paupau

as this is getting more attention, i've been reminding myself of life and all the good there is in it, too. the reason why this sht triggers me so bad, is bc i am a csa/sa survivor. and while he has not touched me, the fact he had revealed seeing me this way for many yrs (i was freshly an adult fr)..... and. at that time, we lived together at my parent's house. and he slept in MY ROOM. (wasn't my choice, i had just came back from a sleepover over the weekend and. he was just there 🫥) that's some whole other sht.

all in all, y'all online have really, really helped me and seen me in ways that remind me i should not feel shame in not wanting to reconnect with him. or wanting to be around my relatives. idk, it just all feels so heavy and i'm sad about it because i did begin to trust we could have some sort of bond. anyway, i am also glad that i have discernment to know that being told to "forgive and move on" by others is just, not in me right now. that's okay. idk if it will be. i'm not focused on forgiving this so other ppl can feel comfortable either. i can speak on this experience bc it's my experience, unfortunately.

idk how many other ppl can be told something disgusting like this by "family" and have their own "mother" basically say well, "yeah that is bad! but, he's still my son." expressing i should think about forgiveness. it's really jarring and sad, especially if you and said person share similar history with family abuse/sa. (if anyone remembers, she's the same "mother" i advocated for to be granted clemency ASAP.)

i was so scared to talk about this in the beginning. i didn't even want to name it bc i really, really hoped it wasn't that. and blocked it out. but the more he said it, texted it at one point to me, and said other hurtful things - i really couldn't ignore it because i was crying and felt bad, really. i felt so bad for him in the beginning. then my "family".

point is, while dealing with this sht - i have found my voice. and i have found it better to speak instead of silencing myself. surprisingly, i still have empathy in this bs situation to wish him & others in my "family" (those who'd wish i'd stop talking abt it lol) well. i don't hate anyone. i just hate how i was made to feel like i was crazy for still being affected by this. (this all happened a yr ago, mind you.)