cripplepunk queer femme magick

Waiting for a call back from the neurosurgery department coordinator to FINALLY schedule an appointment with a neurosurgeon is stressing me out so much. At least I know this particular doctor/clinic takes my shitty Medicaid insurance. That is a relief. But waiting to get an appointment is an epic nightmare. I just want to know what is wrong with my fucking back. Why my spine is growing extra bone. Why I’m still in pain from what I was told was JUST a herniated disc. Why I keep pissing myself. Cos, y’know, being a thirty-five year old femme with a Poise-brand urinary leak pad in their undies is really awful for one’s self esteem. I feel like shit. I want this taken care of ASAP. It’s already been over a month since the pain became unbearable. Since I had to quit my job. Since I’ve been on tramadol. Since I’ve gotten no other comfort. Since I’ve basically been told by my primary care doctor that it’s all in my head. 

I’m tired cos I stayed up too late last night. My former lover was in town and we haven’t seen each other in a while. He’s one of my favorite people so I stayed up with him shooting the shit until 3am. Which is about 5 hours later than I usually stay up. He stayed over, slept on our gross, stinky couch. We hung out in my dirty kitchen once I finally got out of bed at noon. We watched cartoons and talked about our lives. How we’re not the marrying types. How we’re getting old (he’s 42) but we’re still doing rad things with our lives. At least he is... My life is on hold. But I love him and I will always love him and sometimes he feels like he’s the “one that got away” but in reality he’s not. We’re meant to be friends, platonic lovers. And I do love him so much. But I love my partner even more I think. Alex is kind of the best partner I could hope and pray for, not that I pray. 

Anyways, we went out for lunch and then he dropped me off at home and now here I sit waiting, waiting, waiting for the neurosurgery clinic coordinator to FINALLY call me back. 

“it’s just a herniated disc. i don’t know why it hasn’t healed, why your symptoms are increasing, and why you’re still in pain... it just doesn’t make sense.”

I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!

it has been a full four weeks of ER visits, x-rays, MRIs, pain meds, pissing myself, screaming in agony, and doctors who belittle me, shrug me off, and tell me it’s “not as bad as i’m making it out to be”... i’ve been told to go to physical therapy, then told not to. i’ve been told it might be ankylosing spondylitis, that this herniated disc is pressing on my spine, sandwiched between new bone growth and spinal cord. then told go to a neurosurgeon ASAP. but then told again that it’s JUST a herniated disc and it should have healed by now.

i feel like i’m losing my mind, that i’m not being listened to, that i’m doing something WRONG, being a BAD patient. that i’m bipolar and therefore a drug-seeking hypochondriac. i’m struggling and sick and tired and having yet another fibro flare on top of it all.

i am still waiting for a referral for a neurosurgeon and i’m still in pain in some places, numb in others, dizzy, clumsy, barely able to walk. but, like, it’s probs all in my head. (that’s actually BULLSHIT.)

No one follows me so no one will see this but I am suicidal today. So depressed. So scared. Clumsy. Confused. The brain fog of chronic illness is taking control of me today. I think about swallowing all my pills. I think about walking in front of the 22 bus that drives by my house every 28 minutes. I think about how I don’t want to be here. My back pain is overwhelming. My depression is overwhelming. This migraine is overwhelming. I want my partner. I want to die. I want to be held and loved and fucked. I want to disappear. 

Some things I’ve learned: 

1.) I am a burden to the tax payers of America cos I’m an unemployed disabled person. I am not worthy of assistance cos I am at the moment unable to be employed.

2.) Some feminists still think Susan B. Anthony is an icon. I mean, these “feminists” are all white ladies and probably TERFS, so yeah. Gross.

3.) My back is more fucked than ever and I’m heading towards paralysis if I don’t get surgery.

4.) I can’t get surgery cos no neurosurgeons in Wisconsin take Medicaid.