art and writing stuff

she looked back at saeyoung once more, who got the hint and nodded. there was a flash of pain in his eyes, but he hid it quite well and even managed a smile. "i'll go...find something for you to eat." he mumbled, before shuffling out of the room. it was silent for a beat as she fussed over him some more; on her lap sat a bowl of water and a rag, and she gently ran it over his skin. "i had to do this all night." she quietly mentioned, tears gathering in her eyes. "your skin was...god, it was burning hot. we really didn't know if you were going to make it." "but i did." he weakly clutched her hand in his, giving it a squeeze, "and it's because of you. you took care of me."

THE FIRST WEEK:

the entire week had been rough. though saeran wasn't in as much pain as he was that first night, it wasn't by any means comfortable for him. his insides still felt like they were liquifying, and he was taking more aspirin than he should've because his head felt like someone was repeatedly taking an ax to it, but he was alive. he was alive and, somehow, his heart was still stubbornly beating. saeyoung didn't visit him during the day, but saeran knew he was there during the night. (saeran woke up once, at three in the morning, to soft sobs and hushed whispers. he'd cracked his eyes open just enough to see saeyoung being held by her. there was a brief moment of intense jealousy, but that eventually ebbed away to sadness. would she be happier with saeyoung? with someone who wasn't as broken, as weak, as pitiful?)

the night became a relief for saeran. his pain drained him to the point of pure exhaustion, to where saeran would fall into a dreamless sleep. yet, no matter how long he slept, it never felt like enough. he always woke up somehow more exhausted, somehow still weak. "you're fighting off an addiction, saeran." she'd said to him when he voiced this thought. "both your mind and your body need time to heal. you also did not sleep at mint eye. like, ever." saeran could finally move, but he had to lean on her to take even a single step. she supported his weight, was right there for him to lean on and never once complained about it. she took everything in stride, and saeran couldn't help but be in awe of her strength.

keeping solid food down proved to be a challenge. keeping anything down, actually, was hard. saeran took one sip of water and would be dry heaving for fifteen minutes. it was like his body was trying to expel anything that entered it. he knew it was worrying her, knew it was worrying saeyoung, too. this could only go so long before he'd wither away into nothing, before he'd close his eyes and not reopen them. he'd always been thin, but now he was like a skeleton. (every time saeran passed the mirror, he had to avert his eyes. it hurt to look into.) it was vanderwood, surprisingly, who'd ended up saving him. they'd entered with an iv and a bag of fluid, and refused to meet his questioning gaze. "better for both of us if you don't ask anything." they said, their voice gruff. "but this will help. it's what they give you at hospitals and stuff. just-- get better. for her. for saeyoung. and for yourself."

THE FIRST MONTH:

it was a mistake to leave saeran and saeyoung in the same room alone. saeran knew that saeyoung truly loved him, but there was still so much lingering hurt and anger. and saeran was growing increasingly annoyed at his own inability to do...well, anything. he was weak and he couldn't even sleep through the night because he was terrorized every time he closed his eyes. and although saeran loved his twin-- he truly did, deep down-- he just snapped. "this is your fault!" saeran yelled, gripping his own hair in frustration. he didn't even know what saeyoung had been talking to him about, just that he had mentioned the state saeran had been in for the past month and it completely set him off. "you left me alone with our mother. you let me get taken advantage of by rika. you left me. you got to throw parties and make friends and forget all about me while i had to spend my existence in constant suffering. you want to know how to make me feel better, saeyoung? kill yourself. maybe then, i wouldn't constantly be reminded that i'm the mistake. that i'm the weak one, the one who always gets left behind." the more saeran spoke, the more saeyoung's face fell. of course, as soon as the words left his mouth, saeran was regretting them, but...well, the damage was done. whatever relationship they'd managed to string together was ruined, and saeran could only stand there as his twin silently cried.

"you were the only thing keeping me alive, even after i left." saeyoung quietly spoke, looking down. "i do not exist without you. i thought about you every single day. and if i knew that this is what rika was going to turn you into, i never would've trusted her or v. all i wanted to do, saeran, from the moment we entered this world, was protect you. even if it-- even if it cost me my life. and i wish you could see that." saeyoung sighed, and suddenly he looked so much older than he was. it was clear to see that the years they spent apart was taking a toll on him, and saeran didn't know how he could miss that. "i'll leave you alone, now. i won't say anything and you won't have to see me. i'm just-- i'm just glad that you're alive. that's all i need, is to know that you're happy."

both saeran's mind and heart felt heavy as saeyoung left the room. he paid no attention to the hushed voices outside of his door, instead choosing to slowly sink down on his bed and stare at the floor, tears slowly dripping down his cheeks. he'd wanted to hurt saeyoung-- wanted him to feel a fraction of what he felt, but why did it feel so unsettling? there was no satisfaction, no sense of justice, nothing. in fact, saeran felt so much worse having yelled at his twin. he barely registered the sound of the door opening and closing, or the way the bed shifted as she sat next to him. she reached out, gently carding her hand through his hair as she pulled him in. “you know he loves you, right?” she said, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of his head. “i know it’ll take time to unlearn everything from mint eye, but you need to understand that saeyoung loves you more than anything else in this world. you are his brother, and there isn’t a thing he wouldn’t do for you.”

“…do you think he hates me now?” saeran’s voice was quiet and hoarse when he spoke, and he leaned his full weight on her. “there’s not a thing you could do that would make him hate you.”

THE FIRST YEAR:

it had been a rough year. after those first few months, saeran was physically better, but his mental state was the absolute lowest it’d ever been. it got so bad that saeyoung, vanderwood, and his own partner had all taken to watch over him in various shifts. it had been awkward with saeyoung at first, their relationship torn and tattered at saeran’s hands, but they worked through it. it was a very long process, with saeran sometimes snapping at him or pushing him away- metaphorically and physically. saeyoung kept him occupied, would tell tales of princes and princesses, of happy endings. (where was his own happy ending? did he even deserve one, after everything he did?) vanderwood didn’t really say anything to him, but on rare occasions they would tell embarrassing stories of saeyoung that would have saeran softly laughing and his twin crying out in rage. for all that vanderwood said about not liking anyone in that house, it was clear that they were now apart of saeran’s fucked up little family. however, it was when she watched over him that saeran wouldn’t let himself hide anything. he bared it all to her- his thoughts, his feelings, all of his fears. she had this way of grounding him, of taking everything he said and telling him what he needed to hear.

jumin ended up recommending a therapist for saeran to try, and though he was against it at first, he ended up going. (there was no choice, not really. it was either therapy or, as vanderwood so lovingly said, “we could always try electroshock therapy.” while cracking their taser. saeran’s not really sure if that was a joke or not.) slowly, saeran’s mental state became better. there were still bad days and there would always be bad days, but saeran no longer thought of just ending it all, of taking the burden off of everyone else. however, with therapy came the nightmares. now that his mind wasn’t actively working against him and could rest, the nightmares snuck up on him.

most nights saw saeran sitting up with a sheen of sweat on his features. when she felt him stir, she’d sit up too, her arms automatically going around him as he cried. there were dreams of him killing saeyoung, of him killing her. of saviors and elixirs and being forced to comply to the abuse. the worst ones, though, were the ones where he never left mint eye. where he was never saved and would always remain at the savior’s side, a loyal companion. it was those dreams that left saeran in a state of total fear and despair. she was always there to dispel that fear, though. she’d hold him close and whisper until he fell asleep. would tell him things like, “it’s not your fault, saeran,” and “you are good. down to your bones, from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, you are good. you cannot blame yourself for what you did under the elixir and under rika.”

she always had bags under her eyes, and there was always a hint of exhaustion within her, but she never complained. she was still as bright as the sun- always joking with saeyoung and teasing vanderwood and treating himself with the upmost care and softness. one night, after a particularly bad nightmare, one where she left had left him, had told him that he wasn’t worth saving, saeran had sobbed in her arms. “why are you with me? you would be happier with saeyoung.” his words caused her to pause for a moment, a perplexed look on her face. “no? saeran, i’m at my happiest with you. i love you more than i’ve ever loved anyone. saeyoung is my best friend, but you’re the love of my life. nothing will ever make me leave your side.” her words did little to dispel the bad thoughts form his head, so she took his face between her hands and looked at him. “saeran, my love. i would take a million sleepless nights, would live out of a cardboard box, would live on the run, would do anything if it meant i could stay by your side. i don’t want anyone else but you, okay?” and she kissed him. it was a featherlight thing, and very quick, but it had warmth spreading out over his entire body.

“even when i’m like this?” he quietly asked, sniffling. “when i’m plagued with nightmares every time i close my eyes and neither of us can get enough sleep?”

“even then. i’m not ever leaving your side.”

"You're giving me a look that says you would prefer I take it off to get this ridiculous lesson over with."

"I don't know where you got that idea, Saeran. I think your shark float is cute. It's way cuter than the jellyfish float I use to relax in! It has the bite you love, after all!"

You weren't in the business of making Saeran uncomfortable but he seemed firm about his boundaries in this case. Unlike Ray, he wasn't as apt to crawl into your arms to get used to the water. He knew you would never let him stumble deeper into the water than what he was comfortable with, but he seemed to want to place his trust in himself first and foremost. That was his security, after all. He needed to feel a semblance of control.

He'd always been that way but he was learning how to trust others as best he could. The water was different though. He couldn't negotiate with something that didn't have a consciousness. People, sure! But a body of water that wasn't bound by anything but the wind and tide? It wasn't possible to reason with that. He couldn't ask the water to do a favor for him. He had to trust it to do what it promised to do while he let his body do the rest.

He wasn't one to trust himself, unfortunately.

How could he trust himself and the water?

At least he looked adorable in his shark float. It'd been designed to look like a bite had been taken out of the side. He was partial to the float because it reminded him of himself at his lowest and his best. He felt no different than a misunderstood beast of the sea. They were not monsters without remorse, only doing what they had to do in the environment they were given. Surviving to the best of their abilities in the world.

"Why don't we try focusing on your arms, then? You know you can safely float with your shark but you should work on how to swim in any direction you want!"

"You know I can just put my feet on the ground on this side of the pool, right?"

"Well, of course," you chuckled. "But, there are times when you won't be able to touch the ground, Saeran. That's why knowing how to get your body moving with just your arms is important. All you have to do is paddle. You know how Elizabeth swims?"

Saeran gave you a look. It wasn't a dig to his confidence, but you could understand his confusion. He thought cats hated water. All people assumed that, though! "Even the damn cat can swim?"

"Technically, most animals can swim. But, Elizabeth, alongside other cats and dogs, can swim using a technique we call the doggy paddle. You alternate your hands under the water like paws swinging to the front and back. Most kids learn how to doggy paddle before they're shown any other swimming technique because they've seen their pet do it before!" you explained.

He never had the chance to learn as a little kid, nor did he know what it was like to have a pet to show him the ropes, either. But, he had all the time in the world to try now. There was no time like the present! It wouldn't take him much to do it. He shook the incredulous look off of his face and eyed the distance between the two of you.

"Is that why you're all the way over there? You expect me to use this move to get to you?"

You smiled. You weren't that far off so he wouldn't have to struggle. You were only 10 feet away from him. He could break that distance in the blink of an eye. "Of course! Do you want me to show you how it's done first or can you visualize the technique yourself?"

Saeran scoffed, "As if I need a cat to show me how to swim now. I'm a human! That means my technique will be better than theirs! I have no chance of losing to a cat on my first try."

Much to his success, he did just what you described and pawed at the water both under and over the surface. He stayed in place for a moment as he tried to distinguish where he wanted to apply most of his weight but he found it, it was easy for him to float from his side of the pool to yours. He seemed proud of himself when both he and his float bumped into you, too. The float did make it easier for him to be in the water but he did all the kicking himself.

You ruffled the top of his drenched hair and murmured, "Good boy. That was a perfect doggy paddle."

Saeran bristled at your praise. His cheeks began to turn rosy and he looked away to avoid your gaze. "You don't have to praise me like I'm your pet cat."