conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 52 (masterpost here)
Dick: -no that- that misconception is what pisses me off the most.
Bruce: i will admit even i was confused when he said it.
Dick: -like, me and Jason did not spend that much effort on making shit the fuck up and then rabbit-holing until it seemed slightly plausible just for Tim of all people to swoop in and take our role.
Bruce: i didn't even know he meant Tim at first, either. Clark was just talking about conspiracy theories online and Oliver asked me 'oh your kid's really into conspiracy theories, right?' and i said 'yeah Dick and Jason used to be really obsessed', and he responded with 'no i meant the third one, Red Robin.' and my mind went blank. pass me that screwdriver, Damian. thanks.
Jason: such bullshit; everybody's forgetting our roots.
Damian: i thought Tim was the conspiracy theorist of the family? by the way, father, the cave is low on bandage rolls.
Jason: shit, is there enough for my leg? i got nicked by a knife just before we came back in.
Dick: there's some spare in the batmobile i think,
Jason: oh hell yeah- somebody smack Damian by the way, that was disrespectful as fuck.
Damian: *squawk* RICHARD-!
Dick: he's right, though, that was so disrespectful. Tim being the true conspiracy theorist? me and Jay used to live on those back in the day.
Damian: *amidst distant clacking* i think there's a difference between what Tim does and how stupid the two of you are when put in the same room unsupervised.
Jason: no- fuck off! *whining* Bruce, tell him!
Bruce: *sigh* sorry Damian, i do have to agree with your brothers. they were surprisingly crafty when they were younger.
Dick, incredulous: 'surprisingly crafty', we were geniuses,
Bruce: chum, i love you but i don't think a single thing you two came up with was correct. *strained grunt* ...ok, Jaylad try the engine?
Jason: yeah im turning the key, it's doing fuck-all. you really fucked it up this time huh?
Bruce: i need my tool kit, Damian can you go and grab-?
Bruce: ...thank you. but next time don't throw it.
Damian: i'm not walking all the way over there. you can tell me to type up the night's reports or you can tell me to help you fix the car; you can't tell me to do both.
Jason: *whistles* you know if i ever spoke to my dad like that, he'd hit me with a golf club.
Dick, bland: Jay, your dad was a criminal.
Jason: what, and B isn't? just because he's the commissioner's favourite criminal doesn't mean it isn't still illegal for him to physically assault people in the streets.
Bruce, indignant: see- *hissing* and you wonder why he thinks it's ok to talk to me like that-!
Jason: -listen if you didn't establish dominance over your first two kids then them influencing the new ones is honestly on you. the point is, me and Dick were hardcore into theorising when i was Robin; Timmy-boy doesn't have shit on us.
Damian: were you two that bored back then? i thought the golden era was supposed to be 'more insane and cartoonish than anything we could imagine'?
Dick: to be fair, it was like... the only thing we could talk about without arguing.
Jason: yeahhhh, for the first two years at least we couldn't stand each other, but Alfred and B kept trying to make us hang out and be brothers.
Bruce: you two were nightmares. conspiracy theories were like that generation's version of cocomelon. you were at each other's throats 24/7, but if i sat you both down in front of that creepy pasta website and told you one of them was real and about a JLA member? you'd be happy for hours.
Damian: *snort* you're joking.
Dick: dude, we- *snicker* we would make a mystery out of anything. i remember once i had to come home for thanksgiving and we spent the entire holiday obsessing over the possibility of uncle Clark lying about being an alien because i saw him taking human-medication in the front hall.
Bruce: *slightly smug* yeah, those were mentos. i told him to eat them in a 'suspicious manner' so you two would behave while we had guests.
Jason: -I FUCKIN' KNEW IT!
Dick: unbelievable- this is why we have trust issues you asshole!
Bruce: I DON'T WANT- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT; YOU ONCE THREW THE TURKEY OUT THE WINDOW OVER A GAME OF GIN RUMMY.
Jason: -were a handful, sure.
Damian: you actually thought that being from Krypton was something Superman would feel the need to lie about?
Dick: hey, it wasn't nearly as buck-wild as some of the theories Jason came up with.
Jason: hey- hey, my conspiracy theories were, and always will be, fuckin' smart. may i remind you i predicted the court of owls being involved with haley's circus YEARS before that whole thing went down.
Dick: oh- fuck off, Jason. you didn't predict shit-
Jason, yelling over him: i said- I SAID, THAT THERE WAS A BIRD CULT,
Dick: -YOU SAID HAD NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH THE COURT OF OWLS-,
Dick: -YOU THOUGHT MY PARENTS WERE BIOLOGICAL BIRD MUTANTS, TWATPOLE-
Jason: -AN OWL IS A BIRD-
Dick: -ITS A POLITIAL GROUP NOT A DAMN-
Jason: -HAS WINGS, HAS BEAK, LAYS EGGS,
Dick: YOU STUPID FUCKING-
*complete and utter silence*
Jason, carefully: Damian, i want you to know that although scientifically that was funny, if you come within fifteen feet of me during the next twenty-four hours i will throw you into Gotham harbour by your balls.
Dick: -my ears are bleeding and you are no longer my brother.
Bruce, exhausted: Damian, step away from the batcomputer before you get yourself hurt. please. and stop using it to play music clips through the cave speakers.
Damian: well somebody needed to break them up and you said cocomelon-
Bruce: NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT- just go take off your suit. just- just- for once. for once, Damian. for once. listen to your father.
Damian: ...i will, but only because you seem to be on the verge of tears.
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