To my wonderful one year old

How is it real that three weeks ago today you turned one? how is it that I’ve been a parent for a whole year already? I can honestly say that you are my greatest achievement and this year, as quick as it has gone by has been the the greatest of my life. I still look at you in awe when you accomplish something new, I still treasure the times when you fall asleep on me because I know you feel comfortable enough with me to do so. I still love you the same as I did when I first saw your face. 

I never imagined that I would ever be able to do this, I left the hospital without a single clue how to raise a baby and the truth is that I was scared, but you’ve made it so easy to be your mama. You teach me how to be brave and strong and you give me the wisdom to know when somebody else is definitely more important than I. Your needs have and always will come before anybody elses, but I wouldn’t change that, caring for you is the most important thing to me. 

The last year has been messy, tiring, stressful and testing. I’ve screamed, cried and completely doubted my ability to be a parent. Yes the last year has been hard, but it’s been beautiful. It’s been crazy, fun, wonderful and perfect. I’ve felt so full of joy and happiness, I’ve been the most proud I’ve ever been and it’s all because of you. You my wonderful, crazy little pickle have changed my life in more ways than one and I wouldn’t, couldn’t ever have it any other way. You complete me. 

At 10 months old you were walking and I realised, maybe you don’t actually need me as much as I want you to. Maybe you’re big and strong enough to conquer this world on your own. Regardless of that, I will always be your mama bear and I will always fight for you, you are so special Elliott. I hope that one day you can look back on this and realise that the mama who stopped you playing video games so that you could do your homework instead, the mama who refused ice cream until you finished your carrots and the mama who grounded you for coming home an hour later than curfew was just a mama who cared so fiercely for you, a mama who truly has never loved anything as much as she loved you and no matter how big and independent you get, you’ll always be the baby to that mama. 

Last but not least I want to thank you, thank you for being better than I could have ever imagined. You push all my buttons and you’re far from ‘the perfect baby’ but you’re so perfect to me. Thank you for making parenting so great, thank you for being ‘opinionated’ and strong willed, thank you for mastering those puppy dog eyes and devilish smile because without those things it would be hard to deal with the bad days. Thank you thank you thank you.

You’ll move mountains kid. 

So here we are, already nearly done with my 2nd trimester! with Elliott it seemed that my pregnancy couldn't go any slower but this time around everything seems to have come and gone at lightening speed! but then again, this time around my pregnancy is nothing like my first...

Myself, and everyone around me (especially Aaron unfortunately) have picked up on the fact that I am extra hormonal with this baby, I find myself crying at almost everything... today when I couldn't find a pair of clean socks? well that was a hormonal nightmare. But, other than my extreme hormones and my god awful SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) I am very much enjoying my second pregnancy.

Cravings:

Toast - buttered with a tiny amount of Marmite Robinsons fruit juice

Thankfully, I've been lucky enough to avoid most cravings this pregnancy. Toast and fruit juice are the only things I seem to want the most, unlike when I was pregnant with Elliott and craved everything from Mcdonalds to Mozzarella sticks and Heinz mac n cheese... I had a very unhealthy food problem in pregnancy number one. 

My favourites:

Big baby kicks - Our little one is getting stronger by the minute and I can always feel him wriggling about in there, sometimes I can see my tummy wobbling as he moves which is real exciting. I didn't feel the kicks until later on but now that I do, they never stop. 

A real life bump! - Finally my bump is looking more like a baby and less like I ate one too many hot dogs for lunch. People can tell that I'm pregnant and I'm starting to get those not so subtle looks from people in the street/shopping malls (not a favourite of mine but at least we all know my little one is in there)

Baby shopping - Yes I still have plenty of clothing from when Elliott was a newborn, but I do enjoy the excitement of buying new, tiny little baby clothes. Especially as I know that our little guy will be a summer baby so lots of cute little rompers and summer hats.

My not so favourites:

SPD - I had SPD with my first pregnancy and back then it was hell. It’s commonly known as SPD but it’s described as pelvic girdle pain. Until you experience SPD you cannot understand the agony. I haven’t slept a real night in weeks and getting out of the car/bath is a real challenge. I can’t wait for it to end. 

Ill fitting clothing - Having an almost 1 year old little man already, the majority of my money goes to him and his needs, so I haven’t had much of a chance to buy any maternity clothes yet. I still have the odd few from my first pregnancy, but whilst they’re in the wash I'm left wearing t-shirts and leggings that just don’t fit properly. It’s super frustrating and half the time it’s the reason for my hormone fuelled breakdowns. 

A little man who doesn't quite understand - Elliott has always been an active baby, so it’s getting difficult to tell him he can’t jump all over mummy in bed any more. He can’t stand on my tummy or crash into me whenever he wants to. Sometimes it sucks to see him so confused and let down by the fact that mummy can’t play quite as much as she used to and sometimes it makes me feel completely guilty, I don’t want to let my son down although I know that one day he will understand. 

I'm almost out of my 2nd trimester now but truly it has been great, I'm looking forward to meeting our second little guy and introducing him to his little brother and to the world he will grow up in. I'm excited to be a second timer, I still don’t feel that I've conquered the parenting world and I'm sure my two little boys will be a challenge. I can’t wait to be a mummy to a newborn again. 

Dear Elliott, I’m sorry that I haven’t written an update for you in a while… In fact I’m sorry that I haven’t ever written a proper update, I’ve realised that with your little brother OR sister arriving this year I had better start taking note of all of your milestones and updates in a better, more organised way. So for you my sweet little mastermind, this is your ten month update.

You’re officially ten months old now (I’m writing this a little late, you were actually ten months a week ago) and you’re already such a little personality. You are so loving and happy, but with your beautiful kindness comes a temper to rival it! Just like your mama and daddy you know exactly what you want and when you want it, sometimes you don’t know what you want but you know you want it there and then… You certainly keep us on our toes.

What’s new? You’re a master crawler now! You forever have bruised knees as a result of our hard wood floors and your incapability to stay still. You’re still saying Mum more than anything else but I’m not sure you know exactly who mum is just yet as you’re often saying it to anybody that will listen.

You have FOUR teeth, they’ve been there for a while but they’re so prompt now and they’ve given your smile an entire new cuteness. You’re forever dribbling and sticking things in your mouth so this leads us to believe there are more coming but unfortunately none have popped through yet.

Likes: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Disney Junior Going outside Animals Food! Biscottis Mummy and daddy’s phones Other children Playing with Mummy Brushing your teeth Cuddles with mama and a blanket Bath time and bath toys Eating the coal from the fire place (very naughty)

Dislikes: Nappy changes! Getting dressed Getting out of the bath Running out of finger foods Getting strapped into your car seat Being told no Wearing socks Loud unsuspected noises Daddy leaving in the mornings for work

Personality: Wow oh wow you still amaze me every day. You have this personality that I couldn’t have ever expected from a baby. You’re very stubborn and you definitely want things to go your way but you’re also incredibly loving, sometimes you’ll stop what you’re doing just to come and have a cuddle and I love that about you. You’re a huge flirt! Very similar to your daddy in that sense, and you’ve decided you love being fussed over. You’re such a happy baby, I love that you’re smiling every chance you get. Please never lose that lust for life you quite clearly have.

I love watching you grow, you’re already such a character and I am so proud of you. I can still to this day, look at you and get emotional because I’ve made something really perfect. You’re a pickle sometimes and there are some bad days of course, but I wouldn’t want to change the way you are. I love you my little monkey from the bottom of my heart.

Sometimes I need reminding to just let Elliott be! I’m forever finding things that would be fantastic to do “once he’s a bit older’ but I can’t help but feel that I’m wishing his life away. 

Just the other morning I was looking back on old pictures and wondering where the time had gone. Gone are the days where I could leave my baby swaddled and not have to worry about where he’s crawled off to or what he’s playing with that he shouldn’t be! Gone are also the days where a 3-6 month sleepsuit was almost as big as a tent and mittens would stay put. He’s grown up so drastically in the last couple of months, he’s nine months old now and so big and intelligent… sometimes I feel like I have my own undersized toddler! 

For the time being he’s so content in being in his pushchair or having cuddles with his mama that I should stop wishing for the days when he can freely run away, where he would prefer to be off playing with other kiddies (his new sibling hopefully!) instead of me and Aaron. 

He’s already growing too quickly and I know that those days are going to be upon us sooner than they seem, he’s already far too eager to walk. 

So for now, I’ll just let him be little. 

Aaron brought him into our bedroom where he stayed with us for a couple of hours until he felt well enough to go back into his room. The next day he woke up at 7:30 which is BIZARRE for a boy who sleeps in until 9:40 each morning. When I went in to get him he was barely breathing, his nose was completely clogged and when he went to talk to me his voice was gone.

It wasn't too much later that day that I took him to the out of hours walk in centre. There was a two hour wait but because he is so young and was having so much trouble breathing they saw him instantly. There was plenty of debate as to whether to admit him to hospital but the general decision was that he just needed steroids and an inhaler for the time being, the doctor quickly diagnosed him with Croup. 

He didn't take well to the medicine OR the inhaler, in fact I cried watching the inhaler process as he struggled so much it looked like torture. I have hated seeing my baby so poorly but I know this is all part of being a parent. 

Dear Elliott, 

This week you turned 7 months old, I can't believe it! You've gone up a stage in food and you are very much enjoying the extra little lumps in your dinner and lunches. 

I found your old clothes today that I had vacuum packed and saved, I swear I could have sat and cuddled all of your old clothes that don't fit you now but you used to swim in because you were so little. I remember bringing you home from the hospital and feeling completely overwhelmed with love, you were the smallest and most incredible thing and now you're this big boy who keeps me on my toes at all times! 

I don't remember much of my life before you, I don't think it's even worth thinking about now that you're here. I do however remember the nights I felt completely useless, I've wanted to be a mum forever but when you came there were moments (we've all had them) where I really felt as if you would be better with someone who knew how to cope a little easier, but the more I got to spend time with you the more I realised that all that I am is all you will ever need, and vice versa. 

You're so clever little boy, you really are the best blessing and I'm so proud to call you my son. These past seven months have been the best of my life and you continue to make me happy every single day. I love you, I love you, I love you.

W is for Wedding

40 weeks ago today was the night that Aaron proposed to me. He had been away for a work course and it was the longest time that we had ever spent away from each other, when he finally got home and asked me to marry him I was the happiest girl in the world. 

I've been wedding obsessed since I was a little girl so of course I started to plan but I never truly realized the cost of 'a dream wedding' until I had a real wedding to plan. We set a date in 2016 and as far as we were concerned it was definitely happening... and then we fell in love with a venue.

As a couple we realized that we were very into the barn type setting for our wedding and we immediately knew that was what we wanted for our wedding before we even found our venue so of course imagine our heartache when we found the perfect barn venue... for double our price range. We tried to look around for other venues but when it came down to it, nothing compared to the one that we fell in love with. It was the one. 

So we decided to put off the wedding for a while, there's still so much we wanted to do beforehand too that it didn't make sense to splash out on an extortionate wedding that wasn't what we wanted. So planning was put on hold for a while... until last night.

Aaron asked me to marry him...again! He told me that he didn't want to wait much longer and that we would begin to save up again for our dream wedding, the way we want it in 2017. 

I can't wait to marry Aaron, he really is my soul mate and the fact that I get to share our wedding day with our beautiful son by my side makes the whole idea of a wedding more perfect. As long as I have both of my boys with me, it will be the best day of my life. 

Tonight is one of the very rare occasions where you're not with me, this isn't because I wanted a night off or that I was going out somewhere that you couldn't come, it's because mummy is super poorly. Your daddy has had a cold for a little while now and yesterday of course it finally hit me too.

So tonight you're staying with your nan-nan to save you from getting our dreadful cold too. If I made you feel half as awful as I feel now I would be the worlds guiltiest mum so I'm glad that you're away from me for the night, even if I am missing you like crazy.

Elliott you're 7 months old tomorrow and I can't quite believe it. I am so proud of you. You're the most intelligent baby I've ever come across, yes I am completely bias but you never fail to amaze me. It still feels like a dream to me, I don't know what I did to deserve a boy like you but you are perfect. I can't wait to see you tomorrow evening so I can give you a great big cuddle.

This is so hard for me to be posting, honestly the thought of showing my body post partum is a struggle for me but what I am starting to realise is how can I ever begin to love my body if I can't confront it? 

When I was pregnant every day when I looked in the mirror I felt like I gained a stretch mark. I unlike many other women didn't take any pictures of my bump because I was ashamed at how I was starting to look. I felt like I was a completely different woman, like my whole body had changed and the stretch marks I now had were like a permanent tattoo that I would always be ashamed of. 

Something that I didn't realise then is that I was  a new woman. I was completely different and my stretch marks were the first signs of me becoming a mother. When I look at myself now I don't immediately think 'ugly' I reminisce about my beautiful pregnancy. For nine months I carried around a perfect little boy and my stretch marks, every single one of them are just a reminder of him and his life. I am god damn proud that I carried him and I am proud of my body for going through those nine months. 

I have stretch marks everywhere, they're unavoidable when I have no clothes on and for a while I wondered how Aaron could ever find me attractive again, what I understand now is that he loves me no matter what I look like and he loves my stretch marks because they're the outcome of me carrying his first son. I love that Aaron finds my stretch marks sexy, it's a huge confidence booster to say the least. 

loveyourlines  are an Instagram account that I came across and I absolutely love the concept behind them. They are solely based on celebrating stretch marks and not hiding behind clothes. When I was scrolling through I couldn't help but admire these women, it took a lot of confidence for me to take these pictures of my body post partum as I'm sure it did for them too. Every single picture posted is beautiful, stretch marks don't impact your body in a negative way anymore, it's time to realise that with every mark, with every line it adds beauty.

I love my lines because each one I can count symbolises my Elliott, my perfect boy. I'm a mum now, and every single reminder of that is precious to me.