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me when i gotta help my secretive friends

Protesters in Atlanta singing “ Move trump Get out the way ” an iconic moment in American history

Bard: Well I just started making fun of a goblin one time and he just like died and it was the weirdest crap ever

i still have hella VHS tapes. no one even cares, i should just throw them in the trash. 

i literally have like 200 copies of Forrest Gump on VHS

and she was like “90s, relax, having that many VHS tapes is kind of sketch but I’d never tell you to get rid of them.”.. then one night we were in my room watching Game of Thrones on HBOGo, and we start making out until shes like “90s I can’t do anything in here, the VHS tapes sketch me out.” and I was like “Are u serious?” and she was all “Dead serious.” and I was like “Like 2 girls on tumblr have said they’d want me to fuck them on top of a pile of Forrest Gump VHS tapes, like you should be so turned on.” and she was all “90s this is real life not your tumblr ask box, literally no one in the world would want to be fucked on top of a pile of Forrest Gump VHS tapes.” and I was like “I don’t want to fuck on top of Forrest Gump tapes anyway, like do you feel this mattress right now, its like a Serta, its so comfortable. This is a premium deluxe mattress.” 

I walk into the bank with an open laptop and tell them to give me all the money in the vault, or else I edit Bill Murray’s Wikipedia page. 12 SWAT guys come in and shoot me in the nuts when I ask the teller what the WiFi password is

sHIT

SUN- you have a strong will and determination,but very little fulfillment in life. MOON - you possess good instincts and great tenacity, but you’re never quite sure what it is you want out of life. MERCURY - you are sociable and eager to please, but you are self-conscious and constantly aware of the impression you are making of other people. VENUS - you posses an unflagging optimism and hopefulness, but you have childish impatience and are extremely vulnerable emotionally. MARS - you possess great perseverance and endurance, but you usually find yourself in a rut ,stuck in the same old dead-end situations. JUPITER - you are enthusiastic and “leader without followers”,but you have vaguely patronizing or condescending air about you - or the sense that you are humoring or indulging other people. SATURN - you are gentle, sensitive, and aware, but you tend to find life unresponsive and indifferent to you. you are always self-conscious of yourself as an actor in the drama of life. URANUS - you are extraordinarily exacting expecially of yourself, you are a scrapper with clearly defined goals in life, but your dogmatism and bluntness in speaking your mind often antagonize and repel others, even when you’re basically right. NEPTUNE - you are easy-going and free-spirited, you are a dreamer with you own private world, but it can be hard to pull you down off your cloud when an emotional commitment is called for. PLUTO - you possess great intensity and ardor. You are endowed with a penetrating intellect, but life is always trying to dominate you or grind you down.