Cream of the Dregs

The other day, the intern and I are out at Subway. Van saying "lift trucks" comes by. Picture on the side? You guessed it. Forklift.

"Skip," my intern explains - I don't like to be called boss, and he's nice and doesn't do that - "that's what the manufacturers want us to call them now. A forklift is too reductive, obscures nuance. Imagine if you had a huge shop full of these things, you'd need to know the difference between a reach truck and a stacker."

He makes an excellent point, which I admit by silently chewing on my Mesquite Chicken Power Bowl. I have ordered it meticulously, in order to accommodate my unique dietary needs. Some people think that's unimportant, and I should just get one of the combos and not explain myself to the Sandwich Artist every time. They're wrong, it's critical that I be recognized for who I am. Safer for everyone, too.

“And we loved it, we were all having a great time, but then he saw my sister and I, and he just got this - this look in his eyes, and then-”

She hesitated, worrying the coarse material between her fingers. “Things got pretty bad after that,” she muttered. “I know it’s silly, but I try to keep - her - comfortable. We don’t know if she can still hear us, or see us, or if she’s even still in here, but I like to think she is. I talk to her when I can, I leave music on when I’m out of the house. I tried to convince my parents to bring her with us when we went to Disneyland, but they didn’t - didn’t really take that well.”

Chapter 1:

Shumway Devouring His Kitten.

STOP IT’S BEEN MONTHS. MONTHS!

Item Number: 6223

Item: #2 Pencil

Item Description: Item 6223 appears to be a #2 pencil, painted yellow with no other identifying marks. Manufacturer cannot be conclusively identified, although certain stationery enthusiasts claimed an origin in the 1980s when consulted. It can be used to write, can be sharpened, and has suffered significant eraser degradation.

It is not known when item 6223 achieved apotheosis, nor by what thaumaturgical mechanism. Every test that has been conducted on Item 6223 points towards a deific ontological classification:

The item scored an 87% on the European Thaumaturgical Centre for Research and Analysis (ETCetRA)‘s Deific Entity Index.

Abnormal Science University’s Board of Applied Hubris accepted the item as a possible Target of Usurpation.

Callsign CHARLEMAGNE's modeling subroutine "DEUS_EX" returned "MODERATE_DIVINITY" when factoring the item into its calculations.

The Office’s department of Holistic Theology stated that the item rated very highly on their proprietary godhood self-assessment form. The department head of HT noted that in the absence of the item’s self-determination, they filled out the form for it using the item itself. Though ‘vibes’ are not an official unit of measurement, Mx Wren’s informal evaluation system has had an exemplary history.

As noted above, the item does not exhibit any form of sapience or indeed act in any way. It has not responded to prayers, supplication, offerings, or any other form of communication, verbal or otherwise. It is not known what domains it represents or has power over.

This has caused several conventional notions to be upended; namely that deific entities must necessarily be A) sapient and B) obligate pistiphages.