Yup

Would you keep this waiting #alterego #ava #breasts #dontkeepmewaiting #selflove

I got to see my gay husband tonight so everything else is obsolete

Dinner!

Love of my life...such a snugglebutt #fuzzyidiot

Shameless selfie #temporarytattoo #redhairdontcare

Y'all, I love him so much #fuzzyidiot #favouritespot

This isn’t something I ever wanted to admit to myself, let alone to anyone else, but there is no way for me to fully embrace and recover from what happened to me without opening up about it. I was sexually abused by my partner for four years, and it has taken me almost 4 years to admit that to myself. Our relationship started off as normal as could be. He was 16 and I was 16, high school sweethearts. He was a little sex obsessed and I wasn’t, but he was very kind in the beginning. He did pressure me the first time but when I asked to stop he stopped. I thought I could trust him, I thought that I loved him and that he loved me. But you can’t truly love someone and do those things to them. He made me feel so guilty every time I said no or asked him to stop. He told me if I really loved him I’d let him finish, if I really loved him I’d shut up and take it. He constantly compared me to other women, asked me why my stomach wasn’t that flat and why my butt wasn’t that perky. I don’t want to remember the details, I’m ashamed that I let it go on for 4 years. I don’t want to remember the details but I can’t let go of what happened. I can’t forget that every time a man touches me I feel sick and panicked. I can’t forget that I wouldn’t let a man I actually do truly love, and that actually truly loves me, touch me or try to make love to me. I can’t forget how ashamed I am of my body, how disgusted I am with myself. I can’t forget the fear every time I am around a man in public. I can’t forget how hard I cry. For so long I’ve felt so broken. I want to be a sexual person but I physically can’t. I hate him for what he did to me. I hate him for preventing me from being able to give myself completely to anyone. I hate him for making impossible for me to trust in love. I hate him for taking away my innocence. I hate that I still feel his control, that he made it so my body would never feel like it belonged to me. As much as I hate him, I hate myself for letting it go on. I could have tried harder to stop him. Could have screamed and shouted and woke his mother. Could have smacked his hands away and demanded to be treated better. But I was young and I thought that was what love is. No one is allowed to touch my body without my consent; not my parents, my friends, not even my significant other. I am starting therapy soon so I can learn to deal with this, so I can learn to stop feeling so broken. I'm posting this because I want others out there to know they are not alone. There is a lot of stigma around spousal sexual abuse...people just assume that because you are in a relationship you automatically consent, but that is so far from the truth. Your body is your own, always. No matter how much they say they love you, or how much they apologize, do not back down. Never let anyone pressure you in to doing anything you don't want to do.