we're not pure of heart but we're fine of ass

the thing about self-diagnosis is that to have an official diagnosis you HAVE to self-diagnose yourself first and write down all your symptoms and then present them to the psychiatrist like you are defending it on trial otherwise if you go to psychiatrist unprepared and just say you feel miserable all the time and don't know why they will say "ummmm uhhhhh you probably have anxiety. probably just stress from your work lol"

writing a canon divergent fix-it fic while also shaking my head to show that i actually really like the canon's tragic narrative and am not trying to say i think it would be better if canon was like this

i love the word jumbotron. the most american word, beating out any sad contender the likes of “burger”. immediately you get “jumbo”, the most american size; land of the Big Gulp. “tron”, like the movie, implying some vague cybernetic concept that hints at its purpose. then you find out, oh, it’s the giant screen at football games. the thing that sometimes puts you on blast for the most mortifying 45 seconds of your life, if you are so lucky. feel like (or become) a star, however briefly. get your affair blasted on national tv. everything about the word speaks to such an american way of living. huge fan

The Reblog (2014)

Bahahahaha love this

The Unnecessary Comment (2014)

The Revival (2026)

Hmm hmm hmm. oxiclean loves her for who she is but turmeric cannot help but change her

Oxiclean wants her to never change from what they made her to be, but a white canvas is meant to be painted.

the "Turn everyone into rodents now" act, as well as its proponents, have been ratified

do you think bowser ever gets anxious after kidnapping peach again that he went too far this time and he calls mario up in the middle of the night to make sure they’re still on for tennis and gokarting next weekend

painstakingly dialing mario’s landline on a comically small telephone only for luigi to pick up instead and he has to ask him to put his brother on the phone. not that luigi isn’t part of weekend plans, but like this is really more of a mario & bowser situation and it’d be rude to drag his brother into it if there’s a problem. so anyway then luigi puts the receiver down to go get his brother and bowser sits there tapping his claws on his table and this is agony, actually, he shouldn’t have called at all, it’s late enough at his castle so it has to be even later over in the mushroom kingdom. but just as he’s about to put the phone down, mario answers all chipper—mario mario speaking, who’s-a calling? which is a ridiculous question because there’s no way luigi didn’t already tell him.—and bowser has to ask him. look, mario, i know i dangled peach in a bird cage over a pit of lava the other day, and when you showed up, i let my son throw giant flaming hammers at you, and there’s no hard feelings about that, right? and there’s a few seconds of silence before mario laughs and reassures him it’s all in the day’s work of a plumber, an explanation bowser has never thought to really question since he only knows two plumbers and it does all seem pretty in their wheelhouse. and then he’s embarrassed for worrying so much so he tries to end the call quickly, but mario just ribs him about how badly he’s going to lose the next race, and then he starts asking bowser how junior is, and does bowser want any of the leftovers since he and luigi really do cook way too much for two, be a shame to let it go to waste. and by the time bowser manages to hang up, this has gone from leftovers into him and junior and the koopalings all being invited over to the mario household for dinner, so long as they don’t park their airship on the front lawn and leave the cannons at home.