You know what, I think I might be able to use my bad experiences to help others so here's a quick list of things not to do if a friend/loved one is in an abusive relationship (or at least, things that made me actively cling to my abusive partner MORE)
also, I'm not an expert. This is just someone who's been thru it kind of sharing what made things worse for them and what eventually helped them get out. I'm not a psychologist or anything like that.
Don't shit talk the abusive partner.
No seriously, don't do that. It's entirely likely that the abusive partner has woven a narrative about how often people hate them for "no reason"/created a really compelling case for them being a victim of mistreatment. If you shit talk the partner, that's going to add to that narrative.
Don't invalidate their feelings about the abusive partner.
For the love of God, do not tell them they don't actually love their partner. Don't say anything like "it's infatuation" or "they manipulated you into loving them" or things like that. If you invalidate your loved one's feelings about their abuser, they're just going to see you as yet another person who ~doesn't understand~ and who they cannot trust. If you do this, you're actively helping to isolate them.
Don't just tell them to dump their partner.
If it was as easy as just dumping your abuser, no one would get trapped in abusive relationships. If you're constantly on their back about how they need to dump their partner, constantly telling them how abusive said partner is and etc., they're going to stop coming to you for help or to talk.
Don't gloat whenever something bad happens with their partner.
This is a big one, imo. If they're telling you about something shitty their partner did, do not rub it in their face that you ~told them~ the partner was shitty. No " I tried to warn you", no "I told you so" none of that shit.
Don't try to FORCE them into ANYTHING.
If someone is being abused, I literally think one of the worst things you can do is try to force them into anything. No ultimatums, no "I'm not going to talk to you anymore unless you do x, y, z". They're probably already dealing with that from abusive partner and once again, this gives their abusive partner ammunition to use against you as a friend/loved one ("if they were really your friend they wouldn't try to make you do things against your will...")
Some things that people did which did eventually help me get out of my toxic/abusive relationship
Offer a shoulder to cry on/a listening ear without judgement.
One of the biggest things that helped me was having people that I could talk to without feeling like they were judging me -- who didn't think I was stupid or weren't going to try to influence my actions or try to force me to do anything.
Offer advice when asked for.
If they ask you for advice, then you can give it. But again, don't be an asshole about it. You wanna offer advice gently if possible, especially early on. If they're already starting to show that they're done with things, that they want out, you can start being a bit less tactful with advice.
Tell the truth but don't harp on it.
If they tell you about shitty things their partner is doing, absolutely say like "Um wow, that's not cool?" or "they really shouldn't do that..." but honestly, avoid like "that's abuse". "That's really not normal" is a good one, it kind of helps get the wool off your eyes.
but also like, at the end of the day, you can do everything "right" and they might not leave the relationship and you might not be able to stay with them thru it because of your own personal reasons. That doesn't make you a failure and it's also not anything against the person being abused.
It's really fucking hard to get out of an abusive relationship, esp since a lot of people who fall into them are already abuse victims/survivors and we've already been kind of groomed into this sort of dynamic and might not be able to really grasp that how these people make us feel is wrong because it's all we've ever known.
This is especially true if the person had abusive parents -- since like, in my experience, my partner was emotionally abusive but not physically -- my mother was physically abusive and way more up front about her abuse. Screaming at me, hitting me, actively lashing out at me etc., and my ex was just...kinda quietly chipping away at me for years. It was really fucking hard to see how bad things were because I was used to so much worse.
