BDSM Spot

Submissive-Seeking’s Flagged Post On Deep Throating With Tumblr Accepted Photogrsph Of Chocolate Dildos

“ Let’s talk deep throat, aka face fucking …

Okay, not everyone who wants to will ever get to this level of 50 Shades of Tumblr Porn. But you can get better!

The reality starts with the obvious – the size of your guy and your throat. This is the immutable limit for most couples. If you’re an outright mismatch – he’s hung like a Morton Salt box and you’ve got the throat of hummingbird – there’s gonna be a limit. For the rest of us, a little knowledge and training can do wonders.

A quick lesson in anatomy of the throat: we all have two passages, one for air, one for food. And we have an ingenious little “lid” that covers the windpipe (trachea) called the epiglotis. That lid snaps shut at the first sign of something going down or when you swallow. Your other passage, the esophagus, is a tube that with some rings lower down to push food along the way. The trachea has 20 c-rings and is so small no cock will ever fit. (If he’s packing an anaconda, it’ll slip into the esophagus, not your trachea.) Think of all those rings as really tight connective tissue. Now these two passages work together to prevent a lack of air flow. You call it gagging or choking – a muscular reflex (pharyngeal reflex) designed to harness your core muscles and all of your stomach contents to force any blockages back out. See the problem?

But, good news, you can train your brain to not over react!

Remember your basic CPR? Get that head tipped back to open the throat. I recommend supporting the neck on the corner of a mattress and lay back. Have your guy straddle the corner over your face. Now you work yourself into the correct angle. And with YOU in control, with plenty of air and an empty tummy, push his cock in. When you feel it at the back, wiggle around until you feel the head needing to “bend” downward, like going around a corner. Whenever you start to gag or choke, pull him back and breathe.

Now, your spit will get copious and viscous, so swallowing may be helpful. But I find that drooling is both sexy and easier, not to mention extra lube around your mouth. If you suffer with sinus issues, a nettie pot before hand will limit the mucous run off down your throat (read here post nasal drip that runs like a river). Once you find where your gag kicks in, be still for a few seconds, then pull him back. Repeat as you’re comfortable. The “trick” is for you to be in control of this process. He just “let’s you.”

Think living dildo…

With consistency, increasing both time and depth, your brain will learn it’s not a threat. You will get better. After you’ve found a depth and a time that works for you, he can begin to move. I recommend slow and steady. The point here is for your brain to learn it’s not a threat.

Now, not everyone will be able to completely override those reflexes, but everyone can get better!

This is what worked for us. We both enjoy my gagging on his cock. So when he wants that gagging I’m calm and present – not panicked. It’s hot and not unpleasant. In short, deep throat is secretly all about the brain. And, with patient and consistent training, you can get better at it! ”

– Submissive-Seeking

Don’t know how to attach this to the ask.

Another little game.

How about I make you need to scream, make that scream press against your skin until you feel like bursting.

Then I keep you from letting it out.

I’m a slut. I’m a slut for any older man who pays attention to me. I’m a slut for daddy.

I have a sexy little whore cunt. It’s bald and puffy and it needs to be fondled and fucked. It needs to be used.

I like being molested. I like having men palm my hairless mound, finger my cunnyhole, and push their thick daddy cocks deep into my pussy.

I need cum. I’m prettier when there’s cum in or on me. I’m a dirty little cum dump whore and it makes daddies like me more.

I have noticed in recent weeks, as I follow the stream of D/s asks and answers on my dashboard, that there seems to be a growing misunderstanding of what exactly a Dominant IS/IS NOT and SHOULD DO/SHOULD NOT DO. This misunderstanding is present on both sides of the slash and seems to be putting a great deal of unnecessary stress on many relationships.

In my opinion, a Dominant…

is not a God or a Perfect Creature

is a human being who makes mistakes

is not born a complete, all knowing, totally in control Dominant/Master/Daddy/Grand Poobah

is a work in progress, just like a submissive is

If either the sub or the Dom believes that a Dominant is or even should be perfect and infallible then I suggest they seek out some of the excellent mental health practitioners in the phone book.

Dominants cannot change water to wine, cannot walk on that unchanged water and do not have 8 arms which they may use to slay vast armies of rebellious submissives using blades of infernal energy. I am sorry if this breaks anyone’s hobby horse, but if you doubt me, give a Dominant a bottle of mineral water and have them change it to a nice fruity Merlot while they part the Red Sea. 

Go ahead, we’ll wait.

Done? Moving on then.

Once this point has been accepted, the question comes up, if a Dom is NOT a God, then why should they act like one and pretend they are so perfect that even suggesting they are not will crush the faith and dreams of their submissive?

Answer…they shouldn’t.

Instead…

They should admit and apologize when they screw up. They should ask questions to see how their submissive is doing and what they need. They should listen to the answers and make changes accordingly. They should be open to criticism and advice, even from their own submissive if need be. They should view the mistakes previous Doms made not as a burden, but as an opportunity to help their sub grow. They should view the mistakes their sub makes as chances to guide them, teach them and make them feel more secure and loved rather than making them feel like burdens or disappointments. They should understand and make sure that their sub understands that they are always fallible and sometimes weak and confused and often burdened and need their sub’s support just as badly as their sub needs their guidance.

Leave Godhood to the bible…after all, you know how badly THAT turned out.

We hear a lot about what the ideal Dom should look like. I probably see at least one post a day on my feed about what to expect of a prospective Dom. I don’t wish to discount that advice, but I’d like to talk about the flip side of that equation.

Perhaps you have a vision of the perfect Dominant. He’s professional, successful, intelligent, self controlled. He respects you, he puts your needs above his desires, etc. The inevitable next question for the thoughtful sub naturally becomes this: Do you deserve him?

Below are a few of the qualities that I believe make a submissive worthy of the sort of man that Tumblr encourages us to seek. I will be talking about a male Dom/ female sub dynamic, because that is the dynamic I know, and the sort of relationship I am in.

Please make no mistake, I am by no means a perfect sub. In fact, I have a slew of past punishments as evidence to the contrary. I struggle with some of the points below. Being a sub worth owning doesn’t stop because I am owned. I work every day to be deserving of ownership. Some days I fail, and some I succeed. Sometimes I look at the things below and I worry that I’ll never truly be worthy of him. However, as I like to say, your best is always enough. Perfection isn’t the goal, but effort is.

I hope that this list can offer others some perspective. I was lucky enough to have a very experienced, and very generous, Dom take time to help me evaluate these things about myself, and for those who lack that resource I hope that this can help.

1. She does not NEED a Dom, she WANTS a Dom. She is not waiting for a knight in shining armor. She has her shit together. No, this doesn’t mean she’s perfect but she isn’t a complete mess. Things might not look as orderly as they would with his direction, but you shouldn’t have the feeling that everything is always falling apart.

2. She knows what she’s looking for. Know what your ideal Dom looks like. Is he an outdoorsman? Does he share your love of reading? Does he love to travel as much as you? Yes, kink-match is a thing too. If you’re poly, then finding someone who can appreciate that about you is important. If you’re a masochist, you’re likely going to be looking for a sadist. But if your primary criteria read like a laundry list of sex acts then you may want to reevaluate what’s really important to you in the long run.

3. She is constantly learning/bettering herself. Learning is a life long endeavor. Maybe she’s in school, or perhaps she’s an avid reader. Maybe she is a fledgling submissive soaking up as much as she can about the lifestyle, or perhaps she’s training for a marathon. Show your future Dominant that you can put forth an effort, that you can learn, and that you can stick to something.

4. She knows her worth and values herself. You probably heard at least once growing up about what a gift your virginity was, and how important it was to save that for a person deserving of that gift. Your submission is an even greater gift. You are giving the whole of yourself to another person. Know what that’s worth. Remind yourself of all your wonderful traits. List the things you can bring to a relationship. If you’re struggling, try asking some good friends what your strongest quality is. You may be surprised to find out how others see you, and chances are that they see you as more beautiful and valuable than you’re able to see yourself. Try to step into their shoes and remember that you have something to offer, and that you are indeed deserving of affection, respect, and attention.

5. She is self aware. Being perfect is an unobtainable goal, but being conscious of your flaws and working to resolve them is a mark of emotional maturity. Strive to be the best version of yourself. Let yourself off the hook when you fail, because we all do. But if you can’t think of a single flaw that you are currently working on, then it may be time to take a good hard look in the proverbial mirror.

Yesterday, for the first time, I got up the courage to go on a chatroom for Female Orgasm Denial. I talked to someone there who guided me through some masturbation, a few edges, and three orgasms. It was almost a dream come true, as I’ve only done this type of thing with myself really before yesterday.

During the session he asked me about my masturbation habits and when I started masturbating and what I liked to think about. I told him that one of my first fantasies was being a princess locked in a tower. But when the prince came to save me he took me as his. His friends came and watched as he slid himself into me and fucked me back and forth, and then they used me too.

He made me his Queen, but I would always be his sex slave. He would tie me up at night and put arousal gel on my clit, leave me trembling until the next morning. Maybe he would attach a feather from the ceiling for my to wiggle and try to hump against for some relief and stimulation. He would use his mouth on me, roll my clit between his lips and tongue and suck on it.

Sometimes he would let me cum, but he would ruin it to take away the pleasure. Then he would torture me with post orgasm torture, making me cum over and over in my hypsersensitivity. Making me scream and pull on the bonds and beg to stop. But it wouldn’t be for me. It would be for his pleasure. Whether to watch me cry from denial or from exhaustion. His. For him.

He would have other toys. He would keep them chained up, naked and ready to be used. I would be expected to always be ready for him, always close and needy and wet. They would too. Sometimes I would be tied up with them. I would use my mouth on them even though I don’t want to. I would keep them close and never let them cum. They would keep me close and never let me cum.

I would be his Queen. His princess. His slave.

This is my first post. I thought it was fitting to share something that I think I am too embarrassed to share with people who know my face.

The beauty of a Dominant is that they only want the best for you.

They will want to be involved in every facet of your life.

Your submission is what they will patiently wait for.

They will love and encourage you to be the absolute best you can be.

They will only build you up, never tear you down.

Their protectiveness of you, will know no limit.

You are the joy in their life. 

The ray of sunshine which lights up their heart.

A Dominant will look at you with pride.

They will love every perfect inch of you. Mind, body and soul.

A Dominant will watch as you navigate life’s challenges. He will be there when you need that hand. And observe with pride, as you grow and handle those challenges yourself.

You will become something so amazingly incredible when you are held with love.

This is the blossoming which is spoken about for a submissive.

Did you notice that I haven’t used the word sex in any part of the above?

People mistakenly misinterpret what true Dominance is.

Dominance is protection, loyalty, respect, selflessness and deep love.

When a Dominant takes you under his wing, it is the most beautiful spot on the face of the earth to be for a submissive.

And should you come across a soul like this…

kneel.

So firstly get to know them. Would you be their friend? Do you share similar interest in vanilla world? Do they share a similar value system? Do they believe what you believe and respect you in your vanilla lives? I can’t stress how important it is to see if you get along. Are they hiding anything? Are you hiding anything? Openness and honesty and integrity are the pillars of this lifestyle. Secrets ruin all relationships. Stay away from anyone who tries to Dom you instantly, or tries to call you Sir or Daddy— or slut or Princess or whatever in the first convo. If they’re too eager it’s a red flag. Instant sexual convo is also a flag. No one should be dommimg anyone off the bat or quickly submitting to a stranger.Make sure you have open communication skills and are comfortable talking about the uncomfortable things together.

There’s a billion resources on questions to ask on the inter webs on vettting and BDSM but here’s a few of my own.

Are you in any other relationships? is probably the first one I’d go to. Does your other partner know?Would you be open to your partners meeting each other?If they are in a closed relationship it may not be a hard no from you, but make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into first. What are your expectations of the roles and each other?What are your fantasies? What are your Limits-Hard and soft?What are your Triggers?Turn ons and turn offs What do you need for after care?Do you have any illnesses, injuries, medications, or psychological issues that I should be aware of that could threaten one of our wellbeing in or out of a scene?

Truthfully at the end of this…. REALLY get to know one another. You need trust above all else to engage in this kind of play and that takes time. Don’t rush it.

Thanks for the input on this @hitman3030I couldn’t have written this without you.

It doesn’t matter if you’re five-foot-six or six-foot-five. It doesn’t matter if you’re skinny or fat. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got $1 or $1 million – there is a circle on the ground around where you stand. This is your land and your kingdom. Own it.

She should know that the moment she steps into your circle, she’s safe. She’s yours. When you touch her she can feel it, so touch her often. Direct her. Guide her. Lead her.

Put your protective hand on her back and let her feel the safety of belonging to you. When going through a doorway or into a building, or crossing the street, she’s constantly under your protection and guidance.

Grab her wrist and lead her where you want her to go. Physically move her body. Clear the path in front of her.

Tenderly put your hand on her cheek and look into her eyes. Tell her that she’s yours.

It doesn’t matter who’s around. Stop, look at her, and place your hand on the side of her neck. Give her a moment of total peace and solitude of knowing that she’s yours, no matter where you are and no matter what’s going on.

When you’re sitting next to each other, put your hand on her thigh. Grab her wrist and squeeze it tenderly. Hold the palm of her hand in yours and let her feel the warmth of your guardianship.

Inspect her body. Move close to her and brush her hair out of her face or loop it behind her ear. Look at her. Check her out. Stroke her cheek softly with your thumb.

Grab her hand and kiss it. Reassure her. Kiss her on her forehead. Kiss her on her cheek. Show her that you’re always watching.

Firmly grab a fist-full of her hair and look into her eyes, then look down at her lips. Rub her lip with your finger and gaze at her.

You don’t have to be in the bedroom to make love to her entire body. Show her that she belongs to you and that being at your side is her rightful place.

How To Spot A Dominant

There is no way to spot a Dominant at ten paces. Unfortunately many submissives, and particularly novices, are impressed by these superficial things, making it easy for Dominant fakers. Anyone can learn to swing a flogger, talk in BDSMspeak, and wear 13 pounds of leather; but these do not a Dominant make. If you want a quality partner you’ll have to take some time and get to know them. In some ways, choosing a good Dominant is similar choosing a good partner in general. In others it’s quite different because of the unique style of our relationships. They key difference is that when we go into subspace, we make ourselves vulnerable in ways that we may never do with a vanilla partner. This makes the D/s relationship far riskier and we must take extra care when choosing partners. Here are some things to look for, to avoid, and to ignore in your search for a quality Dominant.

A Dominant Is…

Respect A quality Dominant shows respect to submissives, and to everyone. He or she asks questions about your life, listens to the answers, and doesn’t put you down.

Balance A quality Dominant keeps a balance between their vanilla and BDSM lives. They can talk about their family, pets, other things that have nothing to do with BDSM. They have a sense of humor about the lifestyle, and don’t take themselves too seriously. Avoid Dominants with a chip on their shoulder, or who cannot hold a job or keep friends. Especially avoid people who complain about their ex partners or about everyone else in the scene. One day you will be the ex and they will be bitching about you.

Communication A quality Dominant needs to be able to access their emotions, and articulate them. If they are the stereotypical guy who can’t express their emotional side, they will not be able to support your emotional side when the time comes. If they can’t control their temper, or they make a big drama out of life, they will be too self-directed to take care of you.

Consistency A quality Dominant is as good as their word. If they say they’ll show up at 6 PM, they show up. If you are going to trust this person with your body and possibly your heart, you need to know that they will come through. A sometime Dominant is not an effective Dominant

Depth A quality Dominant recognizes that D/s relationships have several dynamics that are very different, and sometimes far more complex than vanilla ones. Because of this, he or she should have a better understanding of human nature than the average Joe or Jane. Messing with subspace is a heavy experience. To live a present life you have to understand human nature. But to be a successful Dominant, you have to really get it at a much deeper level. Doing it with a shallow or superficial person makes for a shallow and superficial experience.

Competency A quality Dominant does not need to know how to use every toy in the toy box, but they do need to be motivated to learn. A novice should not be doing high-end play like whipping, fire play, or knife play without a mentor to guide them. They should be knowledgeable about how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, and have an awareness of first aid. They know that reading and fantasizing about BDSM is not the same thing as doing it. A good Dom acknowledges that he’s not the be-all end-all of information and encourages you to find information about BDSM from many sources.

Pacing A quality Dominant doesn’t hit on you during the first date, and doesn’t discourage you from dating other Dominants until you are ready to make a commitment. They know that a good relationship takes time and that there’s no need to rush in or glom onto you. They also don’t try to “make” you submit before you have given permission to go ahead.

References A quality Dominant is known by someone. A novice may not have BDSM references, but everyone has friends and family. If they are totally in the closet and can’t even offer a vanilla reference then they might not be a good person to get involved with. Being “known” in the scene doesn’t guarantee that a person is a good Dominant, but they will probably be a safe Dominant. There are plenty of Dominants who have great reputations because of their technical knowledge, but have little to offer when it comes to the complexities of a real relationship.

A Quality Dominant Isn’t…

Lord This and Mistress That In the days of the Old Guard, a Dominant had to “earn” their leather vest. Anyone who wore it could be considered a safe and experienced player. Today, anyone can call themselves Lady Bigcheese or Master Bigshot. Author Jay Wiseman writes in his article “Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman” of a submissive friend who “has concluded that there is also a strong inverse relationship between how many titles a man awards himself and how good a dominant he is.” Similarly if they make an “entrance” a la Scarlet O’Hara or claim relationships with many well-known scene personalities, they lose points on the respect-o-meter. Ignore the titles and look at the person.

Toy Obsessions Dominants who obsess about their toy collections send the message that BDSM is about the toys. It’s not. A quality Dominant does not need equipment to dominate, only a powerful and creative mind. Not to mention the Dominants who dangle multiple toys off their belt, especially when they aren’t playing.

Horndog on the Prowl Many novice Dominants or vanilla horndogs view submissives as a quick way to get some free nookie. Wiseman also comments about another submissive friend who “has come to believe that there is a strong inverse relationship between how good a dominant a man is and how quickly he brings up the subject of fellatio.”

Bullies & Manipulators Some people think that being a bully means they’re being dominant. Bullies tell you how things are done and get upset when you disagree. Adults discuss the options respectfully. A real Dominant doesn’t have to force you to do anything. Dominants who try to manipulate you into doing what they want are losers.

A Good Dominant May or May Not Be…

There are lots of things that people think makes someone a good Dominant, but in fact they really don’t indicate much of anything. They include:

You Are Turned On Just because a Dominant makes you hot doesn’t mean they know a darn thing about dominating. It could be pheromones or maybe they remind you of an old flame. It doesn’t mean anything except that you are turned on.

Whether or Not They Initiate Contact Some Dominants believe that initiating contact with submissives is their nature and so they always take the lead. Others believe in allowing submissives to be attracted to them. Neither is indicative of any innate ability to effectively dominate someone.

Their Ability To Write Well Communication on the internet is predicated on being able to write and type well. Many intelligent people cannot do this, and many foolish people are unwilling to even run a spellcheck. We say “foolish” because writing riddled with wrongs makes a bad impression. This being said, being able to write well has nothing to do with being a good Dominant.

Privacy Issues Dominants, and particularly men who do the same thing get less respect. There are just as many unbalanced women online as there are unbalanced men. Don’t give out your personal information, and also don’t worry if they won’t either.

What They Do For a Living Yes, a stable person will have a stable job. But they don’t need to be CEO of some corporation to be able to dominate. There is a stereotype of the female executive submitting in the bedroom, and the male househusband dominating, but neither are relevant. If ambition is important to you, fine. But it doesn’t in itself indicate an ability to either dominate or submit.

Great Clothes Anyone can buy fabulous leather outfits. Let them know how great they look, then move on to more substantial topics.

Assertive Mannerisms There’s a huge difference between controlling situations, and controlling a person. Don’t be fooled by people who act assertive in public.

Charm & Flirtatiousness It might be fun to flirt with a charming Dominant, but social skills have little to do with the ability to control.

Paying for the Date I used to think that the Dominant should pay for the date because they were the Dominant. On the other hand, some Dominants expect the submissives to pay as an homage. A person may well be a fabulous Dominant, but is unemployed, low on cash, or may believe in equality outside the BDSM relationship.The person who asks for the date should pay for it. Or both share the bill on first date at least. Don’t play games like waiting for them to pick up the check – talk about it up front and avoid games.

Anon,

You do you my friend. Your relationship can look however you like. If that is what kitten play looks like to you, it’s consensual and it’s done in a BDSM context who cares about the trappings? Wouldn’t it be boring if everyone did the same cookie cutter dynamic? I think so.

Haters gonna hate. 😎 Remember your dynamic is what is important, not what other people think or assume!

reminder: these terms (dom, little, sub, pony, WHATEVER) are made up and can mean whatever the fuck we want them to.

if everybody’s happy and nobody is getting hurt, then there’s really no wrong way to do it;

conversely, anybody selling you The One Twue Path Of Kink is full of shit.

just communicate with your partner, and do whatever makes you happy.

if you wanna be a little who’s sometimes a kitten but every other weekend you’re a Brat Princess and on alternating thursdays you’re a Findom Fairy Godmother,

then FUCK IT, because there’s no rules for that sort of thing except the ones we make for ourselves.