𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 // 𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆

( michiel huisman + cis male ) — have you seen dominic kuiper? this forty two year old is an emergency room surgeon who resides in manhattan. he has been living in nyc for four years, and is known to be observant and driven, but can also be disconnected and cold, if you cross them. people tend to associate them with dog tags and an adrenaline rush. @codstarters​

triggers for military, car accident

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫:  open. @codstarters​

𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧:  the  train.

Public  transportation  wasn’t  exactly  Meadow’s  thing.  Then  again,  she  couldn’t  think  of  a  single  person  who  could  say  with  pride  that  overused  and  under  sanitized  modes  of  transit  was  in  fact  their  niche.  The  blonde  was  lucky  enough  to  have  a  car  in  this  city  if  you  removed  the  ever  present  beeping  of  taxi  horns  out  of  the  equation.  But  with  her  car  in  the  shop,  she  was  left  taking  the  last  train  of  the  night  back  home  from  the  office.  It  was  surprising  vacant  in  the  most  charming  way  it  could  be.  Her  body  sat  relaxed  on  the  seat,  skin-toned  tights  running  up  her  toned  calves  with  legs  crossed  over  one  another  with  poise.  Her  nose  was  tucked  in  paperwork.  Not  because  she  was  necessarily  busy  at  this  hour  but  rather  to  avoid  conversation  with  the  one  last  person  on  the  car.  But,  things  could  never  be  that  simple  for  Meadow.  The  lights  flickered  overhead,  a  roaring  screech  audible  as  the  train  comes  to  a  barreling  stop.  The  two  patrons  left  in  the  dark,  Meadow  grumbled  a  sigh  as  she  flicked  on  her  phone’s  flashlight.  "You  a'ight?“  Jersey  accent  thick  as  she  shuffles  over  to  the  other  person.  Their  features  are  unknown  to  her  in  the  darkened  car.  "I  swear  this  happens  every time  I  take  the  subway.  I  might  be  a  bad  luck  charm.  Next  time,  I’m  taking  a  taxi.  Or  better  yet  a  pedicab.  Worst  that  can  happen  in  that  case  is  the  bike  gets  a  flat.”  Meadow  settles  down  beside  the  other  person  uninvitedly  as  equally  willing  to  acclimate  as  she  is  complain.  "Looks  like  we’re  gon’  be  stuck  here  for  a  while.  You  got  a  deck  of  cards  on  you?  Or  like  -  Tetris  on  your  phone?“

-

      dom was more than used to public transportation. his morning routine was almost always the same: wake up, brew coffee, work out to the news, shower, bike to grand central, ride in to work. repeat ad infinitum every day that he had a shift in the er, day or night (though if he had to choose he preferred day if only because he at least got to see some of the sun). finding a seat on the busy subway wasn’t his biggest struggle - on the worst of days he simply plugged earphones in and tuned the world out, kept his limbs in an imaginary boundary, and rode it out. the car was mostly empty, save for one other patron that he merely took note of and filed away in the back of his mind, as dom filled a seat by the window and began preparations for his journey. though the motions were cut short by the harsh squeal of the brakes, frustration made itself known on his features as the car was plunged into absolute dark, and immediately he dove for his phone in his own pocket. but the shine on his face had him squinting, and as his digits scrolled across the text message (a quick will be late, subway stopped) he nodded. “ yeah, fine. you? ”

A deep chuckle left Devon’s lips as Dominic’s words mirrored the thoughts in his head. In a way, he felt bad for the poor kid that was just trying to keep up with the rest of the Ne York City crowd, but if there was anything you needed to survive the busy streets, it was a tough skin. What better way to develop that than catching Dev and Dom on a night out.

“That’ll do the trick. You’ll be stumbling around Washington Square Park like every other kid that’s on their own for the first time,” Devon continued, hammering the final nail in the coffin. He then lifted his own drink to his lips, a whiskey just like Dominics, and turned to his friend. “Remember being his age?” He questioned, a smirk dimpling his cheeks. “I thought I was grown, but even then I knew what not to order to be taken seriously.”

-

      “ i’m kind of tempted to go the caribou lou route. i’ve got the next two days off and i’ve been bored out of my ass. might as well black out and have an adventure, right? ” though he made no motions to actually order the drink in question. it had been a great many moons since dom allowed himself to get that trashed and he wasn’t the young man he used to be ---it just didn’t seem worth the suffering headache. but the young man didn’t need to know that. so he sipped at his drink and shot a grin at devon from his perch at the bar.

      “ when i was his age i was trying not to get my balls shot off while plugging holes in my idiot company. it’s kind of an unfair comparison for me to remember what it was like twenty years ago, versus the ny school of the arts man-bun whose debating if he wants to go for the appletini or the independently brewed lager he heard about from his hipster pals. or am i a little too on the nose? ” his grin was smug, a mischievous glimmer in his eye before he snorted back to devon. “ i still don’t think i’m grown. does that count? ” 

Nothing was ever certain. Alice had learned that time and again and even now, she knew seconds could slip through her fingers like sand. Moments were but a vapor. And lives could be lost in the blink of an eye. She wondered why Dominic had come; she was almost morbidly curious to know if his ire, his anger towards her was so strong he had to make sure she knew. Make sure she saw the hardened look in his eyes. The way that conversation slipped easily past his lips, polite tone never transforming the distant look in blue eyes. She’d thought of those eyes before, hadn’t she? She’d looked at them for a beat too long, had drawn her own gaze across his fave when she thought he wasn’t looking –– and now it didn’t matter.

None of the hesitation or broken moments meant anything anymore. It had all vanished in a gust of wind. Any familiarity, anything that could be misconstrued as possible affection or attraction a ghost. She shifted from one foot to the other, not because she was uncomfortable (she didn’t wear heels for performances – quite unpractical) but she was restless. Wasn’t sure what they were doing. Or why she’d invited the Kuipers apart from the fact that she’d played one of Nora’s favorite movements and thought there was something almost full circle about it. Except the circle could never quite close, not with her gone. 

“I imagine being a paramedic would be quite the rush too, but…you’re probably doing more good where you’re at.” Taking a sip of her drink, clear liquid swirling in the glass, she tipped her head to the side, that stubborn strand of hair coming loose again. But this time she left it, knowing that if she began fidgeting again, she wouldn’t be able to stop. “Jesus, I could never. Owen’s tried to get me to go but I swear I’d piss myself before evening getting up there. I suppose it’s less scary when you’ve done it…how many times now?” She had so many questions that went beyond this one. Ones that weren’t nearly so shallow…so safe. There’d always been a way she could talk to Dominic, a way they could spend a day in each other’s company and never have to skirt around much beyond the one thing Alice could never quite bring herself to admit. Now? It was like she was running in circles, avoiding land mines, avoiding the question she wanted to ask but had no right to. How are you really? 

So she bit her lip, nodding. He’d come home because his parents were grieving and he was a good son. A good brother. Nora had adored him. And she knew that he’d loved his sister. “It is. He’s definitely the more sociable of the two of us. My tab’s certainly doubled since he’s moved here.” She was usually content to spend her evenings off rehearsing or walking the city, her own thoughts as company. But her brother got her out, got her to enjoy the city and sometimes, Alice could swear Nora was there on an especially rowdy night. That her best friend was laughing with her, cheering with the rest of the bar alongside her.  “Yes, well, that makes sense. She just likes to nettle me, I guess it’s worked,” she smiled slightly. “She conveniently remembers the time difference if there’s a performance coming up. Funny how that works.” Alice glanced around them, keen eyes taking in the Linc before shrugging, “it is..never quite the same as playing at home but…it’s been good for me, I think.” Despite feeling sub-par to how she used to play, and despite the ache that seemed an increasingly constant companion –– it was a relief that she had this. If she didn’t, Alice didn’t know what she’d do.

“Thank you. I like working with others more than I thought I would,” Alice let out a small, dry laugh. She’d been used to working alone, performing alone or on special retainer at a venue but this had been good for her. She didn’t feel as alone. Except, right now,  the venue or her performance didn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Standing opposite Dominic Kuiper had her feeling as lonely as ever, as removed as she’d ever been and she couldn’t help but sigh. “I…” I’m sorry. No. That would be an insult. An affront. Another apology that carried no weight. “I’m glad you could make it. I wasn’t…I didn’t think you would come…” So I didn’t invite you. It wasn’t a slight. Just a fear.  But his presence told her as much as his absence would’ve –– he still hadn’t forgiven her. And she doubted he would. 

-

      he’d had quite a few near-misses throughout his life: with death, with relationships, with work opportunities, with small things in his day-to-day life that didn’t seem to much matter in the long run. alice had always been a near-miss, though it was more his fault than anything else. dom wasn’t a man of inaction ---he so often worked without thought, applied himself to a want or desire an attained it just as easily, operating so flawlessly on his id that it was a wonder he didn’t find himself in trouble more often than not for those desires. it wasn’t that she seemed out of reach, wasn’t that there was hesitation there for anything other than the connection she bore ---she was nora’s best friend. something of a sister to his sister, and despite the softer feelings he had for alice, he’d never moved.

      but grief had easily dimmed anything that seemed worth pursuing, made him throw his whole mind and heart into work where he desperately craved the danger of his former life. there was no threat to himself at the hospital, just his patients, and dom would be damned if he put them into danger for the rush of it. the echoes of former feelings still existed, buried somewhere deep in the ache of his heart where all he could see or think of was nora whenever he looked at alice for too long. he could tell himself over and over that the accident wasn’t her fault - and he knew it wasn’t, but pushing the blame onto someone tangible made it all the easier to swallow the hurt. or rather, it made it easier to lay blind in his anger where grief existed solely and wholly all at once. even now through his politesse dom could feel his temper flaring and he was thankful that he had always been a patient man.

      “ i’d tell you it’s about doing good, but i’d be lying. i basically got a free education from the military. i’m good at what i do, it’s the logical step. but it’s not my passion. ” not the way it had been before, when he was actively in the field. this just filled time until he punched his own ticket, eventually. or retired, whichever karma and fate had first for him. “ more times than i care to count back on. i think it helps that i’ve never been afraid of heights or falling. but it’s more the ... going into the unknown that i enjoyed. ” there was danger in every aspect of it and dom thrived in that. back in the states, as a civilian, everything seemed so dulled. or perhaps it was his nihilistic outlook after nora’s passing: nothing mattered, and it wouldn’t matter again. “ sometimes i remind myself that i’m back here. readjusting wasn’t easy. i keep expecting ... something to happen. but it’s just ... the same every day. ”

      and perhaps some people craved that stability, but dom found himself feeling out of practice. as if sitting too idle on his hands, or just occupying time working the hours he did, doing what he did. but it kept his mind off of the anger, and that was important. “ well, they say practice makes perfect, though i know you’ve heard that more times than you care to admit. i suppose you can consider yourself lucky that you made your life’s work something you’re passionate about. most people just ... flicker through life grasping at straws for the prospect of it. or the dream dies early. your resume is impressive. ” the small talk was hard. it felt wrong to speak to someone he knew better than this as if he didn’t know them at all, but the tightness in his chest forbade anything more. he wasn’t sure he wanted to say the things that rested so fully on the tip of his tongue ... and this was not the place for them, anyway. the acoustics were too good even in the foyer of the concert hall (packed as it was) for shouting, and their business was their own.

      dom heard his parents chuckle among themselves behind alice and his attention snapped to them as a reprieve. how could they seem so happy? was he the only one who was miserable?  surely not, and he wasn’t so foolish as to believe it, but he wasn’t so good at pretending either. he sighed at the last of her thoughts, then swallowed another mouthful of whiskey. “ i wasn’t planning on it. my mother has an incredible talent of guilting me into things. she uh, set an ultimatum: either i came to the concert or she fixed me up on a blind date with the daughter of one of her book club buddies. i opted for the solo music experience. ”

She chewed the inside of her cheek and nodded, “thanks…I’m glad your parents could make it.” No I’m glad you came too. They hadn’t spoken in years but it felt like lifetimes since she’d seen him. She was grateful that New York had given her this much time without running into Dominic, without feeling the twist in her stomach at the sight of him. “Wow, four…I take it you like it then? I bet it’s rather busy. Emergency, right?” His training would’ve had him in many medical fields but he’d always been so even keeled, so balanced, that it didn’t surprise her. She looked over at his parents, somehow already engaged in deep conversation with the bartender and couldn’t help the ghost of a smile cross her lips at his mother’s mannerisms, the way she spoke with her hands. She knew where Nora had gotten it from.

“People really don’t have anything else to be bothered about, do they? When we’ve gotten to the point where a doctor helping others is considered selfish.” And though she didn’t think that was why he’d done it, she did know why he’d come home to New York. His parents, strong though they were, had just lost a child. Being so far from their remaining one must’ve been hard. Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, Alice moved closer to the bar, still a bit away from the Kuiper’ who’d seemed to have entrapped the one bartender, leaving another to tend to them at this end. “I’ll have a gin and tonic, please, and a whiskey neat,” which she thought she could recall was his usual, “Also, I’ll take care of theirs too,” Alice tipped her head in the direction of Annmarie and Richard before shifting to lean against the bar, nodding at his statement.

“I’d like to think so….moved to the city about two years ago, give or take. I can hardly keep track.” Time after the accident seemed to move differently. Some days flew by and others lingered. “I’ve always loved being here,” though even a city as big as New York felt emptier without Nora in it, “and there was an open chair so I thought I’d give it a go.” She’d needed to audition after being off the concert circuit for as long as she’d been. Physical therapy and extensive practice had rendered her capable of making the cut, but just barely. She knew it had been a closer margin than it would’ve been before. 

“Sean’s just moved here too,” she brightened at that, having missed her twin terribly when she moved, “mum blames me, was completely gutted when he made the decision. But as long as Alastair stays in London, and the twins, she’ll be happy.” Her eldest brother had been living abroad with his wife and kids already, so their mother was used to it. “She’s still calling me at half past three in the morning, though. Says she can’t be bothered to check the time difference. I think it’s her way of saying she misses me.” A small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth at the thought, and she took the drinks served and proffering his, “cheers?” To having a conversation for more than a minute. 

-

      fingers scrubbed at his beard line - a habit he’d formed somewhere in his youth and never dropped, like so many others. it was a challenge to hold his gaze onto alice, to not let the disappointment and hurt eke onto his features, but dom was better at holding himself together than he gave himself credit for. he didn’t cry at nora’s funeral. the admission of emotion came in his own private time ---a lesson learned from time in the service. and it was days like these where he missed the action, the adrenaline and uncertainty that came with each of his tours overseas. staring the enemy in the face was so much easier than dealing with is own guilt, with his grief, and how easily it displaced itself onto someone else. alice was innocent in this, dom knew it, but he couldn’t let it go, not yet.

      and perhaps that’s what made it easier to swallow their almost moments. perhaps that was what made it so difficult for him to keep watch of her and how she spoke, the shape of her lips and the brightness of her eyes. small details he’d always noticed about her but kept quiet, to himself, for the sake of being appropriate. she was his younger sister’s closest friend and fleeting emotions were always stifled down as soon as he went back to his job. nothing would ever be his one true love the way the job had. nothing would ever replace the need for his blood to thrum so loud in his ears he couldn’t hear anything else. and how many times that had almost cost him his life ... thoughts he’d never share with parents who were holding together the loss of their youngest child and only daughter so much better than dom was handling the loss of that same sister. he was quite selfish.

      “ it’s something to do. i considered being a paramedic, but it would be a downgrade from my education. emergency room is the closest i can get to that rush. admittedly i also like to go sky-diving when time permits so what i can’t get as a fix with work i chase in my free time. ” dom would never look a gift horse in the mouth: too many of his fellow soldiers came home to no job opportunities at all, just the horrors of what they’d seen and lived through. he just decompressed differently ---got lucky with his technical skills. “ it’s not the regular people you worry about that judge you for being too altruistic with your line of work. it’s other doctors - and yourself. i love what i do, and i love what i did with doctors without borders, but it was time to come home. ” for nora. but his mouth couldn’t even handle the taste of her name.

      when alice stepped toward the bar to order their drinks he downed his champagne in one go, set the flute onto the counter and nodded in silent confirmation for the choice in drink. a vice. when the alice offered the whiskey he lifted it by the rim, toasted to alice at the suggestion, and swallowed a mouthful. the burn was a welcome distraction. “ nice to have sean here, then. ” he remembered the details of her family - one of the many times he’d visited with his family or just so see nora, meeting the rest of the o’shea clan. the time he’d taken alice to the museums, to fill spare time. gaze shifted down from her, to the glass in his hand, and dom cleared his throat. “ when i was at base i did the same thing to my mother. but it was a little more excusable, considering i got limited time to reach out and assure her that i hadn’t gone missing. ” or worse. always with the promise that he’d call again when he could. and he always did.

      “ it must be nice to play again, though. the philharmonic suits you. ”

She wasn’t forgiven. Alice could tell just by the look on his face. The terse way he said her name. Maybe she preferred it that way. Someone blaming her. She blamed herself enough that having the external validation of Dominic still holding her responsible felt…right? Or balanced. Like it made sense because nothing else did. She could remember waking up in that hospital room, could remember the pain shooting through her body, and she could remember the moment she knew that Nora was gone. Just like that. Everyone had said it wasn’t her fault. Bad timing. Bad luck. Drunk driver. Nothing you could’ve done. Meaningless words. Salt in the wound whenever anyone said it because Alice knew that wasn’t true. She knew it was her fault. Perhaps blaming herself made it easier to move through her days now. That she wasn’t walking around guilt free, while Nora wasn’t around anymore, felt right. It felt like the biggest insult to her best friend’s life and death would’ve been for Alice to move on. For her to absolve herself. 

So the fact that Dominic looked at her as he did, the distance in his eyes rendering them oceans apart, it made Alice feel normal, twisted though it may have been. Made her feel sane in her grief, in her self-hate and blame. She’d always dreamed, hoped, maybe, that one day Dominic would look at her with something other than friendly regard, brotherly affection for his little sister’s best friend. There’d been a time, shortly before everything had come crashing down like debris, when she’d thought it might’ve happened – when hands brushed and gazes lingered like morning dew, crystalline and almost imperceptible unless one looked closely. 

She’d always wanted there to be something else, something more there and now there was. Disdain. Blame. She could’ve laughed at the irony. Instead she glanced at the Kuipers and then at Dominic and then at the bar and huffed a laugh, strained in her throat but present all the same. “I hope you enjoyed the performances tonight.” Said with a smile plastered on. She hadn’t exactly extended the invitation to him but only because she didn’t think he’d come. Thankfully, she hadn’t been the only one playing or it would’ve been painfully self-aggrandizing. “Can I get you all a round then?” She noted Dominic’s glass but figured it was polite to offer to all, rather than just to his parents who were talking about the performance, already trying to get the attention of the bartender, which she took as a resounding yes. Clearing her throat, she cast a glance back in his direction, the air uncomfortably thick, “your mum mentioned you’re at Manhattan General?” It somehow seemed safer than asking how he was. 

-

      “ it was lovely. ” and it was, despite how he felt in general it would be an insult to suggest that the performance was pitiable just because of his mood. dom offered a short nod in turn, then swallowed another mouthful of his drink to keep from cutting the answer with anything more biting than his withering glare. even then ---he reigned it back to a smile he knew wouldn’t meet his eyes, just so he wouldn’t have to hear the chiding of his parents as they left the hall all together in a short while. and the concept of a 42 year old man being scolded by his parents was comical, or would be if it didn’t ring true so many times before. he’d have preferred something stronger than champagne but it seemed appropriate for the event - for a sister who always joked she liked the way it tasted and that it made her feel important.

      “ i am. for the past four years. ” until he was called back to active duty - always a possibility, or something else needed him. “ figured i owed it to my parents to be within arm’s reach after ditching for almost twenty years. doctor’s without borders will always be there, and the auto ego-stroking can only get you so far when people ask what you’ve been doing and you tell them you spend your time volunteering in a military medical relief effort for third world countries. at some point it stops sounding impressive and just sounds pretentious. ” though both of them would understand he did it for the right reasons and not the bragging rights. as proud as dom could be, it never extended so wholly into his work.

      eyes shifted to his parents, who had made their way closer to the bar but still mostly out of earshot. they knew better than to stand too close, but knew all the same that they wanted alice and dom to speak - that he’d been avoiding all things that had to do with nora since the funeral (who really got over being a pallbearer at their baby sister’s funeral?). once more his tongue wet his lips and he sighed, finally lending his attention to alice in earnest. “ it’s not active duty, but it works. obviously you’re doing well-enough for yourself. ”

Alice hadn’t expected the Kuipers to come to the concert tonight. It had been the first time she’d reached out since…well..since then and she wasn’t sure why she’d felt compelled to but she had. Maybe it was because Chopin had been one of Nora’s favorites whenever Alice played for her, and maybe she wanted to extend an olive branch of sorts, after years of avoidance. Either way, she’d been surprised to see Annmarie and Richard backstage, a bouquet of flowers in hand. They were as warm as they’d ever been and it took all her self-control not to burst into tears and throw her arms around them, pleading for forgiveness. For absolution. She knew they’d give it. Knew they’d tell her what they had years ago. But she couldn’t bring herself to ask. They’d been walking towards the exit, or at least she thought they’d been, when they turned towards the bar and Alice stopped short. They hadn’t mentioned he was here. Still, she plastered on a smile, doing her best to hide her surprise at the sight of him and gave a haphazard wave. “Hey Dom.” @dominickuiper​

-

      he was good with loss - learned how to cope appropriately some time during his many years of service with the knowledge that not everyone could be saved. but it was different under high pressure, somewhere that he knew, in in the back of his mind, that his comrades had signed up for the potential danger. there was nothing about driving that should have been dangerous. sure, more people died in car accidents than on planes, but buckling a seat belt didn’t mean you signed a contract acknowledging you understood that it could be your time. it just wasn’t right. the loss of nora was sore still, like an infected wound that repeatedly tried to scab over, only to burst and seep whenever something brushed against it even remotely. it had taken a lot for his parents to talk him into attending the concert (and really, he found it somewhat insulting that there was a concert for nora in the first place) so the logical step was to hit the bar afterward. dom passed on going back stage and congratulating the person who’d played ---in his mind she was just as guilty as the driver who’d hit the car though he knew it wasn’t alice’s fault at all ---but dom couldn’t be convinced. he wasn’t ready, yet. stuck on anger in the stages of grief, it was easier to be miserable and pin the blame on the faultless rather than face the entire cycle and accept that his sister was gone, just like that.

      because in what world did it make sense that a man who’d actually literally signed a contract stating that his life could be forfeit by simply doing his job got to live when a young woman just driving somewhere died? by the time his parents had reappeared he was a glass of champagne in, tongue wetting his lips in anticipation for the conversation he knew would come about how good alice looked. good for her. but when she appeared he felt his stomach churn and no amount of swallowed bubbly could quell the nerves that pinched at his temples. “ hello, alice. ” tight-lipped, trite, the forced politesse of a man who had perfected a certain bedside manner. he could play nice for all of five minutes before he excused himself.

“A rum and coke? C’mon. I thought you’d do better than that,” Devon taunted, leaning over to speak to the person sitting next to them at the bar. “In my experience, college kids who rely on fakes are the only people that rink that. Get somethin’ else like an Amaretto Sour. The Lychee Martini is good too, unless that’s too out there for you.” The Chef nodded in thanks as the bartender set a glass of dark liquor before him. It had been a long night of searing steaks, roasting chicken and making sure every dish that left his kitchen’s window was perfect. One glass surely wasn’t enough to coax his tense and tired muscles to relax, but it was a start. “Just don’t get a damn rum and coke.” @codstarters​

-

      “ that’s not even the right college experience, either. ” dom chimed in, teasing at whoever devon was ribbing into. lips pursed into a small grin, his fingers wrapped around his own drink (just a whiskey, nothing else), and he chuckled softly to himself. he didn’t know jack shit about the college experience ---but nobody being teased here needed that information. he’d skipped right over college and jumped straight into military education systems. it was neither here nor there. “ get a caribou lou. live the real college experience. black out. get your stomach pumped. forget the past 48 hours after two sips. ”

the apartment of dr. kuiper.