admitting with complete honesty, "...i shouted for alexia too."

alessia laughed again, unable to help herself. "i figured that might've happened."

"i like both of you." you admitted as alessia nodded she knew this, "but you're my favourite.”

alessia raised an eyebrow playfully. "...by a lot?"

you leaned in conspiratorially. "by this much," you whispered, holding your fingers barely an inch apart.

alessia laughed loudly. "only that much?"

you burst into giggles. "no." and you threw both arms as wide as they would go. "THIS much."

"that's better," alessia said, pulling you into another hug and kissing the top of your head.

a little later and you had somehow vanished. alessia frowned, immediately scanning the pitch.

"where's..."

"there!" leah laughed, pointing towards the opposite side of the grass.

ella was sprinting away with exaggerated panic plastered across her face. "no!" ella cried dramatically, glancing over her shoulder. "she's too fast!"

behind her, you chased after her with determined little legs. "i'm gonna get you!" you squealed between giggles.

"you'll never catch me!" ella called, deliberately slowing down just enough for you to think you were gaining.

"i will!"

"no chance!"

"I'M REALLY FAST!"

"you are!" ella laughed. "that's the problem!"

a second later ella pretended to trip over absolutely nothing.

"oh no!" she stumbled dramatically before collapsing onto the grass with an exaggerated groan. "i've been caught!"

you launched herself onto ella's back, laughing so hard she could barely breathe.

"i win!" you declared triumphantly, throwing your arms in the air.

"you always win, kiddo" ella sighed theatrically, throwing one arm over her eyes. "i never stood a chance."

"you didn't," you agreed very seriously.

leah and alessia smiled as they watched the pair rolling around on the grass as alessia slipped an arm around leah's waist, "you look tired."

"i argued with a five year old for thirty seven minutes," leah said with a dramatic sigh, folding her arms across her chest.

alessia glanced over at her, a smile already tugging at her lips. "only thirty-seven?" she teased. "i'm impressed."

leah let out a quiet laugh and shook her head. "thirty-nine if we're being precise," she corrected.

alessia laughed, the sound bright and unrestrained. "you could've just let her," she pointed out, bumping leah's shoulder lightly.

"i know," leah admitted with an exaggerated groan. she looked across the pitch to where you were currently chasing ella around with determined little legs before turning back to alessia.

"but it's england!" she exclaimed, throwing one hand into the air.

"i know," alessia replied, still smiling.

"and she's wearing spain's captain on her back," leah continued in disbelief.

alessia chuckled, trying not to laugh too hard at how genuinely offended leah still sounded. "it's barcelona," alessia corrected gently.

leah gave her an unimpressed look. "it's practically the same thing today," she argued.

alessia couldn't help herself. she stepped closer and pressed a soft kiss to leah's cheek. "thank you," she murmured.

leah blinked, her teasing expression immediately melting into something much softer. "for what?" she asked quietly.

alessia glanced over to where you were now triumphantly declaring yourself the winner of yet another game you'd definitely been allowed to win.

"for looking after her," alessia said, her voice warm with gratitude. "for putting up with thirty-nine minutes of negotiations over a football shirt... and everything else while I've been away."

leah smiled, reaching for alessia's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. "always" she replied without an ounce of hesitation.

the final whistles of conversations echoed around the pitch as staff began gently ushering players towards the tunnel.

"come on, girls!" someone from england's staff called. "inside, please!"

one by one, players started saying their goodbyes to family members.

ella dramatically complained that she'd "definitely pulled a hamstring" after losing six games of tag to a five-year-old before jogging away, making you giggle as you waved your auntie ella goodbye.

leah reached for your hand. "come on, angel. mummy has to head in, we'll see her afterwards"

you nodded, though your eyes wandered around the pitch one last time, trying to soak everything in.

then you stopped. "...mama." leah followed her gaze.

a small group of spanish players were making their way towards the same tunnel from the opposite side of the pitch, chatting amongst themselves and signing the odd shirt and taking a few photos with fans.

one of them looked up, mariona. the arsenal forward paused mid-conversation her eyes immediately landed on the tiny barcelona shirt.

a grin spread across her face. she nudged the player walking beside her, saying something quietly in spanish. laia looked over too before laughing softly.

mariona gave the group a quick wave to say she'd catch them up before changing direction completely. instead of heading for the tunnel...

she walked straight towards them.

"lovie," alessia laughed quietly beside leah. "i think you've been spotted."

your eyes widened. "super mario!"

you let go of leah's hand and hurried over, stopping just in front of the arsenal teammate you'd seen dozens of times at your mummy's training.

mariona's smile softened immediately, she crouched down so she was eye level with you, "hola, pequeña," she greeted warmly.

you gave a shy little wave. "...hiya."

"its good to see you again," mariona said, her english carrying its familiar spanish accent.

you nodded. "you too.”

mariona's eyes drifted down to the shirt as she laughed quietly. "i had a feeling you'd be wearing barcelona."

you looked down proudly, smoothing a hand over the front. "my uncle gio got it for me," you explained. "when he was in spain"

"its beautiful," mariona told you sincerely.

you beamed. "i love barca."

"i can tell," mariona replied with a grin.

laia had wandered over by now, folding her arms as she smiled at the little girl. "even today?" she asked teasingly, raising an eyebrow.

you nodded without a second's hesitation. "i wanted england to win," you said earnestly. both spanish's players smiled.

"nut..." you continued, glancing down at the shirt again with obvious pride, "...i also like alexia."

mariona laughed, exchanging an amused look with laia. "i think someone would quite like to hear that."

you frowned in confusion. "...what?"

mariona held out her hand with an encouraging smile. "venir."

you instinctively looked back over your shoulder towards your mummy and mama, "can i?"

alessia smiled immediately. "go on."

leah chuckled, giving you a gentle nudge forward. "just don't forget who feeds you, yeah!"

"i won't!" you promised quickly before slipping your tiny hand into mariona's.

mariona smiled to herself as she led you towards the tunnel where the remaining spanish players were waiting and across the pitch the a few players drifting between groups of supporters.

they were signing shirts, posing for photos, stopping for small conversations that were never quite as quick as security wanted them to be.

meat the advertising boards, alexia was doing exactly that. a barcelona shirt then a spain one, a programme and then another shirt.

she thanked each supporter with a smile, chatting in spanish before moving onto the next person. then she looked up.

mariona was walking towards her and beside her a tiny little girl with bouncy curls and a barcelona shirt that looked just a touch too big.

alexia’s eyes immediately landed on the back of it.

PUTELLAS. 11.

her own name and she couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. “hola.”

you stopped, instantly. every ounce of confidence you’d somehow found talking to mariona and laia completely disappeared.

you simply stared, wide-eyed. mouth slightly open.

mariona chuckled quietly beside you. “i think you’ve made someone very nervous.”

your trainers stayed rooted to the grass, mariona gave your shoulder the gentlest little nudge. “it’s okay.”

alexia laughed softly, already lowering herself into a crouch so she wasn’t towering over the little girl. “hola.” her voice was gentle as she waved slightly, patient and warm, “you don’t have to be scared.”

you swallowed, you couldn’t quite believe the alexia putellas was in front of you, “…hi.”

alexia glanced back at mariona with an amused smile “you’ve found a Barcelona supporter at wembley?”

mariona grinned. “not just any supporter.” she rested a hand lightly against your shoulder. “this little one has spent all afternoon proudly wearing your shirt.”

alexia looked back at you. “you wore my shirt?” a tiny nod came from you,

“you came to watch england…” another nod. “…and you still chose barcelona?”

you finally found enough courage to speak, very quietly. “so everyone knew.”

alexia tilted her head. “knew what?”

“…that you’re my favourite.” it was barely above a whisper. the kind of confession only someone standing inches away could hear.

for a second, alexia’s smile softened into something almost emotional. “well…” she placed a hand gently against her own chest. “thank you.”

she glanced back at mariona again, curiosity dancing across her face. “whose little girl is she?”

mariona smiled knowingly. “you haven’t recognised her?”

alexia looked between them once more then shook her head with a small laugh. “no…”

mariona nodded towards the england players still scattered across the pitch. “she’s baby russo.”

alexia blinked. “…russo?”

“alessia’s daughter.”

recognition immediately washed over her face as her eyebrows lifted. “no…”

mariona laughed. “si.”

alexia looked back at you in complete disbelief before glancing across the pitch. and sure enough standing a little further away: alessia and leah were both watching.

alessia had one hand over her mouth, already smiling before anything had even happened. leah folded her arms with a grin.

as alexia looked back to you. “so…” a playful smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “your mummy plays against me…”

you nodded. “…but today you wore my shirt.” another tiny nod as alexia laughed. “i think that’s very brave.”

nearby, laia had spotted the entire exchange unfolding and saying a word she pulled her phone from her pocket, “this needs recording,” she muttered with a smile.

the camera quietly captured everything.

alexia turned her full attention back to you. “so…”

“how old are you?”

“five .”

“five?”

you nodded. “i turned five.”

alexia smiled. “a big age.” she pointed gently towards the football still tucked under one of the advertising boards. “do you play football?”

“a little bit.” you nodded as mariona spoke for you saying you were football mad.

“a defender?”

you immediately looked horrified. “no.”

alexia laughed. “no?”

“i like passing.” you told alexia imitating one of your passing moves that you had learnt.

mariona snorted, “already a midfielder.”

alexia nodded approvingly. “a very important job.” she looked down at the barcelona shirt again. “and who bought you this?”

“my uncle gio.” you grinned proudly, “he knows barcelona is one of my favourite.”

“and he chose very well.” alexia nodded approvingly as you smiled shyly at the compliment. every answer came in tiny sentences, barely louder than a whisper.

nothing like the confident little chatterbox who had spent the afternoon proudly explaining to anyone who would listen why you couldn’t possibly wear an england shirt because “mummy already wears england.”

alexia found it endlessly adorable. another another minute of chatting and she reached into the pocket of a staff member standing nearby and borrowed a marker.

then she held it up. “may i sign your shirt for you?”

your eyes became enormous. “the… the shirt?”

alexia nodded with a smile “if that’s okay with you.”

for a second you simply stared as though you couldn’t quite believe you’d heard correctly then your entire face lit up. “yes please!”

alexia carefully turned the fabric so it stayed flat. slowly and neatly she signed her name beneath the number eleven. making sure not to smudge the ink before handing the pen back.

“there.”

you immediately looked down you reached out with one tiny finger and very carefully touched the fresh signature then looked back up.

your eyes were sparkling. “…thank you.”

“it was lovely meeting you, y/n.” alexia smiled before gently ruffling your curls. “i hope you keep enjoying football.”

“i will.”

“and maybe…” alexia winked. “…one day i’ll see you playing.”

you looked as though you’d stopped breathing altogether. “i’ll try.”

mariona smiled. “i think someone will remember today forever.”

“i think so too,” alexia replied warmly as she waved goodbye, a media officer ushering her away.

mariona held out her hand. “come on, pequeña.”

you slipped your tiny hand into mariona’s as you started walking back and laia’s phone was still recording and caught the exact second you spotted alessia standing not too far in the tunnel.

“mummy!”

you broke into a run. alessia barely had time to open her arms before the little girl launched herself forwards.

“oof!” she laughed, catching you effortlessly. “you met her!”

“I MET HER!” you squealed, practically bouncing in alessia’s arms.

alessia laughed, unable to stop smiling. “i know!”

“she talked to me!” you continued breathlessly, your words tumbling over one another in your excitement.

“i know she did,” alessia replied warmly, smoothing a curl back from your forehead.

“she knew my name!”

alessia’s eyes widened in exaggerated surprise as she gasped dramatically. “did she?”

you nodded so enthusiastically your curls bounced. “yeah! mariona told her i was little russo, and then she said, ‘it was lovely meeting you, y/n!’”

alessia couldn’t help laughing. “well… she was right.it was lovely meeting you.”

“and she touched my shirt!” you added, looking down at the signed barcelona top as though it had suddenly become the most precious thing in the world.

alessia grinned, glancing at the signature beneath the number eleven. “i noticed.”

“and she said uncle gio picked a good one!”

alessia smiled fondly, already imagining giorgio’s reaction when he heard the story. “i’m sure he’ll be very pleased to hear that.”

you hugged the front of your shirt protectively before looking back up at your mum, still beaming from ear to ear. “he’ll never believe me.”

“and…” you leaned in close, lowering her voice as though sharing the world’s biggest secret. “…she signed it.”

alessia looked down at the shirt, there it was. alexia putellas’ unmistakable signature beneath the eleven.

she couldn’t stop laughing. actual tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. “i think…” she kissed the top of your curls. “…she liked you.”

you looked down at the signature one more time carefully smoothing the shirt with both hands then you looked back at her mum.

your voice was barely a whisper. “i think…” a tiny smile spread across your face. “…this is the best day ever.”

⸻

for the next three weeks, everyone suffered. every conversation somehow found its way back to alexia.

one morning over breakfast, you took a bite of your toast before announcing very matter-of-factly, “did you know alexia said my shirt was beautiful?”

alessia didn’t even look up from making coffee, used to this now. “yes” she replied with an amused smile.

a few hours later, as leah walked past the living room, “mama,” you called after her, “did you know alexia signed it?”

leah paused dramatically and rested a hand against her forehead. “only because you’ve told me fourteen times today.”

you frowned thoughtfully before holding up one finger. “it was fifteen,” you corrected proudly.

leah looked towards alessia. “…we’re raising a statistician.”

at breakfast the next day, you poked at your pancakes before looking up. “i think alexia likes pancakes probably.”

alessia smiled over the rim of her mug. “probably.”

leah snorted into her tea. “what makes you think that?”

you shrugged. “because everyone likes pancakes.”

“…can’t argue with that logic,” leah admitted.

in the car on the way to training, you gazed out of the window for a few moments before wondering aloud, “i wonder what Alexia’s favourite colour is.”

from the driver’s seat, alessia laughed. “i’ve absolutely no idea, baby.”

“you should ask her.”

leah burst out laughing from the passenger seat. “oh, just send her a quick text, less. ‘morning, by the way, what’s your favourite colour?’”

alessia shook her head, laughing. “i don’t think that’s happening.”

that evening, after stories had been read and the bedroom lights were dimmed, you hugged esme the elephant tightly.

“mummy?”

“mh?” alessia hummed, tucking the duvet around you.

“do you think alexia remembers me?”

alessia’s expression softened instantly. she brushed a curl away from your face. “i think she probably does.”

“you do?”

“i do.”

you smiled to herself. “good.”

even facetiming nonno and nonna became impossible. the second mario answered, “hi, tesoro!” he greeted with a grin.

“look!” you exclaimed, already scrambling to hold the barcelona shirt up to the camera.

mario chuckled patiently. “i’ve seen it, tesoro.”

“but have you seen the signature today?” you asked very seriously, tilting the shirt to make sure he had the perfect view.

carol laughed from somewhere behind him. “i don’t think signatures move, sweetheart.”

“they don’t,” you agreed with complete confidence. “…but it’s still nice to look at.”

eventually, leah found alessia laughing in the kitchen one evening while you carefully folded the signed shirt for the night.

"this," leah said, leaning against the counter, "is your fault."

"my fault?" alessia gasped with such dramatic effect as she was still trying to compose herself.

"you laughed instead of backing me up." leah pointed out with a smirk as she nicked one of alessia’s biscuits

"i did." alessia agreed quietly.

"and now our daughter thinks she's best friends with alexia putellas."

from the living room, you called proudly, "i am!"

leah closed her eyes. "there it is." alessia couldn't help herself. she laughed, wrapping an arm around leah before looking towards the living room where you were already telling esme the elephant, in great detail, exactly how alexia had smiled at her.

"you know," alessia said with a grin, "it could be worse."

leah raised an eyebrow, alessia smiled. "at least she still wanted england to win."

leah considered it. "...i’ll allow it."

from the living room came one final announcement. "when i grow up..." a dramatic pause. "...i’m going to play with mummy." another pause. "...and then with alexia.”

but when you had spent twenty years at one club. when you joined the academy at eight years old with a shirt two sizes too big and oversized socks with a dream bigger than yourself, spent years building yourself up, building a life, a relationship and meeting friends for life it really felt impossible to imagine wearing another badge.

so in january when you walked yourself into what you had expected to be a routine meeting and contract update considering it was ending in the summer.

but the room felt too formal, too quiet in comparison to other contract meetings you'd had in the past.

across from the big board room table sat renee, another member of the club hierarchy and your agent where non of them looked particularly comfortable.

your stomach dropped. the vibe currently setting around the room was never a good sign.

renee said her normal greeting as you responded before moving uncomfortable in her seat,  "y/n," renee began carefully. "firstly, i would like to say this has nothing to do with your performances."

and with those words, you knew. because nobody started a conversation like that unless they were about to break your heart.

"i mean there's no easy way of putting this nicely but i'm afraid we won't be offering a renewal for the next season."

the words landed like a punch as you just stared and for a second you genuinely thought you'd misheard.

"sorry, what?"

the other woman higher up in arsenals recruitment shifted awkwardly, "we feel this is the right time to move in different directions, both you and club deserve a new challenge"

different direction. new challenge.

so twenty years and apparently that was all it amounted to: different direction and a new challenge for both.

you laughed once, a short, humourless sound. "so.. i don't get a say in this. that it then, final decision yeah?"

renee visibly winced, as her expression softened as she exchanged a glance with the other women before looking back at you, "i know this is difficult to process y/n, i do. but we wanted to let you know now to give you enough time to speak and explore other clubs"

you nodded, biting your lip as you whispered, "you make it sound so easy"

you clung to the word clubs. plural. as if arsenal wasn't the only club you'd ever wanted as if you'd spent your whole life preparing for this moment even if this sort of scenario only happened in her nightmares.

you nodded slowly, you didn't cry. not there. not in front of them.

instead you exchanged a look with your agent who told you he would be in touch as you thanked renee and the other women for their honesty and time as you stood up and walked out professionally before either of them could say anything else.

then you sat in your car for forty-five minutes and cried until your eyes hurt.

—

the rumours seemingly started almost immediately about contract talks and by february they were everywhere.

you linked with clubs in america, manchester, a photo-shop photo of you in a chelsea shirt as you were linked with another club in europe and apparently you had already been given a new contract to sign. you wish.

half the reports were nonsense but the other half weren't because while nobody knew arsenal had already made their decision, you did.

and now you were spending every spare moment speaking to your agent, trying to find the best outcome from a shitty situation. you were exploring options and trying desperately to imagine a future you never wanted.

and if losing arsenal had felt like losing part of yourself, the thought of telling alessia felt almost as impossible.

the two of you had met because of arsenal and looking back, neither of you could pinpoint the exact moment you both fell in love.

but alessia had always joked that she'd signed for arsenal and accidentally fallen in love with you in the same breath.

you had already spent years in the first team when alessia walked through the doors after signing for the club. she'd been one of the first to welcome her, showing her around, introducing her to everyone, making sure she settled into the place you had proudly called home since you were eight years old.

and somewhere between shared training sessions, long recovery days, coffees after practice and the quiet moments away from football, you'd both fallen in love.

so arsenal hadn't just given you a career. it had given you alessia and now, there was every chance the club that had brought the two of you together was about to send the two of you in different directions.

so yeah, the worst part was keeping it from alessia cause every time she asked, you felt sick.

it didn't matter whether they were driving home from training, cooking dinner together or lying in bed before they went to sleep. somehow, the conversation always found its way back there.

"so... have arsenal said anything yet?" alessia would ask so casually, usually after another conversation ended and the was a pause of silence

you would force a shrug, hoping it looked more convincing than it felt, the response would follow one of three.

"still talking.."

"nothing exciting."

"we'll see"

every answer was half true with a small white lie following it. arsenal had said something, just they hadn't said what alessia had thought they had.

every lie sat heavily in your chest, making your stomach twist the second the words left your mouth. you hated lying to alessia.

in the years the two of you been together, you'd never kept something this big from her. but every time you opened your mouth to tell her the truth, the words caught in your throat.

because saying them out loud would make them real, then you'd immediately change the subject; ask about training, ask about what to have for dinner, the film the two of you should watch, ask how alessia day had been if you’d spent it apart.

ask about literally anything else but you and arsenal.

at first, alessia accepted it. contract negotiations did take time. players didn't always know where they stood until the final weeks of the season and you had to never been the one to talk about business until there was actually something to say.

but as the weeks rolled into months, something didn't feel right cause other players in the team had their season outcome.

but your answers never changed, you never elaborated.

every mention of contracts seemed to make your shoulders tense, your smile falter, your eyes dart somewhere to anywhere but towards alessia.

alessia stopped reading into articles and journalists whenever you walked into the room. she quietly started ignoring the transfer rumours altogether, not wanting to upset you.

but she couldn't ignore the knot in her own stomach. she knew you, too well maybe. knew every tiny tell.

the way you'd pick at the skin around your thumbnail when you were anxious. the way you'd rub the back of your neck whenever something was bothering her.

the way you'd become unusually chatty whenever you were trying to distract someone from asking the question you didn't want to answer.

you weren't just avoiding the conversation, you were hiding from it cause every time arsenal contracts or the next season talk came up you looked like you wanted to disappear.

by the time mid-march rolled around, the questions had become impossible to avoid.

the rumours had picked up pace and every other day there seemed to be another article or transfer page linking you with a different club.

this time it was america. but then the next it was france. then it was another WSL side. nobody seemed to know anything for certain, yet everyone seemed to have an opinion, to know the answer even if nothing was official.

eventually, the questions started creeping into the dressing room.

leah had been the first. "so... any news?" you had barely looked up from untying your boots. "no.. not yet."

a few days later it was kim over lunch, harmlessly slipping it in, "they keeping you waiting, then?"

you had smiled politely, fork pushing food around the plate, "there still working bits out"

then lotte, steph and even vic had asked in a passing after training one afternoon. and every single time, you gave the same vague, carefully rehearsed answers.

"we'll see."

"nothing to report."

"nope, still waiting."

never enough to sound suspicious. never enough to invite another question and eventually, the girls stopped asking.

they all assumed there simply wasn't any news to tell. everyone except alessia.

she kept asking because she cared because she knew how much arsenal meant to you and she couldn't understand why the club were taking so long to tie down someone who had spent their whole life wearing the badge.

every time she brought it up, you would smile a little too quickly before changing the subject.

it didn't take long for alessia to realise the conversation was becoming something you were actively avoiding. she just didn't know why, couldn’t understand why?

—

the breaking point came a couple of weeks later. you had another meeting scheduled during a training day.

the calendar invitation simply read 'club meeting', but when alessia had asked about it over breakfast, you hadn't hesitated.

"its just about a brand appearance." you smiled shoving a slice of toast in your mouth.

alessia had nodded, "oh, nice. another sponsor thing?"

"yeah." you forced a smile nodding and going along with what ever alessia was saying as she hummed before standing up heading to her own leadership meeting not before kissing you on the cheek.

"i'm sure there probably just be sorting out a photoshoot or something."

something harmless. something ordinary. nothing worth worrying about.

in reality, you spent the next hour sitting in a meeting room with your agent on speakerphone and members of the club discussing interest from three separate clubs.

clubs you'd never imagined yourself playing for. conversations about contract lengths, relocation, wages, housing. the possibility of moving abroad.

the logistics of packing up the only home you'd ever really known. every sentence felt like another reminder that arsenal's decision wasn't changing.

it wasn't hypothetical anymore. this was your future and you needed to tell alessia somehow.

but by the time the meeting finally ended, you felt exhausted. not physically but emotionally. you weren't ready to leave but the club had already decided for you.

as you walked down the corridor towards the changing room, you could feel the frustration bubbling under your skin with each step.

stupid meeting, stupid hour talking about a stupid future you didn't want.

you pushed the door open harder than you had intended, it slammed against the stopped with a loud bang, your phone and bottle hitting the bench a second later.

and for a moment, you thought you were alone.

then..  "jesus, y/n."

you looked up, leah was sat a few lockers down. she was halfway through changing from her boots to her trainers. one sock was already on, the other still bunched in her hands.

she watched the tension in your face, in your shoulders as she raised an eyebrow. "i see someone's in a good mood?"

you scrubbed both hands over your face, letting out a shaky breath. "don't."

leah's expression immediately softened, "that bad?" she'd spent a lot of your years at arsenal with you, heck most of them. she knew when something was up and this was one of those moments.

you didn't answer. you couldn't. because the second you opened your mouth you knew it was fall and the months of sadness would finally spill over and once you started with the tears you weren't convinced you'd ever stop.

the silence stretched between them. leah quietly pulled on her second sock, tied the laces on one trainer, then looked back over.

"y/n."

nothing.

"you've barely said two words all week."

still nothing.

"you know i'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on."

you laughed. it wasn't a laugh. just a broken, humourless breath. then, before you could stop herself— "they aren't renewing me... this will be my last season for arsenal."

the words hung in the air. heavy. unbelievable.

leah stopped moving altogether, she'd expected maybe you had a lot going on but she expected it to be family or maybe something with alessia. not this. "you what?"

you kept staring at the floor. your trainers suddenly seemed fascinating. "they told me in january, just after we came back from the winter break"

silence. then—

"what do you mean... january?" leah asked, her voice now unsteady. part of her wishing she hadn't asked and maybe this wouldn't have been the outcome.

you let out another hollow laugh. "exactly that."

leah just blinked. "they told you in january..." leah glanced to her phone, the date on her phone, 23rd march. you nodded. "...that they weren't renewing your contract?"

another nod from you as leah just stared. the disbelief on her face was immediate and maybe dispute the situation award winning.

but it wasn't the kind of shock someone had over a transfer rumour or the surprise of a tactical decision. actual, genuine disbelief.

"they're letting you go?" she asked, as if it wasn't sinking in what you had said

your throat tightened, "yeah"

"but..." leah frowned, "...you're y/n."

that almost made you laugh again as though that changed anything. "they've made their decision, le"

leah leaned back against the lockers, shaking her head. "that's insane."

"so i've been told." you said sadly, your hands now in your lap as you glanced at leah, not being able to look at her properly knowing the look on her face would kill you.

"no, seriously." leah looked genuinely angry now, as she sat a bit straighter now "you've been here your whole life."

"i know." you nodded sadly.

"you've given everything to this club." leah argued as if her words were going to change anything that wasn't already happening and in motion.

"i know."

"you practically grew up here."

"i know, le." your voice cracked on the last word. "i know."

the room fell quiet again. leah moved across the bench until she was sitting beside you instead of opposite you. for a long moment, neither of them spoke.

eventually leah asked the question you'd been dreading. "...i take it alessia knows?"

you froze, your eyes immediately dripping back to the floor, your trainers looking interesting again.

leah didn't need an answer, as she sighed, "oh, y/n.."

"i know." you mumbled, guilt filling you. but it killing you slightly inside to tell leah it was going to be ten times worse and more to tell alessia, even if keeping it from her was probably even worse.

"you haven't told her?" leah asked, a sudden look of shock flashing across her, she could understand why you hadn't told the team but alessia? that was wrong and you knew that.

a tiny shake of the head as leah exhaled slowly, rubbing a hand over her face. "she's going to be absolutely devastated."

"i know."

"and you've been carrying this around by yourself since january?"

another nod. "i know."

leah looked at her for a long moment. not with judgement, just concern.

you finally whispered what your been too scared to admit to anyone. "i don't know how to tell her." your voice was barely audible.

"i've tried." you swallowed hard. "so many times." you paused before continuing, "i get home and i think, 'tonight. tonight i'll tell her.'" a shaky breath, as leah hummed, "and then she smiles at me... or asks how my day was... or starts talking about next season..."

you eyes filled despite your best efforts to stop them. "and i just can't and i feel so guilty for not telling her but i just can't get the words out"

because how did you tell the woman you loved that the club you'd dedicated twenty years to no longer wanted you?

how did you tell alessia there was a very real chance the two of you wouldn't be walking into training centre together next season?

that there was a possibility the two of you might not even be living in the same country?

leah reached over, squeezing your shoulder. "you need to have the conversation otherwise your gonna lose arsenal and her."

you nodded automatically, "i know, i will"

leah held her gaze. "no." her voice was gentle, but firm. "you need to actually do it."

you closed her eyes because deep down, you knew leah was right. you just weren't sure your heart could survive saying the words out loud but you needed to you couldn't loose two of the most important thing in your life especially when one is totally avoidable.

—

after your conversation with leah, you didn't tell alessia. not that week. not the week after that or the week after that even.

every time you decided today would be the day, the words got stuck somewhere between your heart and your mouth. you'd rehearse it in the mornings when brushing your teeth before training.

you'd stand outside your front door, promising yourself you wouldn't lie anymore. you'd even catch yourself looking at alessia across the dinner table and think, 'just tell her.'

then alessia would smile, or laugh at something stupid on her phone or reach across the table to steal food from your plate and suddenly you couldn't bear the thought of being the reason that smile disappeared.

so you would  swallow the truth all over again. just one more day. tomorrow. you'd tell her tomorrow. except tomorrow never came.

and so the rumours only got worse. there wasn't a day that went by without another article appearing online.

"lifelong gunner set for shock exit."

"wsl defender attracting interest abroad."

"three clubs leading the race for arsenal star."

some journalists were practically announcing transfers that hadn't even happened. others claimed you'd already signed pre-contracts.

you stopped reading them after a while, the stress of it all was starting to become overwhelming and it hurt just that little bit less by pretending they didn't exist.

alessia, on the other hand, couldn't avoid them. every time she opened social media there was another headline. another rumour.

another fan or media individual asking why arsenal hadn't announced your renewal yet. at first she'd laughed them off.

"they don't know anything."

you had simply hummed in agreement. then you'd change the subject, again.

alessia wasn't frustrated with you, she was becoming frustrated because nothing made sense.

you were quieter than usual. the woman who normally filled every silence with terrible jokes now barely spoke during the drive home.

you were distracted, constantly checking your phone. stepping away to answer calls from your agent. disappearing into meetings that seemed to become more frequent with every passing week.

and every single time alessia asked about them...

"it's nothing."

"it's just admin."

"they're sorting sponsorship stuff."

always an explanation but never the full truth.

leah noticed it too. one afternoon, after training, she caught you lingering in the corridor outside the changing room.

"you still haven't told her, have you?" leah asked but it wasn't a question, she knew you hadn't.

you let out a tired sigh. "no."

leah folded her arms as she leant against the wall, letting out a disappointed sigh "y/n.."

"i know." you mumbled as you looked down at the ground fidgeting with the rings on your fingers.

"no, i don't think you do." leah quipped back, leah wasn't trying to get at you but she knew the longer you hid this from alessia the worse it was going to get.

you glanced back up at leah, tired eyed. "i've tried-“

"when?" leah shot back quickly.

"every day."

leah's expression softened. "then why haven't you?"

"because every time i look at her..." you shook your head. "...i can't be the person who breaks her heart."

leah sighed. "she's going to be hurt whether you tell her today or three weeks from now." you nodded, you knew this but there was something stopping you, "and every day you wait, it gets bigger."

"i know."

"so stop carrying it on your own."

you leaned back against the wall, the same wall leah was leaning against. "i just need a little more time."

"y/n, you've had three months."

silence.

"y/n..."

leah's voice became gentler, knowing this was hard for you "she deserves to hear it from you."

but before you could answer, footsteps echoed down the corridor. both of you looked up. blonde hair, alessia. she slowed as she reached them, her eyes immediately flicking between the two. neither of you spoke.

leah stood with her arms folded across her chest, one shoulder pressed against the wall beside the changing room door. her expression wasn't angry. if anything, it was worse. concerned.

you were leaning back against the opposite wall, jaw tight, while alessia stood between the two of you feeling as though she'd walked into the middle of a conversation that had already been going on for a while.

the air felt heavy and whatever she'd interrupted, it clearly wasn't a joke about training or another argument over coffee orders. "...everything okay?" alessia asked carefully.

you answered far too quickly. "yeah." the word came out sharp, automatic.

leah's eyes flicked to you immediately then to alessia and then back to you again. it was the kind of look that said i'm not buying that for a second.

after a long moment, leah pushed herself away from the wall with a quiet sigh. "i've got to go and find kim anyway."

as she passed, she squeezed your shoulder gently, her voice dropping just enough that it should have been private. "don't leave it too long."

quiet enough that alessia almost missed it, almost. your shoulders stiffened beneath leah's hand. then leah was gone, disappearing around the corner without another word.

the silence she left behind settled heavily between the two of you. alessia stepped closer. "what was that about?"

you blinked as though you'd been pulled back from somewhere far away. "what?"

"you two looked..." alessia searched for the right word. "...serious.

for a second, something flickered across your face. guilt. fear. but then it was gone. you let out a forced laugh that sounded wrong in the empty corridor.

"oh." you rubbed the back of your neck, eyes dropping to the floor. "leah was just being leah."

alessia frowned. "what does that mean?"

"you know..." you shrugged, trying for a smile that never quite reached your eyes. "...mothering everyone."

alessia didn't look convinced. she knew you too well.

knew the way her girlfriend's fingers twitched when you were anxious. knew the way you avoided eye contact when you were hiding something. knew that the laugh you'd just given wasn't real.

"love..."

"its nothing."

there it was again. nothing. the same answer you'd been giving for weeks.

nothing when you stayed behind after training.

nothing when you looked exhausted.

nothing when you kept disappearing to take phone calls.

nothing when transfer rumours with your name attached started appearing online.

alessia felt her chest tighten. "you keep saying that."

you looked up then, and for a moment alessia saw the strain you'd been trying so hard to hide. dark circles beneath your eyes. the tension around your mouth. the way you seemed to be holding yourself together by sheer force of will.

before alessia could say anything else, you reached out. your fingers brushed gently against alessia's temple as you tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

the touch was familiar. careful. almost apologetic. then you leaned in and kissed her. soft and lingering.

long enough that alessia's questions blurred at the edges.

long enough that you could hide behind the affection.

when you pulled away, you stayed close, your foreheads nearly touching.

"i've got to get to analysis."your voice was quieter now. you rested your forehead against alessia's for a brief second, eyes closed.

"i love you, lessi" the words should have felt reassuring. instead they landed with a strange weight in alessia stomach.

you stepped back before she could respond then you turned and started walking down the corridor. "y/n—"

but you didn't stop. didn't look back. just kept walking until the sound of her footsteps faded around the corner.

alessia stood there staring after you, the kiss should have made her feel better. the i love you should have eased the knot in her chest.

but instead, a cold unease settled there. because you hadn't looked relieved after saying it. you looked like someone saying something important before it was too late.

and as alessia watched the empty corridor where her girlfriend had disappeared, one thought lodged itself stubbornly in her mind.

it hadn't felt like a normal goodbye. it had felt like a goodbye she didn't yet understand. and somehow, that frightened her more than any transfer rumour ever could.

—

the rumours got worse. not the usual transfer-window whispers that came and went every few days. these were constant. relentless even as the season was coming to its final weeks.

every morning there seemed to be a new article. every afternoon another update. every evening another journalist claiming to have "sources close to the situation."

possible destinations. likely destinations. clubs which were "monitoring the situation."

one report had you in spain. another had you on the south east coast of america. a third insisted you were staying in england but moving north.

some of them spoke with such confidence that it sounded as though a contract had already been signed. you never commented, you just got quieter.

at first alessia had tolf herself it was normal. transfer speculation happened every season. players ignored it all the time. plus you were her girlfriend, you'd tell her if there was a move on the cards for you.

but this felt different and the conversation that happen with leah and you in the hallway had been playing on alessia's mind for weeks.

so evening you were both at home, curled up on opposite ends of the sofa with takeaway containers balanced on the coffee table.

the television was on but neither of you were watching it. you had picked at a few chips and then abandoned the box entirely. alessia noticed, she noticed everything these days.

for several minutes she watched her girlfriend pretend to scroll through your phone while not actually reading anything. then alessia finally set her own container down. "okay."

you looked up immediately, too quickly. "what?"

alessia turned sideways on the sofa, her hand resting on your knee. "what is going on?"

"nothing." the answer came automatically. instant that it was practically a reflex at this point.

and that, more than anything, made alessia's chest tighten. "y/n."

"i'm fine."

"you're not."

your jaw tightened as you looked away toward the darkened window. alessia moved closer, you legs now resting on her lap. "every time i ask about next season, you shut down."

"less—“

"no."her voice wasn't sharp. ot wasn't angry. it was tired, tired of being shut out. tired of watching the person she loved carry something alone.

"worst case scenario," alessia said quietly, "tell me."

you swallowed, still not having the guts to look at your girlfriend or say the words aloud. "nothing."

"best case scenario?" alessia asked, rephrasing the question for you.

"babe."

"y/n."

the use of your full name landed between them like a weight. your eyes closed briefly. alessia reached across and took your hand, it was cold. "talk to me, please."

for a second you looked as though you might pull away but instead your fingers curled weakly around alessia's. and

suddenly you couldn't do it anymore. couldn't lie. couldn't pretend. couldn't keep carrying the secret that had been crushing you for months from the person you loved.

your breathing hitched. once. twice. then a third time, sharp enough that alessia sat up straighter, she could tell that from whatever it was you were holding onto it wasn't good.

but before you could stop them, tears spilled down your cheeks. alessia's entire expression changed and concern replaced frustration instantly. "oh, hey."

you moved your hand from alessia's as you covered your face with both hands. "they don't want me." the words came out broken and raw.

alessia frowned, not understanding. who was 'they'?  "what do you mean?"

your shoulders shook as alessia's words weren't processing in your head as everything you'd been holding onto just came spilling out, "i've known since january"

a beat of silence ran around the room before alessia whispered, "what?"

you dragged a shaky breath in. "they aren't renewing me."

and for a moment alessia just stared at you as if her brain had refused to process the sentence. "they what?"

you nodded miserably. "i didn't know how to tell you."

"january?" alessia repeated, disbelief creeping into her voice.

"you’ve known since january?"

another nod, you screwed your eyes shut. in your mind you could imagine alessia’s face, annoyed, upset and rightly so.

so when alessia moved without thinking and pulled you towards her until you were pressed against her. wrapping both of her arms around you and holding on tightly. in your mind you were only dreaming.

but as alessia’s cooed and rubbed your back you knew she was there, she may be upset but she was here for you, always. you made a small strangled sound before burying yourself in alessia’s neck.

and then, that was the moment you finally fell apart. not the controlled tears she'd been fighting, real sobs. the kind that shook through your whole body.

twenty years. academy at eight. every age group. every injury. every setback. every dream. your entire life had been built around one badge.

"i don't know what i’m doing," you cried. "i don’t know where i’m going."

alessia tightened her arms around you. "you don't have to know right now."

"but—" you sniffled your words not making much sense.

"we’ll figure it out." alessia said softly kissing the top of your head, trying her best to comfort you.

you shook your head against her shoulder. "you don't understand."

"i do."

"no." your voice cracked again, "my whole life has been arsenal." the words shattered into another sob.

alessia closed her eyes because she did understand. maybe not completely maybe no one could unless they’d spent the same amount of time you had at the same club. but alessia understood enough.

enough to know that this wasn't just about a contract. it was about identity. about belonging and about walking into a place that had felt like home since childhood and realising it no longer wanted you to stay.

alessia pressed a kiss into your hair. "baby, listen to me." you didn't move. "we’ll work it out together, i promise”

another kiss. "whatever happens." another. "whatever club, country” another as you finally lifted your head, your eyes were red-rimmed and swollen, completely heartbroken.

alessia brushed away the tears still clinging to your cheeks.

"you are not doing this alone."

your mouth trembled. "i’m so scared," you admitted.

"of what?"

"cause saying it aloud makes it real.."

alessia chest ached for you. "it’s real," she said softly, nothing she could say was going to sugarcoat that. "but that doesn't mean you've lost everything."

you looked unconvinced, “it feels like i have."

"you haven't." alessia tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "yes you’ve lost a club. not your career. not your talent. not the loving person you are."

you let out a shaky breath. "i don't even know who o am without arsenal."

"then we'll find out." alessia smiled, wiping your cheeks. “but either way i’ll love you all the more”

as you mumbled ‘i love you’ back as the tears started again but this time, when you cried, you weren’t curled up alone in a bathroom after another meeting with your agent.

you weren’t staring at headlines in the middle of the night. you weren’t carrying the weight of twenty years by herself.

alessia was holding you through every shaking breath, one hand rubbing slow circles across your back and for the first time since january, you felt something other than panic.

it wasn't certainty. it wasn't hope, not fully.

but wrapped in the arms of the person you loved, with the truth finally out in the open, the pressure in your chest eased just enough for you to breathe again.

mario and carol were sat opposite deep in conversation with luca’s wife, lauren as luca was arguing with gio about something football related while rosa was soundly asleep as alessia was trying to convince you to eat something that wasn’t just chips.

“two more bites of your sandwich,” alessia negotiated picking up the triangle shaped sandwich and handing it closer to you

you narrowed her eyes, dropping the colouring crayon out of your hand. “three chips and a bite.” alessia sighed before nodding knowing it was either that or you wouldn’t eat it.

“you drive a hard bargain.” gio snorted from beside them, scrolling through his phone while he waited for the food to arrive. that was when you spotted the screen.

“who’s that?” you asked, leaning dramatically across the table.

gio glanced down. “just one of my friends, that i went to school with when i was as big as you.”

swipe.

“and who’s that?”

“that’s someone i did a shoot with.”

swipe.

“and—” gio stopped. a photo of alexia putellas in a london city lionesses shirt filled the screen.

your eyes widened instantly. “ALEXIA!” you gasped, nearly spilling your juice carton all down yourself.

alessia smiled despite herself. “good spotting, lovie.”

“she’s moving to london city,” gio explained, still looking at the post. “looks like the announcement’s official now.”

that was all the information you needed. your little forehead scrunched in concentration as she stared at the phone, then looked around the table.

alexia. london city. your auntie mary. london. alexia. your auntie mary.

alessia watched the exact moment her daughter connected the dots.

“i’m going to live with auntie mary.” you said so sure of yourself as the table fell silent as luca blinked slowly only hearing the last part of the conversation.

carol lowered her fork, a small smile hidden behind her mouth as gio looked like he might choke from laughing.

alessia turned slowly to her daughter. “you’re going to what?”

“live with auntie mary,” you repeated confidently, arms folding this time to seem more serious.

“right,” alessia said carefully, placing her glass down on the table. “and why exactly are you moving out?”

gio held up his phone. “i think she’s figured out that mary plays for london city now too.”

you nodded enthusiastically. “if i live with mary, then i can go to training with her and see alexia every day.”

luca burst out laughing.“that’s actually a pretty good plan for a five year old,” he admitted.

“thank you,” you said proudly, as you climbed over to sit with your mummy on her seat.

alessia pressed her lips together to stop herself laughing too hard. “lovie, that’s not really how it works.”

you frowned as you looked up at her. “why not?”

“because,” alessia said gently, brushing a curl away from your face, “auntie mary has her own house and her own training schedule, and alexia has hers. you can’t just move in with someone so you can see your football idol every day.”

you considered this very seriously, even though it didn’t make much sense to you. to you it was an excellent plan. “even if i help tidy up?” you asked, knowing adults liked when things were tidy.

gio snorted into his drink. “still a no, kiddo” alessia said, laughing now. you sighed dramatically, the kind only children could manage. the world was ending in your eyes.

alessia nudged your knee. “also, everyone at arsenal would miss you far too much.”

you looked up immediately. “really?”

“really.” alessia echoed as you nodded slightly.

“all of them?”

“all of them.”

“even lotte?”

“especially lotte.”

that seemed to satisfy you.“that’s true,” you admitted.

“oh?” alessia asked, wonding where this sense of sudden confidence had come from. “and how do you know that?”

you sat up straighter, suddenly very pleased with yourself. “cause rara told me i bring the vibes.”

there was a beat of silence before the entire table erupted into laughter. “she said what?” alessia asked through a laugh.

“that i bring the vibes,” you repeated importantly. “and training is way more fun when i’m there.”

“that sounds exactly like something kyra would say,” luca said, shaking his head. mario chuckled. “i think tiny might be right.”

alessia wrapped an arm around your shoulders. “well, arsenal would definitely struggle without their official vibes manager.”

you beamed. “so i should stay?”

“i think so.” alessia nodded as if she’d even considered letting your elusive plan go through.

“but can i still meet alexia sometimes?”

“of course you can, i’ll try and make it happen” alessia promised as you gave an excited smile.

you relaxed against her side, apparently satisfied with the arrangement. “okay,” you decided. “i’ll stay with you.”

alessia kissed the top of her head. “thanks, lovie. i was worried i was about to lose my daughter to the transfer window rumours.”

“i was only considering it,” you informed your mummy very matter of the factly.

“how very kind of you but can you now finished your lunch please?” alessia asked nicely bringing your place of half eaten sandwiches and chips back in front of you.

“i guess so, but can i still wear my barcelona shirt when i see alexia?” alessia groaned while the rest of the family laughed again. you only grinned wider.

the photographer was still setting up for the next round of content, giving everyone a forty-five minute break. most of the squad had scattered, majority were making coffees while others were just chilling in the players' lounge.

you however… you were hunched over a laptop at one of tables, your phone wedged between your shoulder and ear. three colour coded notebooks open around you, tabs multiplying across your screen faster than you could close them.

"...no, i understand that's your policy..." you pinched the bridge of your nose, a huff coming from your lips. "...i'm just asking if moving the seating plan by two tables really requires an entirely new floor plan."

silence followed by another pause. you closed your eyes in frustration, "...right"

click. the call ended.

you let your forehead fall against the laptop with a soft thunk, for exactly three seconds before sitting back up.

- email.

- venue.

- spreadsheet

- guest list

- budget

- accommodation

- transport

you clicked between documents so quickly even you couldn't exactly be sure what you'd been trying to do anymore. "why isn't this saving?" you groaned, hitting the save button repeatedly.

nothing.

"...you've got to be jokin'!" you huffed the screen loading and that annoying little buffer sign spinning annoyingly, taunting you and again nothing.

"oh, come on." you whispered, the laptop had now frozen that stupid little buffer sign now sitting still in the middle of your screen.

you stared blankly at it in disbelief, "no, surely not-"

click. nothing"

"no, no don't you dare."

click. but still nothing.

your jaw clenched, your patience running thinner "you've actually got to kidding me-"

across the room, beth looked up from where she'd been arguing with alessia over a game of monopoly deal. "...is she talking to herself?"

katie glanced over, putting her cup of coffee down on the table nearby, "she's been sat there for half an hour"

leah frowned, looking over with a furrowed brow "i thought she was just editing media stuff"

"no," beth laughed, loudly. "she's deep in the wedding planning."

"still?" leah questioned as beth nodded, it being a common theme for you at the minute.

katie just looked over her shoulder, "didn't she spend four hours doing that yesterday?"

"no, five," alessia corrected absentmindedly before looking back at the card game they were playing. alessia had stopped keeping track as you insisted you were fine and had everything happily under control and that you were really enjoying the planning process

and alessia had believed her, mostly. until now as you let out another frustrated groan from across the room.

"that makes absolutely no sense." you swore, thinking aloud as your head sunk into your hands, your mind spinning in circles.

katie wandered over first, placing a hand on your shoulder as she sat beside you, "you al'right?"

you took your head out your hands quickly but you barely looked up from the screen as you hummed a little in response to katie's question.

"your a terrible liar"

"'m fine."

katie looked at the screen, eyes widening wonder how on earth you were able to make any sense of what was on the screen, it just being filled with words and charts. "...what are you supposed to be lookin' at?"

"it's not matching." you pointed to the screen, katie nodding her head as if she understood but really she was still just as clueless if not even more so.

"what isn't?" she asked as you turned your head to look at her, seeing the confused look on her face.

"the seating software." you said as if it was the most obvious answer katie could able come up with.

katie blinked, "sorry.. the what?"

you sighed, "the seating software." you repeated a little louder this time.

katie looked genuinely horrified but still confused before asking. "there's software for stuff like that?"

"there are seventeen different seating software programmes." you pointed out, only knowing that because you had tried each and every single one out before deciding on the one you were using, deeming it the best on however you were now having doubts.

"...why?"

"i don't know!" your voice cracked with frustration the stupid software starting to buffer again, "i just need it to work!"

katie slowly stood back up, lingering for a minute watching as you stared intently at the screen she was slightly worried your eyes may turn square. "i'll be back in a minute"

within minutes beth, leah and caitlin had all wandered over, crowding around the table alongside katie.

beth pointed at the screen sitting in the seat katie previously had been, "so..." you nodded distractedly, humming to acknowledge their presence. "...what's wrong?"

you gestured helplessly at the screen which hadn't been making sense to you for the last hour, "everything,"

leah leaned in over the top looking at your laptop, "you've got spreadsheets linked to spreadsheets.." you nodded as leah continued to analyse your work, "and colour coding... and formulas?... what do you need them for?"

"and...is that a seating simulation?" leah continued as you dropped your head back into your hands mumbling a 'yes'

there was a brief silence before beth eventually spoke, ".. you are aware people usually use pegs and plates for that type of thing..."

you lifted your head and turned to look at beth like she'd just suggested setting the venue on fire. "it's our wedding."

"yeah?"

"it has to be perfect."

leah softened, a concerned look flashing across her face at your words, "y/n..."

"what if someone can't see because they're behind a flower arrangement?"

"...could always move the flowers?" beth pointed out as you dismissed it straight away.

"and what if cousins who don't like each other get put too close together?"

"...move the cousins?" caitlin suggested but again you dismissed it straight away.

"what if—"

"y/n." leah said sternly over the top of your voice as you stopped talking. leah exchanging a glance with beth who nodded understanding the signal as she quietly slipped away.

"so..." katie whispered, trying to bring the sound back to another conversation that wasn't colour schemes and seating arrangements.

"where are you going?" caitlin asking spinning a little as she watched beth back away a little

"i'm getting her fiancée." beth called out walking straight in the direction of your blonde wife to be.

alessia was halfway through having photos taken when when appeared beside the backdrop.

"less." beth called over a worried look on her face as alessia looked up and around for the sound of the voice before landing on beth sending her a smile.

"i think your future wife might be having a breakdown."

alessia immediately lowered the football she'd been holding, brows furrowing immediately. "what?"

beth nodded towards the lounge, alessia following the movement and seeing you sat once again with that laptop.  "she's been wrestling with seating plans for about forty minutes now." beth said as alessia looked between beth and you.

"and?" alessia waited knowing there was something else as this was the 'norm' for you at the minute.

"and i think she's genuinely considering fighting the laptop." beth continued, as alessia hummed she knew there was going to be something else.

alessia's smiled faintly. "that bad?"

"less..." beth's grin and usual joker expression disappeared, "i don't think she's okay."

the smile slipped from alessia's face as she thanked the photographer before quietly making her way across the room. spotting you immediately still exactly where she'd left you after the first round of media attention.

your shoulders still tense and jaw tight with hair messier than usual from repeatedly running your hands through it. your eyes glued to the screen with an intensity normally reserved for major finals.

you didn't even notice alessia walking up behind you. alessia looked at the screen: seven different tabs, an inbox overflowing with unread replies, a spreadsheet she'd never be able to understand, notes, timelines, colour codes, checklists half written.

you had done all this... for one day. a day just for the two of you. the thought made alessia's chest squeeze.

without saying a word, alessia stepped behind your chair and wrapped both arms gently around your shoulders. you startled slightly at the sudden contact, but you knew exactly who it would be. "..hi"

alessia rested her chin against the top of your head. "hi"

you immediately reached for the keyboard again. "i've nearly fixed it." a sense of achievement in your tone slightly, however it came across more tiredly than you expected.

"you've said that for the last hour babe" alessia said sweetly, knowing you and your stubbornness that you wouldn't leave it be until there was a sense of accomplishment.

"but.. but i actually have this time." you said quietly, tapping away at the keyboard.

"y/n."

"i'm serious." you quipped back, your brow creasing with concentration as you carried on tapping away furiously at the keyboard.

"i know." alessia kissed your hair. "so serious you've forgotten you've not eaten lunch."

you paused. "...have i?" you asked looking around the room for signs of lunch but there wasn't any, everyone else was back to doing their media duties so you had in fact missed lunch,

"you've also ignored three messages from me." alessia listed her arms tightening around you.

"...did i?" you reached for your phone and along with messages to do with the wedding also sat alessia's messages which you hadn't even remember popping up on the screen.

"and you've been frowning so hard i'm worried your face is going to stay like that." alessia pointed out as she poked at your cheek with her nail.

you couldn't help the tiny smile. "it might."

alessia gently slid the laptop a few inches away and immediately you reached for it. "no."

alessia reached first, closing it with a soft click as you gasped dramatically as if she had just personally offended you. "babe-"

"no." alessia deadpanned looking at you dead in the eyes.

"but my work, our wedding"

"it'll still be there tomorrow."

"it won't if i don't—"

"it will, i promise baby" alessia said constantly as she held you hand in hers before kissing the top of your head again.

you sighed, leaning slightly back into her feeling somewhat of comfort for the first time since you arrived at training.

"it has to be perfect" your voice was quieter now, smaller and more vulnerable "its just.." you swallowed, the words on the tip of your tongue, "i only get to marry you once"

alessia felt her heart ache that little bit more cause you weren't stressed because you cared about centrepieces or the seating charts or the colour of the table linen.

you were stressed because every decision carried the same thought. this is the day i marry the love of my life.

alessia loosened one arm before gently taking your hand. "y/n." alessias blue eyes finally meeting yours, "i don't care if someone sits three chairs further away."

you opened your mouth to try and interrupt but alessia shut you down, "i don't care if the flowers aren't exactly the right shade."

"they're not—"

"i don't care if it rains." alessia carried on, before shrugging slightly "it probably will"

that drew a weak laughter from you as you agreed "it probably will."

"and do you know why?" alessia asked as you shook your head, "because i'm marrying you"

alessia brushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear."i could marry you in a registry office with two plastic chairs and a tesco meal deal afterwards."

you just laughed, as alessia continued, “i'm serious!"

"i know."

"the only thing i've ever cared about..." alessia leaned forward until your foreheads rested together. "...is that, at the end of the aisle, it's you waiting for me."

your eyes shimmered as you nodded lightly, alessia carrying on with her loving words, "so stop trying to build the perfect wedding."

a thumb brushed gently across your cheek. "because the moment you asked me to marry you..." alessia smiled, impossibly soft pressing a quick kiss to your lips, "...it was already perfect."

you breath caught. every spreadsheet, sleepless night, colour comparison, frantic email, backup plan, every moment you’d spent worrying...

all because you wanted alessia to have the best day of her life. and alessia... alessia had never needed any of it. she just needed you.

you let out a shaky laugh. "i hate how easily you fix me."

"i don't."

"no?"

"i quite enjoy reminding my future wife she's allowed to breathe." alessia smiled, kissing the side of your head as you finally stood, turning in alessia's arms until you could wrap both of hers tightly around her waist.

you buried her face into alessia's neck. "i love you."

"i love you too." alessia whispered into the side of your ear.

"i just wanted it to be worthy of you." you whispered, while it was quiet alessia still heard and felt every word as she held you a little tighter.

"you are."

you frowned, "the wedding"

"no." alessia shook her head lightly before pulling back just enough to look you in the eyes. "you." your eyes filled despite yourself.

across the room, beth nudged katie. a proud smile spreading across beth's lips. "told you she'd sort it"

katie watched you melt completely against alessia. "its actually disgustingly cute"

leah smiled over the rim of her water bottle, standing like a proud mum, "no." she watched as alessia pressed a gentle kiss against your forehead before leading you away from the abandoned laptop and towards the lunch room.

katie looked at the screen, eyes widening wonder how on earth you were able to make any sense of what was on the screen, it just being filled with words and charts. '...what are you supposed to be lookin' at?"

"it's not matching." you pointed to the screen, katie nodding her head as if she understood but really she was still just as clueless if not even more so.

"what isn't?" she asked as you turned your head to look at her, seeing the confused look on her face.

"the seating software." you said as if it was the most obvious answer katie could able come up with.