dontdeafopeninside

As the year draws to a close, I wanted to take a moment to reflect, share some updates, and wish you all the very best for the holidays.

The game I'm creating is coming along steadily, and so is the Dwarvish Dictionary project. Both are massive undertakings, but I’m enjoying every bit of the journey—even when the to-do list feels as long as a dwarf's beard! Your enthusiasm and support keep me motivated. I hope to share some pictures of the game as we get closer to some basic form in 2025 (or at the very least I'll post a regular update). Sadly, streaming is off my calendar for now, as you know. While I miss hanging out live with you all, stepping back has helped me manage my stress levels, which are now much better. Coupled with a lot of hard work at my regular job, my days have been pretty full!

On a positive note, I’m happy to share that I’ve made some significant progress health-wise—I’ve lost 35 kg (that’s about 77 pounds!) by changing my life/eating habits and feel better than I have in years. 🎉 On the flip side, my wife’s health hasn’t been the best this past year. We’re taking it one day at a time, and I do my best to support her and keep our little ship afloat. Despite the challenges, we’re managing and grateful for the moments of joy we share.

I won't lie, financially, it’s been a bit tough keeping the site and projects running, especially without the extra income from streaming, but we’re getting by and the site and projects will march on for now. It’s all worth it to keep these projects alive and thriving imo. Through it all, I remain hopeful. The warmth of this community and the regular chats reminds me that even in the toughest times, there’s always something to be thankful for.

On a very specific note for Tumblr users, I have a very lengthy queue that I will be tackling in the months to come. Thanks for your patience, but rest assured, help is on its way!

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a joyful New Year! May your days be filled with love, laughter, and maybe a little gaming on the side. Thank you all for being the incredible people you are—it really means the world to me.

Here’s to brighter days and more adventures together in the year ahead!

With lots of festive cheer, Roy The Dwarrow Scholar

At times, I envy those that are able to forget

Forget the pain or torment they have caused

To wake up without remembrance of the nails they have driven in other’s coffins

Many days have I tried

But no chemical is enough to change my mind enough to make them fade away

My mind is like a whiteboard covered in permanent marker

No matter how much substance I try to scrub them off with the remnants are still there

I callous my hands and I try to overwrite them

But I always see them

They stare at me everyday in the form of memories

They look directly into my eyes as if they know I cannot look away

They know that whenever I see my face

I see what that face has done

My reflection a reflection of my past

Haunting and consuming me

They are free

But I am not

For my mind chains me to the person I was taught I should be

Who I thought I should be

But is it who I ought to be?

I want to be free

But cannot

I am a madman scribbling on the walls of my cell

I am a prisoner in a prison I built myself

I am pushing the boulder up the hill

As my reflection stares at me while it pushes it down

I am crushed over and over again by the weight of torment

That is not who I am

But is it possible to know if I kid myself?

That cannot be me

Layers upon layers of illegible marker covers these walls

I try to find purpose and meaning of any part of it

But the words grow eyes

They stare at me in judgement

I know what they mean by “the word is God”

For the words do not let me forget

They do not want me to become who I was

God is a writer and my story is not over yet

Maybe I just need to highlight some parts

Maybe I just need to rearrange some letters

Maybe I just need to believe the answers are there

Amongst the pain that I have been caused

And the pain that I have caused

There has to be more to what I have written so far

There has to be more to why I cannot erase this madness

There has to be more to the being that stares back at me

Their face exhausted and depleted

Begging me to just let the boulder crush me one more time

And even if I might

I rewrite

There is a bliss to pain

When pain is understood

It would be difficult to know the wrong

If you only focus on the good

The words would have no meaning

The memories would fade away

There would be no present