I have this very real and deeply seated problem, bordering on phobia, about being ignored or dismissed. It’s part of my general anxiety and is rooted in being a victim of child abuse and parental neglect I imagine. Daddy issues, through and through.
Anyway, this occasionally rears it’s ugly head in friendships, work relationships, romantic situations, my entire marriage. Sometimes it’s justified: a lover rejecting me repeatedly, friends suddenly not returning texts or phone calls, work associates no longer interested in collaborating or seeking out other team members over me. All rejections on some level and I don’t do well with rejection. I take it extremely personally.
I’m trying to work on it. It’s not easy. I haven’t found any simple way to not take being rejected, effectively told I’m not good enough, any way but personally. It feels personal. Deeply personal. So, if I can’t not take it personally, I’m trying to find a way not to be so affected by it then. (For example, right now, annoyed with someone who effectively blew me off today, again, after doing so several times last week, I have a rash on my arm. I’m upset. It manifests itself physically. Following a particularly painful conversation with my husband where it became clear that reconciliation wasn’t possible, I had a rash all over my body for the better part of three weeks. Thanks fucked up nervous system!)
Anyway, here’s the paradox: I get upset, really really upset, at every perceived slight. But I know I’m probably asking too much, requiring too much reassurance, needing too much. I know I’m likely overreacting, at least a little bit, and that I need to calm down. I know that my expectations for interpersonal relationships are high, demanding. So it’s a feedback loop of “I’m not good enough and the reason I’m not good enough is because I want too much.”
I’m in that loop now. My elbow is red and itchy. I feel both like a failure and also like I’m completely righteous in my feelings because, factually speaking, I was straight up blown off. Ignored.
Now, the super fun part: do I risk making everything SO MUCH worse by bringing it up? Most people’s reactions to being told they hurt someone else is to go on the defense. That usually compounds those feelings of hurt. Vicious cycle. Ultimately ends in friendships disintegrating, marriages pulling apart, jobs being quit or teams broken up.
I’ve had too much of that recently. I already feel very alone, very isolated. But the alternative of shoving it down, continuing to feel taken advantage of, taken for granted and ignored isn’t great either.
I feel like I’m doomed to itchy elbows and impenetrable loneliness for the rest of my life. (OH! SO MELLOW DRAMATIC, DANI! JESUS. Get it together, girl.)
But like, if I can’t whine to my blog, where can I whine?
unsolicited medical advice from someone who does’t actively use tumblr anymore but does keep up with your life! try taking an antihistamine every day and see if it helps with the itchiness/ rash at feelings. won’t help the feelings but it could dampen the effect of your immune system to them.
