The Vicious Wolf Inside

I don't understand this world sometimes. Changes happen like every now and then. Sometimes slowly but sometimes gradual. You look at the past and think: How the hell did that happen? Changes are stressful. If only things can move within your favor all the time, life could be easier. That is what I always think, that I can manipulate situations or people. We can. We have the ability to manipulate these things but they will always fall into their place and when they do, it's painful and frustrating. They say changes are good. They make you grow. Often I wonder, how does a breakup, a death or a farewell makes one stronger if naturally it is in his/her nature that coping with these things is difficult. Not only hard but personally damaging.

Why are you still awake? Looking at your exes and stalking them? Seeing how they become after a tragic breakup? Or endlessly scrolling to 9gag, giving a half smile or often times chuckling alone then realizing yes, you are alone. Playing an online game and in the verge of this, you feel so hungry and frustrated? Looking at different stuff online and wanting to buy these stuff but realize you are poor. Chatting with an old friend? Chatting with a potential boyfriend/girlfriend? Flirting? Finding a sexmate in the wee hours? Preparing food? Drinking alcohol? Smoking weeds? Taking drugs? Tell me. Why are you awake?

I was high. Really high. Escape.

Nakakainis yung feeling na mas madami ka pa tanong tapos wala ka nakukuhang sagot. Bakit? Paano? Kailan? Tapos wala. Walang sasagot sayo. Hindi polido. Hindi konkreto. Walang perpektong sagot. Madalas nga walang sagot. Tangna. Araw-araw tinatanong mo sarili mo pero araw araw na lumilipas naghahanap ka ng sagot pero wala eh. Ang hirap maghanap ng sagot sa bagay na puro takas ang ginagawa mo. Sinasabi nila na puro ka lang takas. Totoo walang solusyon sa gantong paraan. Harapin mo. Pero maiisip mo minsan, natatakot ka sa sagot kaya pilit mong tinatakbuhan. Kung ano man feeling yung nakukuha mo ayaw mo mawala yun. Diba? Sana bukas pag mulat ng mata mo tapos na yung problema. Wala na lahat. Pero hindi eh. Life is unfair ika nga. Pero unfair kung laging fair. Kung pwede lang. Kung pwede lang hanggang dito lang di matapos na. Puro tanong lang. Walang masasaktan. Walang lalayo. Walang drama.

The night is so young and so are we. That type of night when you feel so free. The lights. The crowd. The drink. All of it makes you either dizzy and overthink. You look at the horizon and feel your youth. The guilt that you shouldn’t be there and faced by the truth. You were back to square one, back to feeding your ego. Loud music. Long stares. Confusing lights. It’s closing in. Any moment now. The night shall end and so is the feeling. Escape. That’s what I exactly think right now. Escape from what? Such pathetic excuse with no answer but selfishness. At a far distant tomorrow, I felt some needle point at the heart. It’s a disease of overthinking. I felt myself slipping away from the night and the crowd. I don’t know if it feels great but losing senses in the midst isn’t exactly in my mind right now. Not part of the plan. In a snap everything went blank and the next thing I knew I’m in someone’s bed. Confused. Lost. Partially may have been kidnapped by alcohol. I was in a place where I shouldn’t be. I’m with someone I shouldn’t be with. It was so wrong in many levels. 

3:11AM. I should be sleeping but oh wait there’s a beer at my right and well nothing on my left. I guess this is how my Day 2 of 366 looks like. Drunk. Im just scanning my facebook page, weirdly enough removing some of my friends. Yes. On a 3AM. I miss Luna. Nights like this, I could have shared half of my day and all my rants with her. She would just beam up on me and wag her tail. After that I just know deep inside that she feels and understands me (well that’s her job) :D . Mainly this post wasn’t about her. It was about how epic this year is going to be for me. I think I have my plans in stone by my folks and this time Im okay with it.Tho I wish if everything works out, he comes with me across ocean and... live with me.