FEELING TOO MUCH

Dear mom, at this point I just keep on living because of you and I am tired of it. I am tired of fighting and simply just trying to survive. It is so suffocating. I don’t know how much longer I can take all of this.

Guys, I don’t know if you have similar problems, but no matter how much I believe in being recovered from Polytoxicomania, I always bounce back. I always find myself craving, and when I do d**** I just basically am starting to develop a new addiction every damn time. It actually doesn’t even matter which substance, I just cant stop. I have moments of self-control, but after their passing, it’s even worse than before. It just sucks because although I have so many moments where I am strong and proud about how far I have come; I suddenly bounce back and do stuff I always regret afterwards, but I just don’t have any control. I am just weak and it sucks because I’m somewhere between wanting to recover and never wantingstop doing drugs because at the end there’s just me and my time here is limited. I actually don’t know how to get over this, I feel pathetic, I need help.

I am constantly spiraling, if my childhood trauma and the sexual abuse committed by my stepdad, wasn’t that bad and if I’m just dramatizing, like I do always. Between knowing nothing and feeling everything, between amnesia and flashbacks.