the calico system

so asking for money on the internet is. weird to say the least but: we are a traumagenic DID system seeking trauma therapy while attending university, and are about to go into severe debt. we can no longer afford to go to college, because we lost our scholarship due to lack of counseling and ability to function with our symptoms. we hope to find a therapist who can help us grow, manage these symptoms, and receive an official diagnosis to register with the SAR at our college. we cannot afford therapy, because we age out of/lose our insurance in less than a month, and cannot ask family for financial support in this matter because they are steadfast in not believing our symptoms, or even making them worse. if you enjoy our content, or just would like the help us out, please consider leaving us a tip. -the calico system

“Adults guess and assume that I’m not going to understand things just because I’m a little kid.  And it can be frustrating.  Cause, like, I really want to know stuff.  Or even when they do talk to me about things, they’ll always try to ‘tone it down to my level.’  They especially avoid the heavy themes like sex and death and cannibalism and stuff.  But that’s stuff I want to talk about.  I’m really fascinated by the Donner Party.  The entire expedition, really.  What did it feel like to eat people that you knew?  I’m also fascinated by how the human mind deals with death.  It’s like people shut down the idea of death completely, and insist that heaven and hell are places after death.  But death is death.  And everyone after death is dead, because consciousness is just your brain.  And even if there is evidence of life after death, it’s difficult to assess.  We’re going to be incredibly biased toward any information that suggests there’s something more.  Because we are so desperate to believe it.”

An elementary school girl finding out about “sex and death and canniablism and stuff” is one thing; a little girl expressing to a complete stranger she is fascinsted by these things and wants to know about them seemingly above anything else “adult” related? Ummmmmm. This ain’t it, chief.

Also you can read about these things in books, like the Donner party isn’t some obscure hushed event only the grown ups know about, cannibal isn’t a word you learn in middle school

A singular anecdote is just a data point, but…. 

“oh no this child Knows Disturbing Things, that’s terrible” is the kind of attitude I’d expect from my Christian-homeschooled cousins, for fucks sake

What helped me was adults who helped me talk through what I was learning about. Who helped me connect the weird, incredible-sounding things I read about to real life. Who let me perform science experiments and build backyard treehouses and try new foods because I’d read about them. Who hugged me when I came downstairs late at night crying because a character in a book had died. Who didn’t shame me for my interests or tell me I was wrong or weird for wanting to soak information up like a sponge.

Thanks for listening.

Brain: hhdhfbfhhf kis

you do not owe it to your employer! you do not owe it to your family! and you sure as hell do not owe it to a stranger on the internet!

what i needed to hear, and so what i’ll tell any of you reading this who are in the same situation, was: a lot of people recover from mental illness and go on to live full lives. it’s quite likely that with treatment, a time will come when you won’t want to die anymore and you’ll find joy in everyday life. yes, you. stay alive for that possibility.

the binary

this is literally the same gif

I fucking choked

and what might that be