Scribbles Aggressively©

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I feel lonely - now I don't mean lonely in a open my arms hug me and let me feel your warmth - I feel lonely in a lets stargaze and talk for hours - let me enjoy the conversation so much that I memorize your very soul - let every conversation feel like a poem - I crave a love that makes sense - one that is almost rhythmic - I don't crave the honey moon phases or oversexualization - I crave horror movies inside - making food together - I crave watching someone at their crafts (scientists, artists, musicians, brilliant minds) and falling so in tune with what they do that I can't help but be mesmerized - I crave a back and forth that has nothing to do with sexuality, or love or anything but just mutual interest in a topic - someone who encourages me to work on my hobbies I lost due to trauma - I crave someone who fits my mold - I crave someone who was meant for me and I for them - I crave comfortable silences and something that feels both traditional and not - someone that doesn't mind that I leave a lot of space to breathe - I crave a love where I blush when I see them and I crave a love where I want to make them gifts and knickknacks just cause oh I have to see that smile again cause god I love that smile - I crave the mundane and everything plain - I crave being able to cringy and weird around my person not judged - I crave hearing someone's laugh and knowing I wouldn't want to be anywhere else - I crave not disassociating in the quiet private intimate coded sleep rooms - I crave soft whispers on ears telling me "you're mine" - I crave a love that doesn't make me cringe away or shriek into my trauma - I crave a love that understands me and I them - sure I have plenty of suitors - even when I was a guy I did but it was the same - I crave a romance going beyond gender - I crave to feel something - anything - even if just for a moment as if to say you're heart is still beating - but I feel nothing for anyone - never have At the same time I don't want to just fill a loneliness hole - I'd rather just find methods of happy when I am alone so I can indulge in hobbies on my own time like I used to - I used to do it a lot before I was pressured into a relationship and made to think I needed it - it fucked my brain a little bit and it's been a challenge to get back to it - I'd rather not like just have a romance - sure it's funny to imagine and let those thoughts dance around my head - but at the same time the love I feel is unreal a lot of the times - it's something I leave unattainable - only few have shared that similarity - maybe that makes it easier fantasizing about stuff in fiction - how do people fall in love with actors? I don't get it - the second I have to even sit down and love the person in front of me I don't even know what to say - I don't feel like I have a safe space of people that are like me really - a person here and there sure - but I'm tired of hearing you'll find your person one day - I'm not like those people so why even say that? - why make that statement when they don't know - blunt words maybe - but it just seems stupid to tell someone that when you don't actually know them, their sexuality or anything - I think me trying to be anything but grey asexual/grey aromantic was me wanting to be what I deemed normal when really I just want to be how I was before everything got so complicated - back when I didn't care - I think I'm slipping back to that place slowly - it's taking time - but I'm getting there - I don't think I need to cure a loneliness - I was fine with isolation - happy - that changed with a kiss - unwarranted - unwanted - unconsented - and now... - I crave so much but I'm grey aro - you see at least with regular aro there is no romance no longing no craving - but grey aro is an itch that can never be scratched - it's the worst kind of romance- it's romance that says - I crave to find you but I might not ever my dream lover - I am lonely for something unattainable - and maybe that's okay - so light up the sky my lovely and I'll fall into cosmos deep