Badly Drawn Bear

Naturally things are going to progress and I try not to let things affect me to much but they do. 2 days with her well fuck. I know it will be 3 weeks by the time I see you but seeing that set me off. Obviously as it naturally happens the longer you are with someone the more time you want to spend with them it is the whole thing about falling in love. I guess in the back of my head I knew it was serious. I mean I did. Hearing and seeing evidence though is different. Have a nice weekend. I do honestly mean that even if a tiny part of me ok a bit more than a tiny part is jealous. The fact that I'm in work while this is going on doesn't help. Hours or nothing to do but let me brain think. Ok stop it missus. You're just winding yourself up

I Now I am raw.

And just like that poof. All the excitement for the day goes away. Blink of an eye. I cried most of yesterday. Our plans got a little upscuttled too. We did however have a nice dinner where I started to feel better and really enjoyed it. Then had drinks in another place and remembered what was said so I got upset all over again. Stupid over emotional me. Sometimes I will I could just be stoic all the time. That things didn't affect me the way they do. Was really starting to feel accepted and that I belonged somewhere and was starting to de stress about moving. That maybe it would all be fine. That notion was shattered. My dreams of a home, a home that is mine. That I am part of broken once again. Such bad timing too. The day of our anniversary. We did the best we could to enjoy it. And did. I love that restaurant. We ordered to much food and got free food. Had an old fashioned for the first time that was so zingy it was like getting electocuted everytime I took a sip. I long for the day when things are easy. When life is simple because so far in my life nothing has been accept mister. If not for you. So here you go void take these thoughts so I can sleep. Couldn't at all sleep last night felt anxious and like I had to leave all night. But for the alcohol in my person and the cuddlecage I was trapped in because I was upset I might have. Thank you for that.

If you'd told me 3 years ago that in two days I'd be celebrating 1 year with my mister I'd have laughed right in your face . I have been so closed off for most of my life. A product of circumstance. I have found it difficult to open up but wow did I. Never in a million years after a relationship broke up after 7 years did I think that I'd meet a guy I could see myself settling down with. Having children with and even might marry. I thought I'd never find anyone who'd be able to deal with my quirks and that when I eventually let them in would be able to handle me. I am a highly jealous person. I know when I'm being nuts and I can contain it but sometimes it's creeps out. Reassurance is a great one for this. I am also a very emotional person and if I'm stressed or worried sometimes it's hard to seperate my freak outs. I try and stay centred telling myself everything is fine but sometimes (this took a lot of getting used to and yes you are right) I have to breakdown and let the tears flow. Took me a long time to get to that point with him. It is scary because I don't like to be seen as vulnerable but I know i am. I am scared most of the time of loosing everything. Took so long to get to a point where I feel I deserve it, that I don't know what I'd do without it. Even though we drive each other mad sometimes and there are times that I get so annoyed I want to scream. Annoyed is a bad word, frustrated is better. I can't imagine not having you in my life. I am getting overwhelmed with feels and we all know i am not good with those so I'll say this and leave it at that. I'll take the occasional upset, the murderous intent(kidding obviously), the frustration any day because with it comes love, acceptance, warmth, laughing, challenging (I could not and can not date people who don't challenge my brain) our weird similarities and ability to freak people out without too much effort. The feeling that I am a better me for being around you. For you making me feel like people should feel, loved. For making me feel like I am less hollow than I used to feel and that some day I may feel whole. I know you read these but only every so often so for whenever you read this. I love you. More than I ever loved anyone. More than I thought I could love another person. So happy 1 year together. I hope there is many more.

I feel a little at a loss today. I just woke up feeling sad. I think mentally in my head I was preparing for the worst. Message from others telling me what's going on. Pictures from the event that I wasn't at that shows everyone. Though that hasn't happened yet. I am pretry sure it will because it always has. Even when you know in advance it's still awkward. When you see it or hear it, it still feels like a kick in the chest. I was reminded of how alone life can get sometimes even when you have friends. Even loved ones. I was on my social media last night while I was waiting for updates and noticed that everyone is having an epic time out and I was alone. I needed time to myself but I always end up feeling alone because it reminds me of all the time I used to have to spend alone because I had few friends who where always busy with their lives. Sometimes I need time to myself but there is a line. I get in my own head and my brain over thinks. I hate that I've become so dependant on people. I am an emotional wreck. I am my own sense of sadness. I am torn. I am all knotted up. I am sad.

Clarity is a wonderful thing. Sometimes I feel I don't explain my concern's properly. As much as what other people think doesn't define me it is still hard being on the other side of people judging you. People have pre conceived notions of what people and relation ships are, should be. I don't fall with in standardised lines of these notions but just because I don't doesn't mean I am the complete other end of the spectrum. Polyamory for instance. My experiences with polyamory weren't all positive, to rules been changed and lying. To explain some of these I think is the best way of explaining. Lets cal this one Relationship A. Rules: not in our home, for the first 6 months all dates are prearranged and the other person is aware of the date before it takes place, protection is used at all times, one night stands are not tolerated, you have to physically want to be in a relationship with the person, no lies honesty is very important. Primary is not cancelled on for dates with secondary. Loving another person is not only ok but encouraged as is truly what polyamory us all about. There was more but these are the imporant ones. These were the rules I was given and I agreed were important. My most important one was protection. Another point to note is this was my first instance of Polyamory. Now the ways it went wrong. All of these were broken. And I do mean all. Not by me. The other person had one night stands, never told me of dates, thought the other person being on "birth control" was sufficient. Turns out they had gotten back with an ex who was veetoed and agreed before any of this started. As well as dating multiple other people. I got cancelled on for "work" and "need to see the guys" and once a "funeral" none of which actually happened. You ask how did I know i found out after the fact. Concert ticket reciepts. Friends asking why I hadn't been out at events, friends asking where he was when he was supposedly with them. When confronted it was passed off as oh cancelled last minute and they were nearby. But when I met a guy I liked. I followed the rules. I was honest and upfront. When I eventually started falling for him which doesn't happen me often I discussed it with him and he got vert uncomfortable and we ultimately or rather since I was timid at the time agree to be monogamous for a while. With in 2 months he was cheating on my again. Cest le vie. I have some of these happen in other relationships but not all of them. My last relationship was a long term monogamy. I am not 100 percent monogamous in the trading sense. Most rules of monogamy would say you can't look at another you can't hang out alone with the opposite sex or same if that is where your proclivities lie and other crazy rules. So though being monogamous for years might seem crazy I almost didn't notice because I had male friends that I could go out with. Hang out with alone. I could look at other people. The only way it was monogamous was that we didn't sleep with other people. And though I loved him I never really thought too much of settling down or having children. I never really had a need to have children in fact I thought I didn't want them. However in the last few years this changed. Which would have ultimately split us up because he was dead set against all that. I recently realised that not only do I love my boyfriend but that I would settle with him but would not only have but want to have children with him. I have never felt that kind of love before. I have a counsellor tell me once that though I have the capacity to love more than one person at a time that if I every find that kind of love since I am so afraid of life and love based on my childhood and previous experience she didn't think I would be able to split that kind of love. That it would consume and terrify me. It does. Do I think I can't be polyamorous anymore, I don't know. Do I think I can date someone that loves someone else as deeply as they love me or vice versa, I don't know. It worries me because I love him so much it scared me but I not willing to run away from the utter panic I feel sometimes but the thoughts of being without him physically hurt. So I trudge on in my overly stressed life. I will say this. When we talk like properly talk even when it's hard, it lifts weights off me. Its one thing saying someone is pretty and you love them but they have to feel you want them and you understand how they feel and explain what your feeling and going through. Nothing freaks me out more when someone wants to say something but doesn't know whether too or not. Obviously my past makes me a difficult person to deal with and my being upset makes me feel like I am upsetting everything around me. I want to know what you feel. I wouldn't care if I didn't get upset. The fact that I care so much makes it more difficult but I promise I am doing my best and I really hope I can do it because I don't want to be without him. I don't think I could bare it. I know this has kinda gone off in a tangent. Sometimes I have to word vomit into the void. I'll leave with this. I really hope people don't react to him different. He says he doesn't care and whether he realises himself or not it does I can tell. They will all look at me different. It happened everytime. Thoughts are usually why are you not enough. What don't you do. Etc. I have gone through this on both sides for years and though I can handle it sure aren't I used to it. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to not have to deal with any of the bullshit. I know i don't know but I am doing the best I can with what I can. Ugh. Right I need a distraction from everything. A weekend of being alone followed by a week of work and aloneness followed by more work. Proximity worries me. Long periods of alone time with my kind of brain make me anxious. I'll make one last point. IT is not the dating of another person that bothers me. It is that has happened multiple times to me before and has even happened in this relationship, the other person trying to steal them away.

Today I feel so numb. I have spoke a total of about 60 word's today and written less up until now. No one wants to talk. Everyone is busy with their lives, working etc. Couldn't tell you the last time I spoke with some of my friends. It always seems like other people's friends seem to always want to be around them. When I get forgotten about. Not mad about it just accepting the fact. Trying to function in a stressful existence.

So since my last post I left the place I felt happy for the first time all christmas. Where I felt included and actually had my company enjoyed and appreciated. Got into the car and just started crying. Drove home to work in a crazy emotional state. Had a phone call from my father who made me feel really bad for being unable to help him out of a situation he created for himself. Started getting really down. The icy, foggy road almost got the better of me with me turning a corner at 10 km an hour and the whole back end of the car swinging out and giving me the fright of my life. I got home in an awful state and for the first time in ages felt like harming myself to regain some kind of control. Though very hard to do managed to gather up all the sharp implements in my room and gave them to my house mate to hide for a few days because I didn't trust myself. Why can't things be easy. Why is it when I'm happy things have to fuck with it. Can I not just have happy. I realise I am being melodramatic but I am really feeling lost.

So since my last post I left the place I felt happy for the first time all christmas. Where I felt included and actually had my company enjoyed and appreciated. Got into the car and just started crying. Drove home to work in a crazy emotional state. Had a phone call from my father who made me feel really bad for being unable to help him out of a situation he created for himself. Started getting really down. The icy, foggy road almost got the better of me with me turning a corner at 10 km an hour and the whole back end of the car swinging out and giving me the fright of my life. I got home in an awful state and for the first time in ages felt like harming myself to regain some kind of control. Though very hard to do managed to gather up all the sharp implements in my room and gave them to my house mate to hide for a few days because I didn't trust myself. Why can't things be easy. Why is it when I'm happy things have to fuck with it. Can I not just have happy. I realise I am being melodramatic but I am really feeling lost.

That moment when you realise your partners family is better than yours. The calmness and just genuine caring that is oozing out of everyone here is incredible. Got a belated birthday present that was so me it made me so happy. My own family find the most unlike me presents. Yet people who barely know me can get it spot on. And what sucks about it is this is the first time all christmas that it has felt like christmas and I have to leave and go to work shortly. I guess that is just how it goes.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do when you want to see the person you love I'd fine the time. I have to find the time outside of working crazy shifts at night no less and since they are all over the shop it is hard to find the time to see my mister let alone my friends. Now couple that with a mister who already has a hectic work schedule and a hectic social calander when dates get forgotten or over looked it can make you feel a bit ragey. Now it is not anyone's fault specifically. Perhaps you should have made the date more clear syncing calanders is also helpful. Though beware dates can get over looked here too. So be patient. Just because they miss something or completely overlook something doesn't mean they don't care or you don't matter, they may have as simply put just missed it. If it is really important maybe put a reminder a few days before. Or personally remind them. Be patient. People forget things all the time and things that are of huge importance to you may not be as high on others agendas. People aren't mind readers if you're upset let them know but don't blame them for an oversight that may or may not have happened. A for instance if you told them about an event and they double booked don't get mad and put the foot down and say they have to go to yours, sit down and decide which is the most important. If your event was just to hang out and they are meeting a friend or have a work do or a date, they may trump your plans. It doesn't lessen your plans they are just ones that aren't as imperative. Like when a friend can't hang out because they have a date. Or you have plans or are in the midle of plans when there is an emergency, or work gets in the way or unexpected visitors. This is not the persons fault they are doing there best. If you are feeling like an after thought just let them know. Not in a demandING me or them way but rather a I haven't seen you much is everything ok or things didn't really go to plan today and that is alright I know that a, b or c happened. Just letting you know I'm a little sad about it etc. If for instance it happens a lot like the main culprits work, work is important. You really have to be patient with this one. I for one am ok with this one. Yes it can be annoying when you sit down to watch a movie and your partner gets called away for 3 hours to work or you are all out with friends and you have to watch them work while you try to have a good time. Culprit number 2. Friends. Friends can really hinder alone time. To being out and a friend has one to many and you end up minding them to them going through an emotional crisis with family etc. Culprit no 3. Family. Family is the one of the biggons. This can disrupt everything from family dinners To meeting family members to being thrown into anxiety mode from bad news to worry etc. Just know that they understand and if they don't they aren't worth it. But on the other side you have to be understanding too. JuSt because you want to spend all your spare time with them that asides from work they are 2 on your list. Like work then them, you may be further down theirs. Just because family isn't on your list dosent mean that it isn't on theirs. It might go work, family, you or even work, friends, you. There may even be multiple tiers. It's all about balance and honesty. It's ok to be emotional sometimes and it's ok to be mad. If they know you well enough they should know it when your upset or mad or feeling left out or low. It's all about perspective. Go off think about it and if you still feel the same way express it. If it changes express it. Just be honest and talk. Talking is key.

I feel like a ball of suck. Life, life just has this way of being lame. Here are a few reasons why. Being constantly reminded that people are a certain way and things will happen to make things awkward. Being told some thing is going to happen two days before your birthday. Being overly prepared for something and then having it actually happen, effecting you so much you have a massive panic attack about it and wanting to cry all the time and feeling like someone ripped out you insides, stomped all over them and set the of fire. Especially when told after it happens like it was a secret and if someone had seen could have been mean enough to tell me before I know anything about it. Not being able to talk about it to anyone because people are judgy judge fucks who judge things they have no notion about, they just go with their boxed up ideas of how things "should be" Back to the birthday, planning a combined birthday party with 2 others where you make all the food and not have either of them along with others not show and not even let you know they aren't coming. Planning another birthday thing and have a few people that said they'd be there not show up. Have a birthday dinner with family where yet again they ignore the things you can't eat and things you specifically told them not to put in ignored and them make whatever the shit they want. Have an over active brain that likes to remind you when panicking of all the things that can go wrong. Other people are prettier than you. Other people do more things than you, more elaborate things. Other people can be seen more than you. Other people are less guarded than you. Other people can be brought out because they don't freak out when people pay in fact some people prefer it when someone else pays and don't mind the crowds. People might realise you're to much work. People might realise they like other people more than you. People might care for others more. Getting images of things that make you feel hurt and uncomfortable at in opportune times. Having done the things that are happening before and them ending badly does not mean that is what is going to happen, yet asshole brain brings it all up. Dredges up those boxes and empties them everywhere. You're not good enough, you're not enough it screams over and over and all you want to do is cry and punch things and hurt yourself to make the emotional pain go away because physical pain you can control. You have lost all control. Soon to have no job. Life is in a panic. Stress and sickness is a daily thing. When you love someone so much. The big love. The settle down love. The kids love. The fear of it being ripped away is a very large fear. The fear of someone stealing it is harder. And when you've already had love ripped away and shit all over in the past when it wasn't even anywhere near that kind of love you have a tendancy to over react. I don't think you are like that, I don't assume you are going to this. The brain is an asshole. Asshole brain plus highly (though buried and guarded) emotional person do not mix. I've had love taken and I've had it stolen. I've loved more than once and more than one at a time. This is different. This is terrifing. I can't think of anything else and it is unfair to make others feel like shit. So here you go void. Here is a shit storm of horrible feelings panic and anxiety. Please take it out of me so I can go back to being loved and feeling loved and not being 2 minutes away from crying at all times. Everything makes me nervous. I have no other experience except the one I have. I have no control.

Today I feel down. I just recently found out my job will be made redundant at christmas. After the initial shock and panic attack. I am ok. I mean I am pretty lucky, a few years ago I would have been completely alone with household bills and loan repayments etc now I have a partner, housemates and I have cleared a lot of my debt. I still panic about my debts but they are a damn sight less then a few years back. Still I could use a big hug. The kind only certain people can give. Not one of those "I'm so sorry hugs" or the "I pity you hugs" but instead one of those. "I don't need to say anything because just me holding you means you know you are safe, everything is ok, I'm here" It's silly I know but as much as I hate emotions and sometimes come across as heartless even the hardest egg is fragile if you hit the right spot. I can be delicate in times of panic or anxiety. My levels have been high this week which is understandable due to stress and one of the worst 2 weeks sleeping pattern in ages. My mister is away on holidays and my regular missing him even though it is only a few days is compounded by my need for hugs. I have a friends birthday tomorrow that I am considering not going to. 1. Because I am worried to spend money. 2. I am tired. And 3. It involved driving. Not much driving but after a 4th 12 hour shift in as many days and the week that's in it I don't know if I have it in me. I'm a bit rundown though nothing a few decent nights sleep, some comfort food and a bourbon won't cure.