Hockey obsessed

“Yeah, I mean Ottawa would be perfect. You already play here and I’ve almost gotten used to this city. Calgary, Edmonton, Winnipeg are around there as well. There not as close as Ottawa but still Canada. Maybe there’s some other smaller cities…”

“Y/N, there are no real small cities. And you can barely tolerate Ottawa and it’s one of the smaller ones… Detroit’s close and-“

“But it’s so industrial and dark and… I don’t know, Travis. I just… What if it’s somewhere far away?”

“You’ll come with me… I’m not leaving you behind and I know you don’t like cities and would rather live here on the farm but I can’t change it.”

You let out a deep breath. “Travis, I just.. I want to come with you, I do. But I’m not made for a big city. I love my friends, my family, everything we’ve got here. And dragging me into some big city far away, feels a lot like locking me up in a cage. And you know how much I value freedom.”

“But you’ll make new friends, and you’ll warm up to living in a city, just like you did with Ottawa. WE can do this, we’re going to be just fine, okay?”

When you looked into his eyes you could see how sure he was of this, so you slowly exhaled.

“Okay. But promise me that you’re not gonna do this to me. If it’s someplace too big or to constricting for me, you won’t keep me locked in a cage. Promise me you won’t clip my wings.”

He gave you a soft smile and slowly caressed your face before his expression turned serious.

“I promise I won’t do this to you.”

 You were struggling to breath, trying to gasp for air.

“No, no no no. This is not…” You didn’t really know where you were going with this. Your heart was aching more than it had in a while. The things was he was right. You could almost hear 17 year old Travis saying it. He had promised you. He had promised you to not constrict you, promised you to not take you into some big dark city. How you hated cities. Or at least used to hate them.

He meant to do the right thing, at the wrong time. And how wrong he had been…

“I didn’t want you to have this life, you deserved someone better. Someone who is there for you all the time. Someone who doesn’t spent most of his time on the road while you are left behind in some apartment, some city that you hate. Before I was drafted I promised you I would never do this to you. Lock you in a cage, clip your wings as you said. You hated the city, you hated the thought of being away from your family and friends. You loved being outside, being in nature. Port Stanley, the lake, the farm. This life here is everything you hate. And I would not put you through this, no matter how much I loved you.”

This felt like a dagger straight through your heart. You really couldn’t imagine yourself living that life back then.

“I moved here for you, Travis. Because I loved you. And…” He took the words straight out of your mouth.

“That’s what I mean, Y/N. I didn’t want you to give up your dream life just for me. Can’t you see that?

“Hah…” your laugh sounded bitter, almost cruel. “How couldn’t you see how happy I was? I wanted that life Travis! You didn’t do this to me. I choose to come to Philly Travis! I made the final decisions. Because I loved you. Because it was worth it to me. But do you know what you really did? You left me! On our wedding day. And I tried to come after you but you already left. And I waited and waited and waited in our house. The house we were supposed to grown old together. Spend our time in the off season. Raise our kids.”

You paused trying to get some air in, now you felt like you were being constricted. Travis’ hand moved towards you, he tried to reach out to you but you pulled back. Took a step back, trying to get some more space between the two of you. You took a deep breath.

“But then Nolan told me where you were and that you wouldn’t come back. You never came back! So when Nolan left I burned the letter and started packing everything up. By midnight of that day I was gone.”  

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“Don’t! Sorry just doesn’t cut it.”

There were many moments were you felt broken, shattered in the last few years. But were have you felt this low. And little. And humiliated. You felt like the invisible hand around your neck had tightened. You needed to get out of here.

“I..  can’t do this, Trav. I need… time.” You barely got those words over your lips. You could see that Travis wanted to say something, reach out to you in any way. But he didn’t. He knew better than that. So he watched you get in your car and drive off into the distance. Probably trying to put as much space as possible in between the two of you.  

---------------

You threw yourself into work after that. Week after week. Occasionally meeting up with the girls or some of the guys on the team. You knew better this time than to push Nolan out of your life. You started to help Maddie with the wedding planning, even if you felt a little tug in your heart everytime you did. You felt like you were starting to get your life back a bit. Piece by piece.

It was a Sunday afternoon in late March when you felt a sudden urge to clean your apartment. You went through the kitchen, the living room and were just about starting in your room when your eyes fell onto a drawer in your room. And suddenly you felt like you knew exactly what you had to do. You felt pretty erratic and your mind was racing.

Within 20 minutes you were sitting your car in front of a building halfway through town. And for the next 10 minutes you contemplated whether this was actually the right thing to do. Was this really what you wanted? Should you really go through with it? But you were already here, so you exited the car.

Only when you walked through the lobby you realised that you weren’t sue how to get to his apartment. He wasn’t living in the same building anymore, then you used to live in. The receptionist probably wouldn’t just let you in and you didn’t really felt like explaining your situation to the receptionist.

So instead you exited the building and made your way back to the car. You needed to talk to him, now. Before you run again.

You didn’t have his number either so you texted Nolan to text Travis to come outside. You felt pretty weird, almost like some stalker waiting in front of a building until the person left the building or so. Thankfully, it didn’t take Nolan very long to respond and telling you that he texted Travis. He also mentioned that Travis hadn’t read the text yet.

You were still staring at you phone waiting for Nolan to update you when he exited the building and walked towards you. His steps were cautious and he seemed pretty tired. When he finally was a few steps away you felt your mind catch up.

“Uhh, I was just in the neighbourhood…” What a dumb thing to say, Y/N; you thought. He knew this was a lie. You were never in this area of town. But Travis seemed more confused than anything.

“Ah, yeah okay… What’s going on?” He seemed more nervous than usual. His confidence seemed non existent at this moment. He looked like a deer in the headlights. Well, you came to him so you might as well say what you came here for.

“I thought a lot about us after that conversation, Travis.” He looked guilty at the mention of your last conversation.

“You know, the reason why I burned that letter that day was because I thought that no matter what the reason was, it wouldn’t matter. Because in the end you left me. Yes, I wanted to know the reason why you did it. But it doesn’t change anything. No reason truly justifies what you did to me. Or makes up for all the pain. It just gives me clearance. You know even with that good intention, I just don’t understand why you didn’t ever talk to me about it. We were 17 when we made that promise and I don’t think we ever brought it up again.”

Travis was shaking his head desperately, you were pretty sure he knew where this was going.

“Please don’t, Y/N. Please…” But he knew he was losing this game.

“We’re not the Y/N and Travis that we once were. Not anymore. And we never will be, Travis. Believe me I want nothing more than to go back to that time. To that couple that we used to be. But this is never going to happen Travis and we both have to accept that.”

“You don’t know that, I mean you can’t just give up. I can’t do this without you.”

“You gave up on us a long time ago. And yes, you can. You’ve done it before. Just this time, I’m going to be the one who walks away.”

“Y/N…”

You stepped towards and took his hands in yours as you leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheeks. As you pulled away you placed something into his palms.

“Goodbye, Travis”

You stepped back towards your car as he looked down at his hands.

The little velvet box with your engagement ring.

And he knew that this was it.

Game over.

 ------------------------------------

The rest of the school year passed quickly and soon summer came around. You had been so busy teaching and helping Maddie with the wedding, time had flown by quickly. You hadn’t seen Travis again and you felt yourself heal again. You knew that there would always be a piece of you that would never be over him. A little piece of your heart would belong to him. But slowly you came to terms with the fact the the rest of your heart wouldn’t.

It was mid July now and Maddie’s wedding was finally here. You had been busy all weekend and you finally felt yourself able to relax as you were sitting in a chair getting your make up done.

“He’s gonna be here. He’s invited.” Maddie glanced over her shoulder towards you as her hairstylist send her a glare for moving around.

“I know Maddie, I’ll be fine.” You weren’t sure if that was actually true but at least you could try to make yourself believe that. Maddie didn’t comment on that but you were sure that she wasn’t really believing you.

The ceremony was drawing closer as you helped with Maddie’s dress and later slipped into your dress as well.

Eventually there was a knock on the door from Kevin, who was picking you up to walk you downstairs to the ceremony. He offered to be your date. He was one of the only single guys that you knew and you were sure that I wouldn’t hurt to have him by your side.

“Ahh, of you’re you look absolutely beautiful.” He gave you a beaming smile as he escorted you to the down the stairs and outside.

“You look sharp too, Kev. A real suit guy.” You winked at him as his booming laugh shook his body.

“Okay, calm down with that roasting.” He wasn’t really serious though, he loved when you chirped him.

“When your big day coming anyway? Ever gonna settle down?” Your eyes glinted, you knew how much he wanted to get married and have kids.

He just scoffed before replying,

“Yeah, yeah. One day I will find the right girl, you just wait.”

You started to mix with other guest as more people were drawing in, since the ceremony was coming closer. You spoke to some of the guys, found Nolan and Kelsey before going of to the side the catch some air.

You overlooked the seats and the aisle leading towards a little podium and you felt that heartache again. You just couldn’t quiet shake that wedding sadness. You were lost in thought when you felt someone approaching.  

You knew it was him behind you before you even turned around. The two of you had seemingly always had that. That special connection. That buzzing feeling you would get if he was close to you. The way you would always find each other in a crowded room. Like two magnets pulling towards each other.

And knowing that you would never get that with anyone else, ever, made your heart feel heavy. Travis had always been the one for you and no matter how hard you tried nobody could ever take his spot. You could love someone, yes. You could even see yourself spend your life with someone. But this person could never be him. They would never be able to make you feel what he did. You could never get that special connection, that buzzing feeling with anyone else, ever.

“I’m sure you’ve already been told but… You look stunning, Y/N!” He stepped beside you while you turned to face him. He was dressed in your favourite navy suit and a crisp white dress shirt. He wasn’t wearing a tie, the top buttons of his shirt were unbuttoned instead. He gave you a shy smile. One that told you that he wasn’t entirely sure whether he just stepped over a line or not.

“Thank you. You don’t look to bad yourself, Travis.” An you meant it. He did look good. Better than he had in months. The bags under his eyes had disappeared, he looked younger now. More like his actual age. And there was a glint in his eyes. The sparkle that you used to love so much.

He stayed silent for a bit. You could see he was deep in thought, somewhere else even though physically he was beside you.  Just when you got used to the silence between you two, he spoke up again.

“You were right. We’re not the same people we once were. And we never will be. We will never be the Y/N and Travis we once were. And we will never be the couple we were then. People change and people grow. You’re not the same person at 20 than you were at 17. And you’re not the same person now than what you were at 20. And I just know that the person that I am now loves you just as much as the person I was at 20. Or the boy I was at 17. And I know that I will still love you when I’m 40. Or 70. I will never stop loving you, Y/N.”

He took a deep breath, trying to sort the words that were swirling around in his head into a sentence. His little speech left you breathless. You were sure he had been thinking about this for weeks. And he was right, people do change and people grow. But that doesn’t always mean that people grow in the same direction.

“I’ve always wanted this, you know?” He was gesturing around him. “Since I met you I knew that you were the one for me. That you were the one I was going to marry one day. You were the person I wanted to have kids with. I wanted this life for us so bad, I lost sight of us. I lost myself and the person I used to be. And when I realised that I felt like I had already pushed you into it. So I did the only thing I knew. I ran.”

Your heart felt heavy and looking at him wasn’t helping. He wasn’t looking at you, his eyes were trained on the ground but you could see the glazing over his eyes. He was close to tears and this truly hit home to you.

He had told you so many times that he didn’t intent to hurt you but you never believed him, how could you? But now you understood that he truly thought it was the only way. That he had already pushed you too far into the cage to retrack what he had done. That the only way to keep you from losing your freedom was to let you go. To leave the cage open and walk away.

He got it all wrong though. Because you didn’t feel like he was putting you in a cage or clipping your wings.

“I wanted to marry you, Travis. You weren’t pressuring me into it.” He had to know that, the last thing you wanted was for him to carry that guilt around.

He finally turned his gaze towards you and looked you in the eyes. His lips were pressed into a pained line.

“I know. I know that now.” His eyes searched for yours before he slowly took a step towards you.

He brushed a hair out of your face before giving you a quick kiss on your forehead.

“Enjoy the wedding. I might see you later.”  

The gesture was so sweet, so intimate. It felt so domestic, like something he would do everyday. A painful thought crossed your brain then. It felt so domestic because he used to do it everyday.

“You ruined weddings for me.” You didn’t mean to say those words out loud, you weren’t even consciously thinking them and to be honest you thought he was out of earshot already. But he stopped in his track and turned back to you. You didn’t dare to fully turn around, only just looking over your shoulder.

“I’ve ruined a lot of things for you, Y/N. I wish I could undo it.” And with that he vanished into the crowd.

You endured the ceremony. Well maybe that’s a bit harsh. You were happy for Maddie and Provy and the ceremony was incredibly beautiful. But you couldn’t help the bitter taste in your mouth. This should have been Travis and you, 3 years ago.

You let the wedding pass over you, you enjoyed hanging out with the team, catching up with the girls, you even let Kevin drag you to the dance floor.

You tiredly let yourself fall into a chair besides Kevin. You followed his gaze to another table. Travis was sitting there, seemingly without much company. You didn’t know whether he had  a date or not but by the looks of it was he here by himself. Kevin must have noticed that you were looking at Travis.

“If you’re ever going to forgive him and give him another chance, might as well do it now. I know he will wait for you for as long as you want but… you never know how long someone is going to stay in your life. Take it from someone who had both parents go through cancer and nearly lost a leg, okay? Life won’t wait around for you. Don’t let it pass you by.”

With that he rose from his chair beside you. You wanted to make some funny remark about him being all poetic and shit but he had already made his way towards the bar. You followed his advice non the less and made your way towards Travis.

“This seat taken?” He nearly fell off his chair once he realised who asked the question.

“Of course! Uh, I mean, no it’s not taken.” You chuckled at him stumbling over those words. You sat down.

“You seem lonely, no date?” The words were out of your mouth before you could stop them. Was this to much? Did you step over a line? Travis seemed to relax himself and smiled.

“Ah haha, yeah no date. You came with Kevin?” It was nonchalant but you knew the deeper meaning behind his question.

“Yeah, always better to come with a friend than alone, you know.”

He nodded agreeingly before an uncomfortable silence fell between the two of you.

The songs were a slower than before which meant they weren’t as tiring as before. And before you could stop yourself your suggestion had already crossed your lips.

“Do you wanna dance?”  

An immediate smile spread across Travis’ face. “Yeah, of course. I mean if that’s what you want.”

You laughed quietly and nodded. “Yeah, I’d like that. Just don’t step on my feet.”

“I try my best.”

For a bit the two of you swayed quietly to the music. It was already rather late so there weren’t to may people on the dance floor. The song changed and you let out a dry laugh as you realised what song had come on. Travis must have notice your reaction too.

“What?” He looked confused. “What’s funny.”

“Nothing, just the song.” He stilled and listened to the music. It was a Lewis Capaldi song. And it hit closer to home than you liked.

I've been holding on to hope That you'll come back when you can find some peace 'Cause every word that I've heard spoken Since you left feels like an hollow street

 The song perfectly seemed to portray you and Travis. You felt your emotion dwelling up, as you heard the next verse.

I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind Oh my lord, oh my lord, I need you by my side

 You let out a choked laugh. “I wish I could get you off my mind, but I can’t. Part of me will always be yours, Trav.” You gave him small smile before singing that verse again as it was repeated.

“I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind, but I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind. Oh my lord, oh my lord, I need you by my side.”

Travis seemed to understand your involvement with the lyrics as he gave you a sad smile.

“I was such a coward. I’m sorry Y/N.” He brushed a tear away that had started to roll down your cheek. “I should have fought for us, instead I gave up on us. I thought that the only way to give you the freedom I promised you, was to let go of you, to leave you. I was too much of a coward to let you fly free, because I thought you’d slip away and then I lost you anyway. I know you wanted to get married too but I should have never put that much pressure on it. I’m truly sorry.”

You leaned you forehead against his as you still slowly moved with the music. The song had changed now.

“I know Trav. I know. Do you think that one day we can be Y/N and Travis again? I mean not the same as we used to but a grown version. Do you think it could work again?”

You could hear Travis holding his breath as he patiently listened to you. His eyes were trained on yours, searching for meaning behind your words.

“Yeah, I think so. If you give me another chance I will prove it to you. Okay?”

You felt your heart speeding up at his words. Take a chance, you thought, before life passes you by. But instead of answering you leaned in and slowly connected your lips with his. The kiss was slow almost shy at first before Travis started to deepen it. Once you broke apart Travis slowly stroked your cheek before murmuring,

“You’re my always, you know that right?”

 Epilogue:

The two of you took it slow afterwards. Both of you needed to get to know each other again, ease into each other again. But it felt right. Being with Travis had always felt right. Once your lease was up you move in with him and you were thankful that he wasn’t living in your old house anymore. As much as you loved your old place that you had together and all the memories that came with it, you needed something else. After all you weren’t the people that you used to be then. And that was a good thing.

He never asked you to marry him. One day a little box with an new engagement ring had just been placed onto your nightstand. Travis only comment to this was that he had already proposed to you and that this time you were calling the shots when you felt ready to marry him. And whenever you felt ready the ring would be there. He let the old engagement ring be made into a pendant since it was to meaningful to your relationship to give it away and to pretty to just let it sit in a box. And now you were wearing one around your finger and one around your neck, close to your heart as Travis liked to say.

And then the day was here. You knew you were ready but that didn’t mean that you weren’t feeling a tiny bit anxious about your wedding day.

Maddie looked over your shoulder and soothingly rubbed your back.

“You’re going to be the most beautiful bride.” She gave you one of her bright smiles.

You quietly laughed. “As if Maddie. You looked like some top model or something at your wedding. But I’ll gladly take second.”

Maddie erupted in laughter while you gave her a sly smile. Her expression turned serious again as she eyed the object in your hands.

“You’re gonna have to tell him eventually, Y/N.”

She was right, of course. And you knew you had to tell him sooner or later. You couldn’t keep it from him forever.

“I’ll go and get you something to drink, some water or something.” Maddie gave you a soft smile before making her way to the door. Just before she closed the door behind her you heard her say:

“What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here now…”

You felt like your heart stopped beating for a moment. An unwanted flashback crossed your brain.

The mental picture of Nolan making his way towards you with that cautious expression on his face.

“He’s not coming, Y/N.”  Those words would probably haunt you forever.

Just as you felt yourself starting to panic Travis appeared in the doorway and quickly closed the door behind him.

“Travis?!” You probably looked like you just saw the lochness monster or something. What was he even doing here?

He approached you with a sly smile on his face.

“Hey, babe.” “You’re not supposed to see me before the ceremony..” Your words lacked any kind of force or enthusiasm. And before you knew your soon to be husband had engulfed you in a hug.

“What? Who said that?” His voice was light, almost joking.

“It brings bad luck or misfortune if the groom sees the bride before the ceremony.” Your explanation sounded lame and you were actually happy to see him even if your initial surprise might let him believe otherwise.

He chuckled before giving you a quick kiss on the lips. “Ahh, that sounds pretty stupid. And you can’t blame me for wanting to say good morning to my wife.”

His eyes searched for yours while he gave you his brightest smile. You couldn’t help but chuckle at his antics. Then you remembered the object you’d held in your hands just a few moments before and you got serious again. Now was as good of a moment than ever.

“There’s something I have to tell you.” You felt yourself grow nervous, you knew there was no reason for it but you couldn’t help it.

“Don’t tell me you want to run away this time.” He was joking, a smirk plastered all over his face.

“Travis I’m serious!” At that his smile dropped. Uncertainty crossed his features.

You grabbed the little square paper you had put down moments ago.

“I’m pregnant.” You breathed out while handing him the ultrasound. His eyes nearly popped out of his head while he stared at the picture.

“I.. I … You..” He seemed lost for words and you were almost starting to get worried when he lifted him head up and looked into your eyes. He seemed to explode with happiness.

“I’m going to be a dad? This is not a joke right? We’re having a baby?” You could just nod as he picked you up and spun you around.

“Oh my god, this is the best day of my life.” He nearly knocked his head with yours as he dove in to give you a deep kiss. Once you pulled apart and you found your breath you spoke up.

“Promise me something, Travis. Promise me you won’t run again. Promise me that you’ll fight for us no matter what we face. Don’t ever let me go again, Trav.”

“Never! I promise.”

Nobody else on the team knew anything more about your suspicion. They were just as clueless as you were about what exactly happened.

Christmas was coming around and you were busy with work most days. You were still hanging out with some of the boys and the girls on the team, just not as frequent. And even though the situation with Travis still wasn’t really resolved you were trying to avoid him. Not that he was looking for you or reach out for you, but you made sure that there wasn’t a chance of an unexpected run in like there had been at Halloween.

You mostly hung out with Kevin. Nolan was hanging out with Kelsey most days and as much as you loved both of them, you tried to stay away from third wheeling a couple for now. And Kev was fun to hang out. He never pressed the Travis issue and was always able to get your head away from work.

And it was just before Christmas when Maddie broke the happy news to you. Provy proposed to her and you needed to be one of the first to know. At least that’s what she was telling you when she stormed your apartment that day. You were happy for her, they were a great couple but you couldn’t help the heavy heart you got when she mentioned what her dream wedding looked like. You smiled through her showing you her wedding pinterest and telling you about the place she wanted to get married at. That the wedding would be perfect.

You felt a sab in your heart. Your wedding was perfect, everything had been picture perfect. Besides that one thing. That ruined everything.

 He slowly shook his head. “He’s not coming, Y/N.”

At first you couldn’t believe it. You couldn’t really understand, you didn’t want to understand because understanding would also mean that you in a way accepted it. And you didn’t.

“No, Nolan. This can’t be right. Maybe… maybe you misunderstood him. I.. I-“ There wasn’t anything he could say that would make this hurt less and he needed to tell you the truth. He couldn’t sugarcoat this. No matter how many times Nolan had protected you before, tried to keep you out of harms, this time he wouldn’t be able to do so anymore. He couldn’t protect you from harm. From heartbreak.

“He called the wedding off, Y/N. I’m so sorry-“ You couldn’t listen to him and you didn’t want to. You didn’t want to hear him apologize for something he didn’t do.

“I have to talk to him, Nolan. Where is he?” Nolan stayed silent and you could already guess his answer but you weren’t just heartbroken anymore. You were angry.

“WHERE IS HE?” You barely raised your voice and Nolan visibly flinched at your change in tone.

“He already left.”  You were in denial and angry so you were only half registering what Nolan said. And as much as Nolan tried to convince you that he’d already left and that it was stupid to run all the way to the room where he was supposed to get dress for his own wedding, you weren’t listening.

You swung the door to his room open, by now halfway believing Nolan that he had left and expecting an empty room, but you were met with Travis’ silhouette. At least you mistook it for his silhouette for a second. His brother had enough similarity to Travis to fool you at first glance.

Then Chase turned around and the expression on his face would have broken you if your heart hadn’t already been shattered minutes prior.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. He’s gone.” He looked at you the same way Nolan had. Full of pity, sorrowful, hurt.

You only spotted the letter he had in his hand once he stepped closer to you.

“He asked me to give you this.” He handed you the letter but before he could blink you had thrown it across the room. “Why didn’t you stop him Chase!” You were hammering your fists onto his chest. You knew it wasn’t his fault but your anger had taken over, he slowly caught your wrists while your punches lost force. “I tried Y/N, believe me I tried.”

You didn’t wanna hear it, you ripped your wrists from his grasp and made your way out the door. Nolan’s “Where are you doing?” were left unanswered.

On your way out you ran into Maddie. And apparently everyone already knew that the wedding was called off. You brushed off her inquiries about your well being and quickly appointed her to your personal chauffeur. You could sense that she wanted to fight this but by now you had turned into full on bridezilla and she knew better than to get in your way.

She had barely stopped the car in front of yours and Travis’ shared house before you jumped out and made your way up the stairs. And for the next couple minutes you ran around your house like a mad person, still in your gown and everything while trying to process what had happened.

When you came to a standstill Maddie was already standing in the doorway.

“Y/N…” Her tone was cautious but laced with pain. She hated to see you this broken and she hated Travis for doing this to you.

“He’s gone..” You said it more to yourself than to her but it was still loud enough for her to hear it.  

“What..-“ Maddie barely got a word out. She knew Travis left the wedding but this felt different. It felt worse.

“His suitcase for our honeymoon is gone.” You gestured towards an area in the entryway. “His favourite snapbacks…” You moved towards an empty shelf. “His fishing rods… All the dog leashes… His grandmother’s picture on the nightstand… Everything that’s important to him… It’s all gone..”

This was it. This was your breaking point, for the first time that day you started to cry. “He’s gone, Maddie.” You sobbed under tears while she rushed to you to you. You felt yourself starting to hyperventilate, you were panicking.

“Ahrgh,.. get me… out.. get me out of this.” You were trying to rip your dress from your body but the lacing on the back kept it in place.

“Hey, hey, hey, Y/N. Breath Y/N, breath. I’m getting you out of this.”

It felt like forever till she had finally cut all the lacing open and shed you from your wedding dress. Your entire body was shaking as you fell onto your knees and completely broke down.

“It’s over, Maddie. It’s over.”

-----------------------------------

You had holed yourself up in your house for the next days. You didn’t want to see anyone right now. You knew they meant well, you just couldn’t take it. The only people you let in were Nolan for his daily check ups, Maddie and your sister. The day before Maddie had told you that she needed to get back home and that she would see you in Philly soon. You knew that you wouldn’t but she didn’t had to know that now. You weren’t in the mood to explain that your life in Philly was over. So you just nodded in agreement and said your goodbyes to her. This morning your sister had dropped to tell you that she had to fly back home. But not before telling you that you should consider coming home for a while as well. Your parents home or your sisters were always open for you. You tried to fight her, tell her that as long as you stayed here you weren’t giving up, that there was still a chance but deep down you had already contemplated the move back home before she had brought it up.

Now Nolan was sitting on one of the kitchen stools, nervously bouncing his legs. It was driving you nuts. You knew there was something he wasn’t telling you and you also knew that he was aware that you sensed this.

“Spit it out Nolan. What is it?” Your tone was irritated.

He took a deep breath before making eye contact with you.

“Chase got a hold of Travis.” His eyes were searching yours for a reaction before he continued

“He’s in Fiji. And he told Chase to move all his remaining stuff out of your house if you want to stay here. He won’t be back here for a while.”

You knew this was coming, deep down you knew he wouldn’t come back to you. But it still hurt more than you thought it would. It was over.

“Fiji? Please tell me he’s-“ Your voice broke before you could finish the sentence but Nolan knew what you were gonna ask anyway. His slight nod let you know what you wanted to know soon enough.

“Please tell me he’s by himself. That he didn’t take some mistress to our Honeymoon resort..”

Nolan’s eyes went wide. “I don’t know if he’s alone or not… You don’t.. you don’t think he’s cheating on you? Y/N?” He was almost to shocked to form a coherent sentence.

“I don’t know, Nolan…” You felt tired. And numb. Suddenly you felt like Nolan’s presence was crushing you.

“Thanks for stopping by Nolan.” Your tone made it clear that he wasn’t welcomed anymore. It was cold and unfair what you did to Nolan but you wanted to be alone.

It took you a while to realise that he left something on your kitchen island after he left. It dawned on you what it was after you picked it up. The letter you threw across the room that Chase gave you. It had your name on top of it in Travis’ scrawny handwriting.

You turned towards one of the kitchen drawers and started searching through them until you found what you were looking for.

For a moment the thought of burning the entire house down crossed you mind. No, you could probably go to jail for that. The letter, however, went up in flames seconds later.  

That afternoon you cleared everything that fit in your car out of your house. You had made your choice. The life you once had was gone. Travis wasn’t coming back to you. So instead of trying to hang onto a life that was only inflicting you pain you decided to leave it behind. All of it. Travis, the dogs, the house, Nolan, all your friends in Philly. An entire life, really.

By the time Nolan came around the next day for this next check up you were already miles away from your old life. You said goodbye to the last pieces of that life a few weeks later. By now you were able to transfer to a local school near your hometown. You emptied everything that belonged to you out of your and Travis’ shared Philly place.

Quietly, like a ghost, you vanished from your past life until there were no traces of you left anymore.

You tried to share Maddie’s excitement as much as you could. She knew herself that this wasn’t easy for you and was a little more lenient than usual. You also got invited to the Flyers Christmas party but had to decline because you already had something school related that evening. In a way you were relieved that you had an excuse but you were also a bit sad since you loved hanging out with the team.

It was already mid January when you saw Travis again. Strictly by coincidence. It had nothing to do with the team or Nolan or Kevin. You were out shopping but since you were looking for something different than usual, something for your students actually, you found yourself on the other side of town. Not in your wildest dreams did you think you would run into Travis in a parking lot. You probably wouldn’t have even noticed him if he hadn’t called out to you.

“Oh, hey Travis” You were sure he realised how shocked you were to see him, and he kinda looked at you the same way. Like two aliens from the same planet meeting each other on another planet or something. At least that’s how it looked to you.

“How are you Y/N?” His voice was soft, contrary to his appearance.

Was he seriously trying to make small talk with you in parking lot?

“Good. Busy with school and stuff.” You weren’t quite sure what to say, were you just gonna talk like some people who barely knew each other? Or was there more behind his question?

“Ah, yeah, Haysey told be that you’re teaching in Philly again.” You raised your eyebrows, he talked with Kev about you? He seemed to notice your questioning look on your face.

“I ask him about it. I just wanted to know how you’re doing.” Your heart sunk towards your feet at his words. You wished he didn’t care so much, it would be easier if he wasn’t trying so hard to fix this.

“Yeahh… It’s good.” You turned back towards your car, enough small talk.

“Don’t just run away again, Y/N. I’m trying, I am.”

You felt your emotions flare up again. Why couldn’t he just let it be?

“Your not trying hard enough.”

He was stroking through his hair in despair.

“What do you want me to do then?” You stared at him. How many times did you have to tell him again? Why couldn’t he answer the one question you wanted to know.

“I want you to tell me the real reason! What was in that letter Travis?”

“ I didn’t mean to hurt you, Y/N.” You scoffed, of course he would deflect again. He always did. “Oh really? What did you think would happen when you left me at the altar then? That I would be happy? Why Travis, why? I just don’t understand your reason.”

“Why is it so important to you? Why do I have to explain my reasons to you? I fucked up, ok? I made the biggest mistake of my life. I ruined my life. And I’m so sorry, Y/N. If I could turn back time I would do it all differently. In a perfect life I would have married you and we would have kids by now. But I fucked that up. It was all my fault and I’m so so sorry. Isn’t that enough?”

You stared at him for a while. You knew he would wait til you spoke up. You slowly shook your head.

“No, it’s not. I wanna know the real reason. I know there is one.” You tried your hardest to keep your voice steady.

“Why do you wanna know so bad?!” His voice was rising and so was yours as you shouted,

“Because I need to know it to move on!” Travis was visibly taken aback. He looked like someone slapped him in the face. He was left speechless so you continued.

“Since the wedding I’ve been running away from it all. From all the memories, from the pain, from my life, my friends. I thought that running away would ease the pain. I thought I could move on. But deep down all the pain was still there, bottled up deep down. And I realise now that I have to face it and work through it to move on. But I need to make peace with the reason why you left me, I…-”

You didn’t get any further before Travis finally found his voice.

“Move on? You’re… you’re moving on? I thought we could work this out.”

You looked at the sky and let out something between a laugh and a groan.

“There’s nothing to work on, Travis. There is no us, not anymore.”

“But you still love me!” He sounded angry now, his tone throwing you off guard.

“No, I don’t. Not anymore.” That was a lie, but you couldn’t give him any hope. Not when you’d already lost yours.

“That’s a lie, Y/N. I know you and I know when you’re lying.”

“You used to know me, Travis. Not anymore. Things have changed. The pain you put me through changed me.”

Even a complete stranger could detect the absolute agony in your voice when you said that. And Travis knew that you meant it, you wanted to move on.

Defeated he turned away from you, he didn’t want to tell you the reason. Especially not when knowing that it meant that you would move on once he told you. But he had to, he owed that to you. Even if it was the last thing he would ever get to say to you, he owed that to you.

“It’s not any of the reason that you think. There was never anyone else. And I knew that I would never find anyone better than you. But I promised you, I promised I wouldn’t do this to you.”

It took you a moment to understand what he was talking about. What promise he meant. And when you did, suddenly everything seemed to fall apart inside you. A silent sob escaped your lips. A disbelieving, shocked “No..” was all you came up with. This couldn’t be true. He’d turned around now and when you looked at him you could see that silent tears were running down his face. You didn’t remember ever seeing him in so much despair.

“ I promised you, Y/N…”

“Damn, you look a lot worse than I expected you to.” This was all you were greeted with as Nolan moved past you into your apartment.

“It’s nice to see you too, Nols.” You scoffed sarcastically.

He sat down at the kitchen island and waited for you to join him. Both of you stayed silent as Nolan let his gaze wander over the mess in your kitchen. Surprisingly, he didn’t comment on it, a quick headshake was all that you got.

“I know Haysey already told you that we didn’t know that he would show, but I just needed to tell you myself. We really didn’t know. He wasn’t even invited and I have no idea why he thought he needed to make an appearance. I’m sorry, Y/N.”

You knew that he felt bad, just like Kevin. But it wasn’t their fault. And as much as you wished not to have to see him, you also knew that there always was a chance that you’d crossed paths somewhere.

“It’s fine, Nols. I’m not mad and you did nothing wrong, so no need to apologize. It should probably be me apologizing, after all I’m the one who called his girlfriend a puckbunny, so… “

Nolan chuckled at your words. “I’m pretty sure they’re not dating, so don’t be sorry. I mean, I thought it seemed to be very fitting for her but anyway… Let’s forget about that.”

You gladly accepted. The two of you hung out for another hour or so, before Nolan decided that he probably shut head over to Kelsey’s.

 Sometime in the afternoon Kevin texted you and asked if you wanted to hang out in the evening. You agreed to it even though you knew that Kevin would bring up the whole Travis thing as well.

It did take Kevin surprisingly long til he brought Travis up though. And you knew that this conversation was about to come.

“He called me today.” Kevin didn’t have to name any names for you to know he was talking about him. “And he asked about you.”

You waited for him to keep going but he stayed silent.

“So?” Kevin exhaled loudly and made eye contact with you. “I just thought you wanted to know…”

“Do I?” You couldn’t stop your voice from being laced with poison. You were being rude and you knew it. Kevin never asked to be dragged into this.

“Ahh, I don’t know Y/N. Come on, I’m trying here. Well anyway, he wanted to know about you. What you were doing at the party. Why we went together. Why you’re in Philly.”

You felt irritated. Why on earth would he care. He felt. He had no right to ask Kevin about you.

“So you told him, huh?” You were being unfair, you knew you had to stop acting like a bitch towards Kev, but God you couldn’t help it.

“ No, Y/N! I didn’t. I didn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want you to get hurt-“

“You also told him that he wouldn’t show to the party.” That was low, even for you.

“For fucks sake, Y/N! He wasn’t invited, he wasn’t supposed to show up, okay? I get it, you never wanted to see him again but it’s to late now. Just don’t take your anger out on me, I did nothing wrong.”

You deserved to be called out like this. He was right after all, you had taken it out on him. And Nolan. And neither of them did anything wrong.

“So what do I do now? I mean this is the exact reason why I left that life behind. Because even though you’re my family, it also means that everything I tried to avoid is catching up to me. And I don’t know how to handle that, Kev.”

“But you can’t run away anymore, Y/N. You have to face it. And maybe talking to him would do you good. You know, talking like adults. Civilized.” He meant well but you still felt like he was accusing you.

“Civilized? So I don’t know how to talk civilized?” There was disbelief in your voice. Was he serious?

“No, you do… It’s just that swearing at him and calling him names won’t get you anywhere. That’s all I’m saying.” He was right but you still hated to hear it. There was so much pent up emotion inside you, you had to get rid of it somehow.

“I know what you mean Kev. But I can’t just forgive him…”

“And I’m not asking you to. But I know that you want to know the reason and you won’t get an answer unless you talk to him. An I know he wants to talk to you…”

He was speaking softly, quietly asking you to speak to Travis. You were walking a fine line, you knew that. But you were also painfully aware of the fact that you wouldn’t get any better unless you started to face this. Face him. And your feelings towards him.  

----------------

Every turn Kevin made, made you feel more nauseous. The closer you got to him the more you felt like you couldn’t breathe.

“I don’t know if I can do this Kev.” Your voice felt weak, barely above a whisper.

Kevin quickly glanced over to you in the passenger seat. A worried look flashed over his face.

“Yes you can, Y/N. At least try okay? You agreed to meet him and if it gets to much, I’m gonna be waiting in the car, okay? And I’ll keep an eye on you.”

You felt yourself relax slightly. You were still nervous but knowing that Kevin was close by, put you slightly at ease. You had to do this. For you.  

Kevin parked the car in a parking space beside the sidewalk, only meters from the entrance to the park. You hadn’t been here in a while. You hadn’t been here many times anyway. A couple of times with Travis, when you were walking the dogs. It wasn’t your usual spot, which was exactly the reason why you choose it. It didn’t hold any particular memories that could hurt you. You barely even remembered what this park looked like. Kevin pulled you out of your thoughts as he put his hand on your shoulder.

“Y/N. You can do this. And I’m here, okay?” You could feel him squeeze your shoulder as you slowly nodded and got out of the car.

You saw him as soon as you walked through the entrance of the park. He had his back to you and you couldn’t see his face but you would always recognize his silhouette. You felt your heart get heavy. You started to walk towards him, fighting all the urges to turn around and run away from him as fast as you could. He hadn’t noticed you, so you could still pull out. But once you got within a 10 feet he must have heard your footsteps. He wiped around quickly and you were left wondering how this movement didn’t give him whiplash.

“Y/N. You came.” His voice was quiet and he send you a quick smile. It didn’t reach his eyes though, they were filled with sorrow. His sad smile made your heart ache.

You looked at him. For the first time in almost 2.5 years you really looked at him. You almost felt yourself taken aback at the dark rings underneath his eyes. He looked tired, exhausted even and completely worn out. In a way he looked almost the same than he used to. But in some way he also looked like a completely different person. The radiance, the light that he used to give off seemingly had vanished. His bubbliness seemed to have made space for something darker. He looked hollow, almost as if the Travis standing in front of you was a ghost of the man he used to be. To a stranger he probably would have looked completely normal. Physically he hadn’t really changed that much, but all those little things that made Travis Travis weren’t there anymore.

He had noticed your shocked expression as well as you gave him a one over.

“I look like shit, huh?” He was trying to lighten the mood, but if anything it made it worse.

“No no, you just look… different.” You knew he didn’t buy your lie, but you didn’t feel like pity him so you did what you did so well. Turn defensive.

“So your girlfriend let you go and talk to me?” Travis scoffed at your words.

“She’s not my girlfriend. And you don’t have to worry about her, you won’t see her around again.”

“I still shouldn’t have called her a puckbunny. That was low.” You genuinely felt sorry about it. Even if she was one of those girls, calling her out in front of the entire team wasn’t your proudest moment.

Travis chuckled slightly. “Nah, it’s fine.” His expression turned serious again, almost sour. “You and Hayesy, huh?”

At first you didn’t even understand what he meant. It took you a moment to regain your composure.

“What? No, we’re friends. Same as we’ve always been. Nothing more.”

At first he looked sceptical but slowly he seemed to relax. Which then sparked anger inside of you.

“It shouldn’t really be any of your concern though, I mean what do you care? You left me.”

Your emotions were bubbling inside of you. And as hard as you tried tears were scarily close to spill as you tried to choke back your pain.

He groaned loudly. “I know. I fucked up. I made a mistake. And I’m so sorry for doing this to you, Y/N.”

This was too much for you. You couldn’t hold back your emotions anymore. Tears were rolling down your cheeks.

“You just left and I’ve never heard of you since. Not even a single word. Nothing.”

“That’s not true, Y/N. I reached out to you. Afterwards. But it was too late. When I came back to our house the first time after that day, you were gone. Every trace of you had vanished. An I tried to call, but I could never get through to you. And eventually I had to accept that I lost you.”

“Don’t put this on me! What did you expect Travis? That I’d wait around in our house hoping that maybe one day you’d return? That maybe it was all just some sick joke? You left me standing on our wedding day and you don’t get to blame me for trying to pick myself up again and start fresh.”

He stayed silent for a while. The guilt seemed to consume him. He abandoned the most important thing in his life and he knew that you had every right to hate him. He had no right to ask you for forgiveness and he knew that. But that didn’t meant that he wouldn’t at least try to mend the things he broke. You could hear him inhale sharply.

“I know that I hurt you. I fucked up, big time. And I’m painfully aware of it.” Even a complete stranger would have been able to identify the pained expression on Travis’ face. He was being completely honest with you. Not that it mattered though.

“Yeah, you did. You broke me Travis, you realise that, right?” He felt like someone shot a dagger through his heart. He knew he hurt you. Badly. But hearing you say it made it real. He would never be able to forgive himself. And you wouldn’t either, Travis was sure of that.

“I know Y/N, just tell me what I can do to make it better. Please, Y/N! I want to fix this. Fix us.”

He had tears in his eyes. You could see that he wanted to touch you, hug you, comfort you but he also knew that it wasn’t his place to do so anymore. It killed you to see him like that. So broken. How ironic. Both of you broken beyond repair.

“You can’t, Travis. This isn’t something you can fix.” You paused, thinking over your next words.

“You know I wish there was a evident reason, one that I knew back then. That you had some mistress, stopped loving me or something. But… I thought everything was fine. I thought we were great. I had no indication that something went wrong between us and I think this is why it hurts so much. One day everything seemed great and the next… everything was completely shattered.”

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes. Quickly you turned around. You couldn’t do this. Standing across from him, talking to him, hearing his voice. All it did was remind you of the pain he put you through.

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”  He tried to reach out to you, catch your arms but you slipped out of his grip before he could get any closer. “Y/N!” But his pleads fell onto deaf ears. You’d already turned your back to him and were walking away as you heard him speak up again. It was quiet but you could hear it clear as day.

“I still love you Y/N! You have to know that. And I will never stop loving you, even if you hate me now.”

A quiet sob escaped your lips. This is why you wanted to stay as far away from his as possible. Nobody was able to hurt you like he did, even if he didn’t intent to. So you kept on walking.

When Travis left the park he caught a glimpse of you, sitting in Kevin’s car, seemingly hugging him. And although he knew that you had been honest with him when he asked you about Kevin, he couldn’t help but feel jealous. Jealous that someone else was the one comforting you now, when it used to be him who held you when you felt like you were falling apart. Jealous that someone else got to go to a Halloween party with you and dress up in stupid costumes. Jealous that someone else got to see you smile now.

Because this should have been him.

 -----------

You were sitting on Nolan’s couch, trying to figure out how your life slipped from you, when you thought you had everything. You tried not to think back to that day, but every time you thought about Travis the memories just kept resurfacing. You couldn’t get his face off your mind, it almost seemed like his image had burned itself into your memory.

Someone ringing the doorbell ripped you from your thoughts.

“Are you expecting anyone?” He didn’t answer, he just gave you a quick headshake before making his way to the door. You didn’t want to eavesdrop but your curiosity took over. You felt yourself freeze as you recognized the voice at the door.

“I need to talk to you, Pat.” There was urgency in his voice, he sounded almost desperate.

You could Nolan calmly reply: “Now is not a good time, Travis.”

“But it’s important. Please.” It really must have been important, considering that Travis didn’t usually begged for someone’s attention like that.

“I.. I can’t, Teeks, I’m busy.“ You couldn’t see Nolan’s face but you could sense the uneasiness in his voice. And of course Travis had picked up on it to.

“You’re busy?... She’s here, isn’t she?” You couldn’t hear Nolan’s answer but the commotion coming from the hallway pretty much gave away that Travis knew that you were here. You could hear Nolan and Travis speaking over each other and moments later you could hear footsteps coming down the Hall. You could hear Nolan telling Travis that he needed to leave.

“I have to talk to her.” With that he appeared in the living room. “Y/N.” It was more breathed over his lips than actually spoken and it instantly send shivers down your spine.

“What are you doing here Travis?” You felt so little, sitting curled up on Nolan’s couch while he was standing in the entry of the living room.  

“Can we talk? Again?” He seemed surprisingly calm. He was wearing a snapback and that yellow hoodie that you used to love so much. He used to radiate almost as much brightness as his hoodie, but now he constantly seemed as if someone dimmed his light. He looked tired, just as the other day.

“We have talked.” You tired to be as cold as possible, trying to shield you from the emotions that were rising inside of you.

“Yeah, and you ran away.” You sucked in air, trying to interject before he spoke up again but you came up empty.

“Please Y/N. And if you feel like it’s too much or you want me to leave I’ll leave, just let me at least try to explain.”

You wouldn’t get rid off him that quickly, so you took a deep breath before nodding.

You led him out of the living room towards Nolan’s bedroom. As much as you wanted Nolan by your side you knew that you needed to have this conversation in private.

Once the door was closed you looked at Travis expectantly. He seemed to be fighting for words.

“So? You wanted to talk. So talk.” You were being cold but you didn’t feel like standing in a room with Travis while the both off you stared at each other in silence. As if there wasn’t already enough tension between the two of you when you spoke.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I-“ You interrupted him. Was he really doing this again?

“Yeah, you already said that.” You crossed your arms over your chest.

“And I mean it. And you need to know that. I know that I hurt you. Badly. And there’s nothing that I regret more than walking away that day. I made a mistake and I ruined my life with it. And there’s not a day in my life where I don’t wish I could undo what I’ve done.”

“Well, you can’t Travis! Did they tell you that I tried to come after you? That I tried to track you down? Tried to find you and change your mind? Only to find out that you had packed a bag and already left the country? And then you flew to..”

Your voice broke, your eyes were teary and you felt like you could barely breathe. The guilt on his face made you feel nauseous.

“Why?! Why Travis, just tell me why you did it?” You sounded raspy, you barely recognized your own voice.

“You know why, Y/N.” “No, I don’t! You never bothered to tell me. YOU JUST LEFT, without a word!”

He took a step back in surprise, certainly not expecting this outburst from you.

“You read the letter, I didn’t know how to tell you in person.”

A humourless laugh came from your lips.

“I never read the letter. I burned it.” Your entire body was trembling now. You weren’t sure why though. Maybe you were nervous, anxious even or maybe it was the anger inside of you.  

“You.. burned… the letter.” He was in such shock at your words he nearly seemed to swallow his own tongue. He stood frozen, unable to move even a single muscle. This was the last thing he expected you to admit to him.  

“I just… I don’t get it, Travis! What have I ever done to you to deserve this? What did I do to you to have a reason to leave me standing at the altar?” Your voice softened, ”What happened, Trav?”

He looked like a fish out of water. He was still fighting for words, closing and opening his mouth. If you weren’t so hurt and angry you could have laughed at his expressions.

“I.. I don’t know Y/N. I just couldn’t do it.”

Anger started to rise up in your chest. God, you wanted to punch him. He’d always been a bad liar, you could smell his lies miles away.

“That’s bullshit Travis! We both know that, so stop lying to my face. You know how much I hate lying. You were able to write it in a letter but you can’t say it to my face?!” You tried to calm yourself. Take some deep breaths and steady your breathing. To no luck. Even Travis could see your trembling hands. You let out a shaky breath and kept going: “Was there someone else? Is that it?”

Your jaw clenches at that thought, you really didn’t think that Travis would ever cheat but who knows. You also didn’t think he would leave you on your wedding day but here you where.  Apparently you didn’t knew him as well as you thought you did. He seemed absolutely frozen for a moment, too shocked at your accusation to answer. But his hesitation was leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.

“No, Y/N! That’s not the reason-” “So what is it then? God Travis, just tell me. What on earth could have possibly been a reason to break off our engagement? Our relationship. Years spent together and without a warning you left.” You felt yourself starting to crack, a lump started to form in your throat and you knew that you would break soon enough. “ Did you just suddenly, one day to the next, stop loving me? Did you fall out of love? Was I just not good enough for you? What happened, Travis? Why did you leave me?” You weren’t even gonna try to hold back the tears streaming down your face. You just let them all out, sobs racked your body. The anger had left your body now and made way for the endless pain you felt when thinking about that day. You completely broke down in front of him

“Y/N…”

He knew that there was nothing he could say that would ease your pain. The damage was already done. You could feel Travis trying to reach out to you, but you pushed him away. You couldn’t see the expression on him face but if you did, you’d seen the agony that mirrored yours. When you let out a sorrowful quiet cry, he couldn’t compose himself anymore. He couldn’t watch you being in this much pain. He’d never hated himself more than in this moment. He knew that he was the reason for all this pain. So he fled the room.

Nolan stormed into the room only seconds later. Wrapping his body around his, as if he was trying to keep all the broken pieces together. And for what felt like eternity he just held you like that, at least you knew that he wasn’t going to let go of you.

“I think there was someone else, Nolan.” You broke the silence first, knowing that Nolan would give you as much time as you needed. The confused look Nolan gave you now, told you that he wasn’t exactly following what you were saying.

“That’s why he left. There was someone else. That-“ Nolan interrupted you before you could get another word out.

“This can’t be. Someone would have known. He would have told someone by now. I mean, did he admit that there was someone else?”

“Not technically, but he kinda hesitated when I brought it up. And he also didn’t actively deny it, so..”

Your voice started to cut out and you could feel the lump in your throat form. You were so sure of it now that you thought about it. His hesitation, the way he deflected the question. This had to be the reason. There was nothing else that could have been the reason.

“There was someone else, I just know it.”

“You’re my best friend, of course I would remember.” He handed you the cup before sitting down next to you.

“But he’s your best friend too. And I didn’t want you to have to choose between us. After what happened I mean. So I let you go.” You knew it sounded bitter but you couldn’t help it, you needed to tell him.

“He’s not though. Not anymore.” His expression turned sad. “I will never be able to forgive him for what he’s done to you. Done to me. He’s the reason I lost my best friend. Both my best friends actually.”

“But you see him every day. You play together-“ The words died on your lips, you didn’t really know where you were going with this.

“He’s my teammate, yes. But I don’t consider him a friend anymore. And I don’t think many on the team do either. He’s changed, you know. He’s completely shut himself out. He doesn’t hang out with the team anymore. And to be honest I haven’t talked to him outside anything hockey related in months.”

Your heart felt heavy in your chest hearing about Travis.

“I don’t really care, Nolan.”

“No, I know. I just.. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’m on your side. An for all it’s worth the team is too, y,know. And we all miss you, it’s just not the same without you.” He gave you a sad smile. You knew it was supposed to be comforting but it wasn’t working. Your eyes started to water again.

“Hey, hey, don’t feel guilty, okay? Everyone understood why you left. It’s just that you were a part of everyone’s life here too. And no one really understood why he did what he did. Ha, you should have seen G the day TK stepped foot into the locker room the first day back at camp. We thought he was going to rip him into shreds.”

You let out a shaky chuckle. “I miss the team too you know. They were like family to me. Believe me nothing was harder than leave my friends here behind.”

Silence fell between the two of you. You wanted to bring up that you had kept in contact with Ryanne and Maddie. Even if only sporadically. But you knew that Nolan would feel betrayed at that, with good reason.

You could feel Nolan fiddling with his hands, anxious to bring something up that was lying on the tip of his tongue.

“Just spit it out, Nolan.” You tried to brace yourself for what was about to come but you nothing could really prepare you for this conversation.

“Why did he.. I mean what was the reason, you know. He never told me the real reason…”

You felt your heart stop at his words, you had to take a couple of deep breaths before answering.

“I don’t know, Nolan. He just left me. No reason.”

“But I thought he left you a letter or a note or something?” His words were cautious, unsure if he was even allowed to ask.

“I… I never opened the letter, Nolan. I didn’t want to hear it back then.”

“So where is it now? I mean… maybe you need that closure.” His eyes were soft, searching for yours.

“I burned it. Right after the wedding. I didn’t care about his excuses. He left anyway, all it would do was inflict more pain. So I just burned the letter.”  

“Oh..” He fell silent, obviously not expecting this answer from you. The letter wouldn’t have changed anything. But now you couldn’t shake the thought out of your head.

“Why wasn’t I good enough, Nolan? What did I do wrong?” Suddenly everything felt too much. Tear running down your face again, the sobs were returning and you were having a hard time keeping your breathing steady.

“Why, Nolan? Why did he leave me? Why wasn’t I good enough for him?”

Nolan pulled you into his chest. No matter what he would say, this was going to hurt.

“I don’t know why he did what he did. I was as surprised as everyone else when he told me. I tried to change his mind, I swear. But he just didn’t listen.”

“What happened that day Nolan? Before you came to me?”

He pulled back to look you in the eye, agony evident on his face.

“I can’t do it, Pat.” Nolan turned around, Travis was wearing a pained expression on his face, shoulders slumped down, he looked absolutely defeated.

“What do you mean, Teeks? It’s gonna be fine, everyone gets nervous.” Nolan took a few steps towards Travis and put his hand on his shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. Travis moved away from his touch and turned his head away from Nolan.

“I can’t marry her! I just I can’t do it, Pat. I’m too young, I’m not ready!”

Nolan looked at him like he had grown to heads. Anger started to rise up in him.

“Yes you can. Now is not the time to get cold feet. You’re just nervous Teeks.” His tone was starting to get louder and more frantic.

“I… I can’t. You have to go and tell her. The wedding’s o-.” Before Travis could fully finish the sentence Nolan had grabbed him by the collar of his dress shirt and pressed him against the wall. His jaw was locked shut and his eyes were furiously glaring at him. Nolan took a deep, slow breath before speaking through gritted teeth.

“No! You’re NOT gonna do this to her! Get your act together Travis. You’re going to walk down that aisle and –“ “I CAN’T DO IT, OK?” Travis’ sudden outburst of anger left Nolan frozen. Slowly his grip on Travis loosened. The anger and fury on his face disappeared and was replaced by something else. An emotion Travis rarely had ever seen on Nolan’s face. Complete and utter disappointment. He let go of the fabric in his hands.

“Why?! At least give me a reason why.” His eyes bore into Travis’ soul. He had to face away.

“I can’t do it. It’s not the right thing to do. I’m too young, we’re too young. It was just a stupid hasty decision, this wouldn’t work. Nolan, you know-“

Nolan dismissed him with a quick hand gesture. He shook his head.

“Save yourself the cheap excuses. I know you better than that, you can’t lie to me…”

“It’s not a lie, Nol-“  “Yes, it is and you know it! You realise that this is going to ruin everything, right? God, the real reason better be something good…”

Nolan slowly turned around and started walking out the door. But before he fully shut it close he turned to Travis one last time.

“I’m never going to forgive you for doing this. And you’ll spent the rest of your life regretting this decision, I’ll tell you that!” An with that he was out of the door, slowly making the hardest walk he’ll ever have to do. To tell you that your fiancé has left you on your wedding day.    

 Once Nolan finished you stayed silent. How were you supposed to respond to this? Travis’ reasoning didn’t make any sense to you. After a while Nolan spoke up again.

“I know there has to be an other reason. I just know… I just don’t know what it is.”

You sighed deeply, defeated. “It doesn’t matter Nolan. It wouldn’t change anything.”

“Maybe it would. You don’t know.” His voice was barely above a whisper, unsure if you wanted to hear this. You didn’t answer and he knew you well enough that it was time to drop the subject.

 --------

Hanging out with Nolan more also meant hanging out with his girlfriend. Not that you minded. You liked her. She was nice, had a good sense of humour and didn’t seemed to mind that you and Nolan were so close. And you had to give her credit for that.

She lived close to you and since she and Hannah were neighbours you started to hang out with her more and more. Even if Nolan wasn’t around. Sometimes with Hannah as well, recently also without her. Only the two of you. You weren’t exactly sure how much she knew about your past but she knew enough about it to not bring it up.

Tonight was no different. Work was finished for today, Hannah was in her evening yoga class and Nolan was on a roadtrip.  Not long after dropping your things at your apartment you made your way to Kelsey’s apartment.  

By the time you arrived Kelsey had already started to prepare for dinner. After joining her in the kitchen you started to figure out just how much food she was preparing.

“That’s a lot of food Kels. Are you trying to feed an army, or what?” You jokingly asked, only was your smile swept of your face once you looked at Kelsey. The guilty expression on her face left you frozen.

“Please don’t be mad!” She quickly replied and before you could even question what she meant she had already dropped the surprise on you.

“I invited the girls. It’s the first away game of the season so some of the girls decided to hang out. And I know were really good friends with them, so…”

You stayed silent. You should have know that you couldn’t avoid them forever, especially after starting to hang out with Nolan again. She meant well, you knew that, but you were also incredibly nervous meeting them again. Kelsey took your silence as a bad sign.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean to-“

“No, don’t worry. It’s fine. I’m just surprised that is all. And I don’t really know what to expect, so..”

She gave you a soft smile. “They’re happy to see you, if that eases your nerves.”

 And they really were. The girls engulfed you in hugs, telling you over and over again how happy they were to see you. You weren’t really sure if you deserved their kindness, after all were you the one that left. But they didn’t seem to hold you responsible for it and seemed understanding enough. You were also more than thankful that they didn’t really bring any of it up. And as you were sitting on the couch next to Maddie later that evening, you couldn’t help but feel like a missing part of you had returned. After all they used to be like a second family to you.

 -------

A couple of nights later you found yourself sitting between Ryanne and Maddie at Wells Fargo Centre. You initially pitched against going to a game with the girls but after seemingly endless messages from the girls, especially Maddie, Ryanne and Alma, you finally gave in. In return they promised to make sure you wouldn’t have to see him and if you would feel uncomfortable they would bring you home.

But you were actually enjoying the game. You used to love going to games and you realised now that even seeing him from afar couldn’t stop you from having fun with the girls. This was enough distance to tell yourself that he was just some hockey player, that just so happened to play for the home team. And there was enough distraction around to forget that he even really existed. Between catching up with the girls and entertaining Gavin, you barely had enough time to even pay attention to the game.

You were just about to lower yourself back into your seat after the second intermission, as a high pitched scream caught your attention. A couple rows in front of you was a bleach blonde girl screaming Travis’ name as the team made their way back onto the benches. You immediately recognized the type of girl she was. You turned to Maddie.

“Almost forgot about those girls, god I certainly haven’t missed seeing them at games,-”

“Or at bars, or literally anywhere near the team? Yeah, they still exist.” Replied Maddie with a humorless laugh. “Not my kind of crowd, but some seem to like it.”

You internally debated whether to ask her what she meant by that, but ultimately choose against it. The 3rd was about to start anyway. The rest of the game passed in a hurry and before you knew it you were walking towards Kelsey’s car. She offered to drive since the two of you lived close by anyway. And Nolan was one of the slower guys out there, so he would just drive himself to Kelsey’s once he was finished.

“Out of all the placed I imagined I’d run into you, this certainly was the last on my list.” You froze. You thought you left quick enough to make sure not to run into any of the players. Apparently you were wrong. You debated if it was best to just ignore him but decided against it.

“Hey, Kev.” You turned to face him with a shy smile.

“Hi Tiny” he replied with a beaming smile. You wanted to be mad at him for using this nickname, but quickly folded and accepted his hug.

“I can’t believe you were able to avoid me for over 2 years.” Although he was joking you detected a sadness that was laced into his voice. You scoffed.

“I didn’t avoid you, Kev. I-“ You defended.

“No, don’t. You don’t have to apologize Y/N, I get it. We all get it. I know you didn’t actively avoid me. I just wish it hadn’t taken us over a year of you being back in Philly to finally cross paths again.”

He wasn’t even trying to hide sadness this time.

“I know. Me too.” You gave him an encouraging smile.

“Can you do me a favor? Unblock me? So we can finally catch up.” His voice was light and you knew then that he wasn’t mad at you for blocking him. Well, you blocked pretty much everyone.

“I have a new number now. But I’ll text you. Okay?” He laughed silently. “Perfect.” And just as you were turning back towards the car he quietly muttered.

“I knew you blocked me and it wasn’t a broken phone like Ryanne told me.”  You looked over your shoulder back at him, a glint in his eyes.

“I had to, Kev.” You replied more to yourself than him.

“I know.” And with that you made your way towards Kelsey who was already waiting in her car for you.

----------

You were crying of laughter, embarrassingly loud in the middle of your favourite café as Kevin told you one of his many ridiculous offseason stories.

“No, Y/N, I swear this is how it happened.” He deep voice filled with laughter, his hands animatedly held up in the air.  

Once you recovered from your fit you looked up at him again, only to start giggling again as soon as you looked at his facial expression.

“I swear, I’m not kidding.” His voice was sincere, which made the story even more ridiculous.

“I believe you Kev. Ahh, it’s just so crazy.” You wiped the tears from your eyes as you continued “You always know how to make me laugh.”

He nodded and his smile turned wicked. “Are you going to admit now that you missed me? I can handle that you avoided me. But saying that you didn’t miss me hurt. It wounded me.”

You dramatically rolled your eyes at him. “Yeah yeah, I’m sure you nearly died from the pain.”

“I did! Like a dagger into my heart, Y/N.” But he wasn’t able to keep a straight face for long. You expression turned serious again.

“I did miss you Kev. So much. I misses all of you. You, Nolan, the girls, the team. You used to be my second family. I hate that I gave it all up because of him. I just thought everyone would be on his side, after all I only met all of you because of him. I know now that this wasn’t the case. That you’re on his side I mean.”

Kevin stayed silent for a bit, contemplating what he was about to say.

“We might have only met you through him, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t love you just as much. Or even more. You were probably the reason we loved him so much. You have always been the best part of him.” You felt something tug at your heart. It always felt so heavy talking about him, as if talking about some dead person. In a way that was what it felt like. Him leaving felt as final as a loved one dying. There was a part of you that you lost that day, a part that you wouldn’t get back.    

“Do you think if I’d done things differently that..-“ A lump started to form in your throat again. You didn’t want to go down this road, still somehow it always dragged you back into it as soon as he came up.

“Don’t Y/N. Don’t do this to yourself. It was him, not you. There was nothing you could have done.”

You bravely nodded. You were fighting the tears that were threatening to spill.

“Don’t blame yourself, ok? You have to move forward. What’s in the past is in the past. No one can change it now.” He took your hands into his and gave you an encouraging smile.

“Remember what you always told me? Whenever you used to do something that surprised me? That you’re a-“

“A total badass. I’m a total badass and can do anything.” You replied with a smile on your face. “Ah, I almost forgot about that.” You chuckled.

“Don’t forget it! You are too strong to let yourself break over some dumb hockey player.”

The two of you dropped the Travis subject and moved onto better things. You told him about work, your new friends, about home and he told you about Boston, his parents and everything else that he felt was somehow of importance. After a while you felt Kevin starting to get quiet and thoughtful. An indicator that something was on his mind.

“Can I ask you something?” He seemed slightly on edge asking you this. You laughed.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to speak up. What’s on your mind Kev?”

He looked at you for a second, taxing your expression.

“The team Halloween party is next week. And everyone has someone who does a costume with them, so…”

“No, Kev! I’m not coming to the Flyers Halloween party. Absolutely not.” You crossed your arms over your chest. You already let enough people back into your life. Turning up at a teams party was a whole new level. One that you didn’t intend to take.

“Please, Y/N! I can’t go alone. We go as friends, with some amazing costumes. You love Halloween, you can’t say no.” You rolled your eyes as Kevin started pouting at you. Him pouting like a puppy was the last thing you needed, you were basically screwed.

“I’m not part of the team, Kev. And it’s a team’s party.” You tried but deep down you new that Kevin had the better arguments. He was right, you loved Halloween.

“You used to be. And you still are. Everyone wants you to come. I need you to come. I will even let you choose the costumes. And I will be whatever or whoever you want. Please, Y/N.”

He basically had you trapped now. You couldn’t say no to that offer. Unless…

“He’s part of the team. He’s gonna be there and the last thing I want is having to see him.” This was your last resort. Really, it was the only good reason. Kevin let out a sigh of relief.

“He won’t be there, Y/N. I promise. He hasn’t been at a teams party in years. We don’t even bother to invite him anymore. He won’t be there, I promise.”

Game over, Kevin had won. You gave in. Nolan had already mentioned that Travis wasn’t part of any team’s event anymore unless it was officially required.

“Fine. But I get to choose our costumes.” You barely finished the sentence before Kevin swept you up into his arms.

“Whatever you want, princess.”  

--------

This was how you ended up at Claude and Ryanne’s house on Halloween. Kevin surprisingly kept his promise. Dressing up in the most ridiculous outfit. You wore matching 80s aerobics outfits. Only was Kev’s leotard probably two sizes to small and in combination with the pink leggings, the neon green legwarmers, the white sneakers and the yellow sweatbands the wildest thing you’d seen in your life. Your colour scheme was slightly less flamboyant. Still you felt like you’d just escaped out of a 80s sports magazine.

You weren’t the only one who was absolutely baffled by Kevin’s willingness to rock such an outfit. The entire team was hollering and whistling when you arrived and there wasn’t a single person who didn’t ask the two of you to pose in a photo with them during the evening. You couldn’t remember the last time you had so much fun. It must have been years. But from the moment you stepped into the house the team treated you as if you never left. They joked with you, danced with you, drank with you, just like old times. And you were beyond glad that not a single soul was bringing up anything Travis related.

Eventually the evening was drawing towards its close. Midnight not too far away, when Ivan got up to open the door to someone ringing. You weren’t even paying enough attention to realise until Kevin was whispering about somebody probably mistaking the house for an other. You expected Ivan to return quickly but it seemed to drag on and once he finally returned he wasn’t alone.

He looked at you before anyone else and mouthing a quick “I’m sorry” to you before revealing who had knocked on the door.

The moment you saw him you felt sick to your stomach, Kev quickly threw an arm around your shoulder and out of the corner of your eye you could see Claude standing up. Nolan followed shortly after.

“We were about to call it a night, TK. You should go home. And you should really ask first before showing up at a party. Especially if you bring a fan.”

It was only then that you realised that he wasn’t alone. A barely dressed, tall blonde was standing behind him. A felt a stab in your heart. He’d brought someone.

“She’s not a fan, she’s my girl.” His words were slurred, the alcohol he consumed evident in his voice.

You felt like you were about to throw up, so you quickly rose to your feet. Kevin was only seconds behind, already addressing the room. As you started to move towards the door you couldn’t shake the feeling that you’d seen the girl before.

“Alright guys, we’re about to head out. It’s getting late.” He took your hand into his, moving across the room. The rest of the team started to move too. The tension in the room was unmistakable. You gripped Kevin’s hand thighter. You nearly made it past Travis without him making a comment. Nearly.

“Well, Hayesy brought a fan. No way that’s his girl. So why can’t I bring my-?”

Nolan cut him off before he could finish, his voice colder than ice.

“Shut up Teeks, you weren’t even invited.”

Your head had started spinning the moment the word fan left Travis’ lips. You knew you looked a bit different in your Halloween costume but this? Did he seriously not recognize you?  

Kevin was gently tugging at your hand, trying to maneuver you out of the house and out of this sticky situation. You knew that he was doing the right thing and was trying to protect you. But instead of allowing him to lead you out of the door, you ripped your hand from his grip. Anger had started to bubble up inside and as soon as you looked at Travis again it boiled over. To say you were angry was an understatement, you were absolutely vicious.

“ You piece of shit! You’re a fucking coward Travis.” You voice was laced with venom, nearly sitting these words into his face. Kevin put his arms around you again, this time without letting you go and pulling you towards the door.

“I can’t believe you switched me out for some puckbunny. You-“ But Kevin had already dragged you out of the door before you could finish your sentence. And before you knew it Kevin had led you to his car.

“Y/N, I swear he wasn’t supposed to show up.“ You knew he meant it, his voice laced with sincerity.

“Who is she? The girl. I know her from somewhere. Who is she?” Kevin looked at you for a moment. When he didn’t reply, your voice rose. “Kev!”  

“I don’t know, okay? Just… just some girl.” But his hesitation made you cautious. “But you’ve seen her before?”

It wasn’t really a question, more of a statement. He looked away when he replied.

“Only a few times.”

But his innuendo was strong enough to know exactly what he meant with that.

And then it dawned on you. She was the girl you saw at the game a few nights back. She was his new girl.