((WARNING: VENTING))
I feel really selfish for trying to include myself in things, but at the same time, I selfishly want to be included in things. I mean everyone wants to feel included. Nobody likes to feel isolated. I'll try and reach out to people first, but I can't seem to make any connections that last, at least not for long. It feels like I'm more or less tolerated when I do join in? When I do try to talk?
Like do people like talking to me? Or does it feel more like an obligation to listen? Or maybe nobody really cares. But that's actually worse because I'd like for other people to care a little bit. Like I'm here because I wanted to make friends and it's just so hard to make friends. I miss people when they leave, but I don't think anyone would really miss me if I left.
That's kinda been my mindset lately, as much as I don't want to think like that. Idk...
And while I've been having these thoughts, I still kind of end up hurting myself by continuing to reach out to people who may not really consider me as a friend. Maybe an acquaintance at best. Like I'll consider everyone a friend, but maybe that's just because I don't have many friends to begin with.
All I really wanted was a sense of community, but maybe I just don't really deserve it.
