Only Top Shelf

Touting the item as a must-have for seasonal lawn decoration enthusiasts, Home Depot confirmed Thursday that it had begun sales of a new 12-foot-tall baby Jesus skeleton just in time for the holidays. “As He towers above the Nativity scene, sometimes clutching a shepherd or wise man in His giant Christ Child hands, this eye-catching skeleton Jesus brings warmth and cheer to any front-yard display,” read promotional materials for the product provided by Home Depot, which sought to assure customers that while the anatomically correct display of neonatal bones required several hours of assembly, the result would take one’s holiday décor to the next level.

This video depicts a moment that is nearly impossible to observe: a sperm whale surfacing with a giant squid clenched between its teeth. These predators hunt at depths exceeding 800 meters, where light does not penetrate, and only biosonar directs the pursuit. Consequently, clear surface images are exceedingly rare.

Yellowstone, Montana Airport Postcard

this guy was often one of the first people on the scene following a suspected arson, once emergency services had done what they needed to do. at times, there were also civilians on the periphery. often, they were freaking out, and understandably so; their home or workplace had just, quite literally, gone up in smoke

this investigator wouldn’t try to calm them down. he wouldn’t comfort them or be a shoulder to cry on.

instead, he’d walk up to the person most visibly losing their shit, hand them a fire extinguisher, and say “hey, can you keep an eye out for any other fires, and if you see one, can you put it out with this?”

of course, there was no actual risk of another fire. he wouldn’t be on the scene investigating if there was even a chance that the fire wasn’t completely put out. but the bystander didn’t need to know that

because that person, without fail, would immediately pull it together, take the fire extinguisher, and stand guard. they were, at least temporarily, calm enough for this investigator to do this job

According to sources at the corporate headquarters of fast food giant KFC, a young boy believed to be the third reincarnation of the chain’s regional manager for eastern Georgia was discovered in Chatfield, MN Tuesday following an exhaustive five-year search.

The Chosen One, kindergartner Brian Thorson, was located by a special council of seven High Branch Managers selected from the most profitable KFC restaurants nationwide. In accordance with tradition, the boy will henceforth be known as Roger Purcell, the ceremonial title given to all who have previously overseen operations in eastern Georgia.