never been calm

feeling very anxious right now, the outside smell and colors, even the way birds chirp remind me of my time in high school. its like my senses are stuck there sending information to me today

chouette! mais quelle dinguerie!

very few people think this will work out idk about myself, i just want to have tried and done my best, falling behind as we speak. genuinely sabotaging myself. kms

i've seen her get embarrassed, felt almost as intimate as when we kissed. she asked to kiss me and i said no, then did it scared. to her i read like a well-written instruction manual. as if im a scale and she has developed muscle memory. terrifying. what's left for her to get intrigued? it feels like im competing with the entire world. skill-based matchmaking failed me this time... or it's time i get outside my comfort difficulty. time i risk being left instead of leaving. still i've strummed a resonant frequency and it sounds so beautiful it shuts my other senses down. time loses its abstraction when i'm waiting for her.