Ehawae

✮ I need you to stay without me having to ask

✮ I'm not actually fine and haven't been for longer than I've admitted  

✮ I'm afraid that if you really knew me you would leave

✮ I don't know who I am outside of what I do for other people

✮ I miss who I was before everything that made me who I am

✮ I'm lonely in a way that having people around doesn't fix

✮ I think about that moment more than I will ever tell you

✮ I'm proud of myself and I don't know how to hold that without someone giving me permission

✮ I chose you specifically and I need you to know that even though I'll never say it

✮ I'm angrier than I look and have been for years

✮ I forgave you a long time ago and kept the grudge because the grudge felt safer

✮ I want to be taken care of just once without having to orchestrate it myself

✮ I don't know how to let this go and I'm not sure I want to

✮ That thing you said changed the direction of my life and you have no idea

✮ I stayed because of you specifically and I'll never tell you because of what it would mean

✮ I'm scared that this is as good as I'm capable of becoming

✮ I love you in a way I don't have the right category for

✮ I needed you to fight for me and you didn't and I'm still not over it

✮ I'm grieving something I never had and I don't know how to explain that to anyone

Inktober 2023 Day 9: Bounce.

This is very messy but i did it in 35 minutes so it's not bad

But I think his concern after he takes her to work and lets her play in the sandbox are not unfounded. 'This is a child I adopted and immediately put in a high pressure situation. I am a stranger to her and discounting everything else she's had at least 4 prior families who abandoned her on top of losing her actual parents. She is under immense psychological stress.' (which... She is. Even if she can't tell that yet. I'm sorry but seeing a vision of your adopted father dying is ROUGH)

And those are just the facts. Twilight makes up sad backstories for Bond at the drop of a hat. He's definitely sat up at night and considered everything she might have been through. (Inaccurately)

It's been six months. His own reservations aside. He and Anya are the only ones who know they were strangers before. That she's adopted. That saying "I love You" too early can be extremely stressful for a child who (rightly) has good reason to think you might abandon them like their previous families. (Even discounting her mind reading)

He has to make her call him Papa. A thing he'd probably have wanted to spit if a family had tried adopting him and Insisted on from the beginning. (Might have done anyway if it meant a warm bed and semi regular meals) She's happy to but that's a huge ask of an adopted child.

So of course he's being tender footed where he can. He's getting her gifts. Fulfilling requests. Making favorite meals. Trying to balance his mission and keeping her happy.

"Was it too early to hold hands?" Is one of their first interactions. When she pulls away from him and hides. He can't know it's because he thought about the dangers of being attacked when one handed. (Which he then DOES have to do In chapter one. It's not like that was unfounded. Or that he expressed those concerns to Her. He doesn't know she's a mind reader!)

When he's worried about having hurt her by not showing up for the bus jacking incident she tells him: buy me a treat and we're okay. He grabs that and does so.

We know Anya loves him so much. Is uncertain about how He feels about her. But even if he hugged her every day and said I love you! She'd still feel that way. Because Anya knows. Knows that Papa Does have a complicated relationship with her unlike Mama. Those words would be cheapened for her. So she doesn't ask him for them, because then she'd hear him lie.

Loid doesn't offer them because He knows. He knows she's adopted and he has prevented her from discussing that. He Knows what he's asked of her and that it's wrong. But he has to. There is no choice.

I think there's a difference between (a) portraying a character who is ignorant because they've been sheltered, or groomed the way Yor has and (b) treating them like an idiot. It also feels like he is denying her growth in questioning her surroundings to an absurd extent.

For Yor, whose principal asset is being protective towards her loved ones, I just can't see her being ditsy to the point of forgetting someone who threatened her husband and brother's safety in broad daylight. For someone who was scared enough of the SSS to the point that she actually entered a fake-marriage, I also can't this as doing justice to her, to not have her even question it or why he is near Yuri, even as fishing buddies. It also feels like a easy way to not hold Twilight accountable for his actions, to have the victim of his actions in this scenario just NOT remember. That he even gets to tranquilize her and gets off scot-free for this, when the reason he had to resort to that because he dressed up as that SSS officer and intimidate her in the first place. I don't feel like being hospitalized really makes me feel bad for him either. What would make me feel satisfied is actually being held accountable for the way he has manipulated Yor for his own cover. Hesitation in tranquilizing her. Actually demonstrating guilt and turmoil or understanding just how dirty he actually did Yor in this whole situation, from posing as Chad, to the party and his thought process after. I feel like he got off lightly as fuck, as Yor not remembering feels like a slap in the face to her character. I've felt like this with how Endo treats Yor's character in the past and currently, where her ignorance is portrayed in a way that doesn't make even make sense for her personality traits and feels almost belittling towards her. He just keeps not addressing serious situations with her or turning them into comedic moments and I'm kind of sick of it. Sorry for going off a rant. I'm asking you because you've actually written my favorite depiction of Yor's pov maybe ever. I consume a lot of fics lol, but rereading the way you've taken Yor's feelings seriously in the situations you've written, be it anger, suspicion, sadness, joy, compassion, heartbreak is such a de-stressor from following canon these days. I deeply treasure your work because I feel like it does Yor justice in a way I don't see anywhere else. Thanks for your awesome work and hope you have a good day!

Hi Anon,

So, right off the bat! Anyone is entitled to stop doing something for any reason at any time, and to that point (!) it’s much better to do that if the something-in-question is a hobby that’s no longer fun for you, than to keep doing it while coming to resent a thing you once loved. If you choose to no longer follow SxF because it’s just not enjoyable to you any longer, for whatever it’s worth, I respect that decision a great deal. It’s a choice with a lot of integrity: life’s too short to spend time with stuff that just makes you mad or otherwise upset when you’re able to choose to do otherwise. And as you so rightly note, you can always return to it later. It’s disappointing and painful to fall out of love with something once held close, and I would also grieve were I in your shoes (and have done, for other fandoms.) It’s unfortunate that we can love the pieces but not always enjoy the case they come in, and I’m sorry that’s your experience of SxF at the moment.

For me, and I say this kindly, I do feel differently, and I differ in my read of things as well… To be clear, I do understand functionally what you’re saying, and I think I understand the analytical track taken to get there. However I come from another perspective: I actually think Yor’s characterisation is coherent in-narrative and so don’t think the SSS house party arc was disrespectful to her; I also don’t really think Twilight needs to be made to repent on bloodied knees for… anything he’s done to this point, in-story; and I don’t think Endo disrespects any of his characters, I believe he is both thorough in exploring them and compassionate with them in a way that, for me, makes being a fan of SxF a rare joy. SxF does still of course use comedy as the string through and on which everything is connected; for me that doesn’t detract from the other parts of it (nor diminish its moments of seriousness) but that absolutely does not mean it has to work for you. And also to be clear, I by no means intend to imply that Endo and SxF itself are therefore perfect, but on these topics, I don’t have complaints. 

For all that, I’m not going to try to persuade you out of your position, Anon, I’m just going to answer your points since you’ve asked for my opinion, and alas, my weakness is being asked my opinion <3

I’m going to start with a couple of things that I think may explicate where a couple of differences begin. 

I’d personally gently push back for instance, that I don’t think Yor’s ‘principle asset’ is being protective of her loved ones… That’s what she thinks of herself, how she ranks her own utility, that it’s one of the only (she may think the only) things she can do. But her overall arc is partially about how she isn’t just that one facet of herself. She is innumerable other things; she is a whole person. Curious, determined, impulsive, anxious, passionate, thoughtful, adventurous, scatterbrained, loyal, creative, trusting, disciplined, sweet, forgetful, resourceful, adaptive, considerate, loving, kind… her principle asset is her heart. Which she is learning, bit by bit, and which was also showcased through these chapters.

And fwiw, I also don’t actually think Yor was groomed, no more than Twilight was anyway, and certainly far less than Yuri is currently facing… Or at least, unless we’re talking about the more conventional, broad meaning of the term, as in, trained for her role (as, idk, a politician might be.) Assuming the definition for abhorrent child abuse though, I know that’s a common fanon, and we certainly won’t know until we know (!) but Yor has demonstrated heaps of free choice and critical thinking throughout the series, including her own explanation and justifications for her work that are not rote but are deeply personal, and her own explicitly stated and well developed morality, practicing her personal moral compass, with moral clarity. There’s also no indication that she couldn’t retire from Garden if she wanted to, or that she’s been coerced or blackmailed or otherwise manipulated into staying (likewise, McMahon references retirement with no qualms but his own personal ones.) The likelier course in my view is that it was the only avenue of help available to her when she was desperate, and the only way the underworld folk she met were able to help at the time (eg: in wartime, Garden may not have had the money/resources to simply give, but they could pay an employee.) 

One of the things played with in SxF is a complicated morality; the underworld consequently reflects both ‘good’ and ‘bad,’ is not simply an unalloyed bad, and ultimately imo SxF is more interested in 1. a person in their whole, and 2. the reasons they made choices, rather than in vilifying or vindicating a specific choice or action in isolation. Which to me, is also why Garden is likely to fall on the side of helpful for Yor, rather than harmful, in the end. Ideal? Absolutely not. But, and I say this gently, so what…? Life is full of many such complications, people doing their best with what they have, and for me, it’s refreshing to see that explored in SxF.

I don’t mean to pick on these points, but I think they may be crucial in explaining my difference in perspective in approaching Yor in canon.

So with that baseline established (!) to the first point, with Yor and Chadwick… I don’t think it’s unbelievable that Yor may not remember Chadwick (not yet at least.) It was intense, but still brief, meeting, 5-6 months ago, whereby Franky was far more memorable acting as unhinged as he was. Yor also seems to consider things done once they’re over. And it was a wildly different context in which she saw Chadwick again, he was not acting in any way threatening, and she was also feeling self-conscious, which is to say, self-focused. Yor is also virtually never at risk, she is almost always the most dangerous person in any room; there isn’t cause for her to be hyper-vigilant in the way Twilight is, and no reason for her to be vigilant in these specific circumstances. I don’t think it stretches credulity that she wouldn’t recognise Chadwick, even if the circumstances were substantially more to her favour… Would I have believed it if she did remember him? Sure! Though to be honest, I think that may actually cause me to raise my eyebrow a bit, though I’d accept it. I equally find it believable that she didn’t, and don’t think that’s unrealistic or uncharacteristic.

I don’t think that flanderizes her (I’m afraid I don’t see what character traits are being exaggerated or simplified 🤔) and I don’t think it makes her look like an idiot either... In my opinion there is also nothing in the narrative text itself that indicates the narrative thinks or encourages readers to think she’s an idiot for not remembering Chadwick. That reading to me seems potentially to be putting too much emphasis on a single incident, and a single incident that I don’t think was ever intended to loom as large by way of a reflection of Yor’s character (death of the author notwithstanding.) Granted, Anon, you do note that there are other moments that have felt belittling/like flanderization to culminate in your frustration at this point; I take and acknowledge that. For me, Yor has shown a great deal of growth, especially in these last few arcs. They’ve centred on relational growth, via Yor engaging with the world around her in a way that is not familiar to her, deliberately going outside of her comfort zone and pushing her own boundaries. Awkwardly maybe but still bravely, and including finding slower and more circumspect ways to protect those she loves that never would have occurred to her before having these experiences. She also had important moments of agency that demonstrated her character development. All of which to say, I struggle to know where to hook in for the argument that there is a possible pattern of flanderization or belittling.

The other aspect is, and I won’t say this is what you’re doing, Anon, because I can’t know for certain, but based on some of what I’ve read around fandom regarding this arc, I differ from and would actually suggest that there may be some misunderstanding on the purpose of it. That doesn’t mean its purpose is exculpatory of your complaints, but it’s another point that is important to establish here. The goal of the arc was giving Twilight a concentrated tasting menu of many of the things best placed to push him over the edge: his panicking that Yor may recognise Cpt Curtis was another helping, in this instance Twilight putting himself into a tizzy, rather than the narrative (or Twilight) trying to say anything about Yor herself. This arc centred on Twilight, he was the focal character, and so it was driven by his thoughts/reactions/etc. Ymmv, and it seems we may differ on this point, but Endo isn’t a wasteful storyteller. Just see how this came back 100+ chapters after it happened! If I were to pivot this moment for Yor and share my theory, the important thing here, imo, is that the real Chadwick is now on Yor’s radar. It wouldn’t be strange for them to meet again — and for perhaps Yor’s memory of him to come back when it is, crucially, more important to her arc, not Twilight’s. This is pure speculation at this point, but I personally anticipate Yor’s Garden arc to dovetail with Yuri’s SSS arc, and so it would be far more impactful for that to happen when 1. she is of focus (or at a stretch, Yuri is), and 2. it therefore alerts Yor to the fact that the SSS is in Yuri’s orbit. That is when your ideas as to what Yor may think/do would come into play. But this arc wasn’t centred on Yor, or Yuri, and so it would have derailed the arc’s thrust to pull focus to it (and also likely wouldn’t have explored it adequately, for that same split-focus reason.) Instead, to me, this was setting up for the future. It was foreshadowing.

Strong (female) characters should be allowed to have flaws and weaknesses. I also think Yor-and-Chad would be addressed in the future, but even if it doesn't, I have no issues with her forgetting him. As you said, Franky was the more memorable one.

I love Yor BECAUSE she is like this. I am literally using her character to heal myself. I relate to every insecurity she has, measuring my usefulness to those around me. Every time Twilight (in canon and fanon) tells her she's enough, it helps me.

She thinks her only useful quality is her strength. She demeans herself for not being able to fulfil any of the usual "womanly" qualities. She worries people (specifically Loid) would find her vulgar if she showed her physical strength, essentially removing the one point of her "usefulness" from her own list. She herself thinks she's too stupid. But the ones who love her aren't bothered by that.

The narrative doesn't call her dumb. She's repeatedly considered a pillar of Operation Strix, despite knowing nothing about it. And it all comes down to who SHE is. No other person could have managed to shoo-in Melinda into Twilight's office. Yor could, precisely because of her "dumb" nature – her kindness, naivety, and open-heartedness. Yor isn't practised or predictable. She doesn't calculate the benefit of doing something. She does it simply because she can help someone.

We're also repeatedly shown that she's trying to grow out of her comfort zones. Something that our typical "smart protagonist" Twilight is struggling to even begin.

But coming back to her being flawed, she messes up all the time. She IS ditzy. She IS scatterbrained. She DOESN'T know a lot of stuff. She IS inexperienced in most social situations (something she has in common with Yuri). She is working on what she can, but we love her the way she is. Twilight and Anya and Yuri and Melinda and her coworkers (somewhat) (and maybe her Director) love her the way she is. Because she is worth loving all of that. They're not doing her a favour. Her goodness and her heart exceed any flaw she has.

You've done a much better job encapsulating her character and how it is handled by Endo. But she is really important to me, so I felt compelled to say a few things.

As for Twilight and the tranq, I think the reason people get affected by it is because there's drugs involved. I understand why it triggers this feeling of uneasiness. The idea of a female character being drugged by a male character probably sets off alarms that are not really relevant in this context. But I understand why it feels so wrong. Maybe if he'd just thought of knocking her out with a strike to her neck, it would've been fine. He couldn't have done it in front of everyone, but people wouldn't have felt the ickiness, even if the end would have been the same.

But the context is so important. He's a spy. It was the only solution he came up with (with his pain and idiocy-addled brain) in a situation where they could get arrested. They were in real danger. And people keep forgetting – he was in pain! He wasn't thinking straight. He WAS being stupid. A few days back, Yor had hugged him of her own accord because she was terrified for his life. He thought she wouldn't immediately find a way to leave the party if he told her his stomach hurt? As you said, he gets punished for not trusting her, and for not analysing how he feels about her. We're not supposed to think he's smart for trying that. We're supposed to think he's an idiot. But, he wasn't being "icky" with that suggestion. He literally thinks, "I'm sorry, Yor. But for the sake of peace between East and West, I need you to take a little nap."

And I liked what you said about trusting each other – he isn't involving her in his decision to leave the party, and she isn't involving him in her decision to take their relationship forward. They're both trying their own thing, and that's the cause of their conflict. They're not on the same page at all. I love that so much.

(I'm late but whatever) Happy International Cat Day!

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