𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙞𝙩 𝙚𝙣𝙙 .ᐣ

not the things i hate not the things i'm afraid of, i'm afraid of .. 

not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night .. 

i, i just think that you are what you love ..

  a study in .. everything i've ever let go of has claw marks in it . just because you are soft does not mean you are not a force , narrative haunted, you can't make homes out of human beings ..

an independent and private writing blog for fandomless original character, natalie alison quinn by abigail . due to such triggers as parental abandonment, various forms of parentification, medical content such as hospitals, trauma, surgical descriptive terms, ptsd, vehicular crashes and unhealthy coping mechanisms & other triggering content, not all content will be continually tagged, can be found on this blog. please read all information before following & interacting.

one .. carrd, two .. study, three .. playlist, four .. pinterest

she's  got  a  bundle  of  blankets  in  her  hands,  warm  and  fresh  from  the  dryer  along  with  a  pair  of  socks  that  she  may  have  stolen  from  laundry  for  her  patient,  but  the  poor  guy  was  shivering  and  shaking  and  she'd  never  been  able  to  let  something  like  that  go.  so,  she's  quick  to  sneak  into  his  room  and  offer  the  bundle  to  his  boyfriend  who  started  to  bundle  him  up  and  something  about  that  scene  made  her  heart  catch  in  her  throat  enough  that  she  quietly  excused  herself.  it  was  a  call  of  her  name  that  drew  her  attention  away  from  the  room  and  she  offered  up  a  smile  for  dr.  sloan, 

“  dr.  sloan  !  i  was  just-  “  a  sigh  escaped  her  and  she  motioned  to  the  room,  ”  i  was  completely  stealing  blankets  and  socks  for  a  patient  and  later,  i'm  probably  going  to  sneak  him  and  his  boyfriend  coffee  from  the  lounge  because  the  hospital  coffee  is  garbage  ..  and  normally  this  is  where  i  would  apologize,  but  i'm  not  apologizing  for  taking  care  of  my  patients.  " 

a  groan  escapes  her  the  wind  swirls  around  her  once  more,  cutting  through  the  somewhat  thin  fabric  of  her  sweatshirt  and  she  bounces  up  and  down  in  her  pink  sneakers.  she  hates  the  cold,  because  all  it  does  is  remind  her  of  benny's  hand  in  hers,  the  chill  of  his  fingers  that  she  kept  trying  to  soothe  in  vain  and  now  its  freezing  and  she's  suffocating  under  the  weight  of  it  and  she  needs  to  go  go  go  ..  she  doesn't  even  look  at  where  she's  going  just  that  she  needs  to  move  and  she  runs  smack  into  someone's  chest,  practically  bouncing  off  of  them, 

“  fuck,  ”  she  rarely  swears,  but  it  slips  out  of  course  in  front  of  a  stranger  that  she  just  barrelled  into,  “  i'm  sorry,  i  wasn't  looking.  are  you  okay  ?  ” 

walking  along  besides  her  friend,  natalie  takes  a  long  drink  of  her  coffee  with  a  grateful  sigh.  it  was  a  long  night  shift,  which  is  why  she's  currently  grateful  for  the  lovely  nap  she  had  after  shift  and  the  glorious  coffee  in  her  hands  ..  and  mostly,  for  serena  for  letting  her  reschedule  twice  when  work  emergencies  came  up  and  kept  coming  up. 

“  so,  it's  been  too  long  since  i've  actually  been  able  to  see  you  outside  of  facetime,  what's  new  with  serena  ?  what's  our  game  plan  today  ?  and  if  those  plans  involve  more  coffee  and  possibly  food  i'll  love  you  even  more.  ” 

natalie wishes they would just stop; with empty apologies and doubtfully concerned words .. she can still remember two sets of flowers appearing by her bedside with two plain cards .. she can still remember nearly tearing her stitches as she hurled them across the room. it's one of the first times she's really given up on them the way they pretty much gave up on her since she was small and now that she was grown she was just supposed to forgive them ? forget all the missed events, the lonely and scared nights, the days filled with silence with every tv on to fill it .. it's a childish thought but .. it's not fair.

they keep calling and calling and calling and at this point she's ready to throw her phone against the wall. instead, like a child she finds herself hiding in a storage room begging her phone to stop buzzing for it to please stop buzzing. she's got her forehead pressed against her knees so she doesn't see who's opened the door and so natalie pulls her head up, wiping her eyes and pretending she's fine .. but jack is haloed by the too bright lights of the pitt and she can't help the tears that flood her eyes once more.

i hope that's okay with you kiddos, if not that's okay and you're welcome to unfollow, i promise <3

natalie thought she was okay with all the things she missed out on during childhood; a place she could crawl into during nightmares, hugs freely given, i love yous and i love yous and casual hugs, kisses on the top of her head .. she thought she had been fine with it until she had met jack and all the things she thought she was okay with missing cracked open and ached for it all.

even now, when she's just sitting against his side in the early dawn, the remnants of benny's voice haunting her, pleading with her .. one moment she had been on the phone desperate with tears caught in her voice and the next jack was there opening the door with the key she had shyly given him a while ago.

now, they were sitting side by side and she couldn't stop the tears or the apologies tumbling from her lips over and over, a arm wrapped around her and a soft kiss was pressed to the top of her, assurances and comforting murmurs drowning out her words, an i love you, sweet pea as she tucked her head against his shoulder,

" love you too, "