Seeking Insight for Flight

By week’s end I am just spent! It’s crazy how exhausting the work week can be, and mine isn’t over either!

Practice today was more of a struggle. Ultimately it was worth it, but I was groggy in the beginning from the lack of sleep I’ve experienced in the last forty-eight hours.

Today was about subtle shifts while in asana. It was awesome to experience how much I could feel just by moving one direction toward the another. For example, in pigeon pose I extended my arms down beside my legs while also moving more on top of my quadriceps. It freed so much tension in both my hips. I also used a block behind my hips for support.

Those subtle exercises I practiced in asana today proved that continuous practice allows you to dig deeper into those corners of the body where stagnation is held. And what is a corner but a place to hold dust and dirt (things that don’t serve us)? Great lesson today!

Brag: I’m feeling positive and going strong!

Desire: To keep pace and get sleep!

Aye-yay-yay! Today’s been a day and it’s not even over yet. Lots of emotions.

I had a crazy shift this morning and hopefully will have a smooth shift tonight. I’ll try and manifest that. Speaking of which, on Tuesday while bartending, these two douche-bags (judgment, I know), or rather, these two young men who I just got a feeling I did not want to deal with came in and got a pitcher. They were using some heavily expletive language and I was really just wanting them to leave without getting drunk or too rowdy, forcing me to have to kick them out. I just kept wanting them to leave and focusing on that feeling (it kind of felt like dwelling?). Eventually they did. I was so relieved. It just proved to me how I could manifest something if I just vibrationally will it to happen. It was kind of weird and crazy and awesome! That was something I wanted to mention that happened this week.

Today’s practice was more of a continuation of yesterday’s I feel. It was very fluid, and my body was sort of sore, but strong, and kept up. What really stood out today was savasana. I cried today while in the pose. I’m sure I was in a meditative state and just felt this surge of emotion. I couldn’t describe it as positive or negative, it was just this emotion. I teared up and started crying a little. It was the first time I felt that in savasana and I know it’s not unusual for people to do that. Maybe there was some growth there?

Brag: I guess you could say I saved the day at work this morning. I was set to train baking again at the café. Turns out the baker who was to train me didn’t show. I had to wait an hour for the manager to get there to unlock the door. I then started baking even though I’ve only just observed previously. Yes, having that extra hour would have been helpful. Yes, I should have just said screw-it and left because it ultimately wasn’t my problem to fix. But I stuck in there and devoted my time to my job, which I think shows a lot about my character to my co-workers, so, hopefully some good karma is coming my way?

Desire: I hope to get some major sleep after this long night I’m about to have. I. Am. Tired. Like woh! Or woe...

Alright, alright, I’ll admit that I did fall short of my commitment to my practice for eight days. Last week I practiced Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (January 25, 26 and 27) and didn’t pick back up until yesterday February 2nd.

I was excited to return to practice via Dylan Werner, a yogi and teacher with a very inspiring Instagram profile. He is currently hosting a three week #PowerUpChallenge through his account. There was an awesome video of him doing a Lizard Lunge Push-Up which I wanted to add to my practice. (Check it out).

A video posted by Dylan Werner (@dylanwerneryoga) on Feb 1, 2016 at 8:25am PST

Today I did a full set of both Sun Salutations (Surya Namaskar A & B). It really got me working and got some toxins out. It felt so good and refreshing. It really was a complete, fulfilling practice.

Brag: After some hiccups, I got back to practice. I know I’ll most likely skip some practices again, but I can’t dwell on the future. All I can do is keep up with the moment and hand.

Desire: I wish to keep up my practice. I feel like I can stick with it. I mean, I’ve practiced more in the past three weeks then I probably ever have and that in and of itself is progress.

Today’s practice had to be brief because I tried to catch-up on sleep. Feeling rested today was more difficult than usual. I kept waking up throughout the morning. It was pretty annoying, but I tried and sleep until I felt rested.

Today I practiced almost exactly 30 minutes, which was planned. It kind of amazes me that the more you practice, the more you know how long it takes to get to a feeling of completion. 

In teacher training we are taught that a truly satisfying practice is typically one hour long. I couldn’t agree more.

When starting a practice there’s the warm-up sequence and then the working sequences of standing, sitting and then on the floor. In each subsequent practice you find yourself desiring more exploration in asana during your work. I feel that the nature of your exploring in asana is on par with forty-five minutes. It’s like the perfect amount of work that challenges you and feels worthwhile. 

Brag: I’ve made it six days and I’m excited to keep pushing myself and exploring. I feel changes in my body already and I guess that also coincides with my attitude. I feel more positive, which is a deep desire of mine.

Desire: I really hope to get back on a more structured gym routine in conjunction with my practicing more. Tomorrow’s Monday, let’s see. I also start my new schedules at work. 

I practiced today like how I wanted. My sacrum is still sore from the previous days practices and I went into work trying to be positive.

For a Friday shift that was pretty busy, I was fucking feeling it! I was ready for whatever and I stuck out the shift without bitching or wishing the hours away. 

Knowing that it was Friday, I knew I could probably make it home and be left to my own devices without the roommate there.

Brag: I got to come home and take a bath. Complete with salts, burning sage and candles. I ain’t mad. 

Desire: i need to keeping moving towards whatever I’m moving to. Keep it up!

Today’s practice was invigorating! My lower back was still bothering me a little, but it didn’t inhibit me from forward bends. I used a block during my bridge sequence to assist with any discomfort in my lower back.

The nice thing was I got a good sweat going which really helped me get over the alcohol I consumed last night and the fact I didn’t show up for work today (yikes)! This was not a case of being too drunk to go in, I actually went to bed at a good time and I didn’t get sloppy drunk, I just didn’t check my schedule because I usually don’t work at that particular job on Thursdays. Oh, well. Live and learn. 

Brag: I made myself some food to eat tonight at work! Curry chicken salad wrap (mmm, mmm, good!)

Desire: I hope to get a dress shirt tomorrow and go get that and my suit tailored for the wedding next weekend.

So my Brag yesterday about wheel pose comes at a Karmic cost. Today while practicing my whole sacral area was not having it. So sore. I’m talking forward bends of any sort. I should have taken my time, but my arms always throw me for a loop when getting into that pose and sometimes I rush it. Lesson learned I suppose.

Other than my sacrum, it was a really good practice. I started with three Sun Salutation As and followed by Bs. I seem to always go to Sun Salutes when I want to warm-up in my practice. This is also true of the classes I taught. My concern in the back of my mind when teaching was that my classes were too similar. But I just love Sun Salutes so much, especially as a warm-up during practice. I think I’ll just keep on doing what I love.

Brag: I’ve been eating pretty consciously this week (or trying). I started with Meatless Monday and have been trying to eat breakfast every day (even if it’s something small like peanut butter toast and an apple).

Desire: I desire to do two things with my teaching: I really want to study more anatomy in regards to yoga. I’ve been reading Ray Long’s book The Key Muscles of Yoga which is an excellent resource! The second is my desire to build my practice up enough so I can get my Ashtanga certification. 

Well I made it to day two of practice. I took it pretty easy in order to wind down after closing at work. I even set the mood with my Himalayan light being the only source of light.

I started in seated position and worked my way into one sun salutation, took time to stretch those hips with pigeon and did more seated work.

I wanted to introduce BDGs to my blog. We always did them at the end of our classes at Element during my teacher training and always liked them. 

Brag: I finally got back into wheel pose (Urdhva Danurasana) tonight! I haven’t been able to do that since before the studio closed (Summer of 2014). I’ve been feeling the desire to get into the pose for the past handful of practices I’ve had. Crazy how your body tells you things if you listen.

Desire: I really want to like my new position at work, but I feel like it’ll be more of the same stuff I already do, but more boring. So I desire to find pleasure and acceptance in the work I do.

So, it’s no secret that I am one of the greatest procrastinators alive. That being said, I’ve known for many a moon that setting resolutions is something I usually dump within 24-hours of committing to them. 

Now that THAT was prefaced, I am trying to commit to develop my personal yoga practice more. Ideally I wanted to start on the first but I was too caught in last year’s hangover. So, here we are ten days later. First practice of the year down. Maybe today is the start to my new year?

I’ve decided to start a “yoga journal” for each daily practice to inspire practicing daily. Fingers crossed!

So today I saw the Yoga Journal headline on Twitter “The 30-Minute Yoga Sequence to Help You Recharge”. The sequence was a designed by Chelsea Jackson. The link is below! The practice was a nice little brief practice if you’re looking for a pick-me up. It really hit the spot!

I wanted to commit to a full hour practice but time constraints effected my decision.

I added some Chaturanga in the practice to transition in and out of the standing poses. 

The thing that attracted me to the sequence was its use of sitting Cat/Cow. I’ve never done that and wondered what it felt like. It was a little weird at first but I think it fit nicely with the other awesome seated poses that followed. 

All in all it was a perfect find for what I was needing/looking for. Try it out! 

It’s unfortunate that I am not spending Thanksgiving Day with my family because I am sick. That being said, I should in no way enjoy my day any less.

I just walked my dog and was fortunate enough to meditate afterwards. With Nala’s gracious presence I came to the conclusion that I’m thankful for our walks together. She is my reminder to always love the world on which I live and appreciate its beauty and ability to heal the soul.

I also got to give gratitude for being by myself today as well. I rarely get the opportunity to spend time away from human beings and having these precious few hours alone is something for which I am thankful. 

I’ll be perfectly blunt to admit that I am no good at, maintaining or keeping contact with those in my life that I’ve “fallen for”. By fallen for I mean my friends and maybe even members of my own family that I’ve grown close to and subsequently, via time and distance, have grown apart from.

I recently attended a wedding of a good friend from college and recently tried to attempt contact with two close friends via e-mail. In both cases, my attempts to reach out have seem to come to some conclusions about my personal relationships.

At the wedding I attended: it was cathartic and surreal. I haven’t seen or spoken to this friend in some time and it was as if I was witnessing the wedding and the  life I missed out on out of my own body. Granted I didn’t have much interaction with my friend because it was her wedding, but I felt no sense of real loss or urgency to hold-on on to a relationship that I know is treasured by myself and my friend. It was nice to just witness.

The two friends I e-mailed to give a quick update to haven’t responded. I don’t know if the e-mail was put in their spam or simply hasn’t been responded to, but I don’t see the point in reaching out when I don’t feel as though I won’t be received anyway.

I am trying to make strides and all I see is resistance. I find myself more and more without people with which to share my journey unlike in years past. I don’t know where to find someone to relate to anymore. I constantly find these “moment people”. Persons who occupy or embody a certain way of thought or way of living that is similar to me for only a certain amount of time. There are very few now and those few aren’t in touch.

My sister doesn’t even want to talk unless it’s to answer some question about some trivial box of shit I don’t want.

So, I’ve tried many a times to change my habits/behaviors before like I’m sure many others have, but when I sit myself down, rather lay down, I’m kept awake by the thought of is change possible? The changes I present to myself?

Am I to believe that I can quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey is possible when I’ve tried to quit before. I made it one month a couple of years ago and all it took to revert back was a mix-up from a delivery at work that I happened to take to a customer.

Well, I’m here again. It’s been four weeks and six days since I’ve had a cigarette. Well, since last smoked a cigarette from a pack I bought at least. I won’t be too hard on myself. My hiccups have been minuscule comparatively.

I am constantly thinking about why is it sticking now? What circumstance surrounds it? And what will break it?

Granted I have had motivation from co-workers to inspire my desire to “one-up” them, but that can only be as strong as Rumplementz. How do I keep from buying a pack? It amazes me sometimes how much control I’ve executed.

I’ve been sort of meditating (or is it obsessing) over it and the only conclusion that comes to me is that I DO actually want to change. I desire that change so much that I have made myself realize that I have to embody that change.

But with this new found role in myself, changes are coming that I hadn’t really expected. I drink less. A LOT less as a result of me not wanting to set-off my trigger to smoke. And this, too, has resulted in many more things coming to the surface.

When it rains it pours, right? Even when the rain is needed.

I hope to find out more along the way and I just felt the need to write it down. I need to journal because I’ve sort of isolated myself as a result of all this transformation and finding someone to relate right now is going to take some sifting.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll be smoking and drinking this time next week?