Dreaming in Fantasy

I hate t he realization That I am behind on my career. I got a rejection from Atlassian. This was after 5 interviews, and the HR call. This was after the system autoreject and me reaching out to Martin Lam the heads directly.

Like, just realizing how much Sam made doesnt make me feel good. Or knowing how Nico can write angel checks. Like I need a job like that. And i have no idea how. I am looking at jobs at Seronic in Austin. I need to completley redesign my resume for the Ai and defense companies,

like i know i havent squandered anything. But i feel like the worst version of myself. Whether it’s the hair. The motorcycle, the gym. I dont know.

It’s also my inability to maintain relationships

Not that reaching out to my old boss is the right move

i feel resentment towards carl and i feel like i dont want him, or a man like that, ever again.

Idk if i should go to the library to get work done or not. I feel like i can be efficient here… but i havent left th house since coming back from work. It’s only a 10 minute walk. And ten i wanna do hot yoga. Maybe the walk and steps would be good for me.

I haven’t written on this blog in a year and that last post was a bad memory. How do I resume? I’ve journaled in a notebook since, hoping no one would find it but I left that back in my apartment because last time I brought it over I hardly wrote in it. I feel like I never have a moment of peace to myself at my parents’. Writing by hand may be slower, but it’s much quieter.

I feel like I’ve forgotten how to be vulnerable to myself again. Some things I don’t want to put in writing for fear of someone reading it, or because it makes it more real. I don’t want to believe in jinxes and curses, but silence is the surest way to let fate take its path. I’m not sure it runs very much in my favor anymore.

I don’t even know what to talk about. Old problems still bother me. The newer ones are small and trite, yet so acute. I tried 3? 4? weeks of therapy and then she left. Did I do something wrong? Should I try again? Little Asshole and I are talking again. Dummy Dude and I had a conversation about his career. He really likes engineering. He knows what he wants to do, stay in the South to be with his family. Tennessee, namely. I think his brother is there. He said depending on location he would change jobs. Chicago had a location in the suburbs...but with the hopes of my impending job change, I almost don’t know if I wanted him to go there when I wasn’t. I mean he wouldn’t anyway. But I guess we all move in our lives. He was so sweet. I’m still so fond of him. I hold so much hope but also he was hard to keep long distance during quarantine, but during Christmastime it was fine. I don’t know. I’m so confused. I shouldn’t be, the answer is right there. Move on, he doesn’t want me. But I know he would if I were closer. But that can’t really change now, can it. Me fantasizing about visiting West Virginia to enjoy the mountains. See a small town. It’s all so dumb. It would be naïve to visit without us having a label, we’ve pushed past friendship. I would have fallen again. But I had hoped he would, without moving on so fast after like last time. Gorecki and him in bed...they never kissed but it makes me sad. I mean he came back to me. Did I win? Or am I too easy?

 I just wish he would call. Are we not friends? He’ll keep the streak going on Snapchat but...

See. He’s an old issue. From March.

New one? My job interview. or Pretzel.

I guess I have a lot to let out. I might just write a lot the next few days. I want to empty myself out. I’m still not sure if I want to go forward. Whether because of him, because I know I won’t actually move on... I dunno. I think I don’t know my own opinions anymore. Or what I want. People are so volatile and cruel.

Why do people insult music taste? I confused David Bowie and Billy Joel, but that gives you no right to insult my tastes, “you have no right to criticize, you listen to top 40.” They are popular for a reason. No I do not just listen to top 40. You don’t appreciate hip hop, PC music, Kpop, latino pop, etc.

Had three dreams...they were kind of traumatic.

First one: I was at Notre Dame, but it was in California. I was talking to an adult and they said there was a 9.0 earthquake in China. I said there would be one in California next, at least a 5! When in the bathroom, there was an earthquake. I was freaking out, I hid under the toilet and the girls near me were scared. It lasted a lot longer than I thought it would, but it was realistic. I realized that people died like this, but I was to ready to die.It was freaky. Finally, I left and ran straight to the grotto which was completely fine and people like Phil and Nickel were there. We started praying and holding mass, and I stood up and left for a bit and came back. It was just really scary, lots of feelings, and I was helping organize things.

Second one’: Christmas mass. Chris Pratt was reading for church at St. Gabriel’s, and he was struggling and going on a tangent and I was frustrated af. I wanted to read it for him but I had my top retainer in and it would give me a lisp. Chris then went off topic and was being stupid and I was annoyed because it was 57 minutes in and we were barely halfway done with mass. My mom asked me why I didn’t fix it and I told her about my retainer.

Third one: In Ireland. I had gone exploring in a multipurpose room/gym just to see out of curiosity. Sadie and I were going to the basement for something and I told h er it was near the lockers I had seen. Turns out the lockers weren’t in the basement but on the main floor. Sadie and I start skipping and we see Phil, seeing us skip. He waves at us, and I’m glad I was skipping

.shit started yesterday with a screaming match on racism with my mom. Three house of sleeping later I woke up for my flight, but we left late because my dad. I got lost because no one was giving me directions and I didn’t have my GPS on. Everyone was yelling. Lots of drunk homeless people in downtown. Checked into the airport at 5:29 limit to check my bag was 5:30. Security line was long and I made it on the plane as the last one in line because United loads 45 minutes early, not 30 like Southwest fml. I text my lady aout not mkaing it on time. She acts lke a bitch, I have to buy a hotel room for the night. I’m going to hope someone compensates, Im figuring out if Jayne w ho texted from the “local number” will be willing to. i don’t know how to approach it without just looking like I want money. it was so stressful.

Ill ask the guy tomorrow “If I want to make a complaint, who would it be towards? Yesterday there was a bit of a situation, my flight was delayed and I called to let Jayne know and she said she wasn’t willing to let me move in later so I had to make last minute arrangements at a nearby hotel. If I had known there were such strict time limitations I would have rescheduled my flight to an even earlier one, even tho I had one at 6:15am that was delayed and caused me to miss the originally scheduled bus. I was not told that I needed to meet with anyone to move in until this past Monday, and it wasn’t made clear that it was to exchange information in regards to moving in, not a “tour.” The exchange that happened when I was explaining my dilemma was unprofessionally handled and left me without a room that I had started leasig for that day. Not only was my time wasted, but so was additional money on a hotel room because of the lack of flexibility that was not implied, especially during the initial phone call. The commitment to the students they claim to serve was not met by the lack of communication. I hope that this inicident doesn’t happen to other students in the future and that some sort of compensation is paid in regards to the inconveniences of scheduling a hotel room at such a short notice. Sincerely go fucking fuck yoursel