elby's back

name: elby

religion: christian. proud anglican.

ethnicity: 唔識華夏文化嘅中國人

culture: confucian. ru. “Out of all virtues, the first is filial piety; out of all vices, the worst is licentiousness” and allat. also taoist and buddhist (the kind with bodhisattvas).

sexuality: gay? bi? queer

academic pursuits: many humanities, with the occasional physics

other blogs: @autode-fide (even more religious sideblog) and @objet-petit-eyyy (where I dump any guilty fixations I develop over my tumblr lifespan)

everyone needs to read genesis with a critical eye. Jacob is a literal magician.

hobbies: idk anymore, have a wall of text:

Deep Water Chora

Gege feels foreign to the tongue of a 香港人 in Cantonese it sounds more like gawgaw Gawgaw or maybe Kʰɐi̯³³-gaw gnawing on his kʰɐi̯³³-tɐi̯²² somewhere in the recesses of Sham Shui Po the smell of roast duck and plum sauce wafting into a 唐樓 from the roast duck gawgaw got at lɐu̯²¹ ha geh market with Ah Suks and Ah Sums advertising sale of raw pork 24 dollars per kilogram か　I dont know I never go to the butchers Homeless people rest in Tung Chau Park and the idol of 關公 blesses the new siblings and someone recites

Thou hast ravished my heart my sister my spouse Ngŏh kè tsź mooî à ngŏ hkè sanfoŏ à ĭ king kik ngŏh sam 愛慕

Being a faithful Christian relies on believing that there is a God; who revealed his truths to us through the Bible, and created us for a purpose.

For the most part, believing in God requires someone to have a curiosity in how life got to be the way it is, and have an appreciation for it. It also requires knowing that something bigger than yourself created you, and has a plan for you. This belief system requires a lot of appreciation to go into the word we live in, you can’t really love all people, and love the God of all things, without being able to appreciate the little things of your life.

Christianity requires someone to have a deep appreciation for God, the things he created, his Son, and for other people.

Specifically appreciation for your own life, caring enough into your creation, into where your souls goes when you die, about being judged for your life, it requires great care and appreciation.

A selfish person may only care about their physical state, the fun they have, the pleasures they can buy or touch. They may deem their own life to be boring or unpleasant if they’re not taking part in something material or worldly.

Having the appreciation for your life, the same one that God had, allows you to grow closer and better appreciate the other creations of God.

so, while i really really agree with the key intention of the post-- that your faith should be active by being involved with the God given gifts of the world, and that appricating life, humanity, and God as something to interact with and explore and grow from, not just passively observe, is a key part of that active faith-- framing it as someone not being a 'true believer' unless you can do so makes me feel uneasy to read as someone with severe mental illnesses and a worsening, curently undiagnoses (so therefor untreated), disability. While the me that I am in 2026 is able to just scroll by while feeling a tad bummed, the me 6 years ago would not be able to.

Heads up that the rest of this post will very bluntly discuss very serious mental heallth struggles. If you need me to rephase them in a way that is easier to read if content like this is sensitive for you, I will absolutely try my best to.

When I first returned to the faith in college after spending 6 years away from it, I was a MESS. I was decades deep into anorexia, dealing with a severe mood disorder and developing psychosis, self harming daily, failing my university classes, and wanted, deeply, to die. I attempted to do so more than once. If I had entered a Christian space and saw the idea that, unless I was able to appricate the world around me, the life God gave me, and the way he created me, I wasn't a true believer, I would have left and likely never returned. I didn't appricate that life. Why would I? My brain was beyond fucked up, my hair was falling out and nails peeling form anorexia, I had purposefully destroyed friendships so it would be easier to kill myself, I was dropping more money than I had on first aid supplies to make sure my cuts didn't get infected, I was starting to hallucinate and developing paranoid delusions for the first time, all while living away from home all by myself for the first time ever. In my eyes, there was nothing to appricate. I was suicidal for a reason.

Now, years later, as someone who is finally somewhat stable, I still struggle to appriciate the life given to me. I'm still passively suicidal more often than not. I attempted to OD a few months back, though I was able to get myself help. I still fight daily urges to cut (over a YEAR clean tho!!!!!! so proud of myself :*] ). I lost my job a few weeks ago because of my mental disabilities, and my brain and heart are no longer working correctly and the doctors dont know why. I cannot work until I have a diagnosis, and, best of all, because I lost my job, I no longer have insurence to pay for all of these lovely medical bills.

It is very, very, very hard to be happy with God's gifts when your life doesn't feel worth living. I know I will be able to get to that point someday, where I can thank him for it. But it's not today. Even my best days looks nothing like that. So hearing that i'm not a true believer when I am trying so hard while suffering so much hurts. It hurts a lot. And while the me in April of 2026 is able to accept that hurt and understand that it absolutely wasn't your intention at all, say a prayer for myself, and keep scrolling, the me in April of 2020 would see it as divine proof that Christianity is not for me, because I can never be a true Christian when I hate existing so, so much.

By no means did I say, that not having an appreciation for life means you cannot be a Christian. What I meant, was that not being able or willing to see an appreciation, created a difficulty in giving honest thankfulness to God. You can pray and go to church, but if it’s not from your heart and sincere, if you don’t think life is a miracle and a blessing, if you don’t appreciate that your life is a blessing not many people have, it’s hard to thank God for that life.

It’s like giving someone a sincere apology, you may say sorry, but if you don’t mean it, what does it mean?

Selfish people will see miracles, and will believe it is because of their own nature, or because they deserve it. Appreciative people won’t even need to see nature, and know who is to thank.

In 2024, I attempted twice to end my own life within the span of 3 months. I did not have an appreciation, even the slightest for my own life, or the lives of others. I did not care about God back then, I could not have possibly of cared for God when I did not care for my own life. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and it put me in alot of tough times which lead to my attempts, many of which were previous to 2024. Now, being in my position, being able to go outside and give thanks for the life I have been surrounded by, I believe in God because I appreciate his creation, to have a mental condition and still be in love with life even when it makes things hard for me, I appreciate him letting me live, and him not letting me die when I was facing heart failure after an attempted overdose in 2024. Since then, I have given thanks for not letting me die, for keeping me safe in instances where I could’ve died.

I have ministered to alot of people who have felt a calling from God, but did not feel that their life was worth giving to him, one man, a nurse at a local hospital, was abused for years in a relationship. He was racist, angry, and when he prayed and said he heard God tell him what to do, he grew angry, he did not appreciate God giving him an instruction that opposed to what he himself wanted. He said he was given sign after sign, and did not want what God wanted of him, he did not like being told something that opposed his beliefs. He was unappreciative of the opportunity that God gave him, because it opposed his own wants.

Paul wrote numerous scriptures about giving thanks even when in bad situations, Ephesians 5:20, 1 Thess 5:18, Romans 5:3-5, James 1:1-4.

To appreciate life, is to be thankful to be here; to witness the beauty of Gods creation. You may not always appreciate life, you may not appreciate all things, but by staying faithful you build up the ability to appreciate life. Appreciation comes in all shapes and sizes, it’s a fluid experience.

What I originally meant is that to be a Christian, is to appreciate life, to learn to appreciate life, and to learn to love all things for what they are.

“For the invisible things of him since the creation of the world are clearly seen, being perceived through the things that are made, even his everlasting power and divinity; that they may be without excuse: because that, knowing God, they glorified him not as God, neither gave thanks; but became vain in their reasonings, and their senseless heart was darkened. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God for the likeness of an image of corruptible man, and of birds, and four-footed beasts, and creeping things.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭1‬:‭20‬-‭23‬ ‭ASV‬‬

“And even as they refused to have God in their knowledge, God gave them up unto a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malignity; whisperers, backbiters, hateful to God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, without understanding, covenant-breakers, without natural affection, unmerciful:”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭1‬:‭28‬-‭31‬ ‭ASV‬‬

I REALLY love this apology analogy, I'll probobly bring it up to my priest this Sunday!

Your response makes me think of doubting Thomas; how wanting, or even needing, to actively see God in life doesn't mean you're a 'bad' Christian, but at the end of the day, to grow in your faith to become a stronger follower of Christ, you cannot stay at this point. Saint Thomas' doubt didn't make him a bad friend of Jesus or a bad disciple, just someone responding to his situation, but he also learned deeply from God's response. You have to move forward with faith, not a visible pillar of fire or a burning bush. Is that closer to what you mean? I feel like I'm so close to understanding your point, and I really want to. I'm just a bit slow on the pick up for most things, haha

Evolution was/is what called me back to God. I was able to look at the vastness of life, how it has grown and developed over trillions of years, and go. Oh. oh. that doesn't happen by happy accident. I appricated the vastness of creation and the limits of human understanding and saw something utterly Divine and far beyond you or me or any human being in it. Appricating elxistance-- all of it, from atoms to whales to the carbon cycle-- as a whole showed me that the existance of God was real, something I had refused for six years.

🪕In honour of Feb 14th, here's Pete Seeger performing at a racially integrated Valentine's Day party in then-segregated Washington D.C. in 1944, with Eleanor Roosevelt as one of the guests

Uber is a fucking shell game of a company designed to leech investor capital and output bootleg cabs.

Nvidia posted a profit in 2023 of $4.37 billion. This is like someone stealing less than a penny from me.

And they lock this kid in a prison hospital for LIFE?

Serving

Sherlock’s pose is based on (I think) Sidney Paget's 19th century illustration for "The Adventure of The Blue Carbuncle" (for those who didn’t know but I think it's a rather famous image of Sherlock).

John’s pose is inspired by S. Paget's illustrations of him, only sassier to match his partner's :D.

“You can always assume one thing about your clients; and that is that they are doing their best. Always assume everyone is doing their best. And if they’re having a day where their best just isn’t that great, or their best doesn’t look like your best, you have to be okay with that.”