JustKillMe:)

i’m a good person i don’t deserve to be mistaken for a heterosexual

good morning! remember every day is a chance to begin anew [breaks off and sits on the edge of the bed staring blankly for 23 minutes before running a hand down face like a tortured movie protagonist] my god where did it all go so wrong

You don't like New Yawk? 🗽? Bada Bing?

no 🛩️

anotha one🛩️

i would rather see the information for an event handwritten in sharpie on a paper towel than see another AI generated flyer

straight women will try to reassure you about their homophobic boyfriends the same way dog owners are always going "oh he's friendly" with their visibly agitated dog

a boyfriend is a type of parasite that lives in a beautiful woman’s house and drains her life force

if you are a parent, or may become one, or you are otherwise likely to arrive in the situation of caring for a child while they eat, promise me this: if a child doesn't like a certain food or food group, you will ask them WHY. and specifically, you will pay attention to either confirming or ruling out "it makes my mouth itch" or "it makes my stomach hurt," both of which are medically important info that children may not provide unprompted. which i know because this PSA has been brought to you by "i spent my entire childhood and much of my early teens eating peas and lentils while wondering why everyone else liked the Violently Itchy Mouth Sensation so much, like were they a bunch of legume masochists or something, before i finally realized that Violently Itchy Mouth Sensation was in fact a sinister demon appearing only to me, and her true demonic name was: Legume Allergy"

Do not let your child suffer from spicy bananas!

never forget that hannibal made sure that the soup wasn’t going to burn will’s mouth before feeding it to him, you know the soup he seasoned specifically so he’ll taste good after sawing his head open and eating him? and they say romance is dead

A writer's relationship with their own work goes: this is genius, this is garbage, this is genius, this is garbage, i should never have been born, okay actually this line is good