it's the first week of October when you finally take your long-anticipated break. you've been working nonstop throughout September, six days a week so you can justify taking any kind of break (you and Moss didn't make the rest of us show up, but i showed up at least one weekend). the next break after this weekend won't be until the end of November, when you'll almost be done anyway. Thanksgiving isn't exactly something you're looking forward to, so after a ton of discussion you and Moss decided on one week off at the beginning of October. you'll get to talk about whether you're keeping Leo and Lily on for the rest of the job, and you'll spend the week with your respective partners just resting and getting ready for the next two months of work.
nobody aside from Moss and i much liked your work ethic that September, missing so many things on those Saturdays you just kept working. you missed two of Sarah's parties, one when the job had just started and the other at the end of September. you're technically there, insofar as you are in the house, but you ignore everyone both times, taking a quick shower and going directly to bed with earplugs in so you can get enough sleep to get up the next day and do it again. Lena hates those nights the most, without you even there at those parties that still kind of terrify her. Sarah stays close, but it's not the same.
there's a thread of concern that runs through Lena's heart that whole time, over what you're going through. she's poked and prodded a few times, but you're so tired and distant when you come home that she doesn't want to make it worse by making you confront the plurality of it all. the at least two others she's met but hasn't been introduced to, the anger and the flinch. desperately, she wants to know them as more than that. she can see it in your eyes, see all that you could be, but with things as they are, a busy August and a busier September, she doesn't have the chance.
Lena and Sarah spend a lot of time together, though. on normal days Sarah always gets home long before you, your 10+ hour days and frequent crashes right after work giving them ample time. Lena really likes Sarah, at the end of the day. maybe even loves her a little bit. in her frequent daydreams about the future, Sarah is almost always there in one way or another. she's not sure yet how exclusive what she has with you is on her end, though. every time she sits with Sarah, she thinks about that.
she also thinks about it those couple weekends that i don't show up at work because i'm with her. she doesn't want to admit what she's thinking about me, not yet, but every time we're together she does think about it. she thinks about what it would be like to spend the rest of her life with me. she's sure that if i knew what she was thinking i'd run away from sheer terror. so she hides it well, behind fatigue and brain fog and a dozen other excuses.
so i don't know that when i drop her off at home a week before the zoo trip she can't help the crystal clear fantasy that runs through her mind of dragging me through the doors into a house she shares with me and you and Sarah. to a room she shares with me. she decides on a lot of things that night, out of sight of both of us.
we can be happy, she thinks, i know we can.
she holds onto that thought every night that you come home too exhausted to do anything more than fall asleep in your sister's arms.
the weather has only just started to cool, summers pushed later and later every year, but even a little bit of cooling down from the record high heatwaves week after week is a welcome relief. luckily you managed to pick a relatively cloudy day, not quite raining but at least keeping it a little cooler than it would have been otherwise.
Lena in particular is thankful for this bit of grace, having been privately a bit weary at the thought of walking around in the harsh sun all day. but Sarah has been a real boon, helping her pick out her outfit, something light, a pale purple sundress with a nice wide belt, her most comfortable shoes with brand new insoles, and a lightweight purse with her essentials.
(Sarah, reportedly something of a 'mom friend' according to Lacy, is taking a huge bag with just about everything they could possibly need and is using Penny as the packmule for another bag with everything else.)
Sarah has also given Lena a wonderfully shady hat and a pair of sunglasses that can clip onto her glasses. Lena looks at the lenses a little skeptically, not swayed by Sarah's insistence that she just had this pair around. they're shaped properly for Lena's glasses, taller lenses in plastic frames that don't dig into Lena's nose so much, not like Sarah's little lenses fit for her wire frame.
the finishing touch was just a little bit of subtle makeup around the eyes, courtesy of Lacy. Lena, like Mom and i and now you, has never been much one for makeup, but she does understand its practical applications.
altogether it makes a pretty cute look that she hopes will be tempting to both of her sisters. rather, just tempting enough. though she doesn't want to make a mess of you, and she doesn't want to scare me away, so she settles for a much more demure, coquettish temptation.
i'm the first victim of this. you left earlier to run a few errands and pick up some friends you'd invited to the zoo, so you missed Sarah's little makeover session. it was decided i'd pick Lena up in my van and we'd grab lunch together before the zoo. Lena's smile gets a little predatory when she sees how my expression changes the moment i actually register her whole look, which she clocks as a little predatory in turn, like i need her so bad it hurts, and maybe it does, and maybe she hopes i do.
i try to tear myself away but Lena notices the moment of hesitation when i try, the way my eyes fuzz and go a little distant when i fight back against something i haven't told her about yet. her devious grin deepens and she twirls, her dress poofing out around her for a second. that knocks me off kilter enough to loose my lips.
"you look nice," i say. she doesn't hear the shift in my tenor.
"thank you!" Lena chirps, "now let's get going, i'm hungry!"
i help her into the van, and she takes the assistance gratefully, thinking ahead to the rest of the day. over the last few months she's started to learn more about her disability (a term she rankled at for a while, and still does a little bit), including how to pick her battles. she needs help sometimes. and if she saves energy here by letting me dote on her, she has more energy for walking around the zoo later.
"i'm- can we go somewhere easy, today?" she asks, once we're in the van and i have an excuse not to look at her. she watches me, though, as my blush begins to fade.
it feels childish, she thinks, but forces herself to be brave, to be the older sister who can take care of things, and tell me that she wants "chicken tenders. ugh, i'd ask for homophobe chicken but i don't wanna give them money. is it weird to ask for DQ? i think there's one not too far away. Penny gets it DoorDashed sometimes for me when i'm feelingā¦ picky."
i pull out my phone and look it up on the maps without showing much hesitation. Lena looks away, a little abashed by the boldness of her own request and by how quickly i adapted. i put my phone up in the mount with the navigation going and turn the van on. Lena flinches in anticipation of whatever cacophany will pour forth from my speakers, but instead she's met with familiar music that she'd recommended me a few weeks ago and i'd been playing on repeat ever since.
this is the Regrettes. she's still listening to them? she wonders. i told her they're my favorite, does sheā¦?
i made sure we'd have plenty of time between picking up lunch and the designated meeting time so that we could smoke in the back of my van in the zoo parking lot. the initial idea was Lena's, to my surprise and her delight. the DQ is a little lukewarm, but Lena's ice cream is already gone as a consequence of the ease of an electronic vape and a window. she's already ravenously hungry by the time i put the van in park, opening her box of tenders and fries and beginning to devour it in big bites that have me giggling a little bit.
once i've got her parked on my bed in the back of the van she doesn't pay me much mind, focused on finally filling her stomach. it's such a relief, these moments when the THC does its work and whatever it is that tries to close her throat drifts away. the speed with which she eats is half hunger and half desire to just get out ahead of it. to get as much food in her stomach as she can before her body catches up to what she's doing. to finally stop feeling hungry.
she watches the way other people eat with envy. the way that snacks vanish near you and me. the multiple courses, multiple helpings, so much food and all of it looks so fucking good and then when it comes time to eat Lena just can't. she's never been able to explain it to our parents and all that we know is that she has appetite problems. what she still has trouble articulating is this:
she's hungry, always. she loves food. but oftentimes, rather most times, when she puts something in her mouth, after the second or third swallow her body simply decides that she's had enough. the sensation of hunger blunts, and her throat begins to close up as if she's eaten too much and can't possibly eat more, and a great yawning pit of shame opens up beneath her.
there are some things that, if she's careful and doesn't eat them too often, she can eat without trouble. a couple weeks ago at one of the Sunday dinners Lacy called them 'safe foods'. they feel agitatingly juvenile. chicken nuggets and tenders, hot dogs with only ketchup, pizza and ramen and tater tots.
this was one of the worst parts of Lena's life, for a long time. back home, Mom never let her get away with any of it. she'd sit and force her to eat, not with force but with shame and stoicism, thinking that was how she'd fix the problem. Lena just needed to eat more. sit there and don't let her leave until she eats enough. it made Lena sick. she never vomited, she never purged, she was just sick.
it didn't get much better in college. instead of her safe foods being safe, they were the only things she ate, until they all turned sour and she was right back where she started, but this time with even fewer safe options.
but nowā¦ now she's living with people who do their best to make it easier for her, in a dozen different ways. she finishes off the basket with glee, floating in a bit of a haze, several pulls on the vape doing their job with aplomb. i'd picked this cart specifically the last time i restocked, a blend that the saleswoman behind the counter told me would give me the munchies something fierce.
Lena giggles when i tell her about that. "you got this for me?" she asks, touched and amused. some instinct makes her hold it out to me like she's going to give it back. she doesn't really want to, for so many reasons that her head swims a little bit with the options.
it's a great relief, then, when i say "yeah. i don't usually get disposables, but i got one this time so you could keep it. it's yours."
she takes it back with a smile so wide and genuine that it makes my face flush a little bit. "thank you, Lily!"
"i got you something else. well, sorta. more like i'm gonna give something back and you can decide what to do with it."
"what?" Lena asks with a confused smile and furrowed brows.
"here," i say, grabbing what Lena recognizes as a hefty camera bag and handing it to her.
Ā oh, that's Dad's camera bag, she thinks, digging through it for a minute. his old Polaroid OneStep, all rounded curves straight from the 90s in a deep forest green. the plastic is worn, but well kept. there's a few random little 35mm compact cameras, a truly terrible digital camera, a Nikon 35Ti, a Nikon F100 that Lena is fairly sure is broken, and a bunch of lenses. he'd been complaining about losing those lenses for a decade by now. ever since they sent me away. the rest of the bag wasn't sorely missed, all old cameras that had been replaced by far superior technology (or so Dad said).
"you took this?" Lena demands, glaring at me from behind her bangs.
i smirk back, "was he pissed?"
"mostly about the lenses. he was livid about losing the 35Ti, he never shut up about that. but the F100 is broken." she's not sure why she remembers that in particular. but she does.
"nope," i smile, popping the 'p', "i got it repaired a couple years ago. i thoughtā¦ i don't know, you always seemed to like Dad's photography more than any of us. maybe if- when, when we reunited, i thought maybe you'd like to try it out."
Lena shakes her head. "i don't know, Lily, iā¦ i wanted to find my own hobby, notā¦ just pick up Dad'sā¦?"
she doesn't want to be like him any more than you or i do. the idea of being like either of our parents makes her skin crawl, frankly, and she works to suppress a shiver. she's startled by my hand landing on her shoulder gently.
"Lee, it was his career and his obsession, not his hobby. when do you think was the last time he had fun doing photography?"
"iā¦" she trails off quickly, unsure of how to answer that. probably never, right? it always felt more like it gave himā¦ satisfaction. he was satisfied when he got a shot just right, but he was never really happy. Lena loves going back to all her favorite pictures, like the selfie from her day out with me when i was crouched by the cooler and she was holding the Hug. the soft golden light from the window makes the scene look beautiful, and every time she looks at the picture she gets excited and happy.
she thinks about the zoo. about the animals they'll see. there will be otters.
that seals the deal, no more thought required. she'll do it for cute otter pictures.
"Penny will be here with everyone else pretty soon, right?" Lena asks. we've been in the parking lot for a while.
i nod. "last she texted she said it'd be a half hour, and that was fifteen minutes ago."
"okay, i'm gonna organize this bag a bit. any filmā¦?" she asks, the question not really directed at me. she's already moved on, opening one of the side pockets to find several canisters of fresh film that i'd bought a week ago when you told me about the zoo trip. āah, there we go!ā
you arrive in a veritable cavalcade of cars, a larger group than Lena had originally estimated pouring forth. she sticks close to my side while you take charge, making sure everyone's got their tickets and water bottles and this and that and the other thing. it's a mighty large group, friends from around the city along with the people i've been working with the last month and your whole house, plus a girl with blue hair that Lena points out to me as Cleo.
"oh shit," i say, bristling a little bit. Lena rests a gentle hand on my arm and tells me to "relax. you heard about what happened?"
i nod. Lena looks up at me from beneath her bangs and says "it's okay. all's been forgiven for a while now. she and Penny both handled that night poorly, but they're working on itā¦ Cleo's been coming around more often, but she's still not invited to- the- the p- the parties," she settles on after a second of stammering, not sure if i know what kind of parties Sarah is throwing and feeling awkward acknowledging their true nature if i don't.
i look back down at her, and for a moment she forgets all about the awkward stammering and gets lost. i'm looking at her with such open adoration she's a little bit scared, her heart hammering in her chest. she wants to lean in. she wants to close the gap.
she pulls away. she has a plan. and that doesn't include kissing me right now in the parking lot surrounded by other people.
luckily you make her departure from my side a little easier by finally walking up to the two of us and wrapping your arms around Lena. she giggles delightedly, letting you rock the both of you back and forth for a second before you pull away and look at me. no matter how hard she tries, Lena can't help but peek at me. she catches the far away look on my face before i can school it into something neutral. but even in that neutral, Lena can still see me as i really am. can see what i really want.
she does, doesn't she? thisā¦ this can work. i can do this. we just need toā¦
"i was thinking we could stick together," you say. Lena preens, proud of you. you're so in sync with her in so many ways. this really can work. you'll be her unwitting accomplice. so what if it's kind of manipulative?
"great idea, baby!" Lena chirps, noticing my panic and choosing to ignore it. you, however, just smile up at her, delighted that she's praising you.
i groan, "oh god, i almost forgot about this part."
"what 'this part'?!" you scowl.
"'great idea, baby!'" i mock, a little rudely. Lena giggles, though, and you look at our oldest sister with shock, "Lena!"
"she has a point," Lena laughs, knowing what i'm talking about. still, she doesn't clue you in, "don't worry about it, baby." we both laugh at you when you pout about that.
she knows that she babies you a bit much sometimes. it comes from an honest place, wanting to praise you when Mom and Dad never did, and to me (at least how Lena thinks i see it) she was coddling you when you needed rougher treatment.
i lunge forward and grab you around the neck, pulling you around for a second while you yelp and scrabble to get out of my grip, and Lena smiles wickedly at us. before she can second guess herself, she lifts one of the cameras and takes a picture. later she'll find that it's blurry and the lighting is shit and we're not even framed very well. but she'll keep that picture for the memory it anchors.
the camera bag is heavy. she notices that pretty quickly. lenses and cameras and other miscellany and by the time she realizes how heavy it is we're already up at the top of the escalator and heading into the park proper. we have a large group. Lena knows about half of them, and is only a little uncomfortable with the half she doesn't know. she keeps her head high and her shoulders back, trying to project confidence.
luckily people get the gist of it when they see the camera bag, and soon enough she has a very convenient excuse to hang near the edge of the group. you and i stick pretty close to her, for the most part, although we also get the message that the camera sends and do our duty to move into her line of sight now and then for a good picture, almost always at separate intervals.
Lena sends a somewhat wistful look toward the Kids' Kingdom sign when they pass, but is quickly distracted by the Red Panda and the Komodo Dragon.
"oo, look!" she squeals, "the panda's out!!"
Lena scampers forward to get close enough, pulling out the 35Ti to snap a couple pictures. from what she remembers of Dad's talk about cameras, the F100 with its interchangeable lenses is better for distant shots.
"when you're just walking around, stick with one camera for the most part. you want to think like the camera," he'd told her, "its eye is your eye. composition first."
looking through the viewfinder then, she hadn't understood it. she'd stared at her father through the eye of the camera and just found it confusing, lines that made no sense clouding her view of the world.
looking through the viewfinder now, all these years and all these pictures later, with a digital camera in her pocket every day of her life, she understands it better now. she understands why the lines are there. and when she looks away after taking a couple pictures of the pandas, when she puts down the camera, she understands it that much better. she can almost imagine the grid lines. the different aspect ratio. the 35Ti has a different eye than she does.
that's why he always had at least one camera like this in every camera bag. she'll save the F100 and the lenses for later, when she needs to take pictures of distant stuff. for the rest of the trip, she decides to stick with the 35Ti. as she walks away from the pandas and the Komodo Dragons with this in mind, she realizes that her feet have started to hurt already.
"ooooo, that's a classic," Cleo says, bouncing up to Lena, thankfully distracting her for a few more steps. she's wearing floppy blue bunny ears that match her hair color almost perfectly. a pair of athletic shorts and a crop top completes the look. dare Lena say it, she looks cute. "35Ti? where'd you get it?"
Lena smiles, "um. Lily kinda stole it from our dad, then gave it to me."
"what, like, recently?" Cleo asks with an innocent expression.
shaking her head, Lena explains that it happened "a long time ago."
the laugh that bursts from Lena in that moment is completely genuine, caught off guard by Cleo's demeanor. she's so much like you in the little ways, and she looks like she could be your twin, if you had two blue eyes instead of one green.
(that's one of Lena's favorite traits about both you and me, our mismatched blue-green eyes. she knows that my blue eye has flecks of brown in it and your green eye has flecks of blue. neither of us ever even think about the way our eyes are, but Lena never stops thinking about it. she sees those eyes in her fantasies. not just yours. mine, too.)
she shakes herself. Cleo's already moved on, darting around the group every bit the bunny, bursts of movement interrupted by stillness while she talks to someone before she's off like a shot again a few seconds later. Lena lifts the camera and snaps three pictures.
the first is of Cleo thumping her foot while she stands next to Lacy and Moss, who are pointedly, almost comically, ignoring her. Lena manages to catch the moment her foot snaps down, turning it into a blur in the frame. the angle is such that all that can be seen on Cleo's face is a distinct pout.
the second is of Cleo a couple seconds later, darting toward you and me. she's a flash of movement, fairly blurry, but what's easily visible is your face, equal parts delight and shock as Cleo sprints toward you and leaps into your arms.
the group reflexively swells out, creating a little pocket around you and Cleo as people stagger away. Lena lifts the camera again and snaps a picture before you put Cleo down.
"you look good like this," Sarah says, stepping up beside Lena. she'd been mostly hanging at the back of the group with a few of the stragglers, other friends from their friend group that Lena didn't have much interest in talking to. she supposes she's one of the stragglers too, though.
"like what?" Lena asks distantly, picking through the camera bag, trying to shift the weight so it doesn't dig into her shoulder quite as bad. so much for packing lightweight today.
"watching them. every time you take a pictureā¦ you get this little smile on your face."
"oh." Lena doesn't really know what to say to that. it makes her smile, though, which Sarah preens at.
"which of those cameras are you using?" Sarah asks, suddenly.
Lena is quiet for a moment, the sudden shift making her unsure of how to respond for just a second, until she holds up the 35Ti still with its strap around her neck, "mostly just this one. i might use the F100 if the savannah is as big as the map suggests."
"hold on," Sarah says, "hey Pen! c'mere!"
you perk up, immediately pulling away from where you'd been leaning on the railing watching the flamingoes and jogging over to your paramours. "yeah? what's up?" you ask, getting close enough to kiss Sarah on the cheek. Lena can tell you want to drift over to her and do the same, but Sarah's got you under tight enough control today that you stay where you are.
"how're you doing with your bag, baby?"
"oh, it's fine. you need anything?" you ask, doing a half turn to display the backpack she gave you before you came in and looking back at Lena. she smiles back at you, and both of your heartbeats speed up a little bit.
Sarah does actually dig around in the bag for a second, pulling free a bottle of water. "okay, thank you baby. do you think you could carry Lena's camera bag for her, too?"
you look Lena up and down a little more appraisingly, now. despite how hard she tries to hide it, tries to stand up straight and stay still, you can see the way her shoulders are starting to slump and she's starting to shuffle in place. without another word you reach out and gently take the bag from her shoulder.
oh thank god, Lena thinks with a sigh of relief that is both internal and external. then, a second later, "thank you, babygirl. i'm so-"
"nope!" you interrupt, "you can stop with thank you. nothing to be sorry about. if i get tired of carrying it i'll make Lily do it," you say with a shit-eating grin.
"i heard that, you little shit!" i all but shout, suddenly barrelling toward you. your feet move faster than the rest of your body, creating a cartoon-like impression as you beat feet to get out of my range. we make two full circles around Lena before she uses her stern Big Sister voice, "okay! that's enough!" and we both stop, grinning at each other.
"god, you two can be so immature," Lena grouses, but can't quite help the grin on her face.
Lena does need the F100 for the savannah section, like she suspected. a bunch of animals all coexist on the little pocket of faraway home, some far enough away that the 35Ti won't capture them how they deserve. you stand still for your sister, smiling at her closeness when she digs through the camera bag with her forehead pressed against your shoulder. she doesn't fully register the way the contact relaxes her, loosing a bit of the tension and letting her lean against you more fully.
she finds the F100 easily, but the lenses are more difficult. she has no idea what she's looking at, and she wouldn't even know how to look it up on her phone. by the time she picks one most of the group has moved on and it's just you and me with her. and Sarah, who hasn't left Lena's side the whole time.
after what feels to her like an eternity she pulls a lens out that seems adequate and fixes it to the front of the F100. looking through the viewfinder, she thinks it'sā¦ adequate was right in the first place. adjusting the focus makes it a little better. she snaps a few pictures anyway, focusing mostly on the giraffes. she frowns a little bit, taking a few steps to the side to try to get a better angle but starting to understand some of what Dad was talking about when he said perspective matters. zooming in to get closer doesn't do the job of actually giving you a good angle.
we're quick enough to catch up to the group, helped a little by the nature of the zoo, back and forth between viewing spots along the trail so that the larger group, slower because of how many friends we brought with us, is easier to catch up with when it's just a few of us. Lena breezes past most of the rest of the savannah viewing spots, skipping straight ahead to the elephants with a skip in her step, for a giddy moment able to disregard the way her feet and calves and knees and thighs ache and burn.
the elephants! they're one of Lena's favorites, such enormous creatures, but with such beautiful, intelligent eyes. watching them with the keepers, the way they're gentle and mischievous, the light in the eyes of the elephants and the eyes of the people who tend them.
the building is crowded, and Lena has to push to get through a little bit, but it's worth it when she manages to get right up to the edge of the enclosure and lift the 35Ti just in time to catch the elephant stealing someone's hat and pretending to eat it, three pictures in a row. two of them don't look like much, but the first one where you can see the elephant grabbing the hat becomes another of Lena's favorites.
she takes picture after picture in the Tropical Forest building. an embarrassing amount of them are of you and me. Lena isn't embarrassed, though. this is when she really starts to play her hand, demanding that the two of us get just a little bit closer.
"come on, seriously, just- can you two be normal and just stand next to each other so i can get a picture of you??" she demands, maybe laying it on a little thick. frankly, the way we're dancing around each other in these moments away from the crowd, like if we get too close while unsupervised something bad might happen, half aggression and half tension, it's getting on her nerves. it was cute, for a while, watching us spook when the other got too close too far away from the crowd. but now she's taking control.
Big Sister voice, "i want some pictures of the two of you walking around in here. go look at the monkeys together."
she shouldn't really be surprised when we obey (despite the sidelong glances we shoot each other). but after an unsure second, i step up to you and sling an arm around your shoulder and say "alright, let her have her fun. c'mon Pen-Pen."
you wriggle in her grip, "fuck off! don't call me that, asshole!"
i laugh, letting you go. for a second it looks like you're going to pull away, but Lena smirks victoriously when you stay next to me. we walk from enclosure to enclosure, leaning against the railings and stretching out to get as close as possible. she gets one picture of us leaning in almost the exact same way, looking up at the monkeys with the same expression.
she watches us the whole time. she doesn't miss the way we each flick our eyes back to her at different moments, unable to help ourselves. i feel a bit like Eurydice, she thinks giddily. that probably shouldn't make her so happy, that story doesn't have a happy ending, butā¦ knowing that those green and blue eyes are on herā¦
that's part of the dream, isn't it? for us to look at her every day with love in our eyes? does she see it, in me? do i look at her like that? it's so clear with you, so many examples to compare to, but she only knows how i look at her. she's never seen me look at someone else with love in my eyes. how can she know for sure?
by the time we leave the Tropical Forest Lena is flagging a bit. thank god, she thinks when she sees the restaurant ahead. the group waited for us outside the Tropical Forest, so you and i go back to our typical antics, acting the sisters on instinct. i'm an asshole who antagonizes you, and you antagonize me right back. luckily your friend group is pretty tolerant of it, and Lena watches with adoration.
the restaurant is blessedly air conditioned, causing Lena to sigh with relief. she's still full of Dairy Queen, so she doesn't need to get anything to eat. you pass her a water bottle before she can even think of asking for one, like you read her mind, and she sits at a table tucked away in the corner and scrunches up a bit. her feet hurt, and it's very loud in here. but at least there's air conditioning.
unfortunately for Lena, nobody realizes how much of a problem the next stretch is going to be for her. and by the time the group is past the Islands, with the stately GalĆ”pagos tortoise and the adorable siamang and the lounging leopard, and Lena realizes the kind of climb this is going to beā¦
she's stubborn. she's the big sister. she'll be fine.
the climb up past the anteaters and the ocelots and the fossa disappears. at one point Lena realizes she's just panting and staring at the ground in front of her, and that i've found myself right by her side walking at her pace. the group stretches out in front of us, you caught up by the movement and distracted by your friends, Moss and Lacy at the back of the main group, Cleo and Sarah talking politely just ahead of Lena and i. we stay at the back, although Lena doesn't even really notice, just trying to focus and ignore the way her feet hurt. her shoulders are starting to hurt, too, come to think of it. every time she takes a step her thighs rub together and she can't tell if they're starting to chafe or if she's just imagining it in all the overstimulation. the ample shade provided by the trees lining the path does little to blunt how hot it is, since it's not even the sun that's the problem, it's just the sheer movement, and she starts to lose track a little in how monotonous and painful and dull the climb is, not a single picture taken the entire time because she can't even focus on that, just on the constant steady pace up the hill, she doesn't even register my hand on her back helping her keep moving.
and then finally, what breaks through, "we're on our way back down now."
Sarah's voice is cheery, and right next to Lena, and she looks up and finds that they're finally at the top of the hill. a path stretches ahead of them, long and winding but sloped blessedly downward.
"can- can i have a minute?" Lena asks, finding her voice. "i need to. take a break."
"yeah," i say before anyone else can say anything. Sarah nods. i look down at Lena, "you want me to stay with you?"
"i-" no, she almost says on instinct, not wanting to be an inconvenience, to hold anyone up, but then you drift over from the larger group with a concerned look on your face and Lena says "can you both stay?"
we share a look that Lena can't decipher, then nod. you pull us off to the side, to find some shade under a tree and sit down on some rocks that definitely weren't made for us to sit on them. Sarah and the rest keep going at your instruction.
"they should really put a rest stop up here," you complain. "even my feet are hurting a little bit."
Lena can't help it. she's fucking tired. she lets herself lean against you and closes her eyes. i shift, looking away for a second, and you stiffen, flushing bright red. Lena doesn't notice and doesn't care. she all but falls asleep, more like just dissociating out of sheer fatigue.
"i don't wanna do anything for a week after this, okay? just cuddlesā¦" Lena murmurs into your shoulder. your soften, letting an arm come up to wrap around her. i look away, and this time i don't look back. it's getting harder to ignore.
"okay," you whisper. "cuddles all week. as you wish, princess."
i stutter, "i- y-" then my mouth clicks shut. Lena sits up, suddenly aware of the position she's put herself in.
"sor-" "can i come over this week?"
"i- sorry. i just. Penny and i both have the week off, so i thought- maybe i could- i don't know, maybe we could hang out? i don't have to literally stay over," i clarify, starting to get a little nervous, "i just- we haven't really spent a lot of time together the three of us in while and i- can- can one of you fucking say something so i can stop talking?!"
Lena laughs, and you follow her lead, "yes baby! of course you can come over! right, Pen?"
"yeah, of course," you say with a genuine smile on your face. "we could watch that show you've been talking about at work."
"you want to watch my cringe tween girl anime?"
"don't worry," Lena says casually, "Penny and i can subject you to our horrible media taste, too."
"Lena," you say, deadly serious, "if you make me watch another Minecraft ARGā¦"
"i like ARGsā¦" i say, although neither you nor Lena actually notice.
"i promise this one is good!" Lena cries, laughing.
"Lenaaaaaaaaa, come onnnnn, that's all it's been lately!"
"the scene has been really good lately! there's been a lot of weird ones coming out with impressive builds and-"
"no no no, please show Lily something real-"
i laugh now too, "wait, no, i'm interested! i promise! i loved Minecraft, but i haven't played it in like ten years, do i need to like- do i need to catch up?" i ask Lena, completely earnestly.
Lena lets out a little snrk at the idea that there's, like, some sort of lore that she'll need to be up on to watch an ARG video. then another idea occurs to her, "no, but Lily!! Lily Lily Lily!!! do you wanna play Minecraft with me this week??"
"i- i guess, but- i don't have, like, a laptop or anything?"
she can't help it, she starts to get excited about it. āwe'll play on the Switch! we have at least three in the house and i'm pretty sure we all have the game, you can borrow someone's Switch for a day or two, i can show you around my world, even!!ā
the thought fills her heart with warmth. you've played with Lena before, let her show you around the world she's been playing on for hundreds of hours even just since moving in, on days when she can't do much else except lay in bed and curl up around her Switch and let the familiar nostalgia of Minecraft make the passage of time a little easier. that world means a lot to her. now i might get to see it.
i can just about feel the weight of it, in her eyes, so i nod and say "yeah, that sounds great. i can't wait."
"i promise i'll only kill you once or twice," you promise.
"what, we still haven't evolved past that?" i ask with a shit eating grin on my face. "i thought we were grown up now. tsk tsk."
you open your mouth for some smart retort, but Lena interrupts, "alright, i think i'm ready to go. i wanna see the aquarium!"
the walk down the hill is a lot easier. at the bottom there's a fan blowing on a mister that helps Lena cool down a bit. it seems like the majority of the group has already gone into the aquarium, but at least your housemates plus Cleo are hanging around waiting for us.
"the fuck were you three doin' up there?" Moss demands with a grin that promises chaos, "you leavin' room for jesus?"
"Moss!" Lacy gasps, smacking them on the arm.
you blush and glare, my eyes go wide at the implication, and Lena can't help but cackle, delighted at Moss's boldness. she watches us and our reactions. the way you take a threatening step toward Moss and then seem to think better of it, pulling back on your own before Sarah or Lena even think to do it for you. i've turned and taken two steps away, not quite back toward the path we just came from, just sort of away, just enough, Lena knows, to quietly freak out for a five count before letting rational thought take back over.
god forgive her, she shouldn't be enjoying this, but watching her sisters squirm is fun. she gets a fond thrill out of seeing us so emotional, so worked up, and ostensibly in part because of her. it makes her feel a bit stronger, in a world where she feels doomed to be the weak one. the disabled one.
she eases off a bit, in the aquarium. most of the upper floor is dedicated to a dark space with walls lined with tanks. before she enters the darkness, Lena lifts her camera and checks how many shots are left.
7, the counter on the top reads. she'll have to pick her shots carefully until she gets out on the other side and it's bright enough to load another roll of film. there's a bunch of other dials and settings that Lena doesn't know much about. she should have looked up a video about this camera before she came in. she doesn't even know if any of the pictures she takes inside will turn out.
one. i'm standing with Moss by one of the larger tanks, just after they apologized. just barely visible in the light of the tank is Moss' sheepish smile and my faint smirk.
two. Lacy is alone, standing by a small tank with a sign over it obscuring the light. it's probably saying the tank is empty, but that's not visible in the picture. Lacy is looking down at her phone, pensive.
three. you and Sarah side by side, the blue glow turning your backs into shadows. you're pointing at something in the tank in front of you. Sarah's head is turned just enough to the right to see that her mouth is slightly ajar.
four. Cleo dragging you across the room, dimly lit and barely visible in the crowd, Lena only caught the moment by happenstance. you and Cleo are only barely recognizable.
five. Lacy and Moss embracing in front of another tank. to either side of them are visible dozens of colorful fish. neither of their faces are visible, though.
six. me looking lost among several of your friends who had finally managed to corral me into a conversation. the panic is barely visible on my face. it's not a very good picture.
seven. a rushed attempt to get you and i in frame together, right at the end of the tunnel. neither of us are visible, both turned away, just parts of the crowd. Lena, frustrated and unable to even figure out which ones we are, throws this one out later.
and thenā¦ there is a sublime moment that Lena hopes she will remember forever, at the top of the aquarium before they walk around the massive central tank, when she stops to change film rolls. just ahead of her, as she's fumbling with the film canisters, she catches a glimpse of it. standing off to the side, looking at a dimly illuminated tank that she can't quite see the contents of until she takes a couple steps and finds her angle, are you and me.
you had, without any prompting from our sister, pulled me aside to show me the jellyfish, the way it glowed in the light of the tank, almost angelic. i make a joke that Lena can't hear, and you look up at me and laugh, and Lena's heart clenches, and her dream feels right fucking there, like she could touch it. i'm looking down at you with glee, clearly happy that you liked my joke, Lena can't see any of the tension, all she sees is the way we're looking at each other happily. she can picture the photo on a bookshelf in the living room. we'd look at it every day and marvel at where it started. where it really, truly started.
the film canister falls from her clumsy hands into the camera bag. her eyes track it as it goes, and her hand whips out to pluck it from the bag. but by the time she looks back up, let alone gets the film in the camera, we've already moved on, stepped away and given each other distance again. the moment is broken.
she wants to cry. no. she needed that shot, she- it was going to be perfect, the pictureā¦ desperately, she tries to fix the picture in her mind, hoping that maybe with enough focus she will, just this once, be able to render a moment impervious to all effects of the fog that consumes her memory.
but, like all inevitable things, the fog does as it will. by the time we've reached the bottom of the aquarium the moment is nothing more than a hazy impression. she can remember remembering it, the way it felt to look at us like that, but when she tries to remember how i looked down at you, the way you looked up at me, it's not there.
she steps off to the side, for a long moment. neither of us notice, taken away by the group for a while, and so Lena has a moment to sit down in front of one of the enormous tanks swirling with fish and drop her face into her hands and cry angry, frustrated tears.
it's always fucking like this. she can't seem to keep anything that matters. directions, instructions, confessions-
the thing she hates the most is that she barely even remembers the night she moved in with you.
it's all just such a blur. how can she ever tell you that? that the moment you'll never forget vanished into the oblivion of her mind?
what did she say to you before and after she kissed you? before you got in the shower the next day? what did she tell Mom when i confessed? or tell you after i was sent away? what did we look like in front of that aquarium tank?
she's intimately aware of the passage of time while she's crying into her own hands in the corner of the aquarium, not counting the seconds but just struck with the keen awareness that despite her grief time keeps moving. there is no skip to the end of this breakdown. at least this will fade into the fog, too, at the end of the day.
that is to say that she knows it's been at least a few minutes by the time someone sits down next to her and speaks up.
"that was a really nice moment. i'm sorry you didn't get the shot. they were super cute."
Lena slumps over into Sarah's shoulder. "i wouldn't know," she complains bitterly.
"what do you mean?" Sarah asks, all genuine tender affection and care.
Lena turns until her face is pressed into Sarah's shoulder and she has plausible deniability. she sniffles, then explains, "i- i can't remember it, already. what they looked like. i just- i tried, butā¦ but i can't remember."
Sarah hums, one arm wrapping around Lena's shoulder while the other hand comes up to card through her hair. it's soothing. Lena relaxes a little bit. "we're gonna get you on state insurance in the new year. Penny and i can help you get it done."
she nods into Sarah's shoulder and whispers "thank you."
by the time you find Sarah and Lena her tears have dried and the red has waned away enough that you don't notice anything in the dim lighting near the aquarium tanks. "hey," you say, this corner of the aquarium far enough from my eyes over in the gift shop that you can press yourself up against Lena's back and lean into her a bit.
"hey, babygirl," she turns her head to kiss you on the cheek. "Lily's not being too mean, is she?"
you giggle, "no, no. nothing i can't handle. she's actuallyā¦ being kinda nice, today. most of the group's moved on by now, but Lily and Cleo and Moss and Lace are hanging around in the gift shop whenever you're ready to go."
"yeah, i'm ready," Lena says, despite her fatigue.
you heave a little puppy sigh before letting her go, "Lenaaaaa i'm tired of having to keep my distance. this sucks."
"iā¦ i know, babygirl. i-" she pauses for a second. as long as it all goes according to planā¦ "we won't have to hide it much longer, i promise."
"okay. ā¦ hey, the otters are up next."
that gets Lena up and going.
she doesn't buy anything in the gift shop, and in fact rushes straight past the rest of your housemates and then the rest of your friends who had gone ahead, completely ignoring the polar bears and the funny nautical themed set dressing between her and her goal.
they have a relatively small enclosure, compared to the polar bears and the sea lions on either side. there's a series of steps that double as seats in front of the otters so that you can get down closer to the water line and see through the glass to the creatures beyond.
Lena watches, enraptured, as they twirl and swirl through the water, three of them playing with each other. she coos when one tucks its butt up near its head and starts doing somersaults. we catch up a few minutes later, while two of the otters are swimming in circles around each other.
Lena, not really caring who just stepped up next to her, says "did you know they don't even have any blubber? most marine mammals do, but otters don't even need it! they have something like a million hair follicles per square inch? that's why they're always grooming themselves."
"huh. really?" Cleo asks.
Lena smiles and nods. "yeah! the groomingā¦ um, i think it traps the warm air, or something? i don't rememberā¦" she trails off. she tries to reach for that fact, she remembers reading it a long time ago, but the details, with distance, have faded into the fog. "i- a group of otters is called a raft?" she supplies eventually, feeling like she needs to say something more. like surely, if otters are her favorite animal, she should have more than one or two facts. she tries to summon more, tries to remember the wiki binges, the book full of fun facts she read over and over when she was younger, but it all just slips out like sand through a sieve. she almost says sorry, unbelievably.
"you like them a lot, don't you?" Cleo smiles through the question, squinting at Lena in a way that really does remind her of a bunny, with her nose all scrunched up.
Lena's heart shoots into thrills at the acknowledgement. is that enough? she wonders. she smiles and gushes "yeah! they're so cute, i love the way they swim god i wish i could swim like that it looks like it's so much fun!! have you ever seen them playing with, like, blocks? i love those videos, i have a ton of them saved on YouTube in a playlist, i think my algorithm knows how much i like them and that's why i keep seeing them. i wish they had some toys to play with hereā¦"
Cleo looks at Lena with heart eyes. "oh my god you're so cute! i get why Penny's so crazy about you, you two really are great together," she says with a genuine smile.
Lena is so distracted by the otters that she doesn't even register the problem with the comment being made out in the open, let alone the way i stutter-step behind her and quickly take two more steps directly away.
Cleo, predictably, scampers off after not too much longer. Lena stays there sitting with the otters, watching them swim back and forth and play together.
she stays there even when i don't come back to her side. even when Cleo pulls you further down the path to the sea lions. even when Sarah has to help one of your friends with something. Lena stays there by the otters and watches them.
she thinks this might be one of the best days of her life, all told. it was hard, and she's tired, and she can't wait to go home and put on sweatpants and just relax.
but today was a really good day.
i hate that i have to ruin it. but after everything today, i can't help the question when it hits my lips, and with trembling voice and racing heart i ask "are you twoā¦ Penny, Lena, i- please don't fucking lie to me. what's going on between you two?"
"wh- what?" Lena asks, turning around. now her heart starts to race. she was so close. we'd been sitting in my van just chatting peacefully until you got home. i told Lena i just wanted to walk you both in. now she knows i was lying.
"i said don't fucking lie!" i shout, unable to control it. you both flinch, and i shrink back. i can't stop now, though, so i beg, "i just-! please, tell me. you can tell me. anything. i- i just need to know if- if i've been imagining it, or-"
"Penny and i are girlfriends," Lena says as plainly as she can. this can still work.
"iā¦ oh. you reallyā¦" trailing off, i look down.
"i'm happy for you two," i lie. "i'm going to go, i think. i'll- i'll see you sometime this week, i guess. if you still want to have me over."
and then i leave, and all you and Lena can do is watch.
it hurts. this wasn't how Lena wanted this conversation to go. she thought maybe there was a version of it that didn't end so bitterly. but it's not the end, not yet.
she hates it. but this is part of the plan, too.
she can still see the bright future shining ahead of her.
