help me become somebody else

i’m such an inflexible person in every regard it’s such a shitty quality :/ i try to pretend im not but its literally so painful and difficult i just want a routine to follow and rules to follow and things to be so clear and predetermined i need to work on this

in other ruminations - i think ill have to start applying t either after the gym or maybe at lunch time…. i just want to find a time where it wont be thrown off at the weekend when im out :/ if its first thing then i can do that every day but then if i go to the gym 1/1.5h after and get sweaty it feels like im not doing things right nor following the rules (the rules!!!!) so idk what to do…. late at night doesn’t seem like a good idea cuz i night shower just before bed :(

every time i bench press and need to ask someone to spot me it’s so ….. scary …. i hate speaking to strangers and i hate it when i pick badly and it’s a bad spotter… also why are there never the same people at the gym (there are theyre just not always in the same place/free)…. anyways im benching again (back at 40kg fml) and need a spotter :( idk who i’ll ask i can’t spot a friendly seeming person nearby