Dead inside

How do I explain to someone that living is hard? that waking up in the morning is hard? that breathing is hard and eating is hard and not killing myself is hard.  I hold on to only one thing that i’m good at - getting good grades. Thats the indication of success, right? That’s how people know you are worth something, right?

And then even this is not enough. I get lectured. I get lectured by a best friend. “I don’t see why you are not doing anything? Get a part-time job, an internship, do something! Otherwise you are nothing, look at all those people better than you. You have potential but you don’t DO anything. You are going to end up a failure.”

Failure failure failure failure.

The words that stick in my head. The words I tell myself every single day. Not pretty enough to deserve love, not skinny enough to have an eating disorder, not smart enough, not enough not enough not enough not enough.

But how do I say that yours ‘not doing anything’ is draining all my energy. Fighting my demons is exhausting, always counting calories is exhausting, thinking of the scale next morning is exhausting, not cutting myself is exhausting, lot letting the voices in my head to get too loud is exhausting. I guess I just fail at life. But yours ‘doing nothing, just living’ is so fucking hard.

I always have good grades because I find studying to be a distraction from my demons. I have to shush them every now and then while it looks like i’m just reading a textbook.

And then “you just study. you don’t do anything. you are nobody. do something. look at people doing it, why don’t you do it?”

I wish I was those people, for whom going through the day is not a job on it’s own. Who never had a thought of turning their skin red by gliding a metal razor across it. Who don’t have their death date planned for already so many years.

But, as you take away the last thing i hold on to to pretend i can be a part of society, all thats left is a failure.