Callie POV

“Okay so picture this I’m in New York and everything is great. Sofia is there, I’m continuing my research with new people and they’re all great, and I have Penny. But I’m crying like all the time. And so Penny finally asks me what’s wrong and I say ‘I miss Seattle, like I really miss it.’ And so she asks me what I miss about Seattle if my life is here now? And I opened my mouth to say nothing but what comes out weirdly instead is Arizona. And so then we broke up. And then I came back.”

Meredith just stood there, stunned to silence by my presence and my admission. Her mouth was slightly agape as we stood in the doorway to her house, looking a little like she’d seen a ghost.

“Please say something, Mer.”

“Well, first, hi. Welcome back... I think.”

“Okay you can skip the pleasantries and go straight to telling me I’m crazy. Because I am crazy. Right? Less than a year ago I put her through a custody battle which was horrifying and then she let me take Sofia with me anyway so that I could go be happy with Penny. And now I’m standing in your doorway telling you that I just dropped that whole life and moved back here because of Arizona. Sooooo, crazy, right?”

I studied Meredith after I finished speaking and I have to say, her expression was completely unreadable.

“You’re talking to the woman who stuck her hand on a bomb in a body cavity and told a gunman to shoot her instead of my now dead husband, I wouldn’t call this crazy by my standards.”

I probably should have felt relieved by that statement but since her tolerance for crazy is so high, it isn’t terribly comforting.

“Have you told Arizona any of this?”

“Told her what? That I’ve lost my mind and I think I’m still in love with her? That I just dragged our seven year old back across the country because the life that I fought for in New York paled in comparison to the one I’d always imagined I’d have with her?”

“Wellllll... yeah, pretty much.”

I should not have come here for advice, next time, I’ll go see Bailey or maybe Karev because clearly Meredith has lost her mind too.

Before I could begin again, she interrupted, “Callie, you said it yourself, you’re still in love with her. And now that you’ve acknowledged that, you need to do something about it. She is still here, she’s still alive. I would give anything to be able to have another chance with Derek but you have a real opportunity because Arizona is still here. Don’t you dare waste that because you’re afraid of what might happen.”

I mean. She was right. Arizona is alive and I’m pretty sure I’m still in love with her. No, I just flew across the country days after breaking up with Penny because of Arizona, so I’m definitely still in love with her. So what is the problem?

“Callie? You still in there?” I forgot I had to actually say words out loud for Meredith to hear them.

“Yeah yeah, sorry. It’s just, what if she says she doesn’t love me anymore? What if she was happier when I was gone and coming back will only make her miserable?”

“I can’t tell you that that won’t happen. Because honestly, I don’t know what she’ll say. But I do know what the answer is if you say nothing at all.” Ugh, here she goes, she’s going to be right again and I’m going to have no choice but to listen, damn Meredith Grey and her sage advice. “She can’t say anything if you never give her the chance. Plus, I’d say she still loves you if I had to guess.”

“What? How? Why would you say that?” Had I missed something? Were Arizona and Meredith hanging out while I was gone and talking about me? Eating cheeseburgers?!

“Because, you dummy, the last thing that woman did was buy you plane tickets and send you off across the country with her daughter so that you could have your happy ending without her. If that’s not a woman in love, I don’t know what is.”

“I’ve always had a soft spot for the underdog. Chose my career, in large part, to advocate for others and to teach children how to advocate for themselves. I am fiercely private, and I’ve never enjoyed being in the spotlight or centering my story.

There is so much pain and injustice in the world, and it is hard for me to feel justified in asking for anyone’s focus right now. But it feels hypocritical to preach self advocacy by day and to quietly endure my own injustices by night, especially when I’ve been made aware of so many others who are facing the same struggle.

- - -

A year ago, Em and I decided that we were ready to expand our family. Obviously we aren’t able to go about that the exact same way our hetero friends do, but we made up our minds to make our experience as intimate and “normal” as possible. Despite my aversion to anything medical (mostly because I hate appointments in general), I sought the expertise of my OBGYN. For 8 months, I underwent various fertility tests, timed ovulation, and spent tens of thousands of dollars on donor sperm in our attempts to conceive at home. After 6 failed attempts, we tried two medicated cycles. Once those failed, we decided it was time to move on to more aggressive treatments. We had a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist who recommended “trying” in office on stronger fertility drugs and with monitored cycles. Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield denied our authorization for coverage the morning I went in for my first insemination. Out of pocket, each insemination costs $2300. Donor sperm runs around $1000 per vial. After countless calls back and forth to my doctor and the insurance company, Horizon overturned their decision and granted coverage.

Two medicated and monitored cycles later, my doctor called me with my latest failed pregnancy test and made the recommendation to move to IVF. Out of medical necessity.

To be clear, this is not the conception anyone dreams of. It was not our first choice, our end goal, or a convenient way to bypass other steps that should be taken on our fertility journey.

Despite evidence, yes actual receipts, that we have been trying for a year, a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, and my doctor’s recommendation that we cease current treatments and move to the more aggressive IVF, my insurance company has denied the procedure yet again. They are denying me based on my inability to prove “medical necessity”. They are discounting any attempts made prior to working with a specialist because they need “more proof” that said attempts were made. What kind of proof do couples typically bring to prove they have been trying to conceive?

The kicker is, this exact Horizon plan considers treatment necessary for heterosexual couples after they self-report that they have been unsuccessful for a year. They are required to receive three treatments in office and then they qualify for IVF.