Kinkynewb

A great impact scene is almost transcendent. It leaves my whole body humming. My body feels like it’s floating, and my brain just feels warm and soft and fuzzy. I curl into my Dominant’s arms, almost unable to form words. It is connection and trust, lightness and freedom. But it’s hard to overstate how hard it is to reach this place. In my years of doing impact, I’ve only felt it a handful of times. There’s a balance required to get there that most scenes just don’t find.

The best impact scenes are like a symphony. They allow you to feel the intensity by changing it. Symphonies are sometimes thundering drums and crashing cymbals. But they rarely start or finish that way. They take you to the edge, and then pull you back. Like symphonies, impact scenes cannot be a push to red. A push to red destroys trust. It is where submission ends. When I’m asking myself if it’s time for yellow, I am already thinking about when to withdraw consent. My mind grows alert because I need to make a decision. Yellow is a good communication tool. But if I stay there too long, it pulls me out of a submissive headspace. At the same time, I do want to suffer. Suffering creates an opportunity for me to serve. I need the intensity to help me let go and give myself. I need the varying intensities to help me reach the right space, then stay there. 

Symphonies have a rhythm and a flow that moves you through, but they also stay in one place long enough for you to really feel it. The beginning sets the theme and helps you orient yourself to the piece. Then each movement takes on a purpose or feel that tells the story. There’s some consistency within each. When I’m starting to sink into subspace, I need that consistency if I’m going to let go. I need a consistent pace and strength and implement, with gradually increasing intensity. Sometimes during a sadistic spanking, Dominants vary these things to keep me mentally present. But if they want that transcendent experience, I need time with each pace and strength and implement to be able to melt into it. I need time to transform the pain into waves pulsing through me. That’s where I find my calm. That’s where I let go. 

But this transcendent experience doesn’t happen easily. When you are creating a symphony with another person, it takes a while to learn their flow and style. Impact requires one person to translate a person’s bodily response into what they are thinking and feeling, in a space where everyone reacts differently. I’m sure there are some tops who can do this during pick-up play. But for me, I can’t imagine reaching that depth without a deep bond making it possible. I need the foundation of responsibility and trust before I can let go completely. I need it before I can allow them to take me to the place where I can’t form words, where I am a softly whimpering puddle of girl. 

“Dear Future Dominant,

Submissive women think and feel differently. We feel everything. We want everything. The ugly parts of you we want as well. Submission is a great gift that will be bestowed upon you but such a loving soulful submissive. You can not pick and choose what parts are worthy to share with her. Please learn her. Learn who she is first. Place the hands you own on her face as you take her hand on a powerful path. Understand the why of how she holds walls so high. Take each brick and throw them to the ground. Break down and be raw. Dominant’s should be vulnerable too. Understand nurturing. Love yourself before you love her. Make yourself a priority. Allow the submissive to hold you high and help you become the best man you can be. Never stop learning and knowledge is power. Make sure you are transparent in expectations. Laugh. Laugh a ton. Kiss her forehead and smile. Please make mistakes and work from them together.Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Place yourself first so you can become the best man you can be. It is at that point, you can take care of a submissive 100% Give yourself to her. Feel her presence as she kneels before you. Take each breath and understand those same hands around her neck will also be the same hands you will hold her with in aftercare. Be calm. Submissives hide when they feel scared. Never raise a voice, simply because you do not need to. Let her in who you are. Let her see the weakness you may have. Accept unconditional love. Do not have her ever second guess the submission and dominance of the relationship. Smile. Smile alot. Share with her how you need her to be at your mercy. Understand patience. Guarded woman are guarded for a reason. Learn why. Make her a priority. Communicate why you need her over your knee. Share with her you’re most powerful secrets. With a fist full of hair, explain to her in her ear what you need and will take. Never over step boundaries. Make her smile be the largest in the room. You will be the one to benefit 100% to learn her core. Be you. All of you. Just love her–and yourself.

Sincerely,

Close your eyes. Feel my hands tighten around your throat.

You belong to me, pet.

Just listen.

Listen to my voice.

Close your eyes and just obey.

Don’t think; just listen.

Open your mouth. Part those pretty lips for me.

No, don’t suck my fingers.

Just keep your mouth open.

Wet and dripping.

Just like I told you.

Just listen and obey and drip for me.

That’s my good little girl.

My sweet obedient pet.

You don’t need to think tonight.

You just need to listen.

To obey.

Submission. A word that is critical in this lifestyle, yet is thrown around, sometimes carelessly. Forced upon some, faked by others. But submission takes many forms, making its identification not always an easy task. There are obvious categories like submissive, little, slave, pet, but there are other potential differences than can appear either through kinks (or absence of kinks), or overall philosophy.

I sometimes believe I’m surrounded by subs who are my opposite in one particular way. They seem to freely and easily share photos and videos of themselves, publicly. I struggle to even take a selfie, much less share it. Video… I nearly had a panic attack the first time I had to share a video. Most times, if possible, I try to keep the camera averted. Now, i realize I am making assumptions about their efforts, assuming it’s easy for them… it’s entirely possible that they struggle as greatly as I do.

But, one difference is irrefutable. I have drawn a line. A line around my submission that drastically changes what I am willing to do in public. A line that demarcates my submission as something sacred to me, something I will share only with the one to whom it is given. Not with a group. Perhaps, then, to some, my submission is less or not real. I do not believe this to be true, and really, it matters only the me and the person to whom I am submitting. Just as each dynamic is different within this lifestyle, so are the characteristics of each person’s submission.

But in here, you can let go.  In here, you give me the reins.  In here, you let me take charge and free your mind, even if it’s just temporary.  In here, you don’t need to lead.  In here, you can always trust me to use the power you give me responsibly.  To let me give you what you need.  What you desire.  What you crave.  

In one of the kik groups I frequent, someone posted a link to this tumbler post by @instructor144 :

_______________________________________

“I’m not feeling it …”

A PM from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of privacy -

“I’m a relatively new Dom, and my sub is a very new submissive. This morning instead of my expected ‘Good morning, Daddy!’ greeting, I got ‘Good morning.’ That’s it. I asked her what was wrong and she answered ‘I’m just not in the mood today. I just don’t want to.’ What the heck do I do with that?”

I had a very similar experience long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. It went a little something like this

“Good morning.”

“Excuse me? Care to try that again, using the proper protocol this time?”

“I’m just not feeling it this morning.”<!–

“I see.”

As a point of reference, “I see” in my lexicon is shorthand for “You are so close to being fired right now, so I strongly suggest you pay attention to what I’m about to say.”

The conversation was brief and sharp. The point was made. The lesson was learned. It did not happen again. The lesson is one that submissives and Dominants would do well to learn. The lesson is this:

You don’t get to submit – or dominate – only when you’re in the mood. D/s done right is hard work. There’s an initial “honeymoon period” (in my experience, roughly 4-5 months) when everything is shiny and new. The submissive is smitten and cock-struck. The Dominant is equally smitten and cunt-struck. But once that honeymoon period passes, this stuff is damned hard work, and it’s damned hard work every single day. And you have to bring your best game, your unwavering focus, and your commitment to and belief in the relationship every goddam day. Vanilla couples can have a bad day, where they aren’t fully engaged and invested in the relationship. Some have bad months, years, decades. They shuffle along, detached but staying together. D/s couples don’t have this luxury; the structured relationship and the high stakes don’t allow it.

Submissives: you are going to have days when your submission feels like a burden. You’re going to have days when it’s a struggle just to hang on to minimum compliance with rules and protocols. You’re going to have days when you hate the restrictions and demands. You are going to have days when yes, you are even going to hate your Dom.

Dominants: you are going to have days when you wake up and think “I can’t handle this responsibility for another human being today.” You’re going to have days when your submissive is in a recalcitrant mood and you re going to feel the overwhelming temptation to just say “Fuck it, do what you want.” You’re going to have days when you loosen your grip on the leash, not because you think it’s helpful for her (it never is), but because you just can’t work up the motivation to hold the leash taut.

Here’s the deal, folks. These feelings are normal. They happen in every D/s relationship. Many D/s couples will internalize and choke down those feelings. The best will be open about it, maybe give their partner a heads up that they’re going to be struggling today. They may even act out, or act up. But here’s the money shot: you get in there and you do it anyway. You dig deeper than you’d ever have to do in even the most intense vanilla relationship, you find that core of your being, you hold tight to that person who means the world to you, and you handle your business.

There is no other way.

_______________________________________

It’s a fantastic post and spurred a great discussion within our group about communication within each of our respective dynamics, how it happens, challenges we might face, ways our respective Doms have helped us to overcome our shortcomings.

I know that I myself, just in the last few weeks, have suffered from some of those feelings as I struggle through the complex feelings I have over my mother’s passing. But my Master is well aware of my challenges – He has gone so far as to task me to stop and remember her.

As I read the post, I found myself nodding, agreeing, cheering the words of @instructor144 . And I do agree. Wholeheartedly. And yet, when I’m completely honest with myself, haven’t there been times when I, too, have been tempted? Inclined to say “not right now, I’m not in the mood”… But that’s not submission. Nope. That’s playacting.

So I must decide, am I all in, or not? If not, there’s little point. A D/s just won’t work with a half or partial commitment.

I don’t even have to think twice on that… I’m all in.

My sub is in law enforcement. You read that right. The woman that has chosen to bless me with the gift of her submission knocks on doors all day and walks into the homes of strangers to serve and protect. She grinds away, suffering insults daily and sometimes assaults. She does things that would make most grown men want to run and hide.

She stands up for herself and what is right, literally risking life and limb to do so. Then will bend over to be spanked by yours truly for breaking a rule.

She will stop for 10 minutes to have a snack rather than a proper lunch because her work load will not allow it. Then she will send me a picture of what she is eating for my approval.

She is extremely passionate about ending domestic violence and abuse wherever she encounters it. She does so often wearing my marks and bruises on her bottom, breasts, neck, and shoulders.

To several people that may be reading this, she may sound like a contradiction, but let me assure you that she is not. It takes a strong strong woman to be in law enforcement. It takes an even stronger woman to be a submissive. Every day she takes her life in her own hands to protect others. Every day she puts her life in my hands to protect her. That risk is something that I, as a Dom, could not fathom.

To have the trust and love of any sub, but especially one so strong, is something that I watch with awe. She doesn’t need me. She pays her own bills, is far more educated than I, makes more money, is beautiful enough to get any man she wants, and is strong enough to take care of herself. She CHOSE to need me. She did so because she respects and trusts me. Because I strive every day to not let her down from my end. It is a gift, her submission, and I will never take it for granted or abuse it.

Her submission pushes me to be all that she sees inside of me. It makes me strong. Her devotion makes me attentive, understanding, protective, caring, faithful. Her SUBMISSION is what makes me a LEADER.

Take time to appreciate your subs every day guys and gals. Without them we are just people scrolling tumblr and wishing; with an empty leash in our hand.

Wants, and needs. Wants, and needs, wants and needs. The two most important things in a dynamic is a partner that fulfills both of these. However, it has become all too common in recent times that a Submissive will be under the impression their wants and needs don’t matter. That their sole purpose is to please their Dominant.

This is such a damaging thought process. Everyone has basic needs, and they should always come before wants. You need to nurture yourself and your partner so that you can achieve your wants.

The assumed Heirarchy of BDSM often doesn’t get talked about past “The Dominant makes the rules”, but there is so much more to it. Both roles in a dynamic are equally important.

Let’s say you’re a Dominant. I don’t care if you’re a Daddy, Sadist, or the Dommiest of All Dom’s. You have a job. Your job is to protect and motivate your Submissive to do better, and be better. Which means you need to advise and care for your Submissive. Their needs come before your wants. This is a lot of work, and if you aren’t up to the challenge, walk away now. I don’t care if you call yourself Sir Awesome Von Dommipants… If you put your wants before someone’s needs, you’re a toxic human being.

Now let’s say you’re a Submissive. Let’s say Sir Dommipants wants to constantly use you for sexual acts and debauchery but nothing else. What is your motivation to stay? As a Submissive, your job is never to be a doormat. You deserve to be nurtured in return for your efforts to satisfy your Dominant’s needs… Oh look, a perfect segue.

Dominants also have needs that need to be fulfilled, and I’m not talking about the throbbing length of unjustified manliness between their legs. A Submissive should always take it upon themselves to remind a Dominant that they are not inhuman. They need reminders to take care of themselves, to relax, to slow down. Some even need a proper kick in the underpants to just get important things done.

And here we are, after lots of rhetoric, at the point of this blog. The heirarchy of Dynamics:

Dominants, put your your Submissives needs first. This is your thank you to them for serving you and allowing you to control them.

Submissives, don’t forget to remind your Dominant to take care of themselves. Talk to them, thank them, make sure they know how much you appreciate them.

Submissives, satisfy your Dominant. Consider it your way of thanking them for nurturing you.

Will he come running?

If you’re in a D/s relationship, ask yourself this question… will he come running? Maybe not physically always but emotionally….. Will he come running?

If you’re sad and the words won’t come, will he drop what he is doing and be there? Will he come running?

If you’re in any kind of danger from anyone or anything will you be the priority? Will he come running?

When you have a nightmare will he comfort you in that moment? Will he come running?

When your inner demons are encroaching and making you doubt your sanity will he hold you and tell you that they won’t come on his watch? Will he come running?

When you are afraid, will he make you feel safe? Will he come running?

When you feel yourself slipping into a dark place, will it be his hand that you see reaching out to you? Will he come running?

When you can’t sort out your thoughts, will he be the voice of reason for you? Will he come running?

When you feel the weight of the decisions of the world, will he lighten the load for you? Will he come running?

When you are crying for any reason will he be there to wipe the tears away? Will he come running?

When you doubt your worth, will he make you see your value? Will he come running?

When you see nothing but ugliness in yourself, will he make you see the beauty? Will he come running?

When you stumble and fall, will he lift you up again? Will he come running?

When you are unable to make any decisions, will he make them for you? Will he come running?

When you doubt you are worthy, will he hold you until you understand you are? Will he come running?

When you feel like you are not his priority, will he recognise his faults? Will he come running?

When you are being foolish, will he hold you accountable? Will he come running?

When you need to have cathartic tears, will he know how to extract them? Will he come running?

When you go quiet, will he sense it and ask you why? Will he come running?

When you are angry, will he know how to calm you? Will he come running?

Now ask yourself….. Will you? Will you go running?

I completed some major changes to the Library For Kinksters. Here is the update…

Aftercare

Aftercare 101

Aftercare For Dominants

Coping With Emotional Subdrop

Dom Drop

How To Make A Sub Drop Kit

Online Aftercare

sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare

Subdrop and Aftercare

Subspace and Aftercare

Consent

Consent & BDSM

Guide to Consent

Doms, Daddies & Masters

7 Fundamental Characteristics of A Daddy Dom

12 Characteristics Of An Ideal Submissive

25 Things Daddies Should Do For Their Littles

30 Rules For A Modern Gentleman

45 Things A Girl Wants, But Won’t Ask For

50 Rules for Daddies

100 Sweet Things You Can Do For Your Princess

101 Things To Do To Make Your Slave Feel Owned (loved)

Alternative Names For “Daddy”

Alternative Domme Titles

Aspects Of Control

Asserting Ownership - Rules

Daddy Up!

Defining A Daddy Dom

Dominants Need Training Also

Fun Tasks Daddies Can Give Their Littles

Help For New Doms

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive

How To Be A Good Dominant

How to Find a Submissive

Knowing when to be a Dom and when to be her Man

New to DDLG - A Daddy Dom

Observations On Doms By A Submissive

So you want to be a Dom?

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate her

Some Little Rules All Daddies Should Know

The Dom Commandments

Things for Daddies to Keep in Mind

What Being A Dom Is About - A Submissive’s Perspective

What does the title Daddy mean?

What is a Daddy Dom?

What is a Daddy Dom Mentor?

What It Means To Be A Dominant

What Makes A Good Dominant

Littles, Subs & Slaves

6 Questions Every Submissive Needs To Ask Her Potential Dominant

7 Common Types of Submissives

10 Tips For Living With A Sadist

10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

11 Red Flags Of An Abusive Dominant

26 Baby Girl Jobs

50 Things You Can Do For Your Daddy

A Bottom’s Responsibility

A Dominant’s Advice To His Submissive

A Man Who Knows You…

A Good Dom vs. A Bad Dom

Acid Test For Subs

Ask A Million And One Questions

Attraction to DD/lg: A Little’s Perspective

Baby girl or little? A brief introduction

Care and feeding of Daddies

Characteristics Of A Good Daddy

Coaxing The Daddy Dom Out Of Your Partner

Feminist Submissive

Finding Your Dominant

Good Rules For Middles and Littles To Live By

Guide For Young Newbie Sub Girls

How a Dom Behaves Shows How He Will Behave Towards You.

“How do I find Daddy?” A guide to help you safely find the Daddy you’re looking for.

How Does A Submissive Ask for Something from Their Dominant?

How To Find A Dom

How to Take Proper Care of Your Dom

I Solemnly Swear I Will Not Do This To Daddy

Novice Submissives

Physical abuse of littles - it is never OK

Signs Of A Fake ‘Dominant’

Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.

Submissives, Learning to Trust Your Instincts

Submissive Pride

Submissive Traits - Intelligence

Things My Dream Daddy Would Say To Me

What is a Little?

When newbie subs, with asinine “doms,” need to run away.

Why I call him Daddy

Your Rights As A Submissive

Long Distance Relationships

10 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship

Getting The Most Out Of A Long Distance Relationship

How To Make Long Distance Relationships Work

Long Distance Relationships - Tools To Cope

Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Contemplation: Sticking with plans

The Long Distance D/s Relationship

Mental Health

BDSM practitioners ‘healthier and less neurotic’ than ‘vanilla’ peers

Body image & BDSM

How to Get Over Feeling Sad

Is BDSM normal?

Love your Vulva – a self-esteem guide to your sensitive bits!

Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship

Meditation And Mindfulness

On Cutting

Steps For Letting Go of Painful Memories

Things to Do When You’re Anxious, Scared, or Just Need a Distraction

Tips for Recovering from Codependency

What Are Anxiety Disorders? (Infographic)

Why Do I Feel Unloveable?

Relationships

10 Habits of Happy Couples

10 Top Communication Mistakes

10 Types of Emotional Manipulators

12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You”

BDSM Breakups: All Good Things Must Come to an End

BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways

Collars and Collaring - A Personal Perspective

Communication Is Key

Concept Daddy Dom/Little Girl Relationships

Daddy Doms and their little girls

Daddy Doms, Baby Girls, Little Boys And More

Date Night In A Jar

DD/lg In Public

D/s and Domestication

Factors That Make A Relationship

Finding Love When You Least Expect It

Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests

How To Be Present In Your Relationships

How To Build A Healthy Relationship

How To Get What You Want In A Relationship

How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”

How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level

Importance Of Confidence In RelationshipsImportance Of Trust In A Relationship

Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship

Needy Girls Are Daddy Dom Bait

Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore

Searching for a D/s partner?

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships

Stop Arguments Before They Start

The Rewards of a Submissive

Types Of Relationship Insecurity

Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

What Is Real Love?

When He Doesn’t Call

Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better

Safety

Another life ruined because of the morality police

Bondage Basic Safety: Crops, Paddles & Bondage!

Kinks, Risks, How To And Why Sometimes You Shouldn’t

Limits in BDSM

What is Emotional Abuse?

Self Improvement

10 Tips for Creating a Happier Life

10 Steps To Self Care

10 Ways To Be Happy

10 Truths To Live By

Guaranteed Ways To Be More Attractive

How to be Yourself

How To Deal With Your Enemies

How To Ignore Haters

How to Recognize a Toxic Friend

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Slut Shaming Explained

Tips for Healing a Broken Heart

What are the Signs of a Jealous Friend?

Sex

50 Cunnilingus Tips from Women

Basics of Breath Play

D/s or Kinky Sex?

Fetishes Explained

How To Make A Girl Squirt

How To Tell Your Son About Sex

Intersection of BDSM and Queer Heterosexuality

Sensual Biting

Sex: Myths & Stereotypes

Sex: Practical Details

Sex: Pregnancy and Birth Control

So You Want To Try Anal? A Practical Guide For Women

Squirting Educational Video

Squirting Notes

Toys

Advice on Dildos and Buttplugs

BDSM on a budget

Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)

Training

10 Considerations for Inexperienced Subs

30 Things You Can Do For Your Human Kitten

40 Very Important DD/lg Facts

Age Play: A Short Guide

BDSM for Beginners: Safe and Affordable Play

DEFINED: SSC (Safe, Sane & Consensual) & RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)

Etiquette in BDSM Part 1

Etiquette in BDSM Part 2

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 1 - Beginnings

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 2 - The Dominant Mind

Glossary of BDSM Terms

Guide To Blood Play

Guide To Bruising

Guide To Talking Dirty

Guide To Wax Play

How Do I Get Started In BDSM?

How to Make a Blanket Fort/Cuddle Nest

How To Make A Comfort Box

Introduction To BDSM

Newbie’s Guide To Vaginal Fisting

Punishments in BDSM Relationships

Red Flags For Online BDSM Relationships

Some Thoughts On Rules

The Leash Has Two Ends - Responsibility

The Need For Rules and Discipline

Education is 🔑 Knowledge is 💪🏻

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