help me become somebody else

called in sick, thought i felt much better but my upper back hurts. that and mild congestion are my only symptoms. a tiny bit tired. i'm trying to knit as much as possible as i watch whatever. might go sunbathe? then do some yoga. i have peaches to eat. i'm hoping by tomorrow i feel fine. i did wake up and vacuum/mop my entire flat and did laundry. i meal prepped last night as well and did groceries in the morning. can't stop noticing how confused strangers are by me when they see me outside. i let a woman cut in line and she kept doing double takes at me and paused before calling me una chica. i'm less morose about it all (this and more) but still am grappling with the need for control and what i've done wrong that i can do better. i wish i could chose between the types of suffering i go through. i'd take a big bruise or cut over a mild cold. i'd break my pinky finger every year to never have a cold again.