โ ย one gets so used to oneโs own horrors, one forgets how they must seem to other people. ย โ
โ ย you remind me what love lives in this skin. ย โ
โย you are the most phantom-like of all; you are a mere dream. ย โ
โย iโm not telling you a story so much as a shipwreckโthe places floating, finally legible. ย โ
โ ย the world was made so we can find each other in it. ย โ
โ ย the night isnโt dark; the world is dark. stay with me a little longer. ย โ
โ ย i want you desperately. i want your strength and your softness, your hands, all of you.ย โ
โ ย is that too much to expect? that i would name the stars for you?ย โ
โ ย against your cheek my hand is warm and full of tenderness. ย โ
โ ย the world grows green again when you smile. ย โ
โ ย your share of pains would fill a sea. ย โ
โ ย iโm so stuck on the โwasโ of people. ย โ
โ ย what i love in you is your power of loving, a bit wild, a bit primitive, but absolute.ย โ
โ ย i like figuring you out. you are so human and puzzling.ย โ
โย the unwillingness to try is worse than any failure. ย โ
โ ย you wanted happiness. i canโt blame you for that.ย โ
โ ย i did violence to my own heart. ย โ
โ ย i donโt know how to stay tender with this much blood in my mouth. ย โ
โ ย like a magpie, i am a scavenger of shiny things: fairy tales and dead languages. ย โ
โ ย and here you come with a shield for a heart and a sword for a tongue. ย โ
โ ย you kiss the back of my legs and i want to cry.ย ย only the sun has come this close, only the sun. ย โ
โ ย sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof youโve been ruined. ย โ
โ ย when will it cease, this monstrous rage of yours?ย โ
โ ย i will plant my hands in the garden. i will grow, i know, i know. ย โ
โ ย i had it all and i want it back again. ย โ
โ ย i donโt care about anyone, and the feeling is quite obviously mutual. ย โ
โ ย we are two reflections that cross swords with each other. ย โ
โ ย as for me, i am a watercolour. i wash off. ย โ
โ ย do you dare send me away as though you were were waiting for something better?ย โ
โย my dear, you are in danger of being burned by your own flame.ย โ
โ ย i am three oceans away from my soul. ย โ
โย you, occasionally, glimmer with a light iโve never seen before. it frightens me. ย โ
โ ย i went to sleep last night so i could see you. ย โ
โย even the eyes of gods must adjust to light. even gods have gods. ย โ
โ ย how much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before itโs some kind of murder?ย โ
โ ย it does me no good to be good to me now. ย โ
โ ย i may look alright, but if you were to look more closely you wouldnโt find a single healthy bit in me.ย โ
โ ย i must clothe myself in other worlds. ย โ
โ ย suffering is the privilege of those who feel.ย โ
โ ย sorry about the blood in your mouth. i wish it was mine. ย โ
โ ย the vigor, the fire, that enables you to love and create. when you lose that, youโve lost everything.ย โ
โย i can be bold, because i have you with me always. ย โ
โย you are shaking fists and trembling teeth. i know: you did not mean to be cruel. that does not mean you were kind. ย โ
โ ย not that i want to be a god or a hero, just to change into a tree,ย grow for ages, not hurt anyone. ย โ
โ ย i laughed today. for a second i was unhaunted. ย โ
โ ย you are sunlight through a window, which i stand in, warmed. ย โ
โ ย thereโs something electric in your blood.ย โ
โ ย you say you are broken,ย ย but broken mirrors like you create the most beautiful patterns of light. ย โ
โ ย time doesnโt obey our commands. ย โ
โ ย i love you quite passionately, and with a touch of tragedy. ย โ
โ ย to feel anything deranges you. to be seen feeling anything strips you naked. ย โ
โ ย i love you โ like a storm bursts overhead โ i must confess it; all the more fiercely because you burn and bite. ย โ
โย and i have seen rivers, not unlike you, that failed to find their way back. ย โ
โย i am less a god now that youโve touched me.ย โ
โย your words are gentle; but my blood runs cold to think what plots you may be nursing deep within your heart.ย โ
โ ย you said i killed you โ haunt me then. ย โ
โย your soul is frail and solemn, loyal and spring-like. ย โ
โ ย you look like youโve eaten the sun, like you drank so much sunlight youโre drowning in it. ย โ
โย strangeness is a necessary ingredient in beauty. ย โ
โ ย you will hear thunder and remember me. ย โ
โ ย ever think itโs possible for us to be happy?ย โ
โ ย and i would wonder across all the deserts of this world, even after death, to search for you. ย โ
โ ย since weโre bound to be something, why not together?ย โ
โ ย i am ashes were once i was fire. ย โ
โ ย this mouth will destroy you the moment you mistake it for something soft, for something that is yours. ย โ
โ ย itโs no easy thing to bear, the weight of sweetness. ย โ
โย kill the light! iโd rather wallow in the dark. ย โ
โ ย i have thought of you often since the darkness. ย โ
โ ย with your presence the sun becomes irrelevant. ย โ
โย there is no god left in this skin. thereโs just the ash. just the ash. ย โ
โ ย open your eyes, look more sharply, see me as i am. ย โ
โ ย what the hell is tragedy? i am.ย โ
โ ย iโve got a lot of feeling for you. youโre kind. ย โ
โ ย how beautiful it is, how beautiful, that glow before the stars break. ย โ
โ ย so much to do today: kill memory, kill pain, turn heart into a stone, and yet prepare to live again. ย โ
โ ย i am myself. that is not enough. ย โ
โ ย i may be mad, god-seized, but i will stand outside my madness. ย โ
โ ย my power, which to me is still a curse โย โ
โ ย ocean sea with its caressing swell; it has so often cooled my heart.ย โ
โย do you bathe in perfume, and dry yourself in light?ย โ
โย i like you; your eyes are full of language. ย โ
โ ย let me tell you what i do know.ย ย i am more than one thing and not all of those things are good.ย โ
โ ย you are the cause and the cure โ both.ย โ
โ ย i have kisses for the back of your neck. ย โ
โ ย your beautiful glance is unbearably cruel. ย โ
โ ย we might meet again, someday between dreams at dawn. ย โ
โ ย suffering is a terrible fire; it either purifies or destroys. ย โ
โย lately it hurts more to imagine you are a stranger rather than a destroyer. ย โ
โ ย and i say to myself: a moon will rise from my darkness. ย โ
โ ย since you walked out on me, iโm getting lovelier by the hour. i glow like a corpse in the dark. ย โ
โย i will not whine. i will obey and be forever still. ย โ
โ ย you move like the moon. ย โ
โ ย my eyes ache with the weight of unshed tears.ย โ
โ ย in your eyes, the fires of twilight. ย โ
โ ย do not haunt my soul; i have done well forgetting you. ย โ
โ ย i am no one. i cannot love. itโs in my blood. ย โ
โ ย youโre wearing your armor to protect your heart. who can blame you? it only makes sense in a world like this one.ย โ
โ ย you are not real. you are a dream of a dream. ย โ
โ ย there are so many things iโm not allowed to tell you.ย โ
โ ย i am indeed a shameless, evil-minded and abominable creature. ย โ
โ ย come this evening โ i am eager for stars. ย โ
โ ย i am on fire with that soft sound you make, in uttering my name. ย โ
โ ย i want you mostly in the morning when my soul is weak from dreaming. ย โ
โ ย to me you are the desert and the sea; everything secretive. ย โ
โ ย i thought i was wounded to the core but i was only bruised. ย โ
โ ย it is a dead heart. it is inside of me. it is a stranger. ย โ
โ ย i live โ but iโm mutilated. ย โ
โ ย if there is a light then i am going to swallow it.ย ย if there is a god then iโm going to make him cry. ย โ
โ ย i am condemned to be a saint or a monster: unable to be the one, unwilling to be the other.ย โ
โ ย you will open your wounds and make them a garden. ย โ
โ ย i come home โ and i feel like a ghost returning its haunt. ย โ
โ ย i planted roses, but without you they were thorns. ย โ
โ ย everything inside me is in revolt. ย โ
โย how this darkness soaks me through and through. ย โ
โ ย give me my robe, put on my crown; i have immortal longings in me. ย โ
โ ย say something dangerous like i love you. ย โ
โ ย listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?ย โ
โ ย in times of crisis, we must decide again and again whom we love. ย โ
โ ย breathe the scent of little, earthly things. let the twilight touch you.ย โ
โย my heart is just like the ocean, has storm and calm and tides. ย โ
โ ย you became for me a sacred being, not to be touched save in adoring thoughts. ย โ
โ ย gods are stubborn. so am i. ย โ
โ ย is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?ย โ
โ ย thereโs something soft in me. i killed it and itโs rotting. ย โ
โ ย beware. beware. there is a tenderness. ย โ
โ ย half gods are worshipped in wine and flowers. real gods require blood.ย โ
โ ย iโm alive. like a wound, a flower in the flesh, the path of aching blood is open within me. ย โ
โ ย you dangle on the leash of your own longing; your need grows teeth. ย โ
โ ย i have it in meโฆto scare myself with my own desert places. ย โ
โ ย my mouth still houses century-old magic.ย ย ย in my ears i hear a ringing and singing and no god. ย โ
โ ย keep talking. iโll keep walking toward the sound of your voice.ย โ
โ ย iโm full of poetry now. rot and poetry. rotten poetry. ย โ
โ ย this skin is sick with loneliness. ย โ
โย memories are sharp. they bite. i have spent most of my life trying to grow a thicker skin just to make sure i would not bleed out whenever i felt those teeth scrape up against me. ย โ
โ ย i wonder if i will ever find a language to speak of the things that haunt me the most. ย โ
โ ย after fury, what do you do with the remains?ย โ
โ ย come on, dance with me. the earth is spinning. we canโt just stand on it. ย โ
โ ย letโs admit, without apology, what we do together.ย โ
โ ย try to find the right place for yourself. if you canโt find it, at least dream of it. ย โ
โ ย it takes grace to remain kind in cruel situations. ย โ
โ ย i am too full of life to be half-loved. ย โ
โย today you want nothing because wanting comes too close to feeling. ย โ
โ ย thereโs nothing more terrible, more alluring, more mysterious than love. ย โ
โ ย heavenly wine and roses seem to whisper to me when you smile. ย โ
โ ย my soul is devoutly and wholly under your spell. ย โ
โ ย will you see the human in my being?ย โ
โย if i had a flower for every time i thought of youโฆi could walk through my garden forever. ย โ
โย part broken part whole, you begin again. ย โ
โ ย i donโt know if loveโs a feeling. sometimes i think itโs a matter of seeing. seeing you. ย โ
โ ย i wonder which will get you killed faster, your loyalty or your stubbornness?ย โ
โย whether you come as a lover or an exeutioner, i am ready to receive you. ย โ
โ ย i think i understand your longing. it looks so much like mine. ย โ
โย iโve had so many knives stuck into me. when they hand me a flower, i canโt quite make out what it is. ย โ
โ ย i like the sea: we understand one another. it is always yearning, sighing for something it cannot have; so am i. ย โ
โ ย do i not live? badly, i know, but i live.ย โ
โ ย something of you stuck with me. a splinter. ย โ
โ ย i clung to your hands so that something human might exist in the chaos. ย โ
โ ย sometimes i shut my eyes, and shut my heart towards you, and try hard to forget you because you grieve me so, but youโll never go away. oh you never will. ย โ
โ ย my golden love, if only you knew, what precious honey you are for me. ย โ
โ ย i had an old wound once, but it is healing.ย โ
โ ย always this in-betweenness, this almost, this it might be thatโฆย โ
โย when i close my eyes, i see you. when i open my eyes i want to see you. ย โ
โ ย dark as it is โ you see, that little flickering, is the light of my soul. ย โ
โ ย am i a monster or is this what it means to be a person?ย โ
โ ย i am talking about evil. it blooms. it eats. it grins.ย โ
โ ย sapphires are those eyes of yours, ravishingly sweet. ย โ