It brings me no joy to inform you that Ed sees Izzy across the room sometimes and just goes so absolutely hard that he has to stand facing a corner and list constellations in his head until he forgets about the shape of Izzy's jaw.

The rules are as follows:

1. No PDA. None. No matter how tiny the gestures might seem. Izzy Hands is not to be touched in view of others. Period. Unless Stede really wants to lose a finger or an eye.

2. No pet names under penalty of death. Ed has tried to call Izzy 'babe' exactly once. The screaming he got in return was not worth it.

3. All attempts at funny business during 'work hours' are strictly forbidden. Any tries result in a knife to the gut. Izzy doesn't let sex distract him from chores. Ever.

4. Izzy's hair is not to be petted, even if they look exceptionally fluffy. It's not done. Finger, eye, knife. You get the picture.

5. You do not coddle Izzy. Never offer him any comfy fluffy robes, bubble baths or such, even if he looks like death warmed over. It's best to leave him alone till he bounces back himself.

Stede listens to the list with rapt attention, nodding along, even starts taking notes at some point.

Then proceeds to do the exact opposite.

happy cuck ed teach week!

he comes back from his fishing trip expecting:

a) Stede to leap into his arms

b) Izzy to still be pathetically obsessed with him.....

Only to find stede with izzy on his lap, both of them making out furiously, utterly engrossed with each other

cue Ed being like

And Stede's on his knees eating Izzy's pussy like a man possessed.

They literally don't notice he's there until after Stede's shirt and most of the floor gets drenched.

(Edit - I wrote it)

OR

Ed comes back to find that Stizzy has occured in his absence, and rather than falling all over themselves like 'omg we're so sorry, come join us mebbe?' Stede is just adamant that he and Izzy WILL be getting busy whenever they feel like it and Ed is on probation again, and can either watch from the cuck chair or fuck off.

🎶All I want is to fly with you All I want is to fall with you So just give me all of you It feels impossible It's not impossible🎶

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave here.

nothing to see here, just three manly pirates doing manly pirate things

Mf invented exposure therapy for full frontal sword penetration. and then repurposed it as foreplay. And gothic horror theatre with modern special effects and pyrotechnics (possibly inspired by the real historical Blackbeard lighting fuses in his beard to scare his enemies during battle). Calling him "half insane" is understating it by half. And this is a compliment. This is what made him one of the most successful pirates in history. He wasn't simply good at being a pirate, he essentially reinvented the trade by turning his work into a business enterprise and his name into a brand and then applying modern understanding of PR and marketing to aid his natural talent and creativity and out-of-the-box thinking (with Izzy's help on the business and logistics side of course).

The reason Ed was tired and bored was because he got so good it became too easy to be a challenge anymore. I can't express just how much of a flex this is. The career of an average pirate was something like 2 years. They didn't live long enough to get bored of it, let alone get good enough to the point where it was too easy.

(Also Ed is definitely ADHD-coded so there is that too)

That's exactly why Ed was so enamored with Stede the moment he heard about him. Because, for the first time in maybe ever, he found someone who was just as "mad" as him. Someone who was different. Someone "doing something original out there", just like he was. And what Stede did - abandoning his comfortable privileged life to become a pirate - absolutely was insane by society's standards. That's why Ed chose to risk his crew's lives and his own to attack the Spanish Navy to save Stede's life.

They are dumb idiots, but they are my dumb idiots, your Honor.

He's just a cute lil dude with tummy trubs, if he yelled, no he didn't, and if he did, well he was stressed, and if he was stressed it's because no one is doing their jobs on the wooden boat keeping them from drowning. Really it's everyone else's fault he was Like That and no I'm not joking. In fact he should have gone harder

Calico Jack did All That for him because he simps that hard for Izzy. He shows off the cannonball wound because he got it for Izzy, and all the other cowboy-pirates are in awe

Izzy fucked Steak Knife and Bill. He's the center of the Greater Caribbean Pirate Polycule because he's so pretty and charismatic and gives excellent sloppy toppy

horror and remorse,

video mentioned in my previous self-reblog. sorry abt this it’s like… idk. idk what it is. it’s Upsetting, is what it is. it’s Fascinating? by that i mean the parallel i’m trying to make, not the video itself which is kinda meh. but like…. just… hear me out on this one it’s about the angst.

to clarify: love edward teach. angsting him in the way people do blorbo angst, not condemning or attacking him.

Kraken!Ed kills Izzy. He’s lost in the grief of it. Goes to a sea witch and what’s this? She can bring back his Izzy! Amazing! Accept Izzy is thirty years younger. The world hasn’t beaten him down yet. He follows Edward around like a lost and loyal puppy. Edward doesn’t know how to deal with it.

And Ed and Stede aren't that. They rush into everything. They're ride or die for each other immediately. They risk their lives for each other. Kiss and then run away and then meltdown. They sleep together on a whim. They're very fast paced compared to a lot of queer stories

But then there is a character who is all ABOUT yearning. Who never kisses anyone despite us wanting him to so fucking badly. Who wants so desperately, but is always on the outskirts, looking in. The queer character we're all used to and who a lot of us relate to: