β Β one gets so used to oneβs own horrors, one forgets how they must seem to other people. Β β
β Β you remind me what love lives in this skin. Β β
βΒ you are the most phantom-like of all; you are a mere dream. Β β
βΒ iβm not telling you a story so much as a shipwreckβthe places floating, finally legible. Β β
β Β the world was made so we can find each other in it. Β β
β Β the night isnβt dark; the world is dark. stay with me a little longer. Β β
β Β i want you desperately. i want your strength and your softness, your hands, all of you.Β β
β Β is that too much to expect? that i would name the stars for you?Β β
β Β against your cheek my hand is warm and full of tenderness. Β β
β Β the world grows green again when you smile. Β β
β Β your share of pains would fill a sea. Β β
β Β iβm so stuck on the βwasβ of people. Β β
β Β what i love in you is your power of loving, a bit wild, a bit primitive, but absolute.Β β
β Β i like figuring you out. you are so human and puzzling.Β β
βΒ the unwillingness to try is worse than any failure. Β β
β Β you wanted happiness. i canβt blame you for that.Β β
β Β i did violence to my own heart. Β β
β Β i donβt know how to stay tender with this much blood in my mouth. Β β
β Β like a magpie, i am a scavenger of shiny things: fairy tales and dead languages. Β β
β Β and here you come with a shield for a heart and a sword for a tongue. Β β
β Β you kiss the back of my legs and i want to cry.Β Β only the sun has come this close, only the sun. Β β
β Β sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof youβve been ruined. Β β
β Β when will it cease, this monstrous rage of yours?Β β
β Β i will plant my hands in the garden. i will grow, i know, i know. Β β
β Β i had it all and i want it back again. Β β
β Β i donβt care about anyone, and the feeling is quite obviously mutual. Β β
β Β we are two reflections that cross swords with each other. Β β
β Β as for me, i am a watercolour. i wash off. Β β
β Β do you dare send me away as though you were were waiting for something better?Β β
βΒ my dear, you are in danger of being burned by your own flame.Β β
β Β i am three oceans away from my soul. Β β
βΒ you, occasionally, glimmer with a light iβve never seen before. it frightens me. Β β
β Β i went to sleep last night so i could see you. Β β
βΒ even the eyes of gods must adjust to light. even gods have gods. Β β
β Β how much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before itβs some kind of murder?Β β
β Β it does me no good to be good to me now. Β β
β Β i may look alright, but if you were to look more closely you wouldnβt find a single healthy bit in me.Β β
β Β i must clothe myself in other worlds. Β β
β Β suffering is the privilege of those who feel.Β β
β Β sorry about the blood in your mouth. i wish it was mine. Β β
β Β the vigor, the fire, that enables you to love and create. when you lose that, youβve lost everything.Β β
βΒ i can be bold, because i have you with me always. Β β
βΒ you are shaking fists and trembling teeth. i know: you did not mean to be cruel. that does not mean you were kind. Β β
β Β not that i want to be a god or a hero, just to change into a tree,Β grow for ages, not hurt anyone. Β β
β Β i laughed today. for a second i was unhaunted. Β β
β Β you are sunlight through a window, which i stand in, warmed. Β β
β Β thereβs something electric in your blood.Β β
β Β you say you are broken,Β Β but broken mirrors like you create the most beautiful patterns of light. Β β
β Β time doesnβt obey our commands. Β β
β Β i love you quite passionately, and with a touch of tragedy. Β β
β Β to feel anything deranges you. to be seen feeling anything strips you naked. Β β
β Β i love you β like a storm bursts overhead β i must confess it; all the more fiercely because you burn and bite. Β β
βΒ and i have seen rivers, not unlike you, that failed to find their way back. Β β
βΒ i am less a god now that youβve touched me.Β β
βΒ your words are gentle; but my blood runs cold to think what plots you may be nursing deep within your heart.Β β
β Β you said i killed you β haunt me then. Β β
βΒ your soul is frail and solemn, loyal and spring-like. Β β
β Β you look like youβve eaten the sun, like you drank so much sunlight youβre drowning in it. Β β
βΒ strangeness is a necessary ingredient in beauty. Β β
β Β you will hear thunder and remember me. Β β
β Β ever think itβs possible for us to be happy?Β β
β Β and i would wonder across all the deserts of this world, even after death, to search for you. Β β
β Β since weβre bound to be something, why not together?Β β
β Β i am ashes were once i was fire. Β β
β Β this mouth will destroy you the moment you mistake it for something soft, for something that is yours. Β β
β Β itβs no easy thing to bear, the weight of sweetness. Β β
βΒ kill the light! iβd rather wallow in the dark. Β β
β Β i have thought of you often since the darkness. Β β
β Β with your presence the sun becomes irrelevant. Β β
βΒ there is no god left in this skin. thereβs just the ash. just the ash. Β β
β Β open your eyes, look more sharply, see me as i am. Β β
β Β what the hell is tragedy? i am.Β β
β Β iβve got a lot of feeling for you. youβre kind. Β β
β Β how beautiful it is, how beautiful, that glow before the stars break. Β β
β Β so much to do today: kill memory, kill pain, turn heart into a stone, and yet prepare to live again. Β β
β Β i am myself. that is not enough. Β β
β Β i may be mad, god-seized, but i will stand outside my madness. Β β
β Β my power, which to me is still a curse βΒ β
β Β ocean sea with its caressing swell; it has so often cooled my heart.Β β
βΒ do you bathe in perfume, and dry yourself in light?Β β
βΒ i like you; your eyes are full of language. Β β
β Β let me tell you what i do know.Β Β i am more than one thing and not all of those things are good.Β β
β Β you are the cause and the cure β both.Β β
β Β i have kisses for the back of your neck. Β β
β Β your beautiful glance is unbearably cruel. Β β
β Β we might meet again, someday between dreams at dawn. Β β
β Β suffering is a terrible fire; it either purifies or destroys. Β β
βΒ lately it hurts more to imagine you are a stranger rather than a destroyer. Β β
β Β and i say to myself: a moon will rise from my darkness. Β β
β Β since you walked out on me, iβm getting lovelier by the hour. i glow like a corpse in the dark. Β β
βΒ i will not whine. i will obey and be forever still. Β β
β Β you move like the moon. Β β
β Β my eyes ache with the weight of unshed tears.Β β
β Β in your eyes, the fires of twilight. Β β
β Β do not haunt my soul; i have done well forgetting you. Β β
β Β i am no one. i cannot love. itβs in my blood. Β β
β Β youβre wearing your armor to protect your heart. who can blame you? it only makes sense in a world like this one.Β β
β Β you are not real. you are a dream of a dream. Β β
β Β there are so many things iβm not allowed to tell you.Β β
β Β i am indeed a shameless, evil-minded and abominable creature. Β β
β Β come this evening β i am eager for stars. Β β
β Β i am on fire with that soft sound you make, in uttering my name. Β β
β Β i want you mostly in the morning when my soul is weak from dreaming. Β β
β Β to me you are the desert and the sea; everything secretive. Β β
β Β i thought i was wounded to the core but i was only bruised. Β β
β Β it is a dead heart. it is inside of me. it is a stranger. Β β
β Β i live β but iβm mutilated. Β β
β Β if there is a light then i am going to swallow it.Β Β if there is a god then iβm going to make him cry. Β β
β Β i am condemned to be a saint or a monster: unable to be the one, unwilling to be the other.Β β
β Β you will open your wounds and make them a garden. Β β
β Β i come home β and i feel like a ghost returning its haunt. Β β
β Β i planted roses, but without you they were thorns. Β β
β Β everything inside me is in revolt. Β β
βΒ how this darkness soaks me through and through. Β β
β Β give me my robe, put on my crown; i have immortal longings in me. Β β
β Β say something dangerous like i love you. Β β
β Β listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?Β β
β Β in times of crisis, we must decide again and again whom we love. Β β
β Β breathe the scent of little, earthly things. let the twilight touch you.Β β
βΒ my heart is just like the ocean, has storm and calm and tides. Β β
β Β you became for me a sacred being, not to be touched save in adoring thoughts. Β β
β Β gods are stubborn. so am i. Β β
β Β is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?Β β
β Β thereβs something soft in me. i killed it and itβs rotting. Β β
β Β beware. beware. there is a tenderness. Β β
β Β half gods are worshipped in wine and flowers. real gods require blood.Β β
β Β iβm alive. like a wound, a flower in the flesh, the path of aching blood is open within me. Β β
β Β you dangle on the leash of your own longing; your need grows teeth. Β β
β Β i have it in meβ¦to scare myself with my own desert places. Β β
β Β my mouth still houses century-old magic.Β Β Β in my ears i hear a ringing and singing and no god. Β β
β Β keep talking. iβll keep walking toward the sound of your voice.Β β
β Β iβm full of poetry now. rot and poetry. rotten poetry. Β β
β Β this skin is sick with loneliness. Β β
βΒ memories are sharp. they bite. i have spent most of my life trying to grow a thicker skin just to make sure i would not bleed out whenever i felt those teeth scrape up against me. Β β
β Β i wonder if i will ever find a language to speak of the things that haunt me the most. Β β
β Β after fury, what do you do with the remains?Β β
β Β come on, dance with me. the earth is spinning. we canβt just stand on it. Β β
β Β letβs admit, without apology, what we do together.Β β
β Β try to find the right place for yourself. if you canβt find it, at least dream of it. Β β
β Β it takes grace to remain kind in cruel situations. Β β
β Β i am too full of life to be half-loved. Β β
βΒ today you want nothing because wanting comes too close to feeling. Β β
β Β thereβs nothing more terrible, more alluring, more mysterious than love. Β β
β Β heavenly wine and roses seem to whisper to me when you smile. Β β
β Β my soul is devoutly and wholly under your spell. Β β
β Β will you see the human in my being?Β β
βΒ if i had a flower for every time i thought of youβ¦i could walk through my garden forever. Β β
βΒ part broken part whole, you begin again. Β β
β Β i donβt know if loveβs a feeling. sometimes i think itβs a matter of seeing. seeing you. Β β
β Β i wonder which will get you killed faster, your loyalty or your stubbornness?Β β
βΒ whether you come as a lover or an exeutioner, i am ready to receive you. Β β
β Β i think i understand your longing. it looks so much like mine. Β β
βΒ iβve had so many knives stuck into me. when they hand me a flower, i canβt quite make out what it is. Β β
β Β i like the sea: we understand one another. it is always yearning, sighing for something it cannot have; so am i. Β β
β Β do i not live? badly, i know, but i live.Β β
β Β something of you stuck with me. a splinter. Β β
β Β i clung to your hands so that something human might exist in the chaos. Β β
β Β sometimes i shut my eyes, and shut my heart towards you, and try hard to forget you because you grieve me so, but youβll never go away. oh you never will. Β β
β Β my golden love, if only you knew, what precious honey you are for me. Β β
β Β i had an old wound once, but it is healing.Β β
β Β always this in-betweenness, this almost, this it might be thatβ¦Β β
βΒ when i close my eyes, i see you. when i open my eyes i want to see you. Β β
β Β dark as it is β you see, that little flickering, is the light of my soul. Β β
β Β am i a monster or is this what it means to be a person?Β β
β Β i am talking about evil. it blooms. it eats. it grins.Β β
β Β sapphires are those eyes of yours, ravishingly sweet. Β β